shaking from the rain

@Firefly @Florence @Cessair
Feb 13th, 7:30pm, Freezing Fog, 5F/-15C

Although they had begun to allow farther search missions this was not one of them. The group had only travelled a few hours to the east of their boundaries and already dark was upon the band. Their paws had carried them through the dead boughs of the woods until they had reached a small clearing centered around a spring. Never having visited the place before Minka had called a halt, hoping her pups would be smart enough to seek out fresh water but not walk upon the ice. Tracing the shore of the frozen water the golden eyes scanned for signs of paw prints or the ice for god forbid a hole. The memory of Malia's body being found washed up in the spring, bloated with water and corpse distorted from being trapped beneath the ice was still burned in the alpha's mind.

She hated to admit it but every day her heart sank lower, her hope was rapidly fading that @Kova and @Noble would be returned home safely. If the pack hadn't been able to find them by now where could they possibly be? Nightmares flooded Minka's mind every night, images of her children laying frozen to death, or hunted by mountain lions, or smothered in an avalanche. All this time she had thought herself to be a good mother but now she was sure that she was a failure, what kind of mother loses both of her children? She had been so careful, teaching them how to survive if they had gotten separated, doing her best to teach them how to get home and it had all been for naught. In the end she had lost them both anyways and despite her desperation it was very possible they were never coming back.

Cessair was worried.  So very, very worried -- but for the wrong reason.  She knew she should be concerned for the safety of her leader's pups, but as much as she scolded herself for it, she was more worried about being useful.  This search party was the first real opportunity Cessair had gotten to try to repay Minka and the pack for saving her life and taking her in.  To eventually prove herself an asset to Black Thorn Downs and not just a burden was her greatest wish.

At the moment, the best way to be useful was to find those pups.  The search party came to a spring in a clearing, and as Minka began working her way around its edge, Cessair mirrored her, examining the shore in the opposite direction.  Not very long ago, it seemed, she did the very same thing: nosing along the edge of icy waters in search of a lost wolf.  She and her brother had gotten separated when he fell through the ice as they attempted to cross over a river when they were still pups.  What agony it was to be unable to find any trace of him!  She spent the next few years searching, and in the end found no success.

And now she searched again -- not for her brother, but for her packmates.  If she had been devastated about her own loss, Cessair could only imagine what Minka must be feeling.  To have lost her pups!  Though Cessair had never had pups of her own, she knew the love of a mother was like nothing else.  She recalled her own mother, urging her and her brother to run as she herself stayed behind to be torn apart and consumed by a starving rogue.  Cessair shuddered; this was not the time to think of such things.  But if Minka's love for Kova and Noble was anything like that, well...

The fawn-coated wolf shook away her thoughts and forced all of her attention on searching for those lost pups.

(This post was last modified: Feb 21, 2015, 03:42 AM by Cessair.)

There are several fresh rabbit tracks in the mud. Hunt Opportunity

The others are inactive but we could use this as a Minka/Cessair bonding thread if you'd like :)

The mother had been so busy looking around the shore that she hadn't noticed Firefly and Florence slip away by themselves. It didn't bother the alpha too much, in fact if they had found something she had always encouraged the group to break up into pairs; they covered more ground that way. Still by the time she looked up it was just herself and the fawn coloured she wolf that had been rescued into the Downs. With a sigh she looked up in an attempt to catch the other woman's eye, "We should rest here for the night, we can head back in the morning." While dark had fallen not too long ago it was already too black to be able to see anything of use and it would be well past midnight if they headed back to the territory by the time they got there. It made more sense to sleep here and be refreshed before heading back to the west.

Minka's paws carried her away from the shoreline, her search now looking for a suitable den for the four of them to occupy for the night. It didn't take too long before she had found something, two trees growing close together had formed into one, their roots gnarled together and lifted off the ground creating a makeshift canopy. The alpha set to work at digging out the snow from the area, limited because of the roots until she hit the warmer earth. With a huff the Lagina woman flung the last bit of dirt away, it would be tight with so many but they would fit inside alright. The fae barked to her companion to signal that she had found the place before entering inside herself, choosing the farthest right side. Shifting her shoulders until all of her limbs found a comfortable position Minka laid her head on her paws, ready for a long night.

(This post was last modified: Mar 29, 2015, 09:25 PM by Minka.)

click!

Contrary to the evidence, I am, in fact, alive.  I'm happy to do a bonding thread and I'll try not to be so slow!

Scents as threads pulled Cessair's nose this way and that.  She examined a shriveled brown leaf before catching a scent to her left and discovering prints in the snow bearing the stale memory of a rabbit.  Though none of these phantom fragrances gave any hint of the missing pups, following them nonetheless provided a thorough view of the landscape as the falling darkness made sight less and less useful.  By now it was quite dark, and Cessair looked over to her leader wondering whether they would find shelter or start on their way back to pack territory.  Minka was looking at her already and suggested when their eyes met that they find shelter for the night.

Cessair nodded, shifting her focus to searching for shelter.  The other two members of their party must have wandered off on their own, but perhaps they would return, so any shelter would have to be large enough for them too.  Cessair had just determined that a possible den site would be too small when she heard Minka's bark.  When she found her leader, then den had already been dug, though it would be a little cramped if all four wolves attempted to squeeze in.  The sight of the shelter was a relief as the tawny woman suddenly realized how tired she was, but a mild disappointment that she hadn't been here to help dig hung at the back of her mind.

