Fallen Tree Cove Broken Bird

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

In her world, she was only governed by herself. In her world, no one else could stop her. No one could tell her what to do, what to not do. They could advise her. They could strongly suggest a course of action. They could warn and plead all they liked, but at the end of the day, she was the only one who made the choices. She was ruled by nothing, only her fears and the monster riding her soul, but apart from that? No mortal being capable of walking this earth held true sway over her these days. What Lunette wanted to do, she would do. That was how simple it was to her, in her world.

They had been quick to show her, though, that her world wasn't like the real world. When the lynx had come, she had thought everyone would abide those laws, that everyone would understand why Moonshadow stepping in in front of her was the elongated equivalent of outright killing her, and the disappointment when she realized that she had erred in their eyes had been soul-crushing.

Lunette no longer dared trust her own instincts, her own judgment, her own strength, glass-like and fragile as it was. And Kajika's words, they only reinforced that feeling, and her ears turned back, and the hope in her eyes quickly died. “We would have to get permission for you to go and I haven't asked.  Do you think your parents would let you go?” She wished, oh, how she wished, that she was strong enough to defiantly bare a hint of teeth and say I don't care what my parents say, this is my life, but Neha's shocking reprimand rang in her head. Who do you think you are? She wanted to turn it back in their faces, who do you think I am? but she never could. Her tongue refused to form the words.

She was supposed to be meek and brainless, she supposed. Never wanting to venture further. Never wanting to see the sunrise from another place. Never anything, always ruled, and it hurt so much that she had to turn her head away from his words. “Do you really want to go out into unfamiliar territory?” Did he, too, believe in the lies the monster told about her? Did he, too, believe her nothing but a kept princess, without a single desire to her name? “I am worried you wouldn't like it.” They all sounded like excuses—like he was trying to convince her not to come.

And that, too, hurt.

"Do you think I didn't want to follow Ismena, all those times she went exploring? Do you think I want to sit on this mountain until I rot? I want to go out there but there's this thing inside of me—" She drew up short, breath suddenly too hot in her mouth, and, aghast, she turned away from him. She had gone where she shouldn't. She had spoken of what she shouldn't. She had told him about the monster, and it bared its teeth in the dark, and smiled.

She took a few steps away, shoulders sagged in defeat. Her silver tail hung limp between her legs. "Just go, then, Kajika," she said, quietly. "I'll still be here when you return, because I don't think I'm ever going anywhere." The last was just a bitter whisper, barely audible, and she bit down hard against the hot, thrumming pain in the back of her throat, blinked hard against the same fire behind her eyes. Crushed, torn to bits by the world and the monster's teeth, she began to walk away from him.

She'd never talked to him the way she was now, it took him aback for a moment.  Once he regained his composure he realized his words has hurt her.  This was not what he'd come to do, his leaving he knew would hurt her but he felt he'd only made things worse by making sure going was what she really wanted.  This time wouldn't be a small little venture outside border where they could return home at any time.  This time he was traveling for two weeks and a distance that would eventually lead him down towards Turtleback lake.  There would be no returning if she became scared or decided she couldn't do it.

Then the last sentence she said before she stopped had his head tilting to the side, something inside of her?  What did that mean? Was this what plagued her and caused her to be so scared and down on herself? These were the questions that ran through his mind as tried to process what she'd said.  It worried him more than he thought possible, he was afraid for her.  More than ever he wanted to help her and he wanted to stay home with her.  If he could help her work through it defeat whatever it was inside of her that kept her from doing what she wanted.

“My only concern is for you Lunette,” he started, “I only want to be sure it's what you really want and if it is I will gladly take you.  Let you see the lore and experience what I did before I came to the cove,” he went on as she turned away from him.  He wasn't going to let it go that easily.  He moved toward her nudging her chin, “I want to show you the world Lunette but I want to be sure you are comfortable in doing that.  I care about you too much to put you in a situation you aren't and it end up hurting you. This thing inside you it worries me.  Please will you talk to me about it?” He was pleading with her during his last sentence hoping she would open up about it and trust him.

Then she told him to go, that she would be there when he got back.  She was angry with him and her words stung, tearing at his heart. He believed that he had lost her but he cared about her too much to let her just walk away from him forever. They had grown too close for her to just turn away from him, he couldn't let her walk through the world alone with some thing inside her. She started to walk away from him, he couldn't let her go. He couldn't let things between them to end like this before he felt and wouldn't see her for two weeks.

“Lunette, please don't go,” he pleaded hoping she would turn around, “Please don't let things between us end like this before I leave. I don't want to leave with you angry with me,” he told her before he went to her, catching up to her he tried again to stop her, “I'm sorry i hurt you it was never my intention. Will you please give me another chance?” He asked pleading once again to her hoping she would see how sorry he was for hurting her.  It was his job to protect her and help her grow but he suddenly felt like he had failed in doing that.

