Grizzly Hollow the fire is slowly dying

For @Deacon only.
Random Event: The stars are unusually bright tonight. Maybe because it's also unusually cold.. brr.

It wasn't too often that Nineva was out and about at night. Normally, she was snuggled in between @Tomen and Deacon, warm and fast asleep. Her schedule was pretty set, but sometimes the night was too beautiful and her thoughts too insistent for her to settle in on time. This was one of those nights, and on this occasion, she'd managed to drag the Archer heir along with her.

Walking the perimeter of the pack's territory together, it was only intermittently that she could see the sky through the canopy. Still, it was hard not to notice how particularly vivid the stars were tonight. Unlike the sun they gave no warmth, and yet looking at them helped ease the bite of winter's frigid winds. Her breath hung in clouds before her face as she stopped to stare up once more, taking in their vision. A contented sigh later and she resolved herself back to earth, gaze dropping steadily until something stopped it, along with the rest of her, altogether.

There in the shadows of the boughs was another clump of mistletoe.

Memories floated to the surface of her mind, and her smile disappeared as she recalled that afternoon with Tomen. Still she regretted how things had gone, but felt as though there was nothing that could be done about it. It ached that there was something so incomplete in her life.

He was tired and he knew @Amaryllis was gonna be mad he had left while still under her care. But his worst headaches had faded away and he didn't get dizzy anymore. Deacon appreciated how much the small woman had cared for him but he was sort of grown (still young) and he had things to do. Besides, with no patrols and being kept under her hawk-like eyes he expected the dire need to travel to creep up on him. He was back now, though. No one could be mad, right?

The dark male couldn't find sleep or rather it didn't want to find him. So he had crept around the borders in hopes it would help him relax and find that rest he wanted. There had been a sound and a scent. With ease he connected the two rather quickly. His body was swift to move forward and appear in front of her. His tail swished happily. "Nineva." His voice a soft call out to her. Almost begging for her attention. "Need some company?" The dark male turned his head some, as he waited for a yes or no. He truly hoped it would be the before and not the latter.

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A young deer has been separated from the rest of its herd. Hunt Opportunity

The sprig of white berries, despite their apparent simplicity, had her entranced. Her features, normally bright and alert, had taken on a certain solemnity. When Deacon spoke up, the spell was all but broken, ears flicking to attention while her gaze jumped to meet his kind eyes. His phrasing was more poignant than surely he expected. A small, controlled smile swept across her lips as she nodded.

"Yeah. How've you been feeling?"

She knew about his injury, and asked him this about every day. The luckiest place to get injured was definitely Grizzly Hollow; almost everyone had medical experience and certainly the whole pack cared genuinely about your well being. Still, head injuries could be pretty serious. It relieved her when before he had said that the headaches were lessening rather than persisting.

He knew she was kind when she wanted to be and he loved when she was. Her question was met with a shrug. "My head is getting a lot better. Amaryllis knows what she's doing and she's really taken care of me." His tones were almost bland as if he didn't care about his head injury. Like he didn't care if he had god awful headaches the rest of his life and got dizzy when he worked himself too much. In reality, he did care about all of those things but he couldn't find the energy to show it. "The rest of me is having a difficult time, though. Lots going on in this head besides pain." Deacon offered a weak smile to the silver-hued girl.

He looked up and tried to catch a glimpse of the bright stars between the frondescence. "What're you doing up, though? Everything alright with you?" He spoke out softly. While he may have been the physically injured one between them, she was the one that had been through a lot of pain. Likely still went through a lot. He had promised to be there for her and fix things. So the least he could do was offer his support in the form of kind questions.

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He gave the same answer as he had been for a few days now, but it brought another smile to her lips all the same to hear. This display disappeared altogether, however, when he went on to mention non-physical troubles he was having. She could only guess at what they might be; was he still worried about his family over in the Willows? Had something happened here amongst the Cedarwoods? Or was it another thing entirely?

Her lips parted to ask the question, but she didn't get the chance to; he promptly inquired about exactly what she meant to, except she was the subject.

"Um," she stalled, chewing on her tongue as she considered being dismissive. Yet she couldn't honestly say that nothing was bothering her, and certainly her friend would not let it rest easy once she confirmed that.

"Just... thinking about things. Weird things. Uncomfortable things."

That had been the word she'd used before, and Tomen had all but run from it. Looking back, she couldn't believe he had truly been oblivious to what she was trying to get at. He just hadn't wanted to discuss it, and part of her hadn't either, but didn't they need to? Perhaps it could rest for now, but would it be that way forever? She hoped, but hope wasn't enough and their friendship was far too important to gamble.

Or maybe things would be made worse by pursuing it.

A frustrated sigh fell from her lips.

"I'll share mine if you share yours," she bargained with a ghost of a smile. Maybe Deacon could help her figure it out, and maybe she could help him in return.

"Um,"

He stood there waiting. He didn't have all night but he wasn't going to say that. Besides he really and truly wanted to here what was causing her to act so dumfounded.

