Oak Tree Bend black as silver

For @Serach. Set before the pack meeting but after Serach/Triell so reply at your leisure <3

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

He had lived too long to ask, 'how did it come to this?'. He had seen too much to be surprised. He had lived long enough to know that shit happens.

But no matter how long you've lived, it still hurts. It still confuses even if you can't claim to be surprised by the heavens falling down on your head. Like glass shattering when shot Oak Tree Bend had fallen to splinters, each piece painfully lodged in his heart, and as he stared at the frozen brook he wondered why. He wondered how. It was a whisper, not a shout, setting off an avalanche to bury them all.

He laid on his side, long legs stretched out, and stared down the length of his nose. It was snowing, heavy flakes falling to blanket them and obscure all traces of those who had left. It formed a blanket over him, whitening the darker tips of his guard hairs, and as he watched it fall he thought of—well, everything. Of sitting next to Corinna, trying to console her in her grief when Indru had abandoned her and Rhysis and Naira had betrayed them. Of sitting next to Triell, looking at the scorched remains of his old pack den, where his parents had died in the fire. Of kissing Rissa's mangled face goodbye. Of sitting next to Corinna and urging her to move. Of Aiyana telling them she was leaving, to live with Borden. Of.. of Triell, telling him Marsh was dead.

"I miss you," he said quietly to the snowfall. Marsh had never met his sons. Marsh had never got to patrol these borders. Marsh, loyal until the very end, had died for them, had died for Triell, and.. and look where it had gotten them. Look where it had gotten Triell. He had led Ice's pack, he had been given children by Ice's pack, and now.. he turned his back on all of that. Winter was worsening day by day and Ice found himself abandoned in a pack with three adults (and one of them old as dirt), two near-adults, and one child.

Corinna had died in the winter. Didn't Triell remember that?

Ice let out a shuddering sigh. The white cloud drifted upwards, and dissipated among the snowflakes. He could pity himself later. He had a pack to hold together. A pack to feed.

And a son to console. Snow fell to the ground as the ghost heaved himself up, and shook it out of his thick fur. Leaving prints that would last no more than an hour he set off, tracking Serach's scent and occasionally letting out low howls for him. History, and its endless cycles of repeats, was cruel.

until the ice breaks.

I think this makes most sense to happen after Serach realizes that Triell is no longer in OTB.

Leaving his rendition of fightclub behind him, Serach had taken to the forest. Driven by a desperate desire to keep moving, he was a silent ghost slipping in and out between the trees. A part of him was still searching for the disgraced Tainn, despite the rational part of his brain telling him that it was useless. They were long gone by the time he had given up the wait on the snowcovered rise, and chasing after them was not a viable option. What then? Rip Naira's decrepit throat out in front of her two children? Beat Triell to a bloody pulp and leave him to die? Throw Leotie off a cliff for her insolence? No stupid, just let them go, his brain screamed. Skidding to a halt, he slipped in the snow. Falling forward, his nose met the cold ground with a crunch. You wouldn't be able to kill them even if you tried, he brain taunted as he laid there with his rump in the air. Resigned, he let the rest of his body fall to the ground. He was angry to be sure, but who he was had not fundamentally changed and the closest he would ever get to physically taking his rage out had been left behind him on the rise.

Serach was not allowed to lay in a heap in the snow for long, however. Ears flicking at the still only somewhat familiar voice of Ice, he lifted his head from the ground and looked around. He didn't see his father anywhere, but that didn't mean much - the older Aesir blended into the winter surroundings even more than Serach did. Parting his own lips, he called back. He was here, and he was coming. Rousing himself from the place he had fallen, he shook the snowflakes from his coat before loping towards the direction the sound had come from. What would Ice think of all that had transpired? How stupid must he think Serach was for not having had even the slightest inkling that something so catastrophic was possible and waiting just under the surface.

"Dad?" He called, the larger wolf finally in his sights. "Triell's gone. Spieden too." He'd been at the aftermath of the fight, Serach vaguely remembered, but did he know about the others?

(This post was last modified: Dec 29, 2016, 05:06 PM by Serach.)

