Oak Tree Bend take your time

@Spieden

There was something strange about big creature.

It tugged on her heart in ways that she could not understand. There were two big creatures that she saw most of the time. Both were dark so it took her awhile to distinguish them, and for the first two weeks of her life they could have just been one wolf. But at some point she had noticed that one had a white patch and two wolves existed quite suddenly where there had just been one. The one with the white patch was kind but very busy, he was around sometimes but not always. More constant was the all-black one. She was there when they slept and it was from her teets that she and her brother ate. But the white one, even though he was around less, there was something emanating from his presence that was just... absent from the all-black. He excited her, he made her smile, he was gentle and seemed like everything she wanted from the world. The all-black was strange, distant. Her actions felt compulsory and Sahalie's smile would falter. Somewhere in her heart Sahalie seemed to know that this was not how it was supposed to be, mostly because it wasn't how she wanted it to be.

Quietly, the girl resolved to get to the bottom of this.

As evening settled, the dark cub returned early to the den from her busy day of smooshing her brother into the ground for all the other strangers to see. The all-dark was not there yet, because she was an adult and she had other duties. Sahalie let a soft whine escape her. She was hungry and it was reaching dinner time. In spite of everything, Sahalie's trust in the all-dark was implict. She would return. She knew it.

@Sahalie

Spieden Coho

Spieden noted the sun's steady decline with growing tension. Her ears flicked to the sides as she watched the ball of fire slowly inch down towards Serpent's Pass from her vantage point on the riverbank. She huffed apprehensively, licking the few stray trout scales from her lips before rounding about and making her slow way downstream towards the den.

The den was a place she was beginning to feel shackled to. She told herself it was just something she had to briefly endure, and hated herself for having to think that. Endure. No mother would, or at least should, endure their children. The issue was perhaps that she was not really their mother, nor were they her children.

It had rankled her when Nayeli had bred, being her subordinate. Spieden had struggled with it at the time, while she had no interest in finding a mate, or bearing cubs despite her right to do so, she couldn't feasibly justify being irritated at Triell's mate when it was something she would never pursue herself. To add insult to injury, whatever hormonal stew Nayeli had been steeped in managed to infect Spieden. The cubs had been lucky on that front once it had came to light that Nayeli was gone again, but Spieden had grown to resent what her body had unwittingly signed her up for. But the alternative seemed so utterly cruel, to let them starve to death when she had the ability to provide. No one had asked her to step in, but it was their cries that had finally gotten to her after the second day without their mother's care. Pitiful little whimpers and squeaks as they begged for someone who wasn't there.

As Spieden neared the den, she could hear the small whines of the cubs, no doubt hungry. The Coho wolf walked softly towards the entrance, stepping from falling dusk into the darker mouth of the den. Her broad shoulders brushed the ceiling as she crept forwards, peering into the dark and spotting the two pairs of glinting eyes watching her. Her steps faltered and she hesitated. Sometimes she felt like a piece of meat.

@Spieden

Time passed without any markers in the darkness of the den. She could not be sure how long she waited.

The all-dark appeared in the den, crawling in even though her body was so big as to make movement difficult. And then she stopped. Sahalie's head tilted to the side in response, questioning. Her expectant puppy-blue stare crawled all over the confusing expression on the all-dark's face.  With some certainty, Sahalie sensed that what this was... was not right. This creature did not want to be here, she had not moved any closer yet. Sahalie continued to watch her, waiting for her to make a move. She wanted to be wanted.

But she was also impatient. What Nayeli's daughter wanted had to come second to what she needed. And that was food, warmth. Closeness could come later. Maybe. They could work on it, Sahalie was certain.

Every day her awareness of the all-dark waxed and her steps were more hesitant, cautious. Gingerly her stubby muzzle prodded the scarred leg of the all-dark. Drift didn't have any of these marks. He was all fur. What were they? Her eyes traveled upwards. She yipped at the dark milkbag. Would she submit and offer herself up? Her milk was weak tasting and thin, but it was all she knew. She would soon learn the taste and texture of flesh. Encouragingly, she drew her muzzle upward across the leg in a gesture similar to a caress. Her heart pounded.

She wanted more than food.

@Sahalie

Spieden Coho

The girl's blue eyes seemed to be staring into her, giving Spieden the uncomfortable feeling that Sahalie could see straight through to the shriveled little husk of a heart that beat in Spieden's chest. Her mouth quirked, unsure at the little bark aimed at her. She didn't know for sure what was trying to be said, but could only assume it meant that she was hungry. What else was there?

Spieden twitched, instantly pulling her leg back a step as if it had been burned by the little wet nose. She had to fight against the overwhelming urge to recoil further from what was only a harmless child. More than a simple dislike of touch, simple contact often made her skin crawl and stomach turn. She'd spent long enough submitting to other's abusive whims that she couldn't take it any longer. She'd managed to become accustomed to letting them get close enough to nurse, occasionally doling out a mildly affectionate nudge or lick here and there. It was easy enough to accomplish on her terms. Usually they did not reach for her uninvited, and this time Sahalie had caught her off guard.

