Lost Lake you and I and the blood and the bone

For @Kajika

Dawn began to touch the night sky. The deep blues changed to pale ones in the east, paling the stars and leaving only the western ones to shine down on her. It was a moonless night, but rather light all the same—fitting, she felt, as she laid in her darkness by the lake's edge. It reflected the sky almost perfectly, stirred only by the hint of a ripple. The breeze was faint, the air thick with the scent of Fallen Tree Cove. She laid just outside its border, the stone shelf cool but marginally warmed by her sleek body.

The solace she had found in the Wildwood had been burned away by the mountain. She was restless and agitated, and kept out of the way, clearly frustrated but shutting everyone out. Moonshadow had given birth to a boy, a single, healthy child. Lunette could deal with that. But Neha was also expecting. Lunette couldn't deal with that.

Neha was young. Neha was inexperienced. Neha was not in a leadership position. And yet, she had had the balls and bad judgment to go and breed, and what was worse, she was expected to deal with the devilspawn.

Lunette felt the familiar irritation snake along her spine. It made her lips twitch and her hair stand on end. She didn't like it. She hated it. It was uncomfortable and strange and worrying and she'd much, much rather just sit in peace and quiet by the Heartleaf Creek and watch the fish swim beneath the cold, cold surface. Up here, she was at the mercy of her family, her memories, and the harsh mountain weather.

Her relation with her mother was slightly repaired, but she felt guilty all the time, anyway. Guilty that her mother knew how she was. What she was. Guilty, because surely her mother worried, blamed herself, all sorts of things Lunette had never wanted. She swallowed, and wriggled so she laid more on her side. The starlight bathed her silver form.

Maybe it was better if she just disappeared. Maybe it would be better for everyone if she wasn't here.

She though of Kajika, and her heart ached. She couldn't leave him. Not now, not ever.

The scent of dawn was on the air though the sky was still as dark as it had been just hours before. His sides expanded with the sigh of frustration he expelled, it was the same thing everyday now. Since he’d found Des’s body in the snow, cold and lifeless with the scent of blood and another male on her fur. The faceless male haunting him just as Des had before her return and causing him to feel an anger he’d never felt before well up in him. The dark man wanted blood for what had been done to his love before they’d ever had the chance. Any attempts he’d made to find her murderer since that day had not been fruitful forcing him to give up the hunt for the time being.

He couldn't spend too much time away from pack lands with Moonshadow having just given birth. Though she'd had a healthy baby boy who had been dubbed his godson only moments after his birth Sher also had two stillborns. Kajika feared she would visit the dark place that he and Namid had gotten to know quite well. He could not prevent her falling but he could do she'd done during his visit to the dark place. Just as she'd done he checked on her and little Chan every day to ensure all was well with them.

The wolf responsible for Moonshadow losing two of her children too would one day pay for the wrongs done to his friend. He and Tagg would see to that when the time came, a silent vow had been made over the new mother and her only surviving pup. Since his return he was much more accepting of Moonshadow​ and Taggs relationship, it didn't bother him as it once had and he was thankful for that. Moonshadow would never have to know the truth of what he had once felt for her and she would not be any the wiser that he had lied to her.

The cove was starting to come back together with Lunette's return though it did not feel the same as it had before his departure. Many things had changed that couldn't be put back and now he would have to get used to them. Neha was one of those things having changed, she'd gone and bred behind her parents backs and would now be delivering pups of her own any day. His respect for the young healer was diminishing with each passing day as she continued to do as she please instead of what her rank allowed.

Deciding there was no point in continuing to lay in his den Kajika slipped out to start his morning and get his duties out if the way before afternoon. As he came upon the lake a familiar scent reached his nose bringing a smile to his face, how he had missed her. The devastation he had felt at finding out she was missing upon his return was almost the same when he had discovered Des had left the first time. After quenching his thirst Kajika made his way over to the stone shelf where she rested.

His journey had helped just as he thought it would helping him to sort through what he felt for not only Moonshadow but Lunette as well. “Mind if I join you?” He called up to the young Vuesain.

