Red Fern Forest I am my own worst enemy

 @Sahalie set at dusk on 7/24

 

The four had been traveling since early morning, making good ground. But, the Lore was a big place and even with the good time they made there were still four of them which made their progress a bit slower than a lone wolf might be. As the sun began to set they’d managed to get themselves into the heart of the Red Fern forest, surrounded by towering trees. This was a place that Kino knew well, having spent a decent amount of time in it at one point. He estimated that, according to the direction they’d been given, they might make it to Hearthwood River by mid-morning the day after next. When they’d reached a suitable stopping area, Kino’d told them to set up their sleeping spots where they’d like them and, since they were in an unfamiliar spot, he’d take the first watch of the night.

While they bedded down, the silver yearling took the moment to go off and clear his head under the guise that he was going to hunt. It wasn’t a complete lie, he did plan on catching something to eat, but if he stayed around Lark for another moment he thought he might actually strain something. He just felt…tense around the man, and was particularly irked by his attitude. He couldn’t get the manipulative comment he’d made when they’d first gathered to head out, "She's put a lot of good faith in us for us to behave, and play nice. Wouldn't want to let her down, would we?", out of his head. At least, to him it had seemed manipulative. He felt like he was watching over his shoulder when they were together, and that feeling got taxing after a while.

And, of course, he was still bothered by Sahalie’s actions. She’d wanted him to be her advisor, hadn’t she? But, what did she need him for if she wasn’t going to listen to him anyways? Sure, he hadn’t said directly that he didn’t want her bringing him back, but he’d figured that what had happened between them would have said enough. Then, she hadn’t even had the nicety to tell him about it Larkspur or that he was coming. He’d given her his heart and trust on a silver platter, and it felt a lot like she was rejecting it. A frustrated sigh left his jaws as he walked, muscles in his jaw flexing. He just wanted to take his anger out on a good bone to chew.

Yep, she's really done it. Really done it. 

But Al wasn't like Sahalie when she was mad. When Alastor had attacked Lark she had dragged him away like a guilty toddler and scolded him. She was very upfront about how she felt. Alastor was never like this. He hid a lot of things—his name, being one of them, if that was any indication how he dealt with problems—and so of course when the white man appeared as a member of their little questing party the boy had glowered and bit his tongue and tried to swallow everything he felt. And he was mad, so mad—as mad as she had been at him—but he wouldn't say a word to her.

Wasn't this what she deserved, though? Sahalie had neglected avoided:

1. Telling Alastor that she had gotten Lark into the pack
2. That Lark was now coming with them

Yes, the list contained only two items. But these sins were among her most grievous. As the girl walked along with her packmates she said uncharacteristically little to Ruenna or Lark and nothing at all to Alastor. The gears were too busy turning, trying to justify herself, trying to put together some speech that would make everything okay again. Though the girl was not sure it was a good idea, she immediately left her two other friends at their makeshift campsite the moment the boy had torn away. Sahalie knew the area well and was not concerned about getting lost. She hoped only that Rue and Lark would stay put and that Lark would not be too cross about being.... Yeah, she realized it was pointless to come up with a reason: he was cross just about being.

Hastily, she trotted after her friend. Or, she hoped they were still friends. "This is where we met, isn't it?" It wasn't really a question so much as a statement to draw something out of the boy. She wanted to really gauge mood. "Or, somewhere close."

(This post was last modified: Jul 28, 2016, 01:52 AM by Sahalie.)

 

So lost in his thoughts and in his silent fuming as he was, he didn’t notice the Hal following him at all. That’s why, when she spoke, he froze immediately in his tracks, hackles rising in alarm and head turning with crinkled snout. Upon realizing it was her instead of, say, Larkspur, he relaxed but only just so. Turning forward again for a moment he held back a sigh, this time of exasperation. He couldn’t be alone, couldn’t be left alone for ten god damn minutes. No way to collect his thoughts, no way to think things through, and he’d found from experience that these moments were always the most dangerous. It was moments like these that made his spill his life to Sahalie, but it was also moments like these that nearly made him rip Lark to shreads.

"This is where we met, isn't it?" she said meekly, and he glanced around. Yes, they’d met in the Fern forest. It was vividly etched into his mind, but hell if he knew if they’d met right where they were standing. It had been so long ago, almost impossibly long to him. “Yeah, I guess it is,” he stated simply, turning to face his friend with carefully controlled emotions. He wasn’t going to blow up on her, he wasn’t.

listened to "If it Means a Lot to You" by A Day to Remember, thought it would be fitting. ALSO IDUNNO WHAT IS HAPPENING SHE MADE ME DO IT

All of the fur on his body rose and Sahalie wondered if she should not have followed him at all as she sank down to the ground. Somehow it felt like she handled Alastor the wrong way every time. That horrifying look on his face, it had never been directed at her, though it surprised her that the horror she felt was not as deep as it had been to see him bristling and snarling the very first time. Was she already getting used to the ugliness in the world? That scared her more than Alastor. Maybe. The sigh was like a blast of wind that could have blown all of the courage to address him right out of her small body.

