Jasper Rocks a guilty conscience

@Jaysyek <3 Set at the burial site of Theodore and Prosper Lyall.

She could still hear it, sometimes. Not usually in her dreams, which is where she would have expected to find it, but very much in her waking-hours; the wind behind her would hiss, a woodpecker would tap... even the sound of rain could trigger it under the right circumstances. Instantly she would turn, and see the rustling leaves or the red-crowned bird or the storm clouds, and know, logically, that there was no snake. Sometimes, there was no obvious cause for the perceived sound at all, just a hint of a whisper caught by unguarded ears, and her breath would catch and she'd tense, just for a moment, just long enough for her rational core to take over and soothe her.

On those rare occasions where the sliver of movement in the corner of her eye was a serpent, though, Trisden's immediate reaction after fear was fury. The phobia was strong, but Trisden despised the weakness in herself, and her terror was easily transformed into bloodlust.

Even after all this time, though, she'd never actually encountered another actual rattlesnake. Many other species had fallen victim to her vengeance, but she'd never had to face that particular one. Trisden Lyall's attitude towards snakes was no secret in the Reach, but only a few really knew why, and she suspected that they dealt with unwelcome rattlesnakes before she had a chance to see them.

Pity was deeply unwanted, but she appreciated such actions, recognising them as signs of respect and love.

Nudging a paw through the grass, Trisden stared at the ground, having recognised the burial site easily. The water in the nearby pool trickled ever into the pool, the sound calming and repetitive, but she couldn't hear it, all she could hear was the rattle. Breathing deeply, she placed the paw firmly on the spot where her brother had been laid to rest, so young, too young.

Maybe if she prayed hard enough, right here, right where his bones were, he would finally hear and forgive her, and she could forgive herself.

Her dirty paws and furry coat

It was often she came here to this sacred spot. The reasons for it were solemn, but it was still a serene place that others didn't visit for they didn't know. It was here she could often expect to be alone, instead of wishing she wasn't. Often thought it would be here she would rest for eternity.

Padding quietly long the faint trail, she registered her eldest daughter's recent scent, and a frown tugged at her lips. It had been a long time ago when she had chosen this place by herself. It had been needed, and sadly necessary. At the time she could think of no other place, but here by the gentle song of the pool, and with the great rocks to protect her boys from being disturbed by the changing world. What hard times those days had been when she tried to hold her little ones close, and herself together after Borden had gotten himself too far from all of them. An airy breath, she was not surprised Trisden would take the time to visit. It meant just as much to her as it did Jayse. She worried what thoughts it placed upon her child for surely they were nothing light nor good.

Coming to stand beside her she let their coats entangle, draping her neck across the grey and tan of Tris. Why she wanted to speak, she was afraid her words would falter with pain and sadness. She wanted to remain a figure of comfort so instead she let the lull of the water play on hoping her daughter might confide in her.

A lynx has left behind the remains of a deer. +5 Health

<3 The fact that she's pregnant won't be a surprise, she'll have already shared it/have been smelling like it very shortly after returning.

Lost in quiet prayer, the words muttered low under her breath, she nevertheless heard the approach of soft footsteps. An ear flicked back to keep tabs on it, and her breathed words trailed off as her mind re-focused onto the presence of company. Faintly she bristled, not wanting to be disturbed, having craved this quiet, repentant moment to herself for years, just a moment exactly in this spot. But then she turned her head to the side just enough to see who had come, and that all dissolved away.

Exhaling, her throat tightened, and Trisden's eyes wandered back to her paws, imagining that they lay over Theo's heart. Toes kneading the ground, she said nothing as her mother approached, feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable; the woman had made it her purpose to leave weakness behind, to be strong enough such that her parents would see her worthy as the next head of the Lyall family despite her gender. Trisden was that rock, that pillar of confidence and decisiveness, a reliable and consistent wolf that others could depend upon. Trisden made it a big deal, and would not ordinarily have allowed herself to be anything else.

Trisden hadn't needed her mummy in years.

