Oak Tree Bend better days will come

@Jessie
Tension in the air was not a thing that Sahalie was unaccustomed to.

Sometimes it was the weather. It would be humid for days before suddenly the sky would crack open and drench the world and the lip of their den would turn to mud. The sky would be loud and it would flash. This was frightening, but not as bad as the other wolves were sometimes. This tension was different — more persistent. She felt it with the all-dark —she was starting to learn her name but still had trouble placing it— almost always. It was the only constant she knew: that sense that others were unhappy, on their toes, waiting for something else to go wrong.  For, though Sahalie's family had been small to start with, it was rapidly expanding to include a regular cast of tense faces. It was like everyone she knew held their breath when they were around her. Everyone except Drift. At least with him she could relax and play because they did not need to care about the world when it was just the two of them.

Well, like the sky, the tension gripping her family finally snapped it in two.

A few days ago it had rained very hard. Harder than Sahalie had ever known. She had clung tightly to her brother and felt that surely this was the end of her brief life. But the next day the sun had come out and she had tried to bring her brother out to play. But she had been forbidden. No one wanted her outside. She had Drift had spent the day in utter boredom, having grown too big to do any of their more amusing games in the den.

The next day no one told them that they were not allowed out. In fact, no one told them anything. But everyone seemed shaken. Visibly upset. Sahalie peered cautiously at the faces that surrounded her and wondered what was wrong, but she had not the words to ask.  Several days came and went but still this mood hung over the broken family like swollen clouds of rain. It tainted everything. The others were not around as much, seeking the solitude of their own grief, but when they were Sahalie felt without any particular reason that she should play less loudly, less joyfully.

- - -

She caught sight of the grey, huddled body of one of her pack mates. From their posture and the distance between them it was unclear to the little girl whether or not they were sleeping. With curious, hesitant footsteps she pitter-pattered towards the slumped mass. She knew not to touch others without their permission —interactions with the all-dark had taught her that much— so she yipped quietly as she came around to the front of the pack mate. Sahalie was not sure if she had been told this one's name. Maybe this wolf didn't even know who she was.

"Shalie," she whispered matter-of-factly. She couldn't be sure what unspoken rule forced her voice to be so gentle, so timid.

(This post was last modified: Jul 02, 2015, 03:09 AM by Sahalie.)

Jessie did not know what to do with herself. Her mind should have forced her to continue with her duty and to push on but the amount of grief she felt won out. It crushed her until all she could do was sit hunched over within the pack den. She was not sure if it was him, but Jessie thought that @Drestig was there, making sure that she was not dead, much like Hotei was now. The loss of her love hit her harder than she could have ever though imaginable. There was no relief with knowing that she would never get into another passionate fight with him about something completely idiotic. The only thing Jessie could think about was how he would never touch her again or say, ‘I love you,’ in a warm, cautious tone, unsure if her mood would allow them time together. And now that he was gone, the Tainn could only hate herself for denying him the time that they could have spent together. It had been years since they had first formed their relationship and ever since then had been a constant state of instability. Now, the last thing on Jessie’s mind was stability, she honestly did not know if she would be able to handle it.

Jessie did not remember eating and she certainly did not remember sleeping. Perhaps when her body had thought it too much, it had shut down and she had gotten the required amount of slumber before she would wake back up again. The cold realization was that she did not like having to sleep without Hotei’s warm body pressed up against her small body, letting her know that she was not alone. Now, she very much was alone. The only friend she had was in a dark place as well and Triell was busy with the children, whom she had heard about once or twice. All she knew were their names and it was easy to tell who was who based on that alone. It was why when an innocent voice broke through the jog within Jessie’s head, her eyebrows creased in confusion. It took her a moment to realize that there was someone right in front of her staring at her, as if she expected something. It took her another minute to realize that the child had meant to introduce herself to the gray woman, making it clear that she was being rude by ignoring the silent inquiry.