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

Ice had lived through breaking before. He knew the throb in his heart would fade to a dull ache, and then, be nothing but a memory, another scar. He knew there was light at the end of everything, better days, hope and dreams, stability even, but at the time, everything was bleak, as if every color had been sucked out of the world. It was oddly fitting that it was winter, too, a whiteout world, as if the snow could somehow hide the heartache.

It couldn't hide what lived within them—within him—though. The snow melted on his face as he tracked through the forest. When Indru had disappeared, things had been relatively easy. He could just hate the man with little remorse, and blame everything on him, because he had just upped and left with two of his kids, and it hadn't been the first time, either. But Triell..? The anger came, the anger went, it ebbed and flowed like the tide, always mingled with the pain of loss and love. Sometimes, he wanted to hate Triell. At other times, he could not fault him for anything he had done. Aponi had wanted the chance to lead with Serach—how was that different from Triell leaving with Naira? What would Serach have done, had Triell and Naira challenged for leadership instead? Left the pack? Beaten himself bloody against the elder male?

Reason couldn't numb pain, though. His heart was heavy and aching when Serach's answering call found him, and was so too when the wolf himself arrived.

"Dad?" The weight in his heart grew heavier; he was needed here. He had to be here. He couldn't abandon them again. He couldn't leave them as recklessly as Triell had, no matter how much his heart wanted to follow him to the other side of the mountains. Serach needed him now, and for as long as he did, Ice would remain. "Triell's gone. Spieden too."

How quickly things could change.. like over a few days, when one daughter of the pack returns alone—or when everything crumbles like a castle of dust. "I know," he said quietly, greeting his son with a gentle kiss to his forehead. Perhaps now was not the time to be leader and subordinate; perhaps now was the time to be son and father. "But I'm not going anywhere." As if he could save the world.

As if he mattered.

until the ice breaks.

(This post was last modified: Jan 03, 2017, 10:55 PM by Ice.)

let the stars above shine in your soul

There was no shock in Ice's face or in the way he held himself. The great white wolf greeted Serach with a caress and Serach leaned into it greedily. Head buried in the scruff, he breathed in deep as he tried to steady himself. There was no mistaking the scent of Triell in the white ruff, and Serach's nose twitched as his body shook with waves of anguish. Furious as he was, the man would have given almost anything to have been able to say goodbye no matter how heated it might have been. A few short weeks ago, Serach had stood at the pack's borders and been Ice's link to his past life. Their roles were reversed now, and Serach clung to Ice as though to a lifeline. How cruel was fate, to deliver Ice and Lena from a life Serach had long mourned and set aside only to snatch in an instance the life that he had grown up knowing?

It was all too much, and even the weight behind Ice's promise to remain was not enough to keep him supported. Falling backwards, the Bend leader fell onto his pale haunches into the snow. Shoulders sagging, he took several ragged breaths. How had it possibly come to this? How had he been so wrong? "He didn't even say goodbye...," he choked out after he had swallowed enough air to be able to speak again. "I don't understand what happened or why. There was no warning - I thought things were fine." He shook his head before lifting his gaze to look his father in the face, hoping for some kind of explanation. The irony was not lost on Serach either; Triell had been his stand-in father when Ice had left him and never in his wildest dreams had he expected to be looking to Ice for support when Triell did the same.

Sorry for the wait! Does Serach know Aponi is Naira's daughter? If not, will his timeline get screwed over if Ice tells him?

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

Beyond the touch of a nose to the scruff, the cheeks, the forehead, Ice knew little of comfort. Words were fickle, and the ones he had spoken to a heart-broken Corinna had nearly led to things Ice hadn't thought of, but even if it had led to that.. would things have been so different? If Indru had returned and found that Corinna had moved on, for the sake of the pack, would he have left again, and spared them the pain? Or would he simply have fought Ice, and claimed the children as his own, if they were still unborn, or young enough to be fooled? Ice had no way of knowing, and it was a pointless thing to think about. Things had played out as they did, and here they were, on the other side of the mountain. He closed his eyes. Embraces were all good and well, but sometimes, you needed words too.

