Whisper Marsh moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake

“I am inclined to disagree, my friend,” Veho replied easily, shaking his head.  How should a wolf treat another so kind, but with sweetness and sugar?  He would only make her bitter if he used vinegar and acid (as if it were ever in his nature to do such).  “You need to nothing to ‘earn’ my friendship, for you already have.  You appear, and suddenly the world seems a different place, somehow full of grace, full of light.  How was I to know so much hope was held inside me?  You are such a rare creature, it would be a tragedy to diminish you by treating you any less than you rightly deserve.”

Where her shoulder pressed into his, the medic leaned right back, a satisfied sigh falling from his lips.  In truth, simple comradery did a great deal for the gray wolf – social interactions were so rewarding in and of themselves.  Still, he’d always been a chatty wolf, and once prodded, it was near impossible for the medicine man to resist.  “Ah, it would be ungrateful of me to complain, for I am blessed with what I have.  Some wolves never even see a pack, and I have fallen into one that suits me as if I was crafted just for it.  Still, I would be lying if I said nothing weighed upon me.”

And I have been struggling with my honesty, lately.

“I fear I have fallen in love, without much meaning to.  All the same, I can no longer imagine my life without, but --  But it feels rather selfish.  I love him.  I want nothing but happiness for him.”

Silence.

“But he’s already taken a mate.”

(This post was last modified: Oct 06, 2015, 08:35 PM by Rook. Edit Reason: fixed your table. didn't add bgcolor. oops. :x )

Bella knew better than to protest this time, accepting his onslaught of sweetness with nothing more than a self-conscious smile. It would have been wonderful to be the magnificent creature that he described, but the notion that he believed it at all was pleasure enough. It was, in essence, every bit the wolf she wanted to be, a source of joy and love for those in her life, but she knew that reality was different. Veho and Bella had exposed their cores to one another, so perhaps it was this pure intent that he had picked up on. Similarly, that idea warmed her heart, and though she did not say it aloud for fear of him continuing - this complimentary feast was far too much for her ego, which ordinarily had a very meagre appetite - she made a silent promise to herself, to both of them, to be the woman that Veho saw.

In that moment, a large part of that promise was to offer her ear to the man as he had done. She welcomed his warmth as he pressed back, gaze turned on his contemplative face. It was clear that he had much weighing on his mind. Quietly and without interruption Bella listened, just as he had done for her, and by the time he finished her eyes shone with heartfelt sympathy. Gently she rubbed her head into his cheek, and let it rest there, listening to his heartbeat, to his breathing. She feared that she had no magic words, no comfort as effective as that which he had administered to her. All she could do was understand.

"I understand how much it can hurt, to think you're loving the wrong person, that there must be something wrong with you... that no matter how you look at it, you only see it as something destructive. Believe me, I do. But that is not what love really is. It's what lights the fire in our souls and makes us more than just flesh on bones, makes us into something bigger, better than we are. You must never regret loving, Veho. It is the most pure, beautiful thing we can do.

"This man," she said, after a moment, offering no judgements, no prejudice, no assumption, "does he feel the same?"

“Is this love? What was right seems wrong, and what was wrong seems right,” Veho sighed, wrinkling his nose at the melancholy blanketing him. It was not like him, he knew, to allow himself to fall into such a dark place. And yet here he was, leaning on a woman he’d only met once before as if she’d known him his whole life – as if this was his sister here, and not a veritable stranger. If Neha were still walking this earth, what would she have to say about him? About the situation he’d gotten himself into? All this time he’d know better, and while he could ignore it in the beginning, while it was still blossoming into something new, @Rook had revealed the truth of his relationships. That should have been the end if it – it should have been the end of it! A truly good wolf would have cut it off right then, no matter what he felt for the other party, because it was simply the right thing to do.

How would he feel, were the wolf he adored swept out right from under him?

