Quaking Vale while wilted roses filled the stage and the thrill is gone

AW for the angst train~ special mention for @Niles. Inspired by the "Last Hint of Green" skin.

It was almost as though one could feel the approach of autumn in the very air. The leaves of the Vale were already orange, but outside the territory, they were changing. Some were even falling off the limbs already. Temperatures were cooling down, clouds were beginning to gather, and many species of birds were starting to make their journey south, where it would be warm all year long. But not the wolves; no, the wolves here were built for freezing temperatures. Their dense fur and solid bodies insulated them so that they wouldn't turn into wolf-sicles.

Perhaps, if she were healthy, Cas' own body would protect her in that way, too.

She wasn't feeling too very achy or painful, as she would in the colder months to come. It was still there, but it wasn't unbearable. Honestly, staying in the Vale with all the oranges and whites painting the landscape, it was almost easier to just pretend the seasons weren't changing at all. Summer had been so wonderful, after all, and Cas never wanted to think about the future. Unless, of course, she was imagining a perfect future. One where she and Niles would grow old together and have many puppies, and Cas would have left some type of significant impact on the world. She almost felt like she had, with Quaking Vale, but there was no doubt in her mind that the pack would be fine without her in it. So, when she died, she wasn't worried about the wolves she was leaving behind.

The full weight of... well, of everything had not yet hit her. At least, not until she was walking along through some of the underbrush along the Vale's edge and noticed the color of the ferns and grasses. Instead of the luscious, vibrant green that Castel so adored, they were brown and dry. The only exception she could spot was one leaf on the bush, sticking up to reach toward any sort of sunlight it could reach in some futile attempt to cling to life.

Kind of like you, huh?

It was as though the thought was her breaking point. The point where she realized that things were not okay. This whole leader thing was a farce. Cas wasn't strong, or brave, or powerful. She wasn't smart, capable, or invincible. She wasn't even healthy. All that she was accomplishing was lying to her mate, her pack, and herself. Because the reality of it all was that all this year had been - a long list of lasts. Her last summer. Her last spring. Time was approaching what would be her last autumn and her last winter. Her last first love.

There would always be a last.

All of a sudden, every ache in her body became magnified, and she had to sit because her legs were shaking too hard to stand up. Her breathing picked up without her permission, and tears burned the back of her eyes. Her heart pounded in her chest, and soon she was crying. All over a stupid leaf, and a stupid body, and a stupid lie to herself that things could get better. The truth of the matter was that it wasn't okay - she wasn't okay, and the world was going to keep on spinning long after she passed on, and everyone would forget about her.

And that was the part that frightened her so badly.

(This post was last modified: Sep 20, 2017, 12:02 AM by Castel.)

Niles had been so preoccupied in the past month that he was almost on autopilot at this point. Every morning he would rise and check the caches, scout the borders closest to his sleeping place (his so-called "watch post" on the southern end of Quaking Vale's territory), follow the trails of his pack mates until he found Castel's most recent jaunt. On occasion (perhaps once a week), he scavenged and ate; and, what he did not eat, he either shared with his mate and Leader or buried for the pack or puppies to find as a mid-day snack. Every afternoon, he would shadow her (sometimes for five minutes, other times, he would follow her for five hours). Then, every evening, he laid down to rest. He would watch the sky change from blue to orange to magenta to pink and back to blue until it became black. On good nights, he stayed awake past midnight, just listening to the world around him; on the contrary, weary and beat down to the bone, he merely curled up and went to sleep. Today, he figured, would be a bad one.

For as long as he dared, he trailed his sprite of a mate through the forest, feeling uneasy and wondering if he ought to fully engage her with something they could do - like old times. While her status change (promotion to Quaking Vale's female Leader) had not changed anything between them, it had instilled within him an innate need to protect her, to constantly keep her happy, to do anything to assist her in her duties of rallying the pack. So far, all he had done was be the ever-present shadow at her back, a bodyguard of sorts (which was something Castel almost never needed).

From his makeshift post behind a particularly spindly sapling with bright yellow leaves, Niles watched as Castel folded. Yes, it was about time for him to intervene. Even from yards away, he swore he could have felt her pain as if it were his own - that her cries were sobs also coming from his chest. Heavy black paws carried him forward and, as soon as she was within reach, he sat down with a thump beside her. He craned his head downward and planted silent kisses to her temple, dipping down twice to graze his tongue across the side of her petite muzzle.