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The sun was far off yet—an hour at least, or so she hoped as she lay in the slowly fading dark. She wanted the shadows to stay, to linger, to be tangible, so she could pull them around herself like a blanket; a cloak, to hide her from the world. A slow, subtle end, with no trail, only a few shattered hearts in her wake. A quick, clean cut. No broken bones. No ragged, jagged edges—she'd just be gone, like a dream they woke from. Wouldn't that be good?

She wanted the night to linger, to cradle her form and shield her from all eyes. She wanted to be gone in it, drifting away on black waves. She didn't want to be here, with frustration like a poison in her veins. All the frustration, fear, and confusion she had felt the past spring was coalescing into something that tasted too much of fury and bitterness—who were they to demand what she do, and do not? Especially she, Neha, who had seen fit to do as she pleased and revoked any and all credit she'd had when telling Lunette off.

She was starting to taste hate, and she liked it far too much. It was blind justification. It was fuel for her fire. It was the only answer to the suppressed parts of her—and only held at bay by a thin thread of guilt. It wasn't their fault. I did this to myself. Had she, though? Did she have any right to blame it on them—that they hadn't seen what was happening within..?

His scent drifted in on the breeze. She closed her eyes, hard. She was older now; was she still afraid of the world, and everyone in it? He had taken her on trips.. little trips around the lake.. explaining everything, always protecting.

That morning, she was not afraid. That morning, she was frustrated and angry.

It was so..foreign.

She wanted to fight him—not for anything he'd done, or anything he hadn't done, but she wanted to fight the entire world. She wanted to take it on and somehow win, and she guessed that was why she wanted to fly at him—do it every time until she was good enough.

“Mind if I join you?” he called, and she shattered into a million different pieces. She wanted him close, to bury her face in his fur as she had done a thousand times before. She wanted to inhale every nuance of his scent. She wanted to press against him and melt into him and never reform. And that thing she was still afraid of, because it was so much more visceral, so deep and so demanding that she nearly physically recoiled—but she lay still, flat on her side, listening to the silence of the mountains.

And what do you answer, anyway? Was 'no' that she didn't mind? Or did it imply she didn't want him around? She wanted him up there, but she wasn't sure how innocent it was any more. She was older. She was..angrier, somehow, at everything, but never, ever at him. She wanted to be the same as she had been—quiet, demure, shy. She wanted to invite him up and lay in contemplative silent.

Instead she felt like a dragon, ready to stand up and incinerate the world.

"Please," she murmured, surprised she could still be quiet when something was building up to an inferno within. "Come up." She hated how it almost sounded like pleading, but since she didn't know how to answer, she wanted to be perfectly clear that he was the fix for everything, and that she was starved of his presence. Lunette, even in her blinded, bitter state, had not failed to notice that something was..different with him. But what it was, she didn't know—could be anything. Could be the season. Could be Des's fading scent or Moonshadow's cubs. She waited for him to get up on the rock with her, and when he was, asked the thing which had been begging to be asked since her return.

"Are you happy here?"

The sky was starting to lighten but there was still enough dark in the sky that it would last awhile yet before the sun made it's appearance for the day. His plan was to get his duties finished before checking in Moonshadow and Chan as he always did. He enjoyed the chance to spend time with his god son even if the boy wasn't quite moving around yet. If this would be the only way for him to have children now that Des was gone he could he happy with that. At least he hoped he could be since he’d lost his chance due to his own stupidity which he now saw. Remaining in the cove as long as Vespertio and Namid ruled meant he would not have the chance to have his own children again. It did bother him but he knew the laws, had grown up with the same laws which left him no choice but to accept it for what it was.

Everyday he been gone he had thought about what it would have been like to have pups of his own. Her hoped for a male to pass his name to and to keep his legacy going once he was gone. He thought he would be a good father, patient and understanding. He would want to teach his children everything he knew so they could be as successful as he had become in his life. He'd be proud and hoped they would be proud to call him their father. He would have to do those things with Chan now but he would never hear the boy call him father for that right was reserved for Tagg.