(This post was last modified: Mar 07, 2017, 06:05 PM by Kajika.)

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Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

She was hurt. She was shocked, aghast, at herself, for having dared to put words on what she felt into the air—things didn't live in wolves, monsters didn't exist, and surely, he knew that. He'd tell her. Laugh at her. Anything. She had slipped up so bad. It was the one thing she had sworn to never speak of, because it was too close to the heart of the issue. It would lead to questions she did not want to answer. Things she did not want to consider. Truth she didn't want to get out.

She had always loved him for the way he looked after her. For the way he cared for her. For the way he didn't go away just because she told him to, or told him that it was a bad idea. He always saw through that, and stuck around. But now—for the first time, she wanted him to leave when he asked her to.

He wouldn't let it end like this, though, and it only made it worse. She wanted to snap at him, tell him to go away, even though her heart was rebelling in her chest, beating too fast and screaming see me see me see me. The only thing she could do was ignore him, to not answer his questions, to not comment his explanations, and to not acknowledge how much it hurt to do just that. He cared; that was why he questioned her. He cared; that was why he wanted to take her, if she could convince him she wanted to go.

But she couldn't. Her tongue was tied to her teeth and even as he asked her about the monster, she could not answer, not even to tell him that he must've heard her wrong—there were no things inside of wolves, where had he gotten that from? Silly old Kajika, your hearing must be getting bad.

All she did was turn her head away, told him to go, and started to walk away. It hurt, every step of it hurt, but if he wasn't smart enough to let it go and leave on his own..? No; he bounded after her, asking her not to go. This time, she let him stop her, and stared dejectedly at her paws as her heart thrummed in her chest. It hurt. She drew a deep, shaking breath, but still did not look at him.

"I will always forgive you," she whispered weakly, her voice too raw to be anything but honest, and too fragile to raise louder. "You will always have another chance. Don't.. don't worry," she managed, trying to find some stable ground, some sort of confidence, but there was none. Desperately, she wanted to be able to tilt her head up and give him a reassuring smile, but there was nothing in her, only dust and lies. She couldn't. Not now. Not in this moment. She wanted him to go, so she could go somewhere alone and fall apart, but she no longer found the strength to tell him to. She swallowed, and went on, her voice still very low and brittle. "We can go somewhere later." When we've had time to ask my jailers for permission. It was cruel and unworthy of her and she regretted it the moment she thought it, but she couldn't take the bitterness back.

Her words rang in his ears stinging more and more with each reverberation, he had hurt her even though he had not meant to.  The pain he felt from her words, he deserved it because he'd hurt her.  What he'd thought was looking out for her she took as he didn't think her capable, he could understand why she was so upset with him.  The dark man couldn't stand the idea that he would be leaving in just a few short days and she would be angry with him. He had to mend it with her somehow. He just hoped she would forgive him for making her feel as though she wasn't just as capable as anyone else.

It scared him the way she spoke of a monster inside if her, what exactly did she mean by it? Could it be something like the darkness that had been festering inside him for the last few months? He could see where a small girl might think of it as a monster, something that made her feel less then she was.  Like his it could bring her down just when she thought she was going to be free of it. Then it would come back even worse making the whole world seem like it was closing in, maybe he did understand what was going on with her after all.

From the first time he has taken it upon himself to try and bring Lunette out of her she'll he had known something was different about her.  Something inside of her held her back from doing the things others did like her sister, adventures were something he'd taken her on but always on her terms.  He allowed her to decide where they went, how far they went, and when they would return. He hadn't been able to figure it out but now he knew so maybe he could help her overcome it like he was trying to do with his own darkness.

He wouldn't let her leave angry with him because he feared it would mean he would have to leave the cove with her mad at him.  So as she started to walk away from him he went after her and stopped her before pleading for her forgiveness. To let her know just how much he cared about having her in his life and now that she'd become such a big part of it he couldn't imagine not having her in it. When the days had seemed darkest she has been the one to brighten them enough to give him something to move towards.  He could be that for her if only she would let him

A small smile crept across his features as she told him she would always forgive him and he would always have another chance. “As will you Lunette, I don't ever want to lose you,” he told her as he nudged her cheek with his nose. “You have become more important to me then I think you realize.” He wanted her to know that before he left because he didn't want her to end up wondering if something happened to him. He nodded when she asked they go somewhere where later, “Anywhere you like but I would like for you to think about telling me about your monster, please.” How could he help her if he didn't know what exactly he was dealing with. “I care about you a lot and all of want to do is help you.”

Kajika hoped that now with the cat out of the she would consider letting him in more so that he could help her in whatever way he could. He hoped she knew she could trust him not to share in the end whatever she decided she could give him he would take.