Veho’s stomach turned traitorously and he shook his head, visibly restraining himself as he fought the urge to bury his face in the mother’s inviting ruff and ignore the world around him. “I regret this, Belladonna. I regret it. This is not the Veho my parents raised. There is nothing beautiful or pure about breaking someone else’s heart. There is nothing right about inserting myself where I do not belong. There is already something there, and where do I get off, thinking that I might waltz in and find a place. He has a mate. He has a mate. I know her, I’ve met her, she loves him. Misses him when he’s gone, wonders if she’s done something – and here I am, wishing after him all the same. He has a mate and he has a son. What kind of wolf, what kind of wolf--”

The gray wolf could not finish the sentence, erecting a mental barricade between himself and the veritable black hole of ‘what ifs’ and apparent sins. “This can’t be love. I want only the best for him, and this can’t be best. He has a life. I have nothing to offer, nothing but devotion and loyalty – how is that different than any pack wolf?” Perhaps he had made a grave mistake, thinking he’d found love when he was only engaging in a relationship that most wolves had grown up with. But, no, as soon as the thought came to mind, Veho was able to dismiss it – whatever it was, between himself and his partner, the world itself would have to end before he could bring himself to leave Rook. (It did not matter that he would forever play second fiddle. Veho could never bring himself to replace the mother of Rook’s child, anyways.)

“I-- Yes. I think? He is never quite clear with his words. And he does not want anyone to know. He says he is not ashamed, that he simply cannot stand sharing, and yet-- If anyone appears, he cannot get away fast enough. I-- I don’t know. I do not know.”

The anguish soon laid itself bare, a reservoir of torment that Bella had unintentionally let free. She would have regretted it if she didn't believe that this was cathartic for him, painful as it clearly was to say the words. Had he spoken of this to anyone else? Would the outpouring be so great if he had? Her heart twisted upon itself for him, yearning to relieve a hurt which she had no power over.

He questioned it, regretted it, resented it. From her knowledge of the man, Bella could not imagine that his love was anything but pure, but circumstances were corrupting it, and in so doing souring his entire perception of it. Nobody deserved less than what they gave, and Veho's heart was larger than most. He deserved the world, and it sounded as though he was being offered scraps. Angry for him, Bella bit her tongue, letting the man spill his heart without interruption, hoping that, if nothing else, getting the words out of his chest let him distance himself from them a little.

Bella could not help but wonder at the intentions of the other man. This other man who had not only a mate, but a son. The man's existing relationship must have been at least six months old in that case, and from how Veho phrased it, she assumed that his love was relatively young. Young, and powerful, and fresh, and that he was unable to relish new love was terrible. The other man sounded indecisive and selfish. He could not share, and yet was content to let two other wolves share him, and it did not sound as though it was with their consent.

She had not moved from his embrace, and did not move still, wanting to make sure that he knew he was not alone in this moment. "You have a great deal to offer, my sweet," she said quietly, trying not to let her voice break. "In these two times we have met alone, you have brought me such great peace - you have saved me. I refuse to let you devalue yourself. You are a rare, wonderful man, and that this other wolf is letting you believe anything else, I-"

Biting her tongue again, Bella hesitated, fighting her own indignant anger, lest she say something unnecessary. "I loved the wrong man," she confessed, quiet. "He loved me too, but not... it wasn't healthy. If something hadn't happened to break us apart, I would still be there. I was weak for him, and it took a terrible thing to let me be free. I wish I had acted sooner... I wish I could have prevented it. He was not a good man, but he didn't deserve what happened, not entirely."

Veho's lover was not Wolesh, and indeed may have been cut from an entirely different cloth, but destructive love was destructive love. She didn't want to ask her next question, knowing that, from what Veho had said so far, the answer would probably hurt. "This man you love - would you want him to choose?"

(This post was last modified: Oct 08, 2015, 04:30 PM by Belladonna.)

There was some comfort to know, Veho supposed, that he was not the only wolf in the world who’d fallen in love with the wrong man. That the woman was willing to share her past and mistakes was a show of solidarity, and the medic exhaled, wilting against her side as she explained the situation. He could only assume her past mate deceased now, the way she spoke about his untimely fate, and perhaps he might have offered his condolences if she didn’t seem freed by the chains broken after their parting. Idly, he wondered after the man bound to her once, the wolf that had sired the children she so loved – but that was another conversation for another day. It was not his place to pry.