He'd often thought about Des during his journey and Moonshadow too but there was one that had been on his mind everyday. Lunette had never traveled far from his thoughts during his absence from Fallen Tree Cove. Before he'd left he'd been so caught up in what he felt for Des and Moonshadow that he had only been able to see her as a friend. One he wanted to protect and would do anything for but then that was how he was with all of his friends. It wasn't until he was away from the cove and Moonshadow that he realized he cared for the young Vuesain more than just a friend. It wasn't until she had been missing for he know just how much making him desperate to find her.

As he looked at her laying atop The stone shelf he couldn't help but feel relieved that she was still in the cove. No part of him thought she had accidentally gotten lost after the words that had been exchanged. He wanted to know the truth and why she had gone but it wasn't the time but one day it would be and he hoped she would tell him. The dark man still wasn't sure how much she had changed while she was away but he could see the physical difference in her.

Before he might have joined her without asking knowing she would want him to be up there with her. Now it was different, he had taken the liberty to go behind Des's back and asked for permission to start a family with her. He would not do any such thing with Lunette so he waited for her to give him the permission to join her. For a moment he worried that she wouldn't but then she gave it and he immediately jumped up next to her. As he came up behind her he placed a lick to her crown and brushed his muzzle against her cheek. He settled down with his side against her back, he'd missed her so much in the time they'd been apart.

Once he was settled she surprised him with a question he wasn't expecting from her but maybe it wasn't unexpected at all. It also wasn't a question he took lightly either which was why he gave it some thought before he answered her. “I don't think that I am,” and he didn't think he had been for awhile. He stayed because he’d work hard for the pack and to be where he was. Then there was Moonshadow and Chan, he couldn't leave them. He did love both Namid and Vespertio and his loyalty to them had only grown in the time he’d been in the cove. “You make it better for me though.” She did as she always had, she was that bright star when his darkness what been at it's worse and now spending time with her he could forget everything else.

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What if he had refused? What if she took him for granted?

It was a sudden, icy fear, gripping her with cold hands and holding her still—that old reminder that just because she suffered, it didn't mean that no one else didn't. Just because she cared for him, strong like a fire, did not mean that he knew, if she didn't tell him. Guiltily, she flattened her ears to her head as he jumped up next to her. She hadn't done much to show him how happy she was to be around him again—hadn't told him he was the only reason she had bothered to come back at all. If he hadn't been here.. she would've stayed in Charred Ash Draw, and just gone home to let her parents know. Surely, if they had let Ismena go, they would let her go? (No, the thing in her mind said, they wouldn't, you're too precious, too stupid, too unskilled—you wouldn't last a fortnight and they know it, so they would've kept you, and also because they let Ismena go they won't have anything if you go too—)

She wished Ismena was there, so she could ask her why she had left. Had it only been that desire to see the world, or had she, too, felt suffocated? But why? She'd always gone off like she wanted, courageous and capable. She hadn't been caged, right?

Kajika's star-shadow fell across her, followed by a kiss to her head, and his muzzle brushing across her cheek. It tingled where the silver hairs had stirred, and one of her paws flexed. It had felt..strange. Not bad, just unfamiliar—not him, but the reaction. Her tail defied her sullen mood and thumped against the rock a few times.

The length of his warm side pressed against her spine. She liked the cold spring mornings. She wasn't sure she liked winter, but she liked the clarity of the chill. She heaved a small sigh into the silence, letting him mull over the question, but pressing slightly against him. She.. she desperately wanted an answer, and a particular one, but she had had weeks to think about it. He hadn't, probably; how could he have expected the question? The cold, distant stars shone into her eyes. What different futures, different possibilities, lay beyond them..? Lunette closed her eyes. She could feel his pulse. His breathing. She could hear the small sounds of his body. She was content to let him think.

When he finally answered, she opened her eyes again. Her heart was racing treacherously in her chest, demanding she leap up and play-bow to him and say let us run away, then, abandon this place!—to elope with him, somewhere different, someplace new. Maybe the Draw, maybe even further, a place she hadn't seen even in her wildest dreams. Yet she remained motionless, sick with the sudden surge of adrenaline and possibility, fighting to keep her breaths from trembling. When he spoke again, she tipped her head back to press her neck against him, offering up a low whine. You make everything better, too.

But where was Des? Shouldn't she be the one to make him happy? She shouldn't even entertain the idea of him wanting to leave the Cove with her.. he was bound to someone else already, wasn't he? Maybe she had just taken a trip to sort her head, just like he had.