At least he was talking to her, though as distantly as he could possibly be. How easy it would be for the girl to continue on this vein: to ignore all the problems infront and behind her to dip her paws into the nostalgia of her memories. Desperately she wished she could just talk to Alastor about how he had found her mad and confused, upset that her packmates had left Oak Tree Bend vulnerable in order to go on the exact same journey she was on now and how much this bothered her. Or how he had made everything alright again even if Anna was dead and Drift had vanished and she had no mother, how he had found her went her heart was close to turning. What a different wolf she might have been without him. 

But instead she had to be An Adult.

"Look," she said firmly, though her eyes were on the ground in front of her as she pushed herself back up, "I know you're mad at me, so don't lie or anything." Would he have? She couldn't know: this had never happened before. "And I know... I should apologize... I... I ..." Her tail lashed behind her, "But I won't apologize for taking Lark in. I'm not in the business of making enemies."

Shots fired.

The ferocity in her voice made her sick. What was happening? This wasn't an apology.

 

He’d scared her again, he could see that clearly as she pressed herself into the ground and he felt a dull, guilty thump in his chest. She’d just startled him, he’d never knowingly do that to her. No matter how angry Kino got, no matter the fury or the hurt he felt, he knew he could never physically harm her. He would sooner throw himself off a cliff than allow anything like that to happen. He wanted to move forward and help her up, apologize for frightening her but for some reason he remained rooted to the spot, unmoving and not saying much more than his simply reply. He was still mad about her actions he supposed, and no matter the little voice in the back of his head telling him to give up, Kino Lagina had never been one to simply back down. He was far too stubborn for that.

Suddenly, she was raising herself to her paws and there was firmness set in her jaws that made his auds flicker back for a moment. Of course he was due for another scolding, because obviously it wasn’t her fault. "I know you're mad at me, so don't lie or anything." she said, and the comment struck him forcefully in the chest. He winced. It was slight, but it was still there. Did she question him all the time now, distrust the words that came from his mouth? Could he blame her? No, he didn’t think he could.

Then, she was even more firm than before, insisting that she wasn’t sorry at all for inviting Lark in. His jaw set, but he made no move except for a small shake of his head. “I know you won’t, it’s why it’s pointless to say anything. You’ve gotta be everyone’s Sun if they’re having a cloudy day, I got it,” he said, calm in a way that wasn’t quite cold but certainly wasn’t warm either. Was this how they were now? Always fighting? He didn’t think he liked it.

There are several fresh rabbit tracks in the mud. Hunt Opportunity

actual screaming

Suddenly she was realizing that this was why she had been avoiding him all along. She had known without really knowing that this would be her response: a fight, a freaking fight. She wouldn't believe it were true if it weren't happening before her eyes. Even if they two children had patched things up after their spat over Larkspur, they hadn't patched everything. There was still a great big hole where the northbound man was concerned, because at the end of the day the two of them did not see eye to eye on how to handle loners, and Sahalie was afraid of dealing with that. The unbelievable guilt at going behind her friends back was constantly shadowed by a frustration that she had to at all: at the end of the day, helping out those who were in need was the right thing to do. But Alastor didn't get that. 

But she was still sorry for hiding it, she truly was. And her mouth was open, ready to tell him as much, when Al made the whole "sun" comment. Her mouth closed into a tight pout, though inside she felt like there was some internal organ bleeding freely. Looking back at him now, her eyes narrowed. "It's all just some big joke to you," tossing her muzzle at him flippantly, "Me being some fairy princess girl of sunshine and flowers. Helping the needy and blahblahblah," Oh he had really done it now.

"It's just a big joke to everyone. So its fine if you don't want to take me seriously. Whatever." There was that word "fine" again. "I came here to do the right thing and apologize to you about the whole Lark thing. But like, should I even do that?" A bubble of exasperated laughter escaped her mouth, "It'd just be so sunshine of me to do that. To apologize and try to make your storm cloud go away or whatever. I'd just be fitting in to this dumb idea that you and everyone else have about me." Her chest heaved.

"It's like it's only convenient to any of you when my helpful nature is in your favor. It's fine when I forgive you but not anyone else. Well that's just not how I work! That's not gunna be how this works!" And by "this" she was referring to their unofficial partnership. 

 

His comment, it seemed, officially set off the hopping mad anger of his friend. She was so offended by it, but she’d missed his point. He hadn’t been making fun of her, but he knew how she was. As long as he’d known Sahalie Tainn he’d never known her to turn away any wolf, no matter the character and she didn’t understand how bad that was. That not everyone was good, that not everyone, as many times as he’d had to reiterate it, could be saved. He’d hate to see her hurt one day because of her blissful ignorance, but if she continued on her current path that was exactly where she was headed.

