The Wildwood backslide

For @Sahalie only. Takes place immediately after this thread.

They were alone and his heart was still within his chest, paralyzed by the indecision of whether to hope or hurt. Sahalie walked at his side, but there was now a thin distance of a few inches between them and it felt as though they were walking opposing sides of a canyon. His silver eyes watched only his paws as they took their steps, not yet audacious enough to look up at her. The silence pressed in around them, because what could he say? His mind struggled to find something, anything to start with.

It wasn't as if they had the whole night, after all. Each stride brought them closer to the Draw's borders, to Triell and the rest of them. He only had Sahalie to himself for this short while, and honestly a small part of him wanted to forget about the questions and the pain and just savor this time with her, smiling and making her laugh, because the teen believed deep within his heart that it would be his last chance.

It's how it always was, no matter how strong his faith.

"So," he started awkwardly, hoping that if he at least said one thing that maybe his tongue would just keep going. It half worked.

"Are you, alright? I mean, how have you been?"

Alastor had said she was just fine now, fully recovered from the trauma of it all, but Sven was unwilling to take his word for it. Shit like that didn't just get wiped away, it stuck with you like scars.

"How's Spieden, and the kids?"

Sahalie wanted to talk, wanted to explain herself, but had no idea where to begin. Sven clearly knew something if he had befriended Leotie and Kerberos and was regularly visiting a pack lead by her father, but it was hard to say what he knew and what facts she might need to counter or clarify. And more than anything she missed this, just like he did—missed just being together when things were uncomplicated and there was nothing better to do than take comfort in each other's presence. Perhaps it was selfish to hold out any longer, to claim the old silence for her own, because she knew that a lot of her explanation had the potential to damage and destroy. But, she sighed, it had some good parts in it too. She opened her mouth, ready just to start at the beginning where she could rewrite everything he knew, but—

"Oh." The question was not really a surprise, but it was such a normal, casual question that it disarmed her. Asking after Spieden more or less confirmed that he knew some things about Oak Tree Bend from her father, since he wouldn't have asked otherwise. Probably. "Well, I mean, I've been better, I've been worse." Better back when she had been home in Spectral Woods, worse when she had been back in Whitestone Monadnock. "But things are looking up. I've worked through a lot of things and even better things are waiting for me." In a different setting she might have beamed with excitement, but she was a bit more subdued—just hopeful, strong. Sahalie didn't feel the need to recover right away, but she knew also that she could not hold on to her pain. It did not serve her.

"They're all right. Spieden is doing better now," Which was something she'd have to get to. "They've all decided to stay at the Monadnock... for good I guess. With your aunt." She paused, and breathed in sharply, "And your mother." Her eyes searched his face for any twitch or flicker.

"I'm so sorry Sven." Her own expression crumbled and her eyes were holding back tears.

Been better, that seemed a far more veracious answer than the one her Alastor had given him, and somehow that helped to ease him somewhat. She was being honest, and he wasn't so horribly wrong about her as the other man had wanted him to feel. Those better things she went on to mention he already knew of, thanks to that meeting, and he might have brought them up then, had she not decided to go beyond what he had asked for.

The Monadnock. He knew that word even before she mentioned Morganna, and it was a blow in itself, but the addition of his mother left him gasping for breath. The emotions that flooded him could not be discerned from one another, and he was lost amongst them yet again. She reflected it, everything about that apology expressing that she had already known what that information would do to him, and that would have been a comfort could he feel such a thing at all in that moment. At the least, it was thin string tying him to shore, keeping him from being lost to the ocean altogether.

He wanted to cry, but despite the burning of his eyes and the pressure building within him, demanding release, he refused to allow it to happen. His chest was heaving with heavy breaths that were an attempt to keep control, as nothing felt like enough. Through his watery vision he tried to focus on her, gritting his fangs as he struggled to balance the compassion he felt for her and the betrayal that had always burned underneath his skin.

"You didn't," the words weren't coming easy, and even as they tumbled out he was uncertain if they were right, but he knew he had to keep going.

"You didn't do anything wrong, I know... I know something horrible happened to them, to your family, and you had to... you did what you had to for them and I know, how much your home meant to you and... how it must have felt to..."

To walk away from it, give it up, risk the slander and the burnt bridges and her own desires to care for those she loved. Sven imagine it perfectly, place himself flawlessly within her pawprints.

"but... I... why? Why did you go to her, why did... fucking Piety..."

She'd been here, home. He had cared for her, done the closest thing he could to forgiving her, and she'd just disappeared again to run to Morganna? And his treacherous aunt had taken her in? The woman whom she had scorned Sven as a child for caring for, one of the many that shamed him for wanting his mother back? It wasn't all Sahalie, but she was the one who was here, the one that was being honest with him and unfortunately, that meant she would receive the brunt of what he was never able to give to those that truly deserved it.

"Why didn't you come to me, Halie? You know I would have done anything for you, for your family, and you just... went to her and didn't even... why the fuck didn't you come to me?"