Just like I did.

But damn her heart was speeding. "Why aren't you happy here?" she managed to ask without stuttering, swallowing her plans for a later time. While she had begun to trust that he truly wanted to be around her—appreciated her, even—daring to think that he might want to change his life to be with her was too far off. Maybe he'd be angry if she even suggested it. Maybe he'd get up and leave her alone. She swallowed slightly, and waited.

With her it was the same struggle he'd had with Des, why couldn't he tell her exactly how he felt about her. Kajika knew how close her come when he'd whispered into her ear but he had chickened out. Maybe he feared she didn't feel the same as he did it maybe he worried that he was completely wrong in the way he felt and he was worried about hurting her. He didn't think that was true, everything inside of him told him he had no doubt in the way he felt about her.

The joy it brought him every time he’d seen her and the way he felt when he brushed her cheek or pulled her close. The way she never left his mind even when he was busy with a whole list of things to do. If anything he was sure about her And what she meant to him.

He was glad to have her back and he hoped for good but he worried now that she had gotten her feet wet in adventure she would go just as her sister had. The question she asked only further worried him that one day she would be gone and she wouldn't return. Still he gave it the thought that it deserved. He never wanted to lie to her or not tell the full truth as he had kept from Moonshadow for so long. Lunette was different and he intended to let her know he just hadn't figured that out yet. Those three words that he had wanted to say to Des weren't that easy to say out loud of course. He'd missed his chance with Des to tell her and didn't want to miss that chance with Lunette but he felt this wasn't the time.

As he thought it over he felt her press into him, he noted that it felt differently to him than it had before. Finally telling him that he didn't think he was happy in the cove anymore. At least he wasn't as happy as he once had been. How could he be when so much had happened and here in the cove was where the memories of it all. The question now was why did he stay if he wasn't happy?

While Des was gone he still had Lunette and Moonshadow and the the responsibility of Anaia to worry about. Little Chan was another responsibility that he had having made a promise to make sure nothing happened to the boy if something happen to him. He couldn't just up and leave though sometimes he'd thought about it but he couldn't do that, he cared too much got the wolves of the cove to abandon him.

She wanted to know why he felt unhappy in the cove, a deep sigh left him pressing his side even more firmly against her. “It's not what it once was, I know it's changed in the past and I grew accustomed but with Des's death, Moonshadow's attack, and Neha's pregnancy it just doesn't have the same feeling it once did.” While his time away had given him clarity to his feelings about the women in his life he worried it might have changed his opinion of the cove as well. “When I found out you were missing I was afraid I wouldn't see you again,” he admitted quietly, “With how I've been feeling about the cove I wanted you to be there to make it better.”

He didn't mind the times when they would sit quietly together or the times when he was explaining something to her or their adventures. It was the time he spent with her that he could forget about everything else and concentrate on her. “Are you not happy here?” He returned the question because he needed to know.

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So apparently Neha sort of... got knocked up and disappeared, so please ignore most of Lunette's mental ramblings about Neha and replace it with "my sister is a big fat ho and a coward".

Her heart felt swollen, infected; it was growing in her chest, speeding crazily but not going straight. She felt sick. Mercilessly, the adrenaline flooded her—invaded every corner of her body, until she wasn't sure she'd be able to hear him over the thunder of her heart. Her throat felt too tight. The stars were too bright. She swallowed loudly, and closed her eyes to spare them, but the vertigo continued in the darkness. Damn, all she'd asked was why he wasn't happy here—why Des couldn't fix him and why she had gone and why.. why everything. What she hadn't asked was will you change your life for me? but she might as well have. Two birds with one stone. She didn't want to go through this again.

In the vast emptiness of the Wildwood she had finally been able to stand her own body. She had been able to appreciate the flex and pull of her muscles, the harshness of her own breath in her throat, her teeth sinking deep into flesh—she hadn't been afraid of her adrenaline. She'd wanted it. She had craved it. She had found it, veering through the trees, stretching out along happenstance paths, little roads between the trees. She could've run for days, but here, the world ended.