This seemed to be one of those times, as Serach slid backwards, away from him. His pale rump connected with the snow and Ice opened his eyes again. It was as if somebody had stolen the fire right out of him, and left him a husk. Pale brows drew together in consternation and Ice shuffled around to sit down next to his beaten son. What do you say to someone, whose entire world has come crashing down? They won't come back. He didn't know about Spieden, but Triell and Naira had left for good—at least, for as long as Naira lived. There was nothing to hold out for. There was nothing to wait for. There was no Indru, going to come back. Not from this, not from something as simple as moving across the mountain, to found a pack, safe from the child you feared. Letting out a low sigh, white breath smoking into the air, Ice leaned against Serach. Did he know?

The silence stretched. Ice both minded and did not mind. It was nice to not have to search for words, but if he waited for Serach to speak.. he might as well wait forever, the way it seemed, ragged breaths breaking the stillness of winter. Then, "He didn't even say goodbye..." What? he wanted to ask, unable to deny the surprise; Triell had left without a word? After all he had done for the pack, and all he did to it now, he didn't even seek Serach out, and say goodbye? He blinked his silver eyes, and let out another sigh. Triell knew what it was like to be abandoned without a word. Why would he do it to Serach? Why—?

Old habits died hard, and he found himself blaming Naira for it, like so much else he heaped on her poor, aging shoulders.

"I don't know why these things happen," he said quietly after a moment. The snow muted most sounds. He preferred it that way—just him and his son and the vast, lonely forest. "I don't know what happened to Spieden's head after the fight, but she clearly wasn't alright. That others chose to follow her.. well, I didn't know them as well as you did." Slowly, he canted his head to the side, aiming to plant another kiss at Serach's ear. "Naira was afraid, and after all these years apart.. Triell would do anything for her. But that he didn't even say goodbye..."

As they grew up, had they ever heard stories of Swift River, of the Tainn family, the demise of the Hidden Tree pack? Of how Indru left the Grove several times? How the Tainns split, into Copper Rock Creek? Of Naira, and Rhysis? "I thought things were fine, too, a long time ago. Indru had disappeared, which broke Corinna's heart, only to return again a few months later. As summer approached, three healthy cubs were born into Swift River—they were Torrel, Aiyana, and Rissa. Things were great, but then.. one day we realized Indru had left in the dead of night, taking young Torrel and the yearling Rihael with him. No goodbye, no nothing, no explanations. He never returned, and even if he had.. I don't know if Corinna would've forgiven him." The only way Ice would've, was if Corinna had, and told him to. His gaze dropped to their paws. "I still don't understand it. He had everything—a mate so loyal, healthy children, a thriving pack, at least two steadfast guardians who would die for them.. and yet he left, just like that. Triell, however..." The image was blurred in his mind. Ice and Triell, in front of the charred remains of The Hidden Tree, the northern lights far above... "Naira's afraid of Aponi, and what Aponi would do to her. She saw no future for her here, not one free of fear anyway. I don't understand it, but there you have it. She was afraid and she left and Triell, naturally, followed, because.. because he loves her, and he missed the Wildwood." He could go on. He could recite the entire conversation they had, about everything Naira had been through, how she saw Rhysis in Aponi, how she said Triell had wanted his own thing, and how Triell had said he'd be thought of less either way, no matter when he left. He didn't say any more, though. Not now. Well, except for one thing. "You'd think they could've at least stayed to explain themselves to you." This conversation wasn't so much for his sake, as it was for Serach's, so his silver eyes searched his son's face, waiting for questions, judgment, confusion, anything—something to respond to.

until the ice breaks.

let the stars above shine in your soul

No worries! And yes, Serach would have found out a few days ago (IC) when he met with Aponi after the rank challenge. He's still processing though.

There was some comfort in the soft nuzzles, as the pale fur of the father met the pale fur of the son. Leaning into the larger body, Serach numbly wondered how he would have begun to cope if Ice had not been there. If he had arrived a few months later, or not at all. Just an hour ago, the Bend leader had been fighting shadows on a snowy hillside. He shuddered, all too aware of what would have happened if some other unsuspecting soul had crossed his path. He had never considered himself a beast - he had no feelings of bloodlust besides those he felt during hunts - but ever since Spieden had looked up at him with panicked eyes and a bleeding muzzle, he had begun to wonder if there was some kind of monster lurking within that the others had seen, but were only now choosing to respond to.