“I’m not making a joke out of you! You’re getting so angry, but do you realize that you’re the one who wanted that? When we agreed to this you said you wanted to save everyone, to be their saving grace and their hope and I thought it was a good idea because I’d been one of those saved. But, Hal, you still don’t realize that not everyone is good. Lark isn’t good, he’s holding a grudge against me and he’s using you to get at me!” he said in much the same exasperation that she did. “You’re gonna get hurt one day, and I don’t want that. You’re so good, so innocent, and wolves take advantage of that. They envy it and they will strip it away.” he’d been introduced to that world already, and it was a cold one. It was harsh and unforgiving, and something that no one should be subjected to. “But you don’t want to see that. You’re happy to have your band of misfits that you collect, that you take in and douse in your holy water and when you think they’re whole enough you go out and find others. Saving someone isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes wolves are too far gone for that.”

She could barely see him, her eyes were just golden slits. She had asked to "be the sun," of course, but she hadn't asked for that to be used against her, regardless if it "wasn't a joke," it still was not a genuine comment. Whenever Sahalie and Al had a disagreement it always, always, always, came down to the same thing: Al saying that she couldn't save everyone. He hadn't said it yet but she knew it was coming—yep, and there it was. Her tail started to rise above her back as she wondered how he could pretend he was supporting her when his perspective undermined everything she stood for. How could he help her lead the pack she wanted if this fundamental difference got them to places like this: angry, confused, all over some snappy loner.

"And you're holding a grudge against him! Just listen to you!" She paused, staring at him open mouthed and incredulous, "It's ridiculous! What makes you any better than him, if that's the problem you have with him? I'm not a tool Al. He's not manipulating me." Depending on the definition of "manipulation." "He said he wanted to go as far north as he could and I wanted to help him. I give him my help freely. What's he gunna do to me? Hurt me? No! We'll probably reach the Kingswood and he'll be on his merry way and out of our fur."

"Would I be angry that I helped him and gave him food and medicine and protection for him to leave? No. Because I don't expect anything from him. I just want to help." All this talk of using and being taken advantage of made her feel ill. Everyone looked at her and saw this little girl, someone with some bottom to her seemingly endless lake of affection. "I never said I wanted to remain innocent. That won't help me at all. I'm not afraid of the bad things in the world. How can I help anyone if I can't understand?"

"I just wish you'd believe me. You. I believe in everyone else and no one believes in me. They all think I'll get broken and burned out. All I want is just one wolf to believe in me." With a frustrated swipe of her paw the girl tried to brush away the first of the many fat tears rolling from her eyes, she didn't want to cry now, "I know no one owes me anything but that's all I want."

 

This was why he didn’t usually say anything, kept his emotions and thoughts sealed away in a chest because they somehow always got him chewed out. He was tired to put it simply, tired of all the emotional crap, tired of being yelled at for the things he thought. He didn’t feel enough, but oh no now he felt too much. He wondered how it was possible for someone to feel nothing and everything at the same time, but it seemed he managed to do just that very well. He listened to her yell, and accuse, and pout, a small fire building in his gut. If she already knew that he was going to be on his merry way why even have his join the bend in the first place? He wasn’t sad at all by the reveal, but instead he was more confused. But the workings of Sahalie’s mind always seemed to be an enigma to him.

“I’m not any better than him, and maybe that’s what sucks Hal. Maybe it’s the fact that you see everyone so equal in your eyes that even a man who growled and snarled and insulted you and me can be on the same level as a wolf that has been around for you for the past seven months,” he said, his frown deepening. He knew how he sounded. Jealous. And he wouldn’t admit it, but perhaps he was. But it wasn’t just the one incident that had brought out this feeling in him, but truly it was the utopia that was Sahalie Tainn. A wolf in which every wolf was equal and lived in harmony, but to Kino Lagina she was the thing in which his world revolved. Maybe that was what made him so bitter about the whole situation. Then, she played the guilt card and nobody believing in her and he stared at her. Hard.

“You don’t think I believe in you? Hal, there is no one on this god damn earth that I believe in more. You’re the only one who knows about…me. You’re the only one who has accepted me so wholly, who has even taken a second to really give me the time of day without making me feel like a waste of space. I know you can and will do so many amazing things, but I just…I worry about you. I’m an asshole and I worry about you all the time and I can’t help it and I’m sorry.” Another sigh, one of millions lately it seemed, escaped his jaws and he paused, brows creasing. A step forward, maw lowering and nose prodding in an attempt to wipe away some of her crocodile tears. “I’m sorry, okay. I’m not sorry about him…but I’m sorry about this.”