Holding back a wave of emotion through clenched jaws, the woman sucked in air haltingly as her mother laid her neck over her, a simple act of comfort which felt like a breath of desperate oxygen after drowning. Eyes closing tightly shut, she dropped her head, fighting it through sheer habit despite the fact that here, here she was safe. She sat like that for a time, unable to trust herself to speak lest she sob, and so it wasn't until she had a firm grasp on herself did she quietly say: "If I have a son, I'm going to name him after Theo."

(This post was last modified: Apr 13, 2016, 07:57 AM by Trisden.)

I am so lame :|

Her dirty paws and furry coat

It wasn't completely silent or Jayse would have broken it harshly. Nothing to the ears was a form of madness she didn't need nor very well care for. Despite not having been with Tris in some time, she could tell she was trying to keep it all back. It wasn't something she had always done, but had soon adapted. Jayse was familiar, often of the same method. Maintain, and control, once it let loose it was another story.

Brows gently pressed together, but she did not pry. No, she understood to a point, and it wasn't like there was any where else she rather be. It felt nice to be needed, loved.

It was evident @Trisden was to continue on with her own family when she had arrived at the Hollow. The hushed words confirmed that, among where her thoughts lie. A half smile broke across her cheek, she nuzzled her nose to her daughter's crown, standing side by side. "That would be a wonderful thing," she murmured, fond of the sentiment, and more grandchildren. Trisden had always made her proud, and like the rest had been inept about carrying on the family legacy. Somehow it seemed like it meant a lot more to her daughter.

She breathed a soft sigh. She had never asked this of her, but from that statement she had to know. "Have you forgiven yourself Tris?" After all this time, after only be a child who wanted to venture?

<33 There's no rush for this thread! @Jaysyek

Her mother was patient, silent, offering her comfort and support without needing to say a single word. As ever, Trisden marvelled at her, at her eternal calm and self-control, her ability to soothe by simply standing nearby. How desperately Trisden hoped she could emulate a fraction of that maternal power, for she could think of no better role model. The woman had always idolised her father's position and effortless authority, his drive, and perhaps had neglected to appreciate Jaysyek's quieter power until only more recently. After all, her mother was still here, of sound body and mind, the eternal rock of the family.

The soft approval made something tighten in Trisden's chest, a fierce pride that the idea pleased her mother, a confirmation that it was the right sentiment. Suddenly her desire for a son was magnified a hundredfold. She would have been content to sit there and enjoy her parent's company, but for the gentle question which cut right through to the heart of it, a blade expertly wielded to strike directly at where it hurt most. But it wasn't an angry pain, inflicted in malice; Trisden's eyes narrowed as she flinched at hearing it, but she managed to keep her breathing steady.

She'd been asking herself that for years. She could not lie. "In my head, I have."

Her dirty paws and furry coat

Being looked upon as a pillar of strength had never been a goal in her life. In her youth she had felt lucky she didn't break her own neck. All she had done was survive. Try to make it on her own, without her mother, brother or sister. Then she tried to find a place in a pack of strangers with little confidence of succeeding. She had never felt strong in that time. Even less when she had met Borden, and  struggled to be his friend. Their life had been anything but a breeze, and it didn't start any less. Fate had thrown some punches, some more frequent than needed, yet she got back up one right after the other. She was stronger for it, resilient. She had realized it long ago she was made of tougher stuff than she had thought. She liked to be imagine she was someone her children could look up to, realize there was always a reason to get back up. Even if she felt still fragile, apt to breaking by the tiniest blow these days.

Why she wished to reach for her child after inquiring of such a thing, she held back. Mismatched eyes upon her closely, trying to read behind that silver mask. It sounded simple those words that left Tris, but no doubt she had struggled with the very idea for years. "That's all you can do love," she nuzzled the side of her cheek for both their benefits.  In her condition there had to be more reason for her travel. Why Jayse was a little worried about what kind of suitor let Tris go in the first place, knowing her daughter the right man would have never kept her."I feel you are here for more."