Pale ears perking, Serach listened hopefully for the magic answer that would resolve this for him and let him to close the book on a very painful event in life and move on. But while Ice's tone was comforting, the words were not and the younger man found himself looking down at his paws as he nudged the snow in aimless frustration. No, he wanted to respond. He did not know them better than Ice, or if he did, he had been blind the whole time. Leaning in, he gratefully accepted the kiss to his ear, although he could not help but twist his head and look at Ice in confusion at the next sentence. Naira was afraid. Brow furrowing, he silently voiced his confusion. What was there to be afraid of?

When his mother was still alive, she had shared some of the stories of Swift River with her two youngest sons. It wasn't a topic that could have been avoided, given Kisla and Fenru's obviously different parentage and the younger boys' curiosity. The details had been left aside, but Serach found himself nodding along in silent agreement as the familiar story was told - essentially the story of how the Bend came to be. What he had never heard was how Ice had felt about it, but the parallel his father was trying to tell him was lost on Serach because all he could think was, Did Triell not have those things here?

And then that word popped up again and once again Serach found himself looking at Ice with a confused expression on his face, which was matched by his tone when he asked of Ice, "What the hell is she afraid of? Aponi's never hurt her - she's certainly never hurt Reiko or Treyah, either. I certainly never hurt them; I helped to feed them when Triell couldn't walk and stayed outside their den to keep watch." Truth be told, he was still coming to terms with the fact that Naira was Aponi's mother, a fact that had been kept explicitly hidden from him. "It's just mindblowing to me, dad. Last spring when Drestig and Jessie wanted to relocate the pack, Naira joined me in defending keeping the pack here. Triell did too, sort of. Why would she do that if she didn't feel safe here? If Triell missed the Wildwood so much, why didn't he support moving the pack back then, before he was injured and he had two new pups to feed?" He didn't know if he was expecting answers, nor could he expect Ice to deliver any to him, but he had not yet left the stage of grief behind where all he could wonder was why.

"Does Triell not love Sahalie too? Or me?" It wasn't a fair comparison, he knew, he was not Triell's son and in many ways the father-son relationship that Serach felt they had had was a one-sided feeling, but it seemed like bullshit to him that Triell got a pass because of love. "He's a coward. They both are. He had time to tell Leotie they were leaving and invite her to go with him, but he didn't have time to tell me? It's because he knows he's running away from nothing but his own demons, and there's nowhere he can run from those." Had he not told Drestig the same thing wayback when? "Aponi told me that her mother has always run when things got difficult. I don't think she was as surprised as I was."

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

Life was never as simple as Ice wanted it to be, and it became painfully obvious once again. In his little snowglobe, rivers could run upstream, and the gentle passage of time was just—that, the passing of time, taking the edge off of the pain. Part of him only shrugged, said shit happens, life goes on and adapted. Part of him kept wondering why, year in and year out, and sometimes he found it strange that both sides resided within the same soul. How could you both just roll with it, and question it, forever? Questions with no answers, and he hated them.

But the simplicity he yearned for, and yet was incapable of, eluded him. Serach sounded more like he'd been rubbed raw with sandpaper than comforted, and Ice couldn't help but kick himself. If he'd been there for them.. if he'd been there when they were young, maybe he would've learned how to comfort others with words, and not just with gestures, presence... There were things here he did not know, holes blown like gaps in his knowledge, and he wondered if what he could piece together would be enough for Serach's peace of mind. And through it all, it kept burning in his mind, that one question: why. Not why Triell left—perhaps he couldn't explain it properly to his son, but in his heart he understood the dark Tainn—but why Triell had left without saying goodbye. He frowned.

The words ended, and Ice mulled over them in silence. He had learned how to brood at some point, but he wasn't sure he was very good at it. And what do you say, anyway? Yeah, I know, but Oak Tree Bend was never his? Naira's a bit delusional and like Spieden and Spieden left? He sighed. Maybe. Maybe all those things, all those little thoughts flitting about his head, and all the shadows hanging heavy in his heart.