Her jaws opened but no sound came out of her mouth, her voice box having not been used in who knew how long, sticking in her throat. She made a low noise at the back of her throat, as if she were in pain. It took her a moment, but finally, she spoke, her voice cracking, “Jessie.” Perhaps if Hotei were there with her, she would have made more of an effort. She recalled a time when they had been playing with Rissa, before she had gotten kidnapped, and before Jessie had decided that she hated children. That had been when they were back in Swift River and ever much younger and very much in love. That time had passed and now Jessie had no idea how to exist, no clue how to breathe without Hotei there to remind her.

She stared at the pup in front of her, emerald eyes almost seeming cloudy. Perhaps out of need of habit for something to be correct and perfect, Jessie whispered, “Your name is Sahalie.” She did not say anything else. Her mind was still in a different place and almost in a completely different time. If she could block out the present and reimagine the past maybe the grey Scout would have a chance of surviving however long it took for her to pass on. If she ever did let her mind consume her, she was not sure if she would be capable of escaping the dark, black void that would certainly overwhelm her. Jessie had been there before and the only one capable of digging her out had been Hotei. Now that he was gone: who was there?

(This post was last modified: Jul 03, 2015, 03:37 AM by Jessie.)

There is a family of deer nearby. Hunt Opportunity

@Jessie
Time passed.

Had the grey mass heard her? The little girl wondered if she should introduce herself again. Its eyes opened but they did not focus on her. Though instinctively she knew it was impolite to stare, especially into the eyes of another, Sahalie found that she could not help but study the gaze of the grey family member. They were green. Sahalie would have liked to think it a happy shade of green, but they did not seem that way. She dared to lean in closer. They were not unhappy eyes in the same way that the all-dark's eyes were unhappy, but Sahalie didn't know what to make of them. They did not latch on to her the same way that Brother's did, the way that father's did. They did not latch on to anything, in fact.

Not right away.

When finally the grey lady seemed to notice her, Sahalie smiled shly, sweetly. Though she didn't feel it, the girl tried to convince herself that everything was alright. But she knew she was lying to herself. And when the mourning lady's jaws opened but made no sound other than a croak she knew that nothing was fine. Nothing was fine and nothing would ever be fine again. At least, that was how the sound made her feel. It sounded like an ache, a longing, some permanent feeling constructed of thoughts and feelings too intricate for a girl her age. But even the trappings of this emotion was painful to the girl. It did not feel alien to her. She felt as though she were on the path towards the same nightmare, though this thought was not fully realized. It was just a fleeting impression that fluttered through her mind as she took another step forward.

Jessie. This was probably the woman's name, if the conversation was following the rules as Sahalie understood them. She tucked this away in her heart along with the heartbreaking sounds. Both were important.

There was some halfhearted attempt to correct her elocution which under normal circumstances Triell's daughter would have simply waived away. She felt that she had pronounced it just as good as anyone else. It was her name after all. Couldn't she pronounce it how she pleased? It didn't sound that far off anyway. But today was not just any day. The girl stared at her feet. Today was a sad day. Out of respect to the older woman's unknowable pain, Sahalie nodded. She could do better — probably. It was at least worth trying. "Ssssss-sahalie," she murmured slowly. It was the only way to get it right, to speak slowly. The syllables tied knots in her tongue other wise.

Several moments passed.

She wondered if she had done good.

Her black lips parted again to add just one more thing. "Ah.... ah.. I'm," her mouth gradually wrapped around the words, "ssss..ssorry."

She never knew what she was sorry for but somehow she always felt it.

The child was silent for quite some time, allowing Jessie to close her eyes once again to bask in the loneliness that was her heart. However, when the small child spoke again, the widow’s eyes popped open again, peering at the child in curiosity. Unlike the other Tainn children that Jessie had met, Sahalie seemed to have the need to please. It took her awhile but she had pronounced it correctly. Just as Jessie was about to praise her, the little Tainn apologized, her innocent eyes peering up at the older woman. Her voice box, wishing to have some kind of break allowed her to be silent for a little bit as her mind tried to piece together what she wanted to say. She was confused. Sahalie had not done anything wrong and Jessie sure as hell did not want any pity from her.

