Stonewatch Timbers Wish I Might

ooc: This thread will center around the Random Event: "There is a shooting star tonight." All are welcome; post structure is fluid. Backdated 8-14-15; thread begins around dusk. I am so sorry for the giant inner monologue starter of sads.

---

Pale yellow eyes watched as the sky darkened, painted in soft auroral gold and pinks and blues - although the gold had faded and diminished until it had become a single, burning line about the horizon. After another few breaths, even that had faded, plunging Stonewatch Timbers into the velvety violet shades of early dusk. It was such a peaceful thing to watch, this transition from day to night - from sunny and warm to shadowy and cool. Calanthe rolled her shoulders as she lay watching the world turn dark around her, marvelling to herself at the growing strength she could feel rippling under her fur. Such an easy thing to miss, even now, but when nothing else battled for her attention Calanthe was quick to count the blessing that was her continued return to health.

Still... there were other things on the pale wolf's mind, things she pushed back as often as she could, so that the sadness they brought with them did not mark her every waking moment. Some quiet part of her mind, the logical part, maybe, wondered if she would ever stop moping, ever stop revisiting the bad things and the losses that she knew cursed well could never be undone. Would never be undone. The past was dead; when would she learn to bury it? She shook her head, sunfleck eyes closing for a moment. Her mother would say it was refusing to let herself grieve that kept the woman trapped in the mistakes of yesterday. Was she right? Was Calanthe keeping herself pinned down by ignoring what she ought to mourn and let go?

A whine escaped her muzzle; her tawny ears flattened against her skull as she lowered her head to her forepaws. All well and good in principal - but the suffering she saw before her when she considered allowing herself to grieve was worse than an ocean, was more endless than the flames had been. No. No, she was not going to give in to that. The skinny she-wolf gave herself a hard shake and shoved those thoughts away again, shoved those names and faces into the corner of her mind that stayed locked away until she slept. The past was done. There was no reason for her to ruin her present with it anymore.

But... she could honor the past. Just once, just tonight, she could let herself remember them to the stars - and so she raised her muzzle to the sky and sang for them, just once, just one small song, not searching for them in the midst of chaos, but releasing them from her nightmares - not pleading with them to come back to her and bring her with them, but forgiving them for leaving her behind and thanking them for the time she had with each of them. Overhead, though her eyes were shut and did not see, a shooting star raced across the sky, leaving a trail of white fire in its wake before dissolving into the growing darkness.

OOC: -Dumps even more emotional things and runs-

At first her intentions had only been to check on how the new members were getting along in the pack. Calanthe was last on her list, seeing as she'd had a bit more time to adjust and thus warranted less urgency. She came upon the pale woman after a good while of walking through the surrounding woods. She didn't like to exit the borders much anymore, but at least she wasn't totally alone this time. The sun had gone, leaving only colorful distortions of its light on the horizon and on the very edges of the clouds. It was growing dark. There was enough of it left to make out the reclining form of Calanthe in the distance. Raela proceeded with caution. There was no need to startle the poor thing; she'd seen how jumpy the other female was.  Only a few paw-steps had been placed in her direction when she noticed the form rise. Raela slowed further, utterly halted by the mournful yet empowered song she sang so loudly. Her eyes drifted up to the distant horizon; afforded a view only by this hillside clearing her subordinate had found. In that moment she remembered the story Calanthe had told her; of the flames and the loss of her whole family. The howl was unmistakable, and it spoke to her own wounded soul. Tolas... A flash of light captured her attention. She watched the shooting star streak brilliantly above them, knowing that her companion probably hadn't seen as she sang on. The meteor vanished as soon as it had appeared, and Raela again turned her eyes to the pale wolf. The sound was dwindling away, and soon enough Calanthe had gone quiet. A rush quickened her heartbeat and swelled in her chest. The urge was undeniable. Raela strolled forward boldly; her ears at attention. Her slender form slid into place beside her pack mate, and without a word or even a glance she threw back her head. The air in her lungs flowed louder; casting the same powerful tones over the hills. The intensity inside of her flowed out with it; effortlessly delivering the cry of a little sister, robbed. But it was not to call him back. The howl burst above them, paying further homage to the first wolf to ever show her love; to ever value her – the only thing that fought off the Asurn ideals and preserved her innocence against their savagery and hate. She knew it was because of him. They had kept each other strong, and she would keep them strong, even in death.  Image © Chris Smith Photography Manipulation © Jenandra

            

A lynx has left behind the remains of a deer. +5 Health

Raela's appearance at the pale wolf's side startled Calanthe for a moment, but that startlement melted quickly away in the wake of Raela's song. The memory of their thunder storm conversation ran through Calanthe's mind as well, and she dipped her head out of sympathy for the other woman as she listened. She had lost a loved one, as well... clearly one with whom she had shared a powerful bond. The similarities between them stung Calanthe like a great thorn through her chest as memories of an ashy-furred wolf flashed behind closed eyelids. Kenelm...