Shallow water has trapped several fish in a small pond. Hunt Opportunity

ugh this post is basically nonsense to me

Sahalie had never even talked to Piety—how could she, what was there to say—but she knew the impact that it would have on Sven. If somehow she had discovered Nayeli was living among her at the Monadnock she wouldn't have talked to her either, and perhaps this explained things. He was panting as if he was having difficulty getting air, and her heart seized with concern that he would go into the same panicked state she had seen Spieden in all too recently. But she had no idea what to say or how to calm him: an excuse? Did he want to hear more about his mother? All Sahalie knew was the woman had been attacked and lost a rank challenge. Piety was very scarred.

But she had given up on her son. Piety would have known Morganna, and Morganna could have told Piety how to find Willow Ridge again if she had lost the way. Her choice to remain in Whitestone Monadnock revealed that she had turned her back on her old life. Piety did not need to be troubled by the past, and she did not deserve her son's future.

The girl shifted uncomfortably, whining as Sven hesitated and attempted to catch his breath or his words or anything solid. Even though he tried to absolve her of guilt she shook her head: she still felt guilty, he still sounded upset. Biting her lip, she locked her knees and braced her small body for the worst, the "however" that was surely coming that she had earned. Nothing would be enough, but she could not cower or hide from the things she had done—unintentionally or otherwise.

Her mouth fell open. A brief, raw sound came out of her throat. She had always, always known as a child that she would be safe with him. Sven cared for her as deeply as any of her pack mates. And she could have tried to run to him, she should have, maybe, but that didn't change a few simple things. "Spieden was only going feel safe being very, very far away." Could she have convinced her? "Crossing the mountains would have been dangerous, but I guess that didn't worry my father," she said bitterly, even though she knew her excuse was weak. "She was so... wild Sven. I could barely talk to her, reason with her, there would have been so little I could do to control her and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to help her, get her to a safe place body and mind."

But then she had left her.

"I didn't want to be there." As soon as she had seen Morganna's face. "I should have come to you," she pleaded, lowering herself as she stepped closer to him. "It wouldn't have been so hard or so awful if you had been there." But could she say that with any certainty? Even Alastor had not kept the feelings of frustration, anxiety, and homesickness at bay.

"I know it doesn't mean much," her head twisted a little as she turned to stare at the ground, "But I'm here now..."

That firestorm of emotion was peaking, but before it truly could she doused it. Her words made sense. Not at first, but as she went on. What was Sahalie to do but follow her adoptive mother? Sven knew well himself that others couldn't be forced into doing even the right thing much less something simply different than what they wanted. From the sounds of it, Spieden had been beyond any kind of normalcy, and he couldn't expect Halie to have split from the woman when she needed her simply to drop by and say hi to him.

Part of him wished he didn't understand, that he could just stay angry and take it out on her. There was always some reason to quell the flames, to stuff what he felt back deep down inside of him, and that should have been something of a relief but really it just felt unfair. If it were anyone other than Sahalie, that alone would leave him feeling indignant. Instead, his heart went out to her as she continued. She stepped closer and he couldn't help but follow suit. That he could have made a difference for her were words too sweet for him to refuse.

He crossed the last bit of distance between them, burying his face against the crook of her shoulder just as he had earlier. Bones pressed back, a reminder of how much thinner she was. He missed her weight, the healthy glow that had always been present in her coat. He wanted to invite her home, to see her back to impeccable health, but already Sven knew that answer would be no. Alastor had broken that news for him.

"It means a lot," he lied. It wouldn't mean anything until she kept coming back to him, and god how he wanted to believe that she would. Yet no one else in his life had, and he couldn't help the overwhelming doubt within him. Sahalie was leaving for bigger and better things. This would be the last time he would be able to hold her against himself.

"Thank you."

His great, dirty-white head was about the size of her whole shoulder as he leaned against her once more. Sven hadn't exactly accepted her apology, but she could never ask him to. He still wanted to be close to her and that was enough, though her heart felt like it was caving in. Silence began to wrap itself around them and she was not ready to allow Sven or herself to retreat to the confines of their own thoughts, "It's.... it was so different up there, Sven. Your mom got her ear torn off in a rank challenge." Her face was scratched to hell. The rank challenge had been brutal and everyone had seemed on edge afterwards. "At the Bend we... we never had anything like that. Even Spieden and Aponi didn't take it that far. And there was just... so much expected from you. There was a lot of pressure to preform."

"I know I told you I before that I wanted to lead Oak Tree Bend when I grew up, but I didn't know how. And... well I guess there was a reason for that." It was never meant to be. Sahalie couldn't expect Aponi to step down, not when she had wanted it badly enough to take it from Spieden. A peaceful transition of power was not going to happen for her in Oak Tree Bend, and her family and homeland had seen enough conflict and tragedy to last it a lifetime at this point. "It feels like giving up, it sounds like giving up.... and it's still hard for me," something that Alastor might have overlooked in her excitement and optimism, "But I'm going to find a new place where I can help wolves come together as a family, where we can all heal."