Her mother's comforts were genuinely meant, Trisden knew, but if it forgiving herself had been as easy as hearing those words, she would not have struggled with it for so long. Her head was convinced, aware that her guilt was misplaced, unnecessary and unhelpful, but her heart still ached every time she remembered him, every time she glimpsed a serpent, every time she heard that terrible rattle.

Was that all she could do? Just resign herself to hurting irrationally despite ever trying to convince herself it was not a constructive use of effort? Maybe the pain was good. It reminded her not to make the same mistake again, after all. She held onto it in case forgetting about it let her negligence harm someone else.

Her ear twisted at the second set of words, a gentle coaxing into a different subject, and whether they were meant that way or not Trisden was grateful. "For Rook," she said simply, turning her head to meet @Jaysyeks gaze. "I wanted to see if he was able to look after you both like he promised. And after himself." She smiled, a wryly meant gesture, aware that her brother had achieved much but also managed to vastly complicate matters in the process. Sweet Rook, with a heart bigger than a mountain, but who lacked the restraint or wisdom to go with it. She shouldn't have let him go alone - but what was she supposed to do with the Reach, just abandon it? She had other brothers and sisters to look after than just him. "For you. I wanted to make sure he was looking after you, and to tell you my news." She shifted slightly, briefly and keenly aware of her abdomen, the smile broadening before it faltered. Her eyes dropped to the ground she had been obsessing over not moments ago, but then flashed back up to the mismatched eyes of the woman she loved most. "And for dad. I wanted to say goodbye."

Her dirty paws and furry coat

 It wasn't enough. Nothing would be. If she was going to let it rest it would have been. Unfortunately the past had a way of haunting, and holding on. Her heart, her daughter's heart would still hurt for Theo, for all of it. At least Trisden realized she shouldn't feel that way, that it wasn't her fault. That was something to the mother.

Living as if it never happened? No, Jayse could understand the need to hold onto it. The fact it wasn't something to will away. She could not forget about Prosper either. How in a single moment he had wandered away, and they had been unable to find him in time. How his death had set off a catastrophe of events. 

Sure it occurred to her maybe if she hadn't taken in Arlette or Theo she could have had her eyes on him. Maybe, there wouldn't have been grief. Borden would have stayed, and Tris wouldn't be carrying this hurt. But who would they be? What kind of family? Would they have hearts to care? To hurt? There was never a day she regretted taking them in, and having them as her own. She had long learned she could wish and pray for the past to different, but it didn't work that way. Where would she be if she had gotten what she wanted? Her mother's death had sent her here.

"Tris, I don't think it will ever leave your heart. There are things we all think we would change. These things we can't erase, and I hate how you carry it. If you do have a boy maybe you will be reminded. But you'll know how to keep him safe, and you won't take your time with him for granted. Peace comes and goes like sunshine so hold onto what you can." If there was any advice she wanted her to keep it would be that. Why the bad took up space in both heart and mind, so did the good. 

Rook, the baby of the family, it was understandable. Especially, when he had taken on a lot more than he should have. His heart full of hope, and want. Even now Jayse couldn't say how he was doing. If he was wondering if he had done the right thing, or was happy no matter he had come to the Lore. How this chapter of his life had turned out. She wasn't sure how to change that like many a thing these days. There was a knowing look there, understanding her need. She had always been one to watch over both siblings and pack mates. It was why she was such a good leader. "Rook, and Veho have made sure I have what I need. But...his life has its own grievances now. I sadly do not know how to help him either."

Jayse took in a slight breath, happy to hear for herself what was to come for her daughter because it brightened her soul. It seemed she had finally found the right man after all. She wished she could meet him, and could not help let her thoughts wonder to the others. Was Calla still there? Had Bishop returned? What of Aniu and Sibyl? Were they doing all right?

That amber gaze caught hers, and she could not tell what was suddenly wrong. Not until those words came out. Good bye. Jayse had not even done so, and the imagine of him was hard for her to think about. There were words in her throat she could not form them into nothing but a muffled whine as she leaned into her daughter's shoulder. 

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2016, 04:16 AM by Jaysyek.)