Immediately Spieden felt ashamed, her uneven ears folding and tail dropping low. Sahalie had done nothing wrong. Nayeli wouldn't have even batted an eye, and would have likely reciprocated the gesture in full. Spieden just didn't know what to do. Or... She had some idea. She had hazy memories of being a pup, the halcyon days of sleeping warm under her mother's close embrace, being groomed clean from ears to tail, or hearing mother's rich voice rumble with words Spieden didn't yet know but could understand the meaning of: an utter and tender devotion to her and her siblings. The knowledge her mother would have moved heaven and earth to keep them happy and safe. Spieden knew that Sahalie and Drift deserved these things too... But... She could only give so much.

Spieden lowered herself to the ground, rolling until her back met the cool wall of the den, belly exposed and feeling vulnerable. Fiery amber eyes closed firmly as she exhaled a long sigh. "I'm sorry," She murmered.

@Spieden

She felt the taught skin underneath the black fur of the creature's leg flinch quite suddenly. Sahalie was unaccustomed to movement from this large body. This spooked her in much the same manner as her touch had the all-dark. As swiftly as the toddler could, she scooted backwards on her butt. There. Now there was adequate space between her and the all-dark, the way that the all-dark preferred it. With the trusting blue eyes of a cub, the little girl looked up at her surrogate mother as if to ask, "Did I do good?" Her expression was anxious, stressed by all the uncertainty of her environment. She needed to know she had done the right thing, but she hardly knew what the right thing was.

But as she stared up at the all-dark she felt immediately that she had not. Guilt was a complex emotion that she had little experience with, as well as the minds of others. Reactions and facial expressions, she had taken to assuming, were always in direct response to her own actions. The all-darks ears were twisted backwards and her tail was limp: these were bad signs.

She had done bad.

As if to agree that, yes, she was a bad girl, Sahalie began to mirror the posture. Her comically small ears twitched as far back as they would go and her runty little tail curled against her body. This was Sahalie's first apology. And she was sorry for herself, sorry that she did not understand what anything meant. Her dark head turned towards the dirt floor of the birthing den as she tried to wrestle with the complex details of her situation and tapped out each time. She had nothing.

The all-dark, however, began to lower herself to the ground. Sahalie got back to her feet. This was the time to feed. This was what the all-dark did when she intended to feed them. The young Tainn took a hesitant step but stopped immediately when air billowed from the all-dark's mouth somewhere deeper in the cave. Several moments passed as she considered the shapes of the sounds uttered by the all-dark. They sounded sad. "Saaahheeeeeeeeee" she mimicked blandly, unsure of the word's meaning. Her attempt did not sound much like the all-darks. In fact, it sounded more like her own name.

She made no attempt to get closer. She was a deer in the headlights.

@Sahalie

Spieden Coho

With eyes closed, Spieden waited to be descended upon like a carcass by vultures. A few seconds passed into a moment too long, thoughts of birds wheeling slow circles in the sky, before she heard Sahalie's high, soft voice seemingly echoing her apology. Spieden's eyes flicked back open, seeing Sahalie's dark form outlined by the scant remains of twilight standing in the same spot. She hadn't moved an inch closer. In fact, the little girl looked downright terrified of her. Her grizzled brow creased as she wondered what was wrong now. Perhaps if she'd kept her trap shut, she could have avoided prolonging the entire awkward occasion. Spieden dearly hoped she'd simply missed Sahalie's first words, which were hopefully something more pleasant such as "dada" or even her brother's name. The thought of Triell having to wonder why his children's first words were "sorry" was a bit embarrassing.

"Oh no," Spieden groaned, then wincing as she hoped Sahalie wouldn't be parroting that as well. "Sahalie, you're fine. C'mere." She said gently while shifting in place, rising slightly on her elbows. Her tail beat slow rhythm on the dusty den floor. She extended a tentative snout out towards the coal-coated cub, reaching and waiting to see if she could coax her closer. Of course she knew it could all backfire on it, but how worse could she really get as a fake mother?

@Spieden hhhhhhhn not giving you much to work with e___e. that's puppies for you

More noises came from the all-dark. The girl tilted her head at the curious sounds. Their structure was interesting to her, but only loosely tethered to the uncomfortable tone that her surrogate mother superimposed on her words. She thought she heard her name in there, but it was lost in a jumble of other things. Her ears picked up slightly, cautiously she pulled her dark head up to see that now the all-dark was reaching out for her. The change of pace was jarring. Her heart raced.

This was what she wanted, but it still felt wrong.