(This post was last modified: Mar 16, 2017, 12:51 AM by Kajika.)

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Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

She didn't know what else to say, then. Her piece spoken. Her peace offered. The bridges burnt tentatively built anew from charred timbers, rain-wet. She felt smaller than usual, a snowflake in the vastness of the world. Heavy, like a river overburdened, but placid like a lake—no torrent of destructive power.

She stared at his dark chest, and willed him to say the words, that's alright, I'll be going now. She wanted him to leave. She wanted him to stay. She wanted to curl up in that dark fur and cry herself a river to drown in. She wanted to never see his face again, because he brought everything so close to the surface, sharp jagged bits of emotion poking her skin from within.

She wanted to be left alone for a bit, so she could clear her head, and think. Draw in some cool mountain air and wonder how she'd come to be there, and how they'd come to say what they did—and how she could move on from there. It was terribly productive, that feeling, a kind of efficiency and capability she rarely felt she had. She was meek and skittish and afraid; she chased herself into corners. She never got herself out of them, but this one, she was hell-bent on getting out of, even if she had to break down the walls.

“You have become more important to me then I think you realize,” he said, and nudged her cheek. She let him, her ears flitting back with uncertainty and bitterness. But not as important as Des? she wanted to say, but she couldn't bring herself to get the thankless words past her teeth. It wasn't fair of her to be envious of a woman grown, someone who had been in Kajika's life longer than she herself had been alive. It still hurt, though. She smothered it by pressing her face into his chest.

I love you she wanted to say as response, the timid admission of a young girl not quite sure she meant that kind of love but knew that it was love all the same. She bit the words back, though, and inhaled his scent. He smelled of winter and mountain air. "Mmh," she murmured into his fur. "I.. I can't promise anything," she began, about the monster, talking to his hairs because it was easier, and strangely enough, made her feel better. His words didn't hurt quite as much. The fact that he was leaving was okay, but honestly, he shouldn't have said that thing about taking her with him. But maybe, with the memory of her face buried in his fur, she'd get through the weeks without him alive, and mostly sane. "But.. but some day, I'm going with you, and we're going further." It was a solemn promise, and a kind of goodbye—it's alright, you can go now. I forgive you.

It was a hard thing leaving her not only because it would be hard for her but for him too.  It was a long time to be gone to be without seeing each other.  Even when they hadn't been speaking so much they hadn't ever gone that long and now with the new development of her monster.  It made him want to leave her even less, to stay with her and try to help her monster go away. He wanted to see her happy and carefree as she should be as she approached her first birthday.

He knew though that he couldn't help her until he had full left the darkness that had engulfed him for so long behind. Until he had dealt with all that threatened to drown him he was of no use to Lunette if he couldn't even help himself. So going on this trip was best for both of them and the only way he saw to really help them both. He would have the time to deal with what problems he had and then he could come back and help her.

Though she said she would always forgive him it didn't stop him from feeling like he has to make it up to her. To apologize and make sure she knew what she meant to him, he wanted her to know that she was important.  That he would be back because he couldn't not have her in his life and that he would miss her while he was away.  He also wanted her to know that he would come back to her as soon as he could.

He knew all really was forgiven when she pressed her face into his chest helping some of the guilt for hurting her to go away.  Maybe he shouldn't have to her he would take her with him if he could but he wanted to know he wasn't excluding her because he didn't think her capable.  He knew she was, they had gone in many adventures and she'd done find but he did worry.  He brought his head down to tuck her closer to him in hopes that he might comfort her a little after he'd hurt her.

With her face buried in his fur she spoke about not making any promises, “All I ask is that you try Lunette, I think I understand better than you think I can and maybe talking about it will help.” He knew that he couldn't be certain and couldn't make her any promises but he hoped knowing that he wanted to help her would make it a little easier for her.  A smile broke across his dark features as she made her request, “Someday I will take you on a trip and show you all the places that love.” He wanted to share that with her, that part of his life that had occurred before she was born.  He thought she would like to see those places, he liked the idea of sharing them with her. “I promise to take you Lunette.” He always kept his promises.

(This post was last modified: Mar 16, 2017, 12:51 AM by Kajika.)

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Sorry for being so slow. :x You go again, and then we wrap it up?

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

Kajika was as dangerous as he was addictive. He was what got her through the heavy days. He was what pulled the choking hands from her throat. He was what made it worth waking up in the sunlight, every morning. And he was what scared her; not through any fault of his own, but for what he stirred up in her. The strength of some emotions scared her. The facets which only reflect certain facts angered her—she should be better than some of the things she felt. And, the way he saw through some things she said, the way he cut to the core, the way he asked all the questions she did not want to answer—that was the worst part.

