Lost Lake The Sound and the Fury

A little time.

A cure for all ills, or so they said. Desideria found the notion a bit harder to buy into. A little time hadn’t healed her ankle. She still moved with a limp, even if it didn’t hurt nearly as badly as it used to. Time hadn’t convinced Orin and his crew to let her go, either. So she did not trust the passage of time to make her more comfortable with strange wolves, nor did she trust the others to suddenly become her friends simply because they shared a living space. Quite frankly, she wasn’t sure if she wanted other friends. As good as it was to be welcomed home – where were they when she needed them the most?

Des gave herself a small shake, uninterested in dwelling on the questions that had no answers. All the same, she wasn’t expecting the small bomb Kajika had dropped on her, either. For a moment, all she could do was stare; it was a miracle she hadn’t dropped her jaw open in surprise. What should she say? The woman blinked once, and then twice, mouth opening and closing as her tongue refused to form any words. Before everything happened, she had harbored quite the…crush on her friend. But things weren’t the same.

No one came for her.

Her mouth clicked shit and the wolf cleared her throat, trying for the third time to actually make some words. “I-- But I’m not the same as I used to be,” she finally sighed, something cold and anxious pouring over the simmering heat deep in her chest. Abandonment could wait. “I can… I can tell. Like that jumpy stuff. I’m not the same.” She was silent for several moments.

“I was afraid you were gonna hate me, after everything…”

So much of it had had allowed things in the cove to change, things inside him had changed and in time he’s had an inner battle with himself.  The subject of it standing in front of him, the beautiful creature who he'd falls in love with and again his courage failed him.  Time had brought her back to him and he was certain that with time and a little help from him and she would feel a least a little better about being in the cove.  Des was a shy girl, something he'd always liked about her, so she would need a nudge and maybe if he was with her she would feel a little better.

There was time for that later, if the two of them were going to move past this and have the chance they'd been denied he needed to tell her how he felt. So that was what he did and for a long moment she didn't say anything, he worked that he might have made things worse.  He also worried she might not feel the same and was trying to find some way to tell him. He watched as her mouth open and closed but he did not say anything waiting to see where her thoughts were. Then, finally she spoke her words bringing him closer to her as he pulled her into a hug. “I would be foolish to think you were the same after what you'd been through so I understand if you don't feel the same,” he assured her.

As for him hating her he pulled back to look her in the face, “I won't lie to you Des I was angry when i first realized you were gone but I've had a lot of time to think about it.  I realized that I should never have been angry, I should've come looking for you, and lastly I couldn't hate you ever not when you mean so much to me.” He stepped forward to place a gentle kiss on her cheek, “I just wonder how you feel about me?” He said his voice quiet just for her ears.  For he too have worried she would hate him.

(This post was last modified: Mar 12, 2017, 06:09 PM by Kajika.)

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The honesty did something, though Desideria could not quite find the word for it.  That Kajika was not perfect, that at some point, he was angry made it all a little easier to believe.  Made him more of a wolf, and less of some perfect creature she didn’t quite remember.  The swarthy male hadn’t been quite so together when last they met, but they’d been figuring out things (pack, life, finding roles, romance, everything else in between), and things seemed so different.  Like they were no longer on the same standing, like Kajika had worked so hard and done so much, and Des had just…stagnated.  Rotted.  Gone backwards even.

A gentle hug seemed to reel her mind back in from wherever it was racing off to, and the small wolf sunk briefly into the embrace, only to realized just what she was doing.  Nostrils flared and she flinched away, waiting for the pain that inevitably followed – but nothing followed.  Kajika only asked a question.

Her claws dug into the snow, frozen between leaning further into the warmth and pulling away, lest the embrace be only a lure.  Even with friends, it was hard to forgot everything that had transpired, hard to stop the automatic desire to get away, so far away.  Don’t hurt me.

What if she said the wrong thing?

“I…  Kajika…”  She flailed.  “You are so…  Good.  And important.  And I ain’t.  I’m all… Stupid little pieces, put together all wrong.  No one came for me.  I ain’t good enough for anyone.”  Des started trying to back up, tail tucked between her hind legs. “That’s what lowest is, y’know.  Doesn’t matter what I think.  I ain’t good enough.  That’s just how it is.”