"Do you think they would be... happy for us?" the skinny she-wolf asked when Raela's own song trailed off to an end and the silence had returned for a few moments. "For the life we've found here?" She didn't know what sort of answer she expected - laconic? Long and ponderous? She wasn't even sure whether or not she wanted - or needed - for Raela to agree or disagree. She wasn't entirely sure she cared either way; it was enough that right now, she wasn't alone. It was enough that right now Calanthe could be certain she wasn't the only one still fighting not to drown.

Calanthe sighed and gave her mane a half-hearted shake, not because she was embarassed or annoyed but simply because she didn't really know what else there was to do. She wanted to ask a great many questions, but where to start, and how to ask at all without ripping open old wounds? "...My older brother... the youngest of my siblings--" She smiled feebly, remembering how he might have grinned at the comment, teased her for being confusing, "--was named Kenelm. He was a Scout, like I would have been. He used to bring me out on nights like this - even though we usually both got into trouble for it - and let me look at the sun going down." She glanced across to Raela again and hesitated before asking, "And... yours? Who was the one you... lost?"

(This post was last modified: Aug 22, 2015, 12:54 AM by Calanthe.)

Her powerful note continued for a beautiful moment; eyes sealed shut as vivid memories appeared in her mind. The recent encounter with Eirian made them all the more real. Eventually though, it had to end, and Raela's voice drifted away. Her skull remained lifted for a few seconds more; drinking in the cool breeze and how it felt against her face. Gently the woman's head descended; again becoming level with the earth. Her golden eyes peeled open, still swimming in sadness but refusing to tear up. She stared off into the trees; appreciative of the silence Calanthe had allowed to fall. Another quiet round of nostalgic waves passed by when the woman in question finally spoke up. Raela didn't turn her head at first; choosing instead to let her ears alone drink it in.  The words were morose; clawing at her old scars but still they did not give way. She only folded her big ears in reaction. There was absolutely no question to what her answer would be. It was solid enough that she even parted her lips to answer quietly, as if her voice would disturb the stars if lifted too much. “Yeah,” came the short, breathy response. It seemed however that there was more on her companion's mind, and the older woman was fine with listening. The connection to her mumblings was immediate; enough to jar her focus back down to the skinny girl. It was her older brother too. Now her ears cupped forward with even more interest as the story unfolded. A melancholy smile pulled her lips back a bit. Her and Tolas were no strangers to trouble either, but she hoped Calanthe had been spared the same severity.  Abruptly the topic shifted to sit squarely on her shoulders instead. Instead of shocked, Raela's face melted into defeat, and her eyes shifted away. “It was my older brother too,” she confessed, a half-hearted grin on her muzzle. It faded though. “Tolas. But I didn't loose him to nature. I lost him to family,” the Asurn woman's jaw grew tight as she spoke. What harm was there in telling her about the Asurns now? Since Eirian had appeared they all knew who she was; what she was tied to. “Asurns, are not medics. They... don't heal the injured.” That was enough. Her tongue passed over her nose anxiously, a gesture that might have gone unnoticed had Calanthe not been paying much attention. If anything the woman could work out how the pieces all fell into place from what she'd told the pack earlier. Another cold breeze buffeted against her skin as she stood with her head down. Image © Chris Smith Photography Manipulation © Jenandra

(This post was last modified: Aug 28, 2015, 12:42 AM by Raela.)

            

Calanthe listened, content for the moment to silence herself and hear what Raela had to say - and good that she did, even if hearing the agouti woman's exact relationship with her own lost relative sent a shockwave of dull, throbbing agony rocketing hard into her chest. Two women without their families, both of whom had lost older brothers who had been their greatest friends...

Her blood ran chill at Raela's words. Family had taken Tolas from his little sister? Surely that didn't mean... That couldn't mean what it sounded very much like it meant. It couldn't. No wolf was that vicious. No wolf would turn on its own kin. The pack was everything; how could it survive if there was no loyalty among its members, no sense of devotion or commitment between each individual?