Her answer should not have mattered anyway. Most of the time, the gray woman avoided the pups, knowing she was probably a bad influence, or they ended up disliking her. Either way, her honesty should have been enough for the young girl, but there was something out the girl in front of her that made Jessie feel like she was lonely too. Jessie spoke again, her voice soft, “Do not be sorry. You did well.” Still, her head did not move as she remained where she was, in emerald dull eyes staring blankly into the pup’s gaze. Sighing softly, her jaws parted again but it took a few moments for words pass her lips, “Keep working and eventually you will get it.” Her words were meant to be encouraging but Jessie had no idea how they came across to the child. The Tainn had never been particularly good at socializing with the children. The one time she interacted with Rissa had been with Hotei and while that had been fun, Rissa had been found bloodied and broken a few months later. It seemed that he life had actually centered around Hotei since she had met him and Jessie had never learned how to cope without him for long periods of time.

@Jessie

It seemed like the Jessie wanted to go to sleep. The toddler shuffled her paws, unsure of whether or not she was still welcomed. The woman had been sleeping in the first place, hadn't she? Sahalie was not sure. The green eyes were closed again, though the conversation did not seem over. Maybe she ought to just slip away now, and maybe the Jessie wouldn't even notice or remember feel so sad. But before the girl could so much as lift a paw, the green eyes appeared once more and the woman was speaking to her softly. Her voice was still painful.

Now it was the young Tainn's turn to blink with confusion. She searched her heart and found only guilt, only frustrating, wordless shame. Why shouldn't she be sorry? There was surely a reason she felt like this. The woman had corrected her, and therefor she had not done well. She  flopped her quickly sprouting ears atop her ebony head to clear her mind. She wanted to believe she had done well though. Maybe just this one time it would be alright. Like the Jessie said, she could work at it and get better.

"You wan cuddl?" the girl whispered suddenly, as if this were some sort of secret she would keep from the rest of the pack. When Sahalie was sad, all she wanted to do was cuddle. She had already gathered that not everyone felt this way --namely the all-dark-- but if she had learned one thing, she had learned to at least ask people what they wanted.  She certainly wouldn't have minded a bit of snuggling right now. The woman seemed a bit worn, but not nearly as scarred as the all-dark.

Her words and movements were a bit sluggish as she took in the form of the small pup. For being so young, she seemed a bit too sad. From what Jessie could remember, the other children had much more life to them at such an early stage in their development, but the widowed Tainn also remembered that they had their mother with them since the day they were born. Unfortunately, Sahalie did not have that luxury and had been thrown into a pack that had broken in on itself a countless number of times. Jessie honestly could not remember the last time she had moved from her spot within the pack borders. She remembered moving after Hotei’s death and then there was nothing. The gray woman could not think of a time that she felt as empty as she felt now and as she looked at the small black bundle of fur in front of her, she did not want her to feel that same sort of empty. So when Sahalie asked a question that Jessie had not asked since she was a child, she could find no reason to refuse. Especially when the children’s large eyes were staring at her, almost afraid of what she might say.

It took her another moment to form the word, but eventually it came out. ”Sure…come here.” Jessie grunted in her efforts to shift her weight to the side, leaving a welcome opening for Sahalie to cuddle into. As an adult, Jessie was not familiar with this action. Touch had been something solely reserved for comfort and love that of which had only been given to Hotei. Her pepper and salt colored form was tense, unsure of how this was going to occur. Surely the child knew how to cuddle and would come to her out of her own merit. The Tainn was not going to initiate contact, it was just too familiar and she felt that if she let herself love again she would just become an empty shell of her already empty self. She needed something to do, a task to fulfil, given by Triell, or hell, even Spieden. But right then, Jessie would just be content to spend time with the children, knowing it did not require her to move from the position she was currently in, hopefully.

(This post was last modified: Aug 18, 2015, 07:27 PM by Jessie.)

@Jessie
Sahalie would have preferred more enthusiasm, but the invitation would be good enough. Eagerly she lifted her ears and gave her tail a little waggle. "Eee!" she let out a contained, fairly crude howl. Cuddling was good. Cuddling was fun. She leaned hard to her left as she peered around at the space that had been offered to her. The gesture was so similar to the all-dark's night time ritual that, at first, Sahalie was not sure if sustenance was also being offered as well. But the woman did not smell the way the all-dark did. Giving Jessie's fae one last cautious glance, the girl let loose and bounded over to the silvery underbelly.