"I know," he said quietly after a moment, joining his son in pawing idly at the snow. "When Naira became pregnant in Swift River, she ran. When her brother took her child, she ran. When she came back and someone else had claimed them, she ran. When the winter made the mountain harsh, she ran. When her mate was killed, she ran. And then she came here, and.. she felt safe with Spieden, stayed because of Spieden, and when Spieden left, I.. I don't know, Serach. She said that Aponi didn't like her 'and made no secret of it', and that she wouldn't stay here with that hanging over her, afraid of getting thrown out in the dead of winter, or something. I don't know more than she told me."

Triell and the Wildwood was another matter, though. "Oak Tree Bend is yours. Oak Tree Bend was always meant to be yours, and Sceral's. Triell, Reiko, Treyah—did they have a future here? When I left, Triell picked up the pieces and tried to keep them together, but was it ever his..? Was it ever his future? If he hadn't been injured in that accident, would you have left with Aponi to establish your own pack, or would you have challenged him to take it? And he left because of me," and that was the part that hurt. "Because I came back. He knew I'd have your back, so with Spieden leaving and Naira wanting to go.. of course he went, because now he could."

Then, he scowled. "It doesn't excuse him for not saying goodbye to you, though. I'm.. really disappointed that he didn't," and coming from Ice, who loved Triell and had always loved Triell, it was a harsh judgment. He sighed, for what felt like the thousandth time that day, and the worst part of it was that it wasn't even remotely close to being the last sigh of the day. "Naira's loyalty wasn't the only Spieden commanded, though. Sahalie, Larkspur.. I'm—I'm not defending Triell and Naira, but they are the only ones whose motives I might be able to even remotely explain."

until the ice breaks.

let the stars above shine in your soul

I'm really sorry for letting this sit for so long <3

Serach's heart was hurting now more than it had since he was a child, and he didn't know how to cope or even begin to understand how he could move past this. He had felt loss before, and had learned that in time, things would slowly begin to heal themselves. But he had never been betrayed before, and he could not even begin to grasp how he would start the recovery process. Just a few nights ago, he had arrogantly said, “Fuck ‘em”, but that had only been a heat of the moment coping mechanism. He couldn’t maintain that level of arrogance forever, at least not without changing who he was fundamentally. Exhaling deeply, he leaned into Ice’s shoulder for support once more, not minding the silence as his father attempted to brood through Serach’s futile questions. There was a slim, child-like part of him that hoped desperately that Ice could make it okay, but the larger part of him knew that any answers Ice would give would only serve as bandaids to the wounds that truly needed stitches to heal.

He listened quietly and intently as Ice spoke, his eyebrows expressing his surprise and disdain at the correct moments as he tried to process everything. He had learned at the meeting when Drestig and Jessie had left that Naira had known his mother, but he had never had the opportunity to ask her more about it. Now it seemed he was better off, and it only made his heart hardened even more. Aponi had been right, Naira did run from everything. As for the rest, well, Serach was growing numb, and it wasn’t from the winter winds picking their way through the thick layer of fur that covered his body.

Serach’s chest expanded and contracted, his breath rising as a light silver cloud in the air as he joined the older wolf in yet another sigh. He didn’t even know how to begin with responding to everything Ice had told him, so he decided to just start with his immediate reaction. ”Thank you,” he said quietly. ”For telling me all of this. Even if their reasons are bullshit, I think it would have killed me to not know why they left at all.” It might have been exaggeration, but in many respects it wasn’t. There was a part of him that used to grow warm when it thought of Triell, and now there was nothing there but hot anger and the stirring embers of cold indifference.

”Aponi’s not the only one who hated Naira, in fact I think Triell might be the only one who truly liked her. Sahalie didn’t like her either. But either way, it’s absurd. She’s doing more to harm Reiko and Treyah by running away in the middle of winter all her own than Aponi or I would have ever done to them. What does that even mean, anyway? Since when are we monsters? I stood outside her den and watched out for her when she gave birth, same with Spieden. If I’d wanted their children dead, I would have done it a long time ago.” He scowled, a roar of injustice screaming in his chest. That was the most absurd part about the whole thing.

