omg this was so painful. also tl;dr @
Kino she speaks to you him the end.
Beside her she could hear Kyna's mother talking, but her voice was so hushed that she could not make out the words. Sahalie wanted to ignore the discomfort and uncertainty this small gesture brought into a situation that was already a mess: what did she say to Kyna? Did they regret coming here? This question in itself brought an onslaught of grief: she had, whether or not she was conscious of it, sold Oak Tree Bend to these wolves as a place of happiness. But apparently this had been misleading. Kyna and Kino (and, sure, Aponi) had come from other places with painful memories, and Sahalie had stupidly lead them into another snake pit. Would they all leave her now? Her eyes ever so slightly and haltingly inched towards Kyna, only to stop half way. She did not want her friend to be pressured. Not by her, not anymore.
But if Sahalie had thought that the bad news was a bite, she was wrong to assume that the jaws had relinquished their grip on the small, fractured family. Serach's thunderous growl reflected a determined, tearing, clenching bite holding on to Oak Tree Bend, its fangs sliding in ever deeper and tearing new wounds. Her white packmate, though he was not leaving with Drestig, had not said his full peace and thus there was no reason for her to relax at all. Huddling closer to her caretaker, she braced herself for the storm. Sahalie's own speech had been emotional and confrontational, but Serach said the words her heart would not let her to speak outloud: Coward. The word was so much more ugly, now that it was out in the open. She winced. And who was Silver? Drestig's own, personal ghost next to Hotei and Corinna?
Just as Drestig had been wrong to think he could convince the pack to come with him, Sahalie had been infinitely more foolish to think that Drestig could be convinced to stay. Not with all this rage boiling to the surface.
Leaning so intently on Spieden, the girl faltered slightly when her support gave way and the woman stand up. Sahalie leaned away slightly to get a better look at her face: she needed to see the emotion there, to know that the calmness in her tone was genuine. Sahalie just wanted things to be alright. Spieden made it sound like it could be that way, but unfortunately her version of alright meant allowing Drestig to go, free of responsibility or blame. Her mouth tightened. Was this all she could hope for, that Drestig could part on uncomfortable terms at best? Was the only glimmer of hope just a small recognition, for the first time, that Spieden was
happy? She rarely ever spoke like that.
The thin ray of sunshine was forgotten as the eye of the storm drifted away and the wind of words redoubled its efforts to bowl the wolves over and scatter them to the wind. Jessie's tone started out calmly enough, but the words still leveled a startling accusation on Serach's head. Sahalie breathed in sharply. As she continued, Jessie seemed to grow more and more exasperated and Sahalie shrank into Spieden's flank once more. It was hard for the girl to make sense of a story she knew only a little about. Most of the names were familiar, the dead of the Spectral Woods.
Sahalie knew the names, she wanted to shout. Sahalie cared about what had happened. It distressed her to think that this was how Jessie felt: that the other wolves who did not know those names could not hold valid opinions about the subject of moving or leaving. Seniority meant something to the girl, to the rest of the pack, but it seemed now that Jessie had been living in a different Oak Tree Bend all this time, one where those six names were still and always painfully alive. But was it anyone else's fault that they had joined later, sought refuge here in the misty woods, and wanted to stay? Would Jessie even
want these wolves? It made Sahalie sad that the answer seemed to be no. Despite her reclusive and gruff personality, there had always been some quality that she had loved about the grey woman. But perhaps the grey woman did not love her. Did not love anyone. There was just so much bitterness.
Truly, Sahalie was never prepared for
The Woman to speak, but in this violent storm she was even less so. A small voice inside her wished that she would go away. The dominant stance made her stomach flip over with nausea, because
who was this woman that peeled herself off of her father's side to speak. Sahalie knew not of what to make of any statements regarding Corinna and her wishes by neither Jessie nor Naira, but in general it seemed unfair for everyone to be putting words in the dead woman's mouth. Since clearly there was disagreement on how she would feel, it seemed innapropriate for the legacy to be hoisted onto either camp's banner. And what to make of the statement that "she was here too."
Was she? It didn't feel like it. Sahalie tried to breath deeply, recognizing that the bitterness of those around her were seaping into her thoughts and would take over if she let it. She couldn't let all this get to her. Naira was just another packmate, upset by the tumultuous news.