She had returned, and in the time since, the muscle had faded from her body. The unconscious grace and certainty of her steps had been replaced with a lowered head, her skittish nature, and the way she, meekly, faded into shadows.

And now, she held her dreams in her mouth, but they were fragile glass, and she was afraid the rattling of her jaws might break them.

Face it, you're nothing to him.

Then why was his side pressed so firmly against her spine? Why was he here, in the starry darkness, and not somewhere else, with his precious Desideria?

It was cruel of her, that spiteful, bitter child, but she had always envied the wolf who had captured Kajika's heart. The worst of it was that Lunette had never really gotten a good grasp on her, so she had never been able to figure out if she was truly okay with it, or if.. if she thought she was better, but that was laughable. Lunette was a pathetic excuse of a wolf; why would anyone like her? Besides, she was young, just a stupid little child—

“It's not what it once was, I know it's changed in the past and I grew accustomed but with Des's death, Moonshadow's attack, and Neha's pregnancy it just doesn't have the same feeling it once did.” It was if somebody punched her in the head, and left her floating in her own oblivion and brains; Des was dead? Moonshadow had been attacked? And of course, her sister's shameful behavior, but she had taken herself and ran off god knows where, so that was all fine and dandy. Her only regret was not telling Neha to her face what a pompous ass she was.

She had opened her eyes again, and opened her mouth, but no words came out. Why.. why hadn't anyone told her about this? Had they thought someone else would? She bit her lower lip and pushed up with her front legs, until she sat awkwardly and looked down at his black neck. "I didn't know about Des," she said quietly, ignoring his question for now. Her heart was still thrumming wildly, but now it was saying things she really didn't want to hear. She couldn't be happy another wolf was dead—honestly, she wasn't—but it definitely made her not want to ask him to leave with her. He.. he was probably too muddled from grief. Best not trust too much in what he said in these times. "I'm sorry."

She shouldn't—she really shouldn't, but she still did. She bent a little over him, and buried her nose in the soft fur just behind his ear. The last thing she wanted was to take advantage of his grief. She sighed, then inhaled his scent, and straightened up again. Part of her wanted to go back to lying down and staring at the world sideways, and part of her wanted to sit there, maybe take a few steps away, and consider this new turn of events.

She did neither, just sat there with her lower back pressed against him, and figured that maybe, maybe, she could entrust him with the truth.

"I'm not happy here, no," she said, quietly. Her voice sounded so small in the vastness of the world—the mountains swallowing her whole. "I.. grew into this, and I didn't know anything else. But then I did, and..." She shrugged, helplessly. She had changed, not when she was away, but when she came back; her spine had twisted under the pressure, but instead of conforming, it made her angry.

She didn't want to live like this anymore.

A million times in the past weeks while searching for her and then finding her at their borders and now as she was laid against him he’d asked himself if it was right to feel the way he did about her. There were many times he'd considered their age difference and thought he was much too old for her, how could she even think about him as anything more than a friend. How could it be so wrong for them to feel as they did about one another if it felt right to him? Then he wasn't completely sure she did feel the same as he did and he could be reading it all wrong.

He could blame his feeling toward Lunette on his grief over Des's death but that would he a lie, he'd known by the time he had come back to the cove. It was only a matter of admitting them to himself. That had taken place over the many days he'd searched for her, how could he feel so desperate to find her and not have feel so strongly about her, he'd almost told her the days she'd returned. Like so many times in the past he'd had the opportunity and let it slip away with Des and now Lunette.

Was it because he never knew how they had truly felt about him that kept his mouth sealed when it came to those words? He didn't know but he surely needed to find out, he couldn't have the same thing that happened with Des happen with Lunette.

The question she'd asked him felt like it had come out of nowhere and had been something he had to think hard about before giving her an answer. His answer was no he wasn't happy in the cove any more but he had to also ask himself if he been happy since Des had disappeared the first time. He'd realized only a few months ago that he had put off grieving for her when she'd disappeared then, thought he was happy until he wasn't. He'd left the cove because he couldn't be there anymore,he needed to get away. Was that solely because of Moonshadow or was it the many tragic memories that haunted him every day?