”As for the rest, well…. I don’t know. It’s funny. I offered the leadership back to Triell, or at least asked him if he wanted it back, not too long ago. He said no, said he didn’t want the burden anymore. Apparently he lied.” That part stung, and Serach could not help but look at every interaction the pair had once had together with suspicion. ”It isn’t my fault that Triell never felt like Oak Tree Bend was his. I wouldn’t have challenged him for it. I didn’t challenge him for it - I’m only leading because he hurt himself in a hunt and said he didn’t want it back. And it’s bullshit, you know,” he turned to look at Ice now, his face bunched up in a scowl. ”What does that even mean, did they have a future here? Of course they did. It’s not like I was going to throw them out at any point. I’ve never felt entitled to the Bend, ever. Everybody keeps saying that it belonged to Sceral and I, but it never felt that way to us, nor should it. Reiko and Treyah would have had whatever future here that they made for themselves - it wasn’t going to be handed to them on a silver platter. Were Sceral and I supposed to share it? Why’d Triell keep having more litters if he didn’t think his children had a future here? If that was his argument for leaving, then good riddance to them all.” There was more venom in his voice than he was feeling, but he was simply trying to cope and process the argument that he had never been able to understand. It was hard to listen to others attribute to you an entitlement he had never felt. As for the unanswered question as to what he would have done if he and Aponi had wanted to start a family of their own if they had not been leaders, well, it was a non-issue in Serach’s mind. Afterall, Triell and Spieden hadn’t kicked Aponi out the previous year for being pregnant, why would the next have been any different?

”As for loyalty, well, it’s funny that everybody seems to focused on the Bend belonging to Sceral and me. Sahalie is more of a leader than I’ll ever be. Even as a juvenile, she would have wolves following her back to the Bend. Alastor and Larkspur, they were only ever here because Sahalie found them and convinced her father and Spieden to take her in. As for why she left, well….Spieden was her mother in almost every sense of the word. Spieden didn’t give birth to Sahalie and Drift, but she raised them. I guess when Sahalie saw Spieden breakdown, she thought it was her only choice. At least, that’s what she told me.” The anger he had felt towards Sahalie burned lower now, increasingly replaced with regret and grief. ”She would have wanted the Bend eventually. Do you think Triell and Naira still would have run if it had been Sahalie instead of Aponi?” Was one sister preferred to the other? He wouldn’t have doubted if that were true.

”It’s hard to not think it was all a lie now,” he said after a moment of silence, his voice calmer and more reserved than it was a moment before. ”My relationship with Triell that is. I guess I never looked at Triell as a standin for you, so it hurts that he thinks he could just leave now that you’re back.” Triell had taken on the father’s role in Serach’s life, but it hurt deeply to know that in Triell’s mind, he had just been babysitting and ready to hand the emotional bond that had grown between the pair over to Ice. Selfish as it might have been, Serach had wanted a relationship with both.

No worries. ^^ Emotional rollercoaster thread.

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

And after everything he had said, he was still not able to fix things. His words were fragile things, not strong enough to hold on in the storm. He felt them shatter at their feet, useless little things that only reflected light, but never truth, never was a light. Serach was warm against his side as the silence lengthened, full of heavy things Ice had no name for, and wasn't sure he wanted to name.

Never before had he felt so worthless. Never before had he felt so incapable. Youth had dulled his mind to a point where he only saw action, where he saw possibilities and ways out, but now, old age had sharpened it in a way so that he only saw the futility of everything, the hopelessness, the helplessness. It burned in his heart as Serach began to speak, tiny cracks and fissures until he wondered if he would ever be able to reconcile these two parts of his life.

He listened. He made no move to move, or to speak, nothing except his steady breathing, the slow clip of his ears, and his eyes watched different part of Serach's face as his son spoke. The eyes, the ears, the lips, the nose—it hurt to have him denounce someone Ice had loved for very long. It hurt to not have peace in all this, but then again, how could they ever..? This might not have gone as he wanted, not in any way at all, but he would never hold that against Serach. Maybe only against himself, for not finding better words, good words, words to fully explain the situation, and his own odd peace with it—words that could fix the hole left in Serach. The venom in the younger wolf's voice cut Ice to the core.