Behind her she heard her brother's tense whisper, and she craned her head around to peer into his pale face. Luckily he had put some weight back on, but his coat was as muddy as always. His excitement seemed a little misplaced, as well as his over all silence and the fact that he seemed to want to take her somewhere. She squinted her eyes at him, shaking her head a little as if to say, "
What? Now? What could you possibly want?" Honestly, it felt as if Drift did not understand. Maybe it was just that he didn't care, but the gravity on the situation just didn't seem to weigh him down like it did all the other wolves in assembly. Was it his time up north? Had it stunted him emotionally or cognitively? She had to wonder, he seemed to retain more of a child-like attitude than even she did. Her head turned back over her shoulder.
Kyna was making noise beside her, probably in answer to her mother. Sahalie's heart thumped heavily. She wanted to be glad that her friend would stay with her, but at the same time she felt horrendously guilty about the whole thing. So badly, she wanted to tell Kyna that things would be alright. That she could fix all this, that it would get better and her staying would help with that. But instead, she could only stare back at the ginger girl, eyes wide and wordless. Curiously her eyes clung to Kyna as her mother leaned down to whisper something to her? Why was there all this secrecy? Was her mother trying to convince her to change her mind? Apparently not, but it was suspicious all the same.
Ever so gently, Leotie added her name to the list of wolves staying in the Spectral Woods. She simply spoke her choice and was done, and Sahalie wondered at her wisdom. Instead of being like Leotie, Sahalie had been the first stab to get the blood to flow, she had opened some sort of horrible old wound and now the blood could not stop flowing. All around her were angry, bitter faces. And it felt like she had done this, like it had been her fault. She considered a world where she had not pleaded with anyone, where Serach had not been incensed to stand up and fire more direct shots and no volley would have been started. She screwed her eyes shut, feeling only worse despite the fact that she was, more or less, getting what she wanted: to stay.
Only this wasn't how she wanted it.
Alastor was the penultimate tally for the staying wolves. Silently, she tipped her muzzle in his direction, attempting without knowing the words to thank him for his loyalty and his brevity and, apparently, his sacrifice. God, it hurt all the more that Alastor was yet another wolf she had brought here into the mess. Sahalie did not deserve him or even any other wolf in Oak Tree Bend. She was so stupid.
Last to speak was her father, and hestiantly she turned to look at him sitting beside
the woman. His word was final, the
enough falling upon her like a heavy blow as she sank down. This time, though, she was not leaning against Spieden. It felt wrong. She deserved no comfort. And how right, how wise her father was: everyone deserved their own happiness, no matter where it was. How could she want to make Drestig stay here, in a place that made him unhappy?
That was everyone, then. Naturally, her attention went back to Drestig, looking for the residue of his reaction and finding only a subdued, tired looking man. Sahalie wondered what it was like to see a dead wolf everywhere she went. Anna did not truly follow her, though her smile and advice was tucked away safely in her heart. More than anything, Sahalie was simply thankful that Drestig was above arguing or taking Serach's challenge to the next level. He was not, however, above a small mention of his disappointment in the immaturity of the adult wolves.
More quickly than she had imagined, suddenly the goodbye was here. She had forgotten this part would come, so distracted in the storm of words for everyone else. It felt like every piece of her body was tearing in two as the two dark men stared into each other's faces, equals again, Drestig making a final statement of their friendship. But when the moment ended Drestig did not offer the same appreciation to any of the other wolves. Her mouth opened, longing to say something, to stop him, to tell him she still
loved him as he turned away without looking back. Shocked, she looked around at the other wolves. Though, from how she behaved, she realized, she did not really deserve a goodbye.
Right?
But the wolves were breaking apart now. Serach was already gone. Aponi was getting up now, Kyna in tow looking dejected. Sahalie's mouth fell open. Spieden's voice rose up next to her, offering a farewell that sounded more like something that would be heard at a funeral. Of course Naira was leaving as soon as possible, touching her father but otherwise rather indifferent to the whole thing.
A small shiver came over her, as if a ghost had tread over her grave. With a small start she realized Jessie was still here, though she was getting up and her eyes were sightless. Like a ghost she drifted away. Sahalie's throat felt raw and empty. She could say nothing.
Be safe, I love you, Goodbye, were there, jostling loudly for attention at the tip of her tongue. But louder still was, in spite of everything,
Come back! Please, come back! I'm sorry! and so she could not trust herself to speak. She did not want to say the wrong thing again. She just wanted things to be okay.
All that was left now was her father, Drift, and Alastor, her eyes clinging to each of them in desperation, like she expected them to do something. But what? What could they do. Her father would likely fallow the woman. And, as grateful as she was for his reasoning mind she felt distanced from him by his association with Naira. She did not want to talk to him, not really, not right now. Talking to a river would be just as useful as trying to hold a conversation with Drift. That left Alastor, and sheepishly she stared at her silver friend beside her. "
Can we go talk somewhere?"