"Shh, shh," he hushed her under his breath. "I'm here."

we can say goodbye, just head home, but if we're going to be alone
Chimera is currently traveling with Niles and may hop into this IC thread!

-comes in 15 minutes late with Starbucks- Congrats on marriage! <3

It hadn't really mattered who came up to her at the moment, or for what reason. She probably would've just buried her face in their fur and cried it out - even if it was that jackass Larkspur. But when her nose came into contact with solid black fur and the familiar, comforting scent of her mate, she couldn't help but feel ever-so-slightly relieved. Still, it did little to stop the young wolf from sobbing as he pressed kisses to her face that she kept trying to burrow deeper into his fur, despair overwhelming her for the first time in a long, long time.

Cas had missed him desperately over the past few months since the rank change, and then their declarations of love for one another. It felt so... weird now, and even though nothing had changed - not really, - the small wolf couldn't help but notice that Niles had been treating her differently. She needed his presence, yes, but not as a shadow. She wanted him there, by her side, and not following behind and alienating her like he had been. Or, at least, how she felt he'd been. She had needed him to be there with her, in this moment, and he came, and she couldn't have asked for anything more perfect. Or more finalizing.

She barely had the state of mind to realize that her chest was ballooning in and out far too quickly, on the verge of a panic attack. Air, air. She couldn't get enough air. Leaning away from him for just a moment to inhale a few gasping, desperate breaths in an attempt to soothe her fear, the young alpha was able to fend off a full-blown anxiety attack. And then, trembling, she rested her head back onto his fur, this time tipping her muzzle to the side so that she could breath the fresh, almost-autumn air.

"It hurts," she whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut tightly and pressing further into her loved one. "Everything... everything hurts, Ni..." It was difficult for her to admit to it, but gods above did she ever hurt. Every part of her, in that moment, was so achy and exhausted and terrified that she didn't know what else to do.

There is a family of deer nearby. Hunt Opportunity

<3!

She continued to cry, leaning into him at first before fully burying herself into his side and chest. Her anguish radiated from her, hung in the air, permeating through his pelt and into the very depths of his being. Then, guilt... shame... as she drew away to catch her breath. He hushed her further, the word breathe clinging to his teeth unsaid and unbidden. Telling her what to do probably wouldn't help; he, himself, didn't even have a full grasp on what had happened to her, with them, with the pack, or otherwise.

Ears slicked back, he saw as she quieted, still quivering as she leaned back against him. He shifted a bit, inching his forepaws forward and adjusting the angle at which his body met hers. With him being so tall and her being, well, so small, he could only assume that him moving some would make it a little more comfortable for her. The shoulder she was pressed up against relaxed and he tenderly combed his teeth through the fur atop her crown, messing it up then smoothing it over with his tongue in a few passes.

Worry began to take root as she admitted to him that everything hurt. A flashback to that day in the snow-covered rye fields made itself clear at the forefront of his mind and he winced. His tail swept across the ground and curved towards her; if it had been possible, he might have draped it fully over her like a blanket. "Just rest for a bit then," he murmured, nudging one of those shaking ears. At his back, a family of deer stared at them from a distance. If Niles hadn't been preoccupied, he also would have given those sapling-legged onlookers a piece of his mind; this moment was for them. Only for them. "You cold?"

we can say goodbye, just head home, but if we're going to be alone
Chimera is currently traveling with Niles and may hop into this IC thread!

Niles' anxious grooming and wrapping around her certainly helped Cas to feel better - even if only a bit. She pressed herself fully into him, burying her smaller body into his fur. She hummed lightly in agreement when he told her to rest - that wasn't such a bad idea. Apparently, being alpha was taking its toll on her more than she had initially thought. Not necessarily in a physical way, but in an emotional way. Not to say that the physical strain wasn't tremendous - because it was. It was simply that she had been so distanced from her mate and so unable to think about and focus on herself. And she needed to do that. "I'm not cold - just hurting."

"Do you not want to know why?" she murmured. It wasn't in an accusing way - not at all. It was more in the way that she was wondering how he wasn't curious. How he could simply take it in stride - let her have her secrets. Her secrets that she wasn't sure she wanted to keep any longer. At the very least, she didn't want to have to deal with all of it on her own anymore. She lapped gently at the fur on his shoulder, busying herself with something to do. Pressing gentle kisses as if to reassure him.