He'd given her a truthful answer because he wouldn't lie to her. Of all the wolves in the cove he felt he could be himself completely because he didn't feel that he needed to hide anything from her. It saddened him that there were things he hid from Moonshadow since she was is best friend. How would she react if she knew how he felt about the silver girl sharing the rock shelf with him? As she moved his eyes followed her movements, “I should have told you sooner,” he admitted looking down at his large black paws. “I’m sorry that I didn't...It was while you were away...I found her,” he added speaking in fragments. Her apology brought his gaze from his paws to her, “Thank you, Lunette,” he said quietly.

When she pressed her nose into the the fur at the base of his ear he brushed his muzzle along her shoulder. It was hard to lose someone he cared so much about but no matter what he felt for Lunette she was and always had been a comfort. He never had to talk when he was with her if he didn't feel like it that day and when he did tell she would listen to anything he had to say. For the moment with her back pressed against his side he was content.

At least he was until she admitted that she too was not happy in the cove which only lead to the question of why. Then she explained a little more though it was vague and left him with more questions, “What is it you found out there that makes you so unhappy here?” He asked turning his head to look at her. Kajika had also realized the importance of this moment, for the first time she had easily answer a question that he'd asked her.

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She had spent her entire childhood devaluing herself, and especially in the eyes of others. Her every thought had been scathing and biting. Why would they care about you, a miserable, helpless, pathetic child? She hadn't mastered any of the arts Ismena had excelled at. She hadn't liked to run. She hadn't liked to hunt. Sometimes, she hadn't even wanted to eat because what she ate had been a living, breathing thing, but she had forced bite after bite down her gullet because it was what the pack expected of her.

It had taken many trips before she had allowed herself to believe the possibility that Kajika might genuinely want to spend time around her, and wasn't doing it just because it was his duty as a pack wolf. She had, slowly, learned about Moonshadow (not the whole truth, just bits of it—). She had learned about Des. She had learned about the darkness pulling Kajika in, and devouring him bit by bit. She had been helpless to do anything.

She had been happy when Des returned. She had been afraid when Des returned. She had been sad when Kajika had left. And.. she still didn't know why she had jumped down the mountain that day. Maybe it was just a desperate action, the sum of everything that had happened—the lynx, her mother, Kajika and Des... Or, maybe, and this one she was ashamed of, she had wanted to become better. She had wanted to be someone who could be an equal to Kajika, as Des had been.

And now everything was all wrong and strange and she was a spitting, restless creature who was not at all the little girl he'd taken on adventures. She didn't know who she was, and it scared her.

"Don't worry," she whispered in the darkness, suddenly distressed by the whole thing—Des was dead and here she was nosing his neck and he was nosing her shoulder and obviously, obviously it hurt him so much that she whined. It couldn't be easy to lose what you had already lost once, to have it taken from you forever so soon after it had come back. She swallowed. This was what would happen if she left again, wasn't it? If she went somewhere without him...

But how could she, ever? He was the reason she had returned. He was her everything. He.. he was everything he had been when she was a child, and so much more besides. No one had talked to her about these things. She had thought it was something that would fade, because her body would be too tired to keep up with the response to his presence, or just because she would realize it was embarrassing (because gosh Lunette, who would ever like you?).

It hadn't. It had changed, yes, but not disappeared. It had changed in pace with her.

So she sat there, acutely aware of how messed up it was, and acutely aware of how impossible it was to stop or deny. She bit her lower lip and stared into the star-strewn darkness. What was it that she had found out there? "Happiness," she whispered, her voice fragile as glass. She let it hang in the air for a moment. She didn't dare look at him now. She didn't dare, because if she did, she might not be able to say anything at all, afraid to hurt him or scare him or.. or anything. Afraid he'd ask about the monster, which still lived in her, but was half-drowned in the cascade of her seething fury. "I found.. a different way of being," she went on after a moment. She shouldn't have thought about the monster. It was twisting through her soul, telling her to shut up because why would he want to hear this?

He had asked but it might just have been to humor her. "I could stand without their gazes breaking my back." And then, she caved in, and tilted her silver head down to look at him. She was young and she was afraid and she was using her anger as substitute for everything—courage, pride, stubbornness...

It wouldn't work in the long run.

There is a rabbit's nest nearby. +1 Health