When Serach fell silent, Ice remained silent, too. His gaze had dropped from his son's face and to the snow. So often it was used to describe innocence, and purity.. so what did it mean that it lay turned over here, broken and battered where they had stepped on it, or pawed at it just to give release to frustrations? Snow was cold and merciless, just like the stars. He wanted to sigh, and say, I'm not sure I will ever be able to explain, but that wouldn't help Serach and.. and, he guessed, this was about him.

"I never really got to know Sahalie well," he said after a moment, and his ears fell back. The silence stretched as words eluded him. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? "I.. I think they didn't think it through very well. Naira.. I liked her, then I hated her so hard I practically caught fire each time I saw her, and then—I'm tired of hating. Her, Indru, myself... I've spent my life hating and it takes so much out of me. I'm not sure she's got her head on right anymore, but she was certain the only way out of this was to leave, and take Triell with her." He closed his eyes, and slammed a paw down onto the snow. "Everything fell apart like a startled flock of birds. Everyone lost their sanity in a flash and I'm still not sure I'm sane yet."

He opened his eyes. Braced. Looked at Serach, at all his hurt, remembering his venom, as if to replace the blood lost. Quietly, he asked the thing that had begun to burn in his mind. "Will you think less of me, if I do not find it in my heart to truly think less of Triell? He hurt me, yes, and twice over, but..."

He hadn't gone all this way to give up, and let go.

until the ice breaks.

let the stars above shine in your soul

It was hard to sit in silence, when everything inside of Serach wanted to scream out and proclaim the injustice he was feeling. But he hadn't done anything else but that in days, and his voice was growing hoarse. It was exhausting, physically and emotionally, and he was tired of screaming to try and find relief. It also just felt so futile and pointless. When his mother had died, Serach had done something similar, except that he had been able to have the luxury of disappearing into the solace of the silence. He had done the same when Sceral had gone missing too. So the temptation to give in and simply retreat was almost irresistible now, except for the fact that he didn't have that same luxury. If he retreated like the others had done, there would be no Oak Tree Bend whenever he was able to pull himself out of his melancholy. It also meant he needed to pull himself together, even if he was still hurting and raw on the inside.

His father spoke, and Serach pulled his eyes up from the snow and to the side to look at the older wolf in his perisperhal vision. He didn't expect answers from the man, no matter how desperately he wanted them. It was enough to simply know that somebody else was feeling the same pain he was. Tilting his head to the side, he pressed the top of his head to his father's shoulder. And there he stayed, listening to his father admit something that Serach was already learning - it was hard to hate. It was yet another unfair consequence of the fallout, that those who were hurting the most were also the ones most likely to carry the burden of hate. It was cruel that those who had left were free from that pain; all they had to feel was guilt and Serach doubted very much if there was much of that in either Triell or Spieden's party.

Pulling back, the young leader sat up straight once more, the cold wind whipping away the warmth that had built up on the top of his head and ears. Meeting Ice's eyes, he felt a pang that was already ringing hollow by the time the question had finished being asked. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth as he tried to formulate a response. Yes, he would think less of Ice, but only because Serach didn't know if he had it in him to forgive. "I don't know," is what eventually emerged, although there was a distinct lack of conviction in his tone. "I want everyone to hate him - hate them all, really, because they've been selfish beyond all comprehension. But how is it fair that we have the burden of both cleaning up after their mess and living with the hate? It's exhausting....but they deserve the hate - they certainly don't deserve our forgiveness." It would be a cold day in hell indeed if Serach ever considered it for himself, but Ice's question had reminded him that it was not all about him. "I can't think less of you for not wanting to hate Triell, even though I wish you would. But my relationship with Triell was different than yours...and so I hope you can't fault me for mine." Even if Ice did, even if all the years of experience told him differently, Serach didn't want to hear it. Not right now, and only time would tell if he ever wanted to hear it at all.