“It speaks well of you,” he murmured, finding it much easier to speak about Belladonna than himself, “that you are able to look at the situation without anger, or hatred. There is good in everyone, I should think. It is just harder to see in some than it is others.”

Were it so black and white, he probably wouldn’t have had this problem. But every wolf he’d ever met was cloaked in some varying shade of grey, and @Rook himself was no different. He was a brilliant man of the best intentions, and even now, even knowing everything he did, nothing had changed his high opinion of the alpha of Grizzly Hollow. The young lord was noble, and he was kind. He was clever, witty, and perhaps he was a bit selfish, but for that one con, there were so many pros that the scale never even threatened to tip against him. Bella’s question was met with a heavy sigh and the shake of his head – he already knew the answer, but the healer had no desire to give life to the words.

“It is not my place to ask him such,” Veho replied instead, studying the earth beneath his paws as moonlit eyes lost some of that shimmering light, transforming to something like brittle steel instead. “I-- I have behaved selfishly. I could not ask a man to abandon his son, nor could I punish him in such a way for my inability to control my own emotions and needs. Whatever sparked between us, I had the choice to pursue, or not. I knew better, I knew better. I suppose it is unkind of him to keep us separate, but I should have never asked for his time in the first place.” Huffing again, he shook his head, trying to ignore the constant buzzing in his head that reminded him only how displeased he was with his own choices. “I honestly do not know what he’d chose, or if he’d chose at all. But his mate has done nothing to deserve abandonment, and if he should choose in that direction, I don’t think I’d be any happier than I am now. I-- I suppose I would rather he chose her, in the end. They have a family together. I offer nothing but chaos. I can remain an advisor without…without getting my personal feelings involved.”

“How unfortunate, that it came to this.”

She had felt anger and hatred towards her dead mate, once, but the woman was ill-suited to such diseased emotions, and had long since forgiven. There were still tendrils of the cruel man wrapped about her heart, placed there by force and manipulation, but still she could not bring herself to resent them. There had been good times among the bad. Now that he was dead, there was no point in dwelling on the bad, for while he had taken from her, Wolesh had given so much more; her children were flawed but they were hers and she loved them more than she had loved anything else.

@Veho was right; there was good in everyone. It was why she did not hate Wolesh still, and how she could never give up seeing the light in her children, rare as those flashes might have been in some.

The answer to her question was long and full of guilt and regret - but mostly guilt. That someone should feel so bad just for loving someone, the thought made her want to cry out, to deny that such a thing should be possible. This man could not possibly appreciate the adoration that Veho clearly had for him, for if he did then he would not let it break Veho's spirit so completely. Her teeth bared for just a moment in the instant that Veho declared himself selfish, for maybe he was, but it was not this man who was in no position to accept courting, who had allowed two wolves to fall in love with him at once and then play them both. Bella did not believe that love could 'run out', but the heart was one thing and actions were entirely another.

Finally she pulled back, just enough to meet his dulled gaze, her own full of indignation on his behalf. She could understand why he would not be angry, for he was too close, and his heart too full of sorrow and guilt. Bella could be furious enough for the both of them. "You want to place the blame on yourself? Fine, then tell me, Veho, was he honest with you? When you were falling in love, when he was enjoying your attentions, encouraging and returning your affection, how quickly did he tell you he had a mate - a child? If you say anything other than at the first instant then he is magnitudes of selfish above you."

Veho did not want to answer these queries.  Veho could not answer these queries, not comfortably, and if he wasn’t as comforted by the woman’s presence as he was.  He would have been content to continue snuggling into her plush ruff, worrying himself into oblivion in the comfort of a friend.  He was deflated, no longer the wise wolf with the tumescent tongue and wild words.  He felt like a pup, seeking comfort against a friend’s side.  Unfortunately, they could not stay like this forever – surely Belladonna had a life to get back to, one that likely involved the children she so adore.  The medic had his own responsibilities back at Grizzly Hollow, not limited to keeping an eye on @Borden and making sure the former patriarch was as comfortable as his condition allowed.