But nothing could be done about that, so Cessair ducked inside to join her alpha.  She curled against the back left wall, then looked over toward her companion, though it was too dark to see.  The former loner could only guess the depth of responsibilities a pack leader faces, could only guess the depth of despair a mother who has lost her pups endures.  And Cessair could hardly imagine the kind of emotional fortitude her leaders had for searching for their pups and still remaining composed enough to run a pack.  “I'm sorry we haven't found them,” she breathed, a soft whimper caught in her throat.

It didn't take long before Cessair's form moved into their impromptu den, choosing the far side. It was wide enough that with only two wolves inside their sides had more than enough space between them to be comfortable. The alpha lifted her head from her paws as her subordinate entered, her lips curling gently for a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Lately none of her smiles had, they were more forced than actually felt it was about keeping up appearances. Minka knew that in order for her pack to continue she couldn't fall apart if she did than the pack would follow suit and they couldn't afford that. If they wanted to be able to bring her children home safely they needed the whole pack's force focused on it, not laying in shambles without direction.

So every day she woke up, she patrolled the borders, inventoried the caches, she saw the search party off or she left herself with her own. Minka held her head high and did what she had to do, but she was shattered on the inside and even her outer persona was cracking. The once ever present smile was nowhere to be seen and the warmth that once filled her honey gaze had drained away to an emptiness. Still, as Cessair apologized the woman shook her head softly, "It's not your fault, I should have been keeping a closer eye on them before they were lost." Her voice cracked as she spoke the words, the first time she had admitted to anyone the feeling that she had been harbouring inside of her all this time. This was her fault..

click!

Cessair's ears shot up at her leader's response.  The crack in Minka's voice was not terribly pronounced, but it resounded in Cessair's mind.  It was like the cracking of a tree, fighting to stay upright as lightning strikes and wind pummels it back and forth.  The fawn-colored woman had seen enough storms in her travels to know that even the most magnificent weather-beaten tree could not always endure.  For the beauty of that tree and in concern for the lives that depended on it, Cessair didn't want that tree to fall.  She didn't want Minka to fall.

And here her magnificent leader was, blaming herself for the storm.  Cessair didn't know exactly what happened the day the royal children were lost, but she knew beyond a doubt that it was not Minka's fault.  This was grief talking; a desperate attempt to alleviate some of the confusion by assigning some sort of reason for the suffering.  The reason her leader chose was herself.  What benevolence!  Wasn't raising children a pack affair, to some degree?  Minka could have blamed any or all of her subordinates for the loss of her children, but she chose to tear herself down instead of her pack.

But benevolent or not, Minka was only adding to her own suffering and Cessair ached to see it occur.  She stumbled over her thoughts trying to decide what to say before finally managing to speak again.  "Ms. Lagina, you must know it was not your fault either.  Don't... You mustn't do this to yourself."  She wanted to say more, to take the pain away in a moment if she could, but nothing short of changing the past or finding the pups alive and well could do that.  Perhaps in moments of helplessness such as this, the best anyone could do was simply to acknowledge the pain and cling to hope.  ”No one can do any more than you're doing," Cessair assured.  "Just have faith.”

 

Minka had not been aware that the slight crack in her voice had been so noticeable, but Cessair seemed to cling to the very sound. The golden eyes blinked in surprise at her subordinates words, the attempt at comfort wasn't something she had expected. While she knew she wasn't perfect the alpha had thought that she had been doing well enough at holding herself together when her subordinates were around. Almost subconsciously the mother shook her head, "I'm their mother, I was supposed to protect them.' The words were out of her mouth before she could even truly register that she was about to say them, the unprecedented act of comfort had let her true feelings free. Tears welled in the Lagina fae's eyes, no amount of blinking could seem to keep them at bay and slowly they began to roll down her tawny cheeks.

As Cessair spoke her next piece Minka could hold them back no more and let herself cry earnestly, the tears flowing freely from her eyes. Not the body racking sobs that she had shown her mate, but the silent cry of someone who was beginning to give up. Shaking her head more venomously now her voice trembled fiercely, "Faith can't bring them home, there must be something I'm missing or they would be home by now." The tawny body began to tremble now, not from cold but from the sheer weight of the emotions that were pouring over her as she finally let herself feel them. All this time she had been trying to manage them, keep them at bay so no one but Tokino could see her fall apart. In this moment though Minka was finally feeling them, the grief, the confusion, the anger and mostly just hopelessness. Squeezing her eyes shut in an attempt to block out the thoughts she whispered, "What if they never come home?"

click!

Oh, goodness -- Cessair can only be as at comforting as I am (which is not very good, by the way), but I'll do my best!

Before Cessair could even register what was going on, her precious queen was trembling and sobbing. The bewildered woman froze up and observed. She watched as Minka shook her head and listened as her brave but broken leader renounced faith. Then, as Minka's silent tears continued to fall, Cessair rose, hesitantly, wordlessly, and crept closer to her. Hardly did she know what she was doing as she settled back down at the other end of the shelter, her fawn coat brushing up against Minka's buff and red.

"What if they never come home?" Cessair said nothing. She made no refutation, she did not attempt to answer the question. She just breathed, and let things be. Her queen's despair and hopelessness choked the room like a cloud of smoke, and how Cessair longed to be a ray of sunshine to break through the dark! But when a fire burns, it is rain, not sun, that gently puts it out. The tender woman let the rain fall from Minka's lidded eyes and glide off her damp cheeks. So Minka cried, Cessair breathed, and there was no way to know whether time was sprinting or crawling, or whether it was moving at all.

After several minutes, a quiet voice hushed the silence. "If they never come home... You must let them go. It won't be easy and you'll lose part of yourself, but that's when you lean on others until you can learn to stand again." An eternity passed, a breath. Cessair's eyes shimmered and she spoke again with a voice darkened by memories. ”That's what I did.”