She kept saying things. Avoiding the topic in direct and he sighed softly. He was about to all but give up. The dark male wasn't in the mood to play a game of back and forth. He wasn't in the mood to push against her words either. There was a very tiny sliver of hope, though. He shrugged and offered a weary smile. "Yeah, sure Nin." He moved over to one of the trees and sat down. His head titlted upwards to look at the stars before he sighed. "I guess I'll go first." Ebony lips parted to take in a deep breath of the rather cold air.

"I don't know if this place is for me, Nin. I mean you guys are great here but I don't think I belong. I owe everything to you, though. I'm here because I need to make things right with you and if I leave again how the hell can I do that?" His voice was gentle and unusually calm for when he talked like this. But the truth was he was furious at himself. So mad that he couldn't get things right or do something to make someone happy. He always felt so selfish and rude. When would he be able to make those uncomfortable feelings go away?

"Your turn."

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Something was different about him, she began to notice, and it seemed to be more than just that he was tired. Her eyes took on a different kind of light as they watched him, ears cupping forward to catch that unenthusiastic agreeance. As he moved she followed a few strides, stilling as he reclined. She wasn't comfortable enough to take a seat herself, and while his gaze regarded the night sky past the frondescence, hers remained fastened to his face.

Nothing about what he then said was looked upon kindly by the young woman. Each ebb of the confession tightened her jaw and hardened her mismatched eyes. She absolutely did not understand any of it, nor see where it had come from. Just like that, cracks began to form in the new foundation that they had agreed to lay down together. And then instead of explaining, he rolled the ball to her, as if it wasn't a big deal at all. As if he really expected her to graze past it and yabber about herself.

Still, she had agreed, and so once she regained use of her stunned tongue, she decidedly got her portion out of the way.

"I... don't know if I believe in love," she rushed, eyes narrowing with each syllable until she was pinning him with a glare. "Deacon, what the hell are you talking about?"

Her legs were becoming rigid as she fought back anger. Would he really tell her this now? Did she really put her trust in him just to have it lackadaisically thrown back at her, muttered casually as if it didn't even matter?

"Explain. Now."

Mature Language!

Her confession was simpler in a way. Her confession was so broad and wide in terms but his was narrow and specific. It was no surprise when her mismatched eyes narrowed in on him and her words grew so sharp. They were playing with a double sided dagger, though. Anything that was said had that chance of hurting both of them. And he knew that.

"I don't fucking fit in here but I don't wanna let you down again. I don't want to be burned into your memory as Mister Fuck-It-All or Mister Fuck-Something-Else-Up-Why-Don't-You." His tone had grown more confused and sad than pure anger. "I just want to be able to offer my damn help but I feel so useless and I obviously don't get along with some of the wolves here. What the hell am I supposed to do, Nin? " The dark male's bright eyes showed his hurt but it wasn't for anyone for himself. Did someone call a pity party for one because here he was!

He sighed. "I'm at this awful cross stream of wanting my life to revolve around helping you rebuild everything I destroyed but at the end of the day I go to sleep in a pile of wolves who I barely call family feeling like I've done nothing. I just get injured and sulk and be a jerk so who am I helping and what am I even doing? Grizzly Hollow is better without my ass living in here." He couldn't bring himself to look at her. His eyes begged to look for the stars. Search somewhere through the frondescence to see the only thing that may offer some slight comfort. "Anywhere is better off without me." It was true in a way. All he ever did was run and it seemed that was all he would ever be able to do.

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That fired him up. His words, his voice, they all took a sharp turn but none of it cowed her or the anger she felt. With each word he spoke, her tail rose steadily behind her with indignation. Perhaps she should have felt some sympathy for the hopelessness that he was expressing, some pity that he was so lost, that his self esteem had fallen so low. She didn't. His worries, his complaints: they were needless, his own creations alone and Nineva would not have patience for a wolf that claimed to want one thing but actively pursued the opposite. She couldn't. Not even one weak link could be tolerated if she wanted Whisper Cavern's future to remain certain.

What the hell am I supposed to do Nin?

She waited until he was completely out of words to answer, but when she did it was with fire on her tongue.

"You could grow the hell up," she suggested. "instead of giving up because everything didn't just fall into place for you. If you don't want to be a fuck up, how about you don't act like its all out of your control and do something about it other than run from it? You can say you want something all you'd like, but it doesn't mean shit if you aren't willing to work for it."

She took a few breaths, still glaring him down as she attempted to control what came out of her mouth.

"It doesn't feel like family? It's not. You want to be close to these wolves, then put in the effort and time. Learn about them. Adjust your attitude. Ancestors, everything you're crying about is shit you're perpetuating. If this is all you are, then you're right. We're better off without you. I'm better off not relying on a wolf who'll give up at the drop of a leaf."

And she meant that. Just as much as she meant her next word.

"But I don't believe that's all there is to you. You just need to get your head out of your ass and prove it."