(This post was last modified: Mar 18, 2017, 10:54 PM by Desideria. Edit Reason: Speech tags were messed up. )

Learning about what had happened to her during her absence hadn't changed the way he felt about her.  It hasn't made him think any differently of her besides being sorry he hadn't been there to help.  It had been hard to accept that there was probably nothing he could have done to save her. Now what was left, he needed to help her to get past it like he had been trying for so long to do.  What happened to her had to have some effect on her that he hoped he could make better for her, make her life better.  She deserved to be happy, to be able to live in peace that he hoped she'd find in Fallen Tree Cove.

He knew she wasn't the same wolf and even knew there was the chance that she no longer felt for him the way she used to.  That too much time had passed and too much had happened that what they could've had wasn't going to happen.

By telling her exactly how he felt he could at least make sure she knew, she at least deserved to know. He hadn't kept anything from her to the point of telling her he'd been angry with her but that had changed. He hadn't told her he loved her but he felt it might be too soon for that, she might need some time.  He would give her as much time as she needed after all she'd only just got back and she needed time to adjust.

It became more clear to him that was the case as she spoke in response to what he'd said.  “I’m not anymore important than you are. Your all what Des? Please know you can still talk to me about anything.” He didn't understand what she was getting at until she spoke again.  “You're not the lowest anymore and what you think does matter, your opinion matters especially to me.  That not how it has to be anymore,” he said gently trying to help her see that thing we're different for her that what she endured was over and she could try to move past it.

(This post was last modified: Mar 18, 2017, 09:32 PM by Kajika.)

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Thankfully, Kajika did not attempt to move back into the woman’s space, and she shuffled further back. The cold air was like a thick wall, the only comfort she’d known whilst among the Crow’s Crossing wolves. A familiar friend – the only being that never did change, no matter where she went, or when she came back. You shouldn’t have come back, the quiet voice whispered from the back of her skull, and her ears fell further against her crown. They’ll get you fat on their lies.

And a fat wolf was just as helpless as an injured wolf, weren’t they? If they hadn’t broken her ankle, Orin and his boys probably would have kept her fat.

And they did do that, didn’t they?

But they couldn’t keep her like that year-round. Her tail thrashed behind her, bouncing from hock to hock as her thoughts rattled inside their cage. Anything? Like talking would fix things. Like talking would sand all the sharp edges Orin had left behind. Like talking would fill the Namid-shaped hole, or the Kajika-shaped pit, or the crater the twins had left behind when they’d disappeared again. “Oi. I am the lowest. Ain’t no one below me, ‘cept pups – how long you think Namid’s kids are gonna stay under a lil’ runt?” She snorted softly, skittering towards the side. She flicked her tongue over her teeth, brows furrowed as she started to weave from left to right and back again. “I’m not stupid. I know how this shit works.”

The more she spoke the more he came to understand just what had been done to her and the angrier he became.  It was more clear than ever that she wasn't the same woman he had lost all those months ago. He wanted to help her, to change her way of thinking. Make her see that where she stood at the place she'd been was not how it was in the cove. That she wasn't the lowest despite whatever rank she held in the pack.

He knew Namid would never see her as the lowest and neither would he.  That here she did matter and that she was part of their family that made up the cove wolves. The problem was that other than telling her over and over he didn't know how else to make her see. He wasn't even sure it was him that could be the one to show her. He felt it might have to be Namid and Vespertio because they were the Alpha's and had more say than he did.

He stayed where he was a she spoke about being under the pups, how long they would stay under her.  He knew it had to be herself that she was talking about and this broke his heart, to see her so torn down. His ears flattened against his skull at her last words about knowing how it worked. “It doesn't work here however if worked there,” he told her still keeping his calm with her, “They will fall into rank behind you when they are old enough.  Don't you remember how it is here? You earn your rank and move up accordingly.”

Kajika wanted to say more, to explain how he had ended up as beta but he waited to see what she would say to what he'd said.

(This post was last modified: Mar 19, 2017, 12:10 AM by Kajika.)

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