Then again... Calanthe's mind swept back to the events just hours ago, when Gent had summoned the whole of the Crest pack back to the den. The explanation he and Raela had offered once they had joined their pack mates was spine-chilling - that there was a murderous wolf out there somewhere, willing to kill any wolf he considered a mutt. Even the puppies would not be spared should he encounter them... and this wolf was Raela's cousin. Maybe he had even been one of the same wolves to kill Tolas, as jarring and horrific and wrong as the idea seemed.

Was this the darkness Raela hid behind those sunshine yellow eyes?

Calanthe turned her eyes from the agouti to the ground, unconsciously mimicking the older woman's posture. Spirit's Gambol had been... all Calanthe knew. Even now she found herself learning more and more than she ever imagined she might in the world outside her birthplace. But... with what she knew now, how much of what she had accepted as a pup was wrong in comparison to the life she now knew?

"You aren't like them." The words flew out of Calanthe's mouth the moment the sentiment entered her mind. Her eyes swung up perhaps a bit more boldly than they should, seeking out Raela's gaze as she told the other woman, "If that's what you're afraid of, you don't have to be. You're nothing like them, not from what I've heard of them and seen of you." She fell silent, wondering if she had said too much, gone too far in trying to comfort the other woman. Was that a line she perhaps should not have crossed?

Again the night claimed their voices; leaving the two battered souls to stand alone. Well, in truth they weren't really alone right now. There was the fact that summer nights reminded her of Tolas so strongly she could feel his presence; as she had the night with Minka, and there was also the fact that Calanthe was here. Though the paler girl might have lost nearly the same thing she had; there was a part of Raela that remained aware that her companion's loss was likely far less devastating. Tolas hadn't been her favorite, or her best, he had been her only in that hellish place, and there were few exiled Asurns that were even alive let alone able to truly share her pain. Nonetheless it was comforting to have something near to it, someone. She had delved this far into her memories when Calanthe's voice ripped her to the present; filling her eyes and ears with the now. She met the woman halfway; staring with wide eyes as the words continued to flow in the wake of that ambush. Calanthe was hardly ever this forward, with anyone. It wasn't taken as opprobrious though. The meaning behind the outburst struck her as obvious; after all, she had hoped to ditch the legacy when she committed to silence on her own surname. That was why she was here wasn't it? Because she wasn't like them? If she hadn't been around Eirian could have easily wormed his way into the ranks by now with no one the wiser. A pup could be dead. And yet... she was still itching from what he'd told her. She had to advance in rank; at least a little bit.  The longer she remained where she was; the longer she watched new members come trickling in; like Calanthe and Moraxia and Alphinaud, the more she found herself growing defensive. Outwardly there was no display of dominance despite her rank; it was unnecessary wasn't it? No one had disrespected her in any serious way. But in her mind she was. The sight of the brutish wolf that Moraxia was had given her pause; concern even for her title. It wasn't second, but it certainly wasn't lowest as she was used to being. Like the greedy peasant turned king she grew anxious at the thought of being challenged. She would not go back. She liked it here. Calanthe would be no threat to her for quite some time she was sure, and Cessair was an easy enough opponent – but insecurity held Raela back.  There was no desire to put any one else down or to upset them by taking their rank; she was simply awakening to an instinct that had been so thoroughly trampled it had been completely underground until now. Eirian had only fed it. She'd never been an assertive person, save for the times she needed to defend someone. Gent had seen her defiant side; the one that got her chased out; but where was it? That instance it only emerged for Kajika's benefit, what about herself? There was only one time she could think of, against her mother; and that had ended more than poorly. But, perhaps things were different here. So far they had been. Her eyes rose from the distance, now acutely aware that she'd been quiet for a while. She owed the girl something. “No I'm nothing like them,” she answered softly. “and somehow neither was he.” Her legs folded back into a sitting position but the woman's head and ears remained low.  Image © Chris Smith Photography Manipulation © Jenandra

            

Calanthe was patient, waiting as she watched Raela struggle with whatever shadows tormented her from inside her mind. Even if the pale wolf could have thought of anything to say, she would not have. Silences like this were best left unbroken; too much that was precious or groundbreaking or necessary could be shattered and lost forever if Raela wasn't allowed to draw herself out of her thoughts this time. Calanthe was young and maybe a fool on top of that, but she understood this much at the very least.