"I want you to be there, but I know I can't ask that of you."

(This post was last modified: Mar 06, 2017, 10:34 PM by Sahalie.)

His ears lifted ever so slightly as she started talking again, before slamming shut against his skull again. Jesus fuck, his mind hissed. Now his mother had no ears? He had to admit, he wasn't sure how those things were supposed to go; as much as the ranks had switched up at the Ridge, it had never been through an actual challenge. The leaders just kept giving up, for valid or invalid reasons, cycling the position between themselves without any effort on the successor's part. At least, that's how the teen saw it.

No, it didn't bother him at all really how aggressive that pack was. He wouldn't be surprised, recalling @Craw's little exercise for him. What made him shudder was thinking of his mother experiencing such pain, of someone else daring to lay a paw on her, and of course, in the back of his mind, a whisper of and she would still prefer that to coming back for me.

Thankfully, Sahalie continued on, leading his thoughts down a different path. He knew where she was going with her words from the start of them, thanks to his run in with her future co-leader. But his heart both broke and hummed with her confession of how it felt to discard that dream of hers. Sven knew how it must feel, and was saddened by what she was going through. Yet he couldn't help but smugly recognize that he had been right and Alastor's words had proven false. Had the boy really believed them, been blind to her true emotions, or had he just been trying to rub in his face how happy Sahalie was without her childhood friend?

Then lastly, she gave him an offer that actually did help repair some of the broken beams on the bridge between them. Even that acknowledgment of his loyalty to his home was kind upon his ears. Sven nuzzled closer.

"I'm sorry," he told her, and his words felt much more genuine now.

"I wish I could have been there for you through all of it. I know you felt about the Bend like I feel about the Ridge, and it... shouldn't be easy to walk away from that. It means you're... really a good wolf."

The phrase would sound lackluster in any other conversation, but she should know how much that particular descriptor meant to the young Archer. His tail picked up to wag a few times.

"Which you've always been, of course."

It really wasn't anything new, and he wasn't sure if his words even were worth the air it took to speak them, but he felt it was important to reinforce what he thought of her still, despite what had happened.

"... the Ridge isn't doing well. My..." he voice cracked with emotion that Sven was trying to hold back, "my Nonna died. My uncle gave up leadership, and I'm... I'm done watching them fuck it all up. I'm going to be an adult in a few weeks, and then I'm going to try and become alpha."

It wasn't the first time he'd admitted it, but it was still significant for the youth to say aloud.

"If that doesn't work though... if the Ridge is damned to fall apart no matter what... I'll come to you."

ugh i am so awful for dropping the ball on this I AM SORRY pls love me still

A part of her wished that Sven could have been with her, too. Sven wouldn't have told her she couldn't control what other wolves--like her father--chose to do, Sven would have told her not to lower the standards she held others to. Sven didn't compromise, Sven understood everything that Alastor did not. Like parents that chose to leave you. That continued to choose to leave you. These feelings probably would have poisoned Sahalie, though, in her fragile state as she put all her energy into Thinking Positive. Being in Whiteston Monadnock would not have been good for Sven, either, seeing his mother like that or being in that pressure-cooker atmosphere. Alastor had nearly gotten into a fight with Lorcan, and surely Sven would have done something even worse. Even still, she couldn't stop herself from wishing he were with her more.

Sven continued, though, and her heart cracked open like her jaws and his voice. Elettra, his nonna, was the one rock he had relied on for so much after his mother and his father walked out on him. Sure, she was old, but Sahalie had never figured she was close to...that. Achingly, wordlessly, she stared at him trying to make sense of the mess. His uncle had already been described to her, once before by Greer, as "bad crazy" and even if this was the case Oak Tree Bend had never remained unaffected by a switch in leadership. When her father had left for Nayeli, when Drestig left, or when her father got hurt, those were scary, confusing, chaotic times she wished on no one--especially not someone still writhing trying to make sense of their grief. "Sven," she breathed, her small voice containing a hint of wonder that somehow--like her--he still wanted to save what was left. "Don't ever give up."

He couldn't give up like her.

"You know... we were connected before we even met. Apparently Spieden's mom, before she died she was your nonna's advisor." She wasn't sure if this was supposed to make him feel better or even serve any real purpose. "I just. Idunno, that sort of thing amazes me that we're all part of one another's lives before anything even started. It's destiny Sven. And you have a destiny, whatever it is. It's waiting for you." There were tears welling up in her eyes.

"You're going to be a great leader and so am I. Even if it can't be together. And your nonna is gunna be so proud of you." Her head butted against his before she finally looked away, staring at the trees. "We can spend more time together. I hope. When everything is settled. But for now will you show me to my dad?"

sahalie and sven exit

(This post was last modified: May 16, 2017, 11:47 PM by Sahalie.)