That was what kept her head in his black fur, burying herself somewhere where she could pretend her ears were clogged and she couldn't hear his voice. She could pretend that she only heard his heartbeat, a loud thing echoing in her mind, vibrating through her entire body. Each reverberation made her tingle.

But even that felt like betrayal, like she wasn't doing her best for him. He, who certainly deserved it, because he cared for her through no obligation of bloodline—he, who understood her. She swallowed, and wished he'd just stop talking about her little monster, the sharp-toothed thing already worrying at her mind, tearing it to shreds for daring to admit that she was all sorts of crazy and surely he'd go tell Mama and Papa and they'd be worried and maybe upset and she'd have let everyone down and maybe it would've been better if the lynx had taken her—

Poor Moonshadow, though. And on the other paw, she thought it with both sincerity and sarcasm, and both felt equally true. It frightened her.

"Mmh," she hummed into his chest again, determined not to mention the monster, the crippling, choking anxiety again, the constant commentary berating herself for everything she did. She was Lunette, Never Good Enough. Fortunately for her, the talk about adventures—slightly longer ones than their jaunts around the lake—was there to distract her, and she hoped he'd let it rest, too. "I'd like that," she said quietly, mindful of the cold morning air, and a stillness she suddenly felt afraid to shatter. She pulled back a little, and regarded him. "Can we go for a walk now?" she asked softly, a little hope sparking up in her brown eyes.

When he'd made his decision to go he didn't consider how hard it would be to say goodbye to some of his packmates. Getting away for a bit so that he could sort through what exactly he was feeling was the biggest thing on his mind.  He felt rather selfish especially where Lunette was concerned.  He knew it wasn't like him but a lot of his behavior over the past months hadn't been characteristic of him either. It still wasn't an excuse for not considering how she would feel about him leaving. He hoped that as long as she knew he wasn't abandoning her that she would be okay.

He also thought Tagg was right that maybe this time he needed to be selfish and think of what he needed. Kajika didn't like to admit it or talk about it really because it wasn't something that mattered much to him.  He did a lot for others especially in the pack and most if not all of the time he put them before himself. It didn't bother him that was how things were for him, in fact he enjoyed it. It was what he had come to the lore to do.  It was a comfort to know that he hadn’t lost sight of what his goal had been when he'd arrived.

As he looked down at Lunette's head buried against his chest he wondered if he was being selfish about more than just his trip. He hadn't given it much thought with his mind wrapped up in so many other things. Those thoughts were there and they too needed to be worked through so that when the time came he would have a definitive answer. Kajika just hoped the length of his trip would be long enough to figure it all out, there was still so much. For her sake he hoped that he would be better when he came back and then he would concentrate on making his leaving up to her.

Her small voice reached his ears and vibrated his chest where her head rested as she responded to him telling her to be careful.  He didn't know what would he the outcome of their next talk or if he really could help with her monster but he owed it to her to try. A smile crossed his features when she said she would like to go on some longer trips, “We will do that then when I get back.” If it was what made her happy then he would gladly take her on as many trips as she wanted to go on.  He soon found himself looking into her brown eyes as she looked up at him and asked if they could go for a walk. “Of course, we can walk as long as you like.” He said as he stood up and shook out his coat. “I will miss our walks,” he said as he stepped forward and placed a small kiss to her forehead. Then he turned in the direction they been heading and waited for her to join him.

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Congrats on over 500 Kajika posts!

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

He couldn't be real. Half the time, when he wasn't around, she was convinced he was just a cruel dream, a figment of her imagination there to torture her with kindness only to later be revealed as nothing more than her childish longings. But there, with him so close that she could feel the brush of his fur against hers, she knew that he was real. But why he cared so much, or that he chose to show it, she couldn't understand. Some days, she was content not to. Some days, she wanted to pin him to a rock and demand to know what he saw in her—why he bothered at all.

Today, she didn't know neither up nor down, in nor out. She was sad, and shocked, that he was leaving, a surprise that tasted bitterly and left her afraid, because it had been so sudden—she was angry, that he said he could've taken her but hadn't bothered to ask anyone, and hurt, too, as it made it feel like a betrayal, and as if he thought she wasn't good enough to take on the world.

Maybe she wasn't, but.. couldn't he have spared her from it? If he had asked, would she have declined, and for that very reason?

If you'll miss them, why leave? she thought, but it was unfair of her. He needed to go, for whatever reason that would make him feel better, and the last thing she wanted was to get in the way of Kajika's happiness, even if it meant letting go of him, or standing a lifetime in the shadows watching him with Des. She drew a deep breath and folded back her ears when the point of his muzzle touched her forehead. She didn't know how she felt about that, for aforementioned reasons.

"Then let's make it a good one," she said quietly and followed him, a little silver shadow. So it'll be worth coming back to.