Her ears pricked as Raela finally spoke again, but she knew without having to ask that the agouti was still slogged down in whatever inner turmoil she wrestled with. Talking to her about her past did not seem to bring Raela the comfort it brought Calanthe. That made sense enough, at least; Raela's family were a pack of monsters, Calanthe was convinced of that much by now. Her spine itched as something dark and sullen settled like low-burning embers in her gut. They weren't worth remembering. They didn't deserve to darken Raela's present.

"You know, I never did thank you," Calanthe murmured once she managed to squash that... whatever it was down again. "For our discussion during the storm a few days ago. The advice you gave me... I really do think I would do best as a hunter for our pack. I don't know if I would ever have been able to let myself consider it, though, if you hadn't helped me realize I have that option now." She smiled gratefully at her companion. "So... thank you for that, Raela. You helped me crawl out from under something I thought would sit in my bones until the day I died."

It was paltry, but Calanthe was desperate to say something - anything - that might help Raela feel a little less gloomy. She didn't like seeing the woman this way, hunched down and seeming defeated by her own blood. Wasn't there anything she could say or do to help? Why couldn't she be as good at cheering people up as Raela seemed to be?

"I wish I could make things better," she finally sighed. "You deserve to be happy without... without certain wolves--" her fur spiked again, very briefly, "--coming along and making you feel like you don't have any right to it."

She was grateful to see that Calanthe hadn't been bothered by her prolonged silence. It wasn't the most comfortable thing to have to sit idle while another fought their battles; or even just went digging in their own mind. She for one hated when others went so silent; locking her out of their thoughts and fears. Being let in was what she really wanted; but Rae accepted that it wasn't always easy. Instead of any of these things the girl was patient; waiting till even after she'd spoken and the silence fell upon them again to respond. A single orange ear was still fixed to her location; inhaling all of her voice as it attempted comfort.  Her inner storm grew gentle as the older woman's mind latched on to this new line of discussion. Calanthe was, thanking her. The words drew her ears and head up; and they drifted slowly toward her friend. A smile of her own emerged, but it was faint. She was glad to have helped; it was Raela's whole purpose in life as far as she was concerned. As the syllables faded into the darkness, her gaze returned to where it had been before. She wished she could have helped Tolas as he had helped her. Lifting the spirits of a hundred souls would never make up for the one that saved her. But, at least there was some good in that. If every wolf felt indebted to another there would only be charity spread all over the world. If she was doomed to helping others for the rest of her life, that was just fine.  On top of things it was nice to hear that her attempts at her desired role had been going smoothly. Advisor was a step above the rest; one of the most trusted individual roles. At least she could accomplish it with success to some degree after all these failures. That was nice. As if her mood could be felt fouling the air; Calanthe came forward with even more. Her mind growled with agreement at the woman's sentiments. She wished she could forget it all; wish he hadn't come to toy with and taunt her. This was supposed to be her haven. He wasn't supposed to find them here. A deep sigh pressed at her ribs. “Well if I hadn't been here you guys wouldn't know about him so, there's that,” she puffed solemnly. “Thanks Cal,” she added, not thinking much of the fact that she'd used a nickname. Her paws extended; bringing the female down onto her belly with her head between her paws. Raela's soft plume of a tail wrapped around her side protectively.  “I'm glad I did something right,” she half-smiled, glancing back at the tawny girl.  Image © Chris Smith Photography Manipulation © Jenandra

            

Raela was not the only one who was glad to have done something right; watching the agouti woman finally seem to relax again brought a wave of relief washing over Calanthe, soothing her frayed nerves and smoothing the fur along her spine again as the younger wolf sat down again and gave her mane a slight shake. It was good to know her own honest opinion was actually helpful for once - especially for one the pale wolf was quickly beginning to view as a close friend.

"You do lots of things right," she informed the other woman with mock gruffness. "Gent and Minka are no pair of fools, you know. Do you think they'd let you claim such a high rank if they didn't think you could be trusted, no matter how hard you worked for it?" Again a part of Calanthe's mind wondered if she was being too opprobrious, and again she shoved the worry aside. "They trust you. The whole pack does - I know I do. Don't worry about what some idiot says - trust what we know."

It was a long speech, and not the sort Calanthe was used to making, but getting the words out there in the open felt like throwing off a weight she had been carrying around without even realizing it. She wasn't used to helping people - it wasn't exactly her strong suit - but when she managed it even just fractionally, it made her feel as though she was glowing from within. At the very least, it helped her forget the gnawing ache in her own chest for a little while.