The tone and the expression was all wrong. The white-patched creature that visited had a kind face, an open face. When he reached out for them, it was not a gesture that hesitated or stopped halfway, waiting for consent. In her heart of hearts she knew this was not the relationship she expected to have with the milkbag that fed her. But she had no idea how to voice this. Instead her expression was strained and her dark ears were flat again. She battled with herself. She felt had no right to refuse love, even if it did not come in the form she wanted. Something told her she would go hungry before she could find the love she wanted.

If it was out there.

Unsure of what else to do, she toddled dutifully towards the outstretched muzzle. It felt good to press her tiny body against the black snout, cheeks, and eventually into the deep forest of neck fur. "Saaaaheeee" she breathed again gently. She didn't know what else to say, what else she was allowed to do at this point. She would have liked to bury her ear into the soft area at the base of the all dark's ear, but felt like that would only bring both of them more pain.

She supposed she still wanted food, but at this point the belly was kind of hard to access. Sahalie pulled away slightly to give the milkbag another expectant look. It was all she could do.

@Sahalie

Spieden Coho

Spieden waited, holding her offer of pseudo-affection and unsure if it was even wanted now. Sahalie seemed hesitant, and Spieden couldn't blame her with the mixed messages she must have been sending.

She knew something was broken, but had no tools to fix it. The clock couldn't be turned back, and even if Nayeli returned that very day, Spieden wasn't sure things could go back to the way they should be. Spieden had only meant to help, but now realized that just keeping them alive wasn't enough, not really. A morbid thought flitted through her mind if it would have been better to never step in at all, but the tiny glinting blue eyes staring at her in the darkness of the den made her feel immediately guilty for even humoring such a thought. She had to make this work, for their sake.

Spieden watched with unusual patience as the coal coated girl finally started to move. She knew what to expect having invited contact this time, but still could not help but subconsciously tense at the movement towards her delicate and vulnerable throat. She did not recoil but instead froze, holding her breath in anticipation. What she did not anticipate how gentle, if not slightly uncoordinated, was the feeling of Sahalie's warm, fuzzy form pressed against Spieden's grey-flecked muzzle, following down her cheek and neck. Spieden sighed, stiff cables of muscle in her thick neck relaxing as she eased into the uncertain embrace.

Spieden lifted her head slightly as Sahalie backed away, looking down to notice the familiar, hungry expression. With all the decorum of a capsized ship she slowly rolled to her side with a quiet grunt. All other aspects of parenting, perhaps she could learn to tolerate, maybe even enjoy, but she didn't think she could ever get used to being somebody's dinner.

@Spieden one more from you and then you can archive???? uuuuugh sahalie -pokes- DO THINGS

Vaguely she felt a change in the all-dark's body. It was as though she were holding herself in place very determinedly for quite some time. It was as if she didn't want to move to quick, didn't want to freak anyone out. It was a careful, awkward dance these two wolves had been forced into. Sahalie sensed that none of this would change any time soon, that this might be the rest of her life: trying to warm up to the rigid, confusing all-dark. The thought exhausted her small, fluttering heart. Was everything about life this tiring? There seemed to be new things coming into her world all the time, but so many of them were things she didn't like or didn't understand.

The all-dark sighed and Sahalie sighed too.

When the all-dark rolled over, Sahalie gingerly walked to the waiting teets. Several times she glanced back at the all-dark. What was she thinking? She could not even find a guess in her heart. Instead she tried to distract herself with the thin taste of the milk. Even it's nourishment was doubtful. She liked it less and less as the days went by, and with every week it seemed like there was less. She had to pull harder to get anything out of the all-dark, and she wondered vaguely if this was painful for the all-dark. Maybe she shouldn't have used her teeth so much, but it was hard to get a good grip on a nipple otherwise. A frown creased the small face. This was too hard, this was all too hard to do.

Spieden Coho

Spieden held carefully still as Sahalie drew closer, afraid that any sudden movements would have her spooked again like a startled fawn. She couldn't help but notice the nervous glances, as if the little girl were approaching a sleeping bear rather than a parent. How Spieden had broken this child so badly, she had no idea. Spieden knew the guilt probably did not help, Sahalie was more perceptive than she'd imagined a cub would be.

The feeling of a pup latching on like a leech both felt familiar and alien. Spieden thought about how a real mother might have looked down at her nursing cubs with tender love and a sense of self sacrifice, but all she felt was discomfort and dysmorphia. She didn't like watching them cling and suckle from her body, she hated the constant ache and the occasional sharp pains as needle sharp milk-teeth bit into her, trying to pull out what little was there.

Spieden's tongue lolled out in an anxious pant as she looked away, first into the dark depths of the burrow and then out of the earthen window of navy-blue nightfall. Her ears flicked towards a scuffling from somewhere in the den, and Spieden looked down just in time to see Drift's pale form nestle up alongside his sister, claiming his own spot at her belly. She supposed she was lucky there was only two of them, but she still wasn't sure if she would be able to keep them alive. She silently prayed that they would make it.

(This post was last modified: Aug 15, 2015, 04:11 AM by Spieden.)