She sniffed some more. There was no food in these teats, that was for sure. The dark little Tainn would not allow this to dampen her spirits, however, and she fell to her paws alongside the exposed stomach. To make sure she got good and close —something that was fundamental to cuddling— Sahalie pressed her paws against the ground and moved forward as if to lock into place. The warmth was immediate. The girl stopped moving, suddenly hushed. She could feel a reverberation course throughout the body of the larger woman. The heart. Spieden had said that there was some sort of thing inside people that boomed and made these movements. She did not know what it was for, but it fascinated and calmed her. This woman's beats were a lot more shallow that Spieden's. Sahalie wondered what it meant.

"Now you say what wrong," she barked from her wreath of silver fur. She gave a shrug, her voice rather defeated, "It is the rules."

(This post was last modified: Aug 21, 2015, 10:34 PM by Sahalie.)

The woman did not know what she was doing with the children. Truly, she barely comprehended the little child’s presence. If she had not been so heartbroken, she probably would have been able to acknowledge that the daughter of her alpha was coming to her for something that a parent should have provided. Jessie should have been better and gone to see if everything was going alright with Triell. The little ball of fur was quick to attack her exposed belly, leaving the Tainn to feel even more uncomfortable than before. She shifted slightly once Sahalie got comfortable and decided that she liked this position. The child was no longer asking her questions and it was quiet. Almost forgetting that Sahalie was there, Jessie’s eyes began to droop once again, showing that she truly was in a state of exhaustion.

Before she could doze off again however, the child’s voice pipped up again. The sadness ached deep within her chest at the reminder of why she was like this. The reason why she was in such a pathetic state would probably make no sense to the little girl, but Jessie would humor her anyway. “Someone that I cared about very deeply got sick and he had to go… I’ll never see him again.” Her words caught in her throat, breaking off the sob that was guaranteed to try and rip through her muzzle. She held it back though. Even in her dazed state, she could acknowledge that it was dangerous to break down in front of a child. Sahalie certainly did not need to worry about anything that was doing on within Jessie’s mind. Not only was her past lover sick, but so was she, in her heart and in her soul.

you can finish it with your next post if you like? just since the thread is so old and stuff. (like lol it is so hard for me to keep in mind that she's like 1 month old.) I'd love another now that Sahalie is older though, if you ever wanna thread again!! :3

also i wanted this post to be so much deeper but it really sucks

Sahalie was not particularly sure what sick meant, but it sounded bad. Triell's daughter knew what it was to care deeply about another, though. The words had never been spoken before, she had never heard of "deeply" or "care" before, but the meanings of the words existed outside of the shapes of the words. The meanings lived in the tone of Jessie's voice, the way her heart throbbed in an attempt to speak these words. Sahalie felt this way about her brother, about her dad, about the all-dark. She also suspected she would feel these things for other wolves one day, too. She wanted to— it seemed like the right thing.

The little Tainn wished, for a moment, that she could see the woman's face again. Heart beats carried some meaning, but Sahalie was not gifted or fluent in this language. She was not fluent in any language. But faces were okay, faces were easy. The all-dark said a lot more with her face than she ever did with words.

With great difficulty the girl wrestled with this idea of going, of never seeing someone who made your heart beat fast ever again. The ache that had entered her heart when this woman spoke felt like it grew stronger when it was named. Whatever bottom existed in Sahalie's feeble construction of grief fell away and suddenly she knew that this pain was endless. It was like those puddles you couldn't see into the bottom of. She felt like she was holding her mouth open in a rain storm. She did not want to feel this way.

"Oh," she said, reaching out to place her little paw on the large silver leg in front of her. She could not figure out what to say to this woman. Frustration welled up in her little body so much that she began to shake, for she desperately wished that this feeling did not exist in her or in anyone. This would not be Sahalie's last encounter with this familiar obstacle in her life, though she did not know it yet. Pressing more forcefully into the woman's soft fur, the girl could only close her eyes and will the pain away.

Knowing it was useless did not stop her.