Even so, it seemed their conversation had not come to an end, and the observant woman pressed onwards.  She knew, she knew, even without his verbal answer, and all the same, the man felt obligated to oblige her, despite the mental barricade he’d placed between himself and this knowledge.  “It took some time,” he answered softly, eyes falling to the earth as he shuffled uncomfortably.  It was true in the very beginning, they were perfect strangers, but once he’d joined the pack, he began to have his own suspicions.  Veho simply didn’t want to know the truth, that his happiness should end so abruptly.  “I don’t--  I’m not angry.  Not with him.  No matter how selfish this entire might have been, I just--  Had you seen him when he arrives, so good and so pure, you might know how it feels to be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight.  Even if I were to spend the rest of my days a world away, I think I would always love him,” the gray wolf sighed, ears flattening out to the side.

“Bella, I--  I thank you, for allowing me your shoulder.  It is not often I am able to share so freely.  Truly, you are a wonderful woman.  I am most pleased the Ancestors have brought our paths together again – and I do hope we can maintain this friendship.  You are a jewel among wolves.  Please, come visit me at the Hollow sometime.  I treasure your insight.”

A sigh, and he reached forward with his nuzzle, seeking out that comforting touch once more.  How lucky their children were, to have such a discerning, attentive wolf as their mother – her heart was filled with nothing but kindness and care.  It was a wonder her former mate hadn’t destroyed such a delicate, rare flower with his careless stomping, but he was so glad Wolesh hadn’t ruined the garden planted by her soul.  The world could use more wolves like Belladonna Calor, and it would be an infinitely better place, but Veho was content to count his graces that the Ancestors had guided his feet to cross her path in the first place.  Humming again, he wiggled his nose and gave her one finally brush before pulling back, allowing the angel her space once more.  “I have taken up a great deal of your time.  I suppose I ought to be heading on my way – but I do thank you, Bella.  And I do hope we might see more of each other.”

Could wrap up if you're ready?  Or continue, if you want.  Up to you.  <3

(This post was last modified: Oct 09, 2015, 09:11 PM by Veho. Edit Reason: close tags. )

She had pushed too hard. Their bodies were so close, his heartbeat in her ears, his breaths tickling her whiskers, that she could almost feel him deflating. Her anger wilted, giving way to sorrow and shame that she had forced him to this point. It had not been her intention to hurt him further, she should have been more careful. It was easy for her, an outsider, to say these things, to see the injustice, but he was in love. He was in love. How could she possibly have been so brusque.

It took some time, he said, the answer she had fully expected, but she only felt sad. He spoke of his love so openly, with such adoration, that she found it difficult to hate this wolf who had earned the heart of this man she respected so thoroughly. Selfish, yes, but she could not bear the thought that @Veho had gotten himself into the grips of some Wolesh. It had to be different. It was cruel, but she hoped that his lover was half as torn as Veho himself, for at least that kind of awareness would redeem him. It wouldn't fix anything, but it still allowed him a chance to be good.

Once more he praised her, but she did not feel so deserving of it. Bella accepted his touch, pressing her muzzle against his in whatever show of solidarity and understanding she could give. She had pushed him far enough to want to end their encounter, and she opened her mouth to protest before closing it again, slowly, not able to overrule his need for privacy with her own need for his presence. Was he genuine in his wishes, or was he just being polite? Heart straining for the man, she nodded, pushing forward once more to embrace him, eyes tightly shut. "You'll be in my thoughts," she said softly, drinking in his warmth and scent. Her voice dropped to a whisper, as the need to fight for him clashed with the need to shut up and just be sympathetic - but she couldn't say nothing, it was too desperately sad. "Nobody deserves to be second best. Keep yourself safe, my friend."

She pulled back, watching him with eyes wide and hurting for him. Bella would not turn away until he had, not wanting to waste any shared moment, trying not to imagine him returning to where the source of his guilt lay. Your heart, whoever he is - may he deserve your devotion.