Because Niles was going to have to live without her one day. It was a simple, plain fact of life. One that neither of them could change or manipulate in the slightest. She wondered if he knew that - if he understood that she was unwell and that she wasn't ever going to be well again. Not that she'd been well in the first place, but still. It was about to get bad again, and she didn't know if either of them were prepared at all for it. If even the pack was prepared for it.

She wasn't cold. That was good. Niles could at least exhale a bit in relief. Though, as she cooed a whispered a question to him, he lapped his tongue over her brow before dipping his head down so that he could see her. He ended up just sliding his whole torso down so that he could lay next to her, sphinx-style. He laid his head on the grass, staring up at her with concerned gray eyes. Honestly, being a guy and all, he hadn't even considered why he never bothered wondering more about Castel - about what made her tick, how she had gotten here, why she had gone with Sahalie, why she seemed to have been having all these bouts of soreness... Half of the reason, he figured out on a whim was that part of him had been desensitized to it all. Elettra had always been coming and going when others in the Ridge were sick or injured and caring for Angier had taught him a lesson he might not have learned until Larkspur had grown old and feeble or someone in the pack had fallen ill.

In a sense, Niles had learned early on that vulnerability was not weakness. That even the strong and energetic had 'off' days. He himself had his own workaround type of system just to keep others at a distance and certain few close. As for Castel, though, as he considered all those times he had been with her when she had been 'sickly,' he quirked a brow.

"Why what?" he asked, his own voice soft and quiet.

we can say goodbye, just head home, but if we're going to be alone
Chimera is currently traveling with Niles and may hop into this IC thread!

Cas slid down into a prone position next to him, curling tightly against his side and allowing her head to rest on his forepaw. If she was honest, she had been curious to learn more about Niles for a long time now, and she wanted him to know everything about her. Or, well, as much of everything that he would be able to understand. Because so many wolves didn't know what a human or a dog or a cage was, and Castel did. And they had been such a huge, terrible part of her life...

"Why I'm sick. Why I'm here in the first place. Where I came from..." she offered, sweeping her tongue gently across his cheek. "I haven't told you much about me. I think it's about time you learn a few things."

Blue eyes drifted closed momentarily before she opened them back up and took a deep, steadying breath. She pressed her muzzle to his and smiled. "First of all, do you know what a human is?" If he did, then she would carry on with her story as planned. If he did not, she would go on to explain that they were kind of like huge, smart, ugly, featherless birds.

Those tall black ears came forward now, fully trained on her. Never had he ever considered that Castel was sick; prone and sensitive to the cold and to bouts of fever, maybe, but never (fully) "sick" sick. His head slightly canted to one side, a brow partially quirking upward when she said that it was about time for him to know some things - to learn more about her. No one might have pointed out that Niles truly was his father's son before, but in this moment, the statement was undoubtedly true. He probably could have been more observant, made his own mental notes, and cast before her his own concerns instead of merely following along just as Angier had after Elettra.

Her eyes closed and Niles patiently waited. He smiled in return as she nuzzled him. To her question, though, he shook his head. His own father and his grandparents had seen humans once before, when the Bertam Valley pack had needed to relocate further away from hunting grounds. Frankly, it had never occurred to Angier (or even Borden) to relay the information about the naked and ugly two-footed creatures to their cubs - both had believed that the reaches of Relic Lore was well and far enough away for their bloodlines to never come in contact with hunters and poachers ever again (and they had been right).

Behind him, his coal-black tail idly wagged, eager to listen as she continued...

we can say goodbye, just head home, but if we're going to be alone
Chimera is currently traveling with Niles and may hop into this IC thread!

Castel sighed when he urged her to continue, and decided to start from the beginning, as it were. It seemed appropriate. "I've always been a... weaker wolf," she explained, closing her eyes and cuddling into Niles' side. "It was something I inherited from my mother, though I do think she was worse off than I have ever been. She died along with the rest of my littermates not long after we were born."

"I grew up in something called a cage. It was like... like being in a sort of hole. Trapped, and unable to move or escape. My father was in a separate cage, with a new mate, and had their own puppies. Half-siblings of mine that were sold to other human beings - big, hairless creatures that stand on two legs like bears do sometimes. I couldn't be sold because of my being so weak."

"When I was about a year old, I decided that I wanted more than just living in a tiny space. While my father was asleep with his mate and a litter of their puppies, I dug from underneath the cage and got out. Then I found the Lore and you and everything is better now," she finished her story, tail swishing gently across the ground as she waited for Niles to respond. She couldn't help but be concerned over it. "It's not a fun story, I know."