Wild Rye Fields I did my time, and I want out

Angst time for @Reyes

Something had changed.

As to what or even when, Askan wasn't entirely sure. From atop the Lookout the field looked the same as it always did, or at least that was the case at first glance. The changes were subtle, so much so that even Askan had a hard time seeing them. But his eyes were sharp and no one knew territory quite like he did. The rye, that had once been tall and vibrant, was now dry and brittle. It no longer seemed like a golden ocean that swayed and danced to the tune of the wind. Rather, it seemed like a graveyard with thousands of stalks as headstones.

But there was more to it then that.

Seasons came and went, and the world moved with them. Askan wasn't bothered by the weather, it was something more than that. Like there was a pit inside of him that kept getting deeper and darker. It was a a strange, obscure sense of not quite sorrow, but close. A feeling of monachopsis, that to Askan, had seemingly come out of nowhere.

This was his home, he loved it here, he had shed blood and tears in his attempts to make it work and yet...He swallowed thickly as he stared at the darkening horizon. Had it all amounted to nothing? Why did he feel as though it was all withering before him? And worse yet, why did he feel so hollow?

The familiarity of this place had once felt so soothing, but now it felt like a noose around his throat. So many wolves came and went, and in the end he couldn't help but wonder if they had the right idea all along. He had spat their names like curses, called them moochers and deserters but perhaps he was cut from the very same cloth. He'd done it once before, what was to stop him from doing it again?

His eyes stung at the thought and he raised a paw to swipe at his face. He was so tired and the world around him seemed so dark and grey. Maybe he was due a change after all.

“Hey, mi amor. What’s eating you?”

Askan, for all his many strengths and loveable features, was as readable as an open book – as storm clouds complete with lightning strikes – as snow as it fell down from the sky. Even as the dark wolf loped up lazily behind his lover, he could see the it in the way his shoulders rolled and his tail hung. It was even in his ears. He’d not say as much – Askan would get pissy, or worse, accuse of him being sappy and ridiculous – but instead trotted up to his side, nibbling on his haunches before brushing their muzzles together.

That, at least, was a constant in this bizarre world.

It’s not like Reyes’ mood had been great lately, either. Even since the fallout of the Inna + Lorcan visit, he’d…kept to himself, more than usual. Askan, of course, and Cotton before he disappeared. Aleksei too, and Neko sometimes, but that was only out of a sense of responsibility.

But he was doing that thing he started doing, after Askan got attacked. Getting stuck in his own head, his own thoughts. Reyes gave himself a full body shake, his thickening winter coat rippling across his sides and back before he bumped into his mate. “Walk with me.”

REYES | Dead man walking.

Kana has a potty mouth

For all his big bulk, Reyes still somehow managed to move just as silently as an owl in flight.

If it had been anyone else, the Selwyn would have no doubt snapped at them.But it was Reyes, his mate and his love, and so he would never deny his company. Unless he was in a really really bitter mood, but that was aside the point.

Rumbling in greeting, Askan pressed against him with a sigh. Was he that easy to read? He should have seen it coming really, no one knew him quite like Reyes did. Even months ago, when winter still gripped the land, he'd had no trouble picking up on Askan's moods. It was a blessing in disguise really, one he'd taken for granted up until that moment.

Nodding, Askan pushed himself to his feet and followed Gabriel, as he crossed the summit of the Lookout. From these heights the world seemed so small, so insignificant. Funny, he'd always thought the same when he stood upon the mountains too.

His thoughts were all so tumultuous that Askan found it hard to find a place to start. What was he supposed to say? To just blurt it out, like he usually did? He huffed again in frustration as he kicked a pebble down the hill. As he watched it roll and bounce, he felt an odd sense of satisfaction when it vanished from his sight, like it had offended him somehow.

"It's complicated. But I guess-to cut to the chase I'm pissed."Which of itself wasn't unusual, he was Askan after all. But there was far more to it than that, and it was eating him from the inside out."I've been here from the very start. When Drestig picked me up it was just us for a while. The Old Man and his family and that was it. And it was good .Then more people showed up and the workloads increased but I was okay with that, I like helping, you know? But time and time again they kept fucking leaving-after I brought them here!"

He spat, particularly resenting that note. Like it was his fault somehow, like he wasn't good enough. At that moment it certainly felt that way, deep in the back of his mind he couldn't help but fear that all of this had been his own doing. That he'd driven them away with his frosty demeanour and mean looks.

"And the Old Man, he hasn't done shit about it. I called for them the other day, wanted to talk about it before winter-cause you know how that's gonna work out,right?"His tail lashed as his hackles stood on end."But nothing...Ignored, snubbed. Whatever, who cares about what Askan thinks, all brawn no brain. Stupid as a bunch of fucking rocks!"Jessie's words still lingered, like old festering wounds.

Then the fire within him was snuffed out and his shoulders sagged, his tail curled between his legs and he looked down at his paws.

"I can't...do this anymore Gabe."He admitted. And like the weak man he was, he leaned into his mate's shoulder, craving the comfort only he could provide.

Oh, yeah. Askan definitely needed this walk.

They tread in silence for a bit, only the crunching of dead and dying Rye beneath them – and a few minutes later, the tirade came forth. Everything that had built up inside his lover’s ribcage just bubbling free. Things he’d thought for some time and never said, because Askan loved Wild Rye Fields, and Askan had loved the Old Man like a father; but parents weren’t perfect, were they? Mama Reyes was a testament to that. And maybe his mate just hadn’t had that experience growing up, his own blood relationships were different, and that was okay.

The gamma hummed quietly, rolling his shoulders as he tried to organize his thoughts from something acidic and burning, a blinding streak of his native tongue, to something he could actually communicate and expect Askan to understand. “Hey, listen to me, Askan.” He stopped, turning to make sure the younger wolf was actually looking at him. “You ain’t stupid. She was mad and full of shit, and I told her off then – if I thought for a second you wouldn’t mind getting kicked out, I would have had a whole lot more to say. You did what you thought was right. She didn’t agree, but there ain’t a reason in the world to treat a loyal subordinate like that. Ever. You hear me?”

Gabriel paused – do this anymore? “What does that mean, mi luna? Tell me what that means.”

REYES | Dead man walking.

Askan's ear flicked when his mate asked for his attention. He had it and would always have it but even so-just to be crystal clear- he nodded, signalling for him to continue. Looking at Reyes wasn't exactly a chore either, more often than not he found himself doing it anyway without even meaning to. But as of then, he found it hard for he feared what Reyes would see in his eyes. Cowardice? Shame? Resentment?All were equally as horrifying.

He knew Reyes was right, that Jessie had spoken out of line, that the situation had gotten wildly out of hand but more importantly it wasn't all his fault. No matter how much the Rye Queen had tried to make it seem so.

Nudging his mate's chin, Askan rumbled. He wanted to thank him, for only he could take some of the weight from his shoulders. But it still wasn't enough, this place didn't feel right anymore. Too much had changed.

"I hear you."Was all he said to that. Anything else would be overkill.

Sighing, Askan's puff of breath ruffled the guard hairs along his mate's neck. Even then he was getting all fluffy, a thick coat in preparation for the coming winter. Askan was growing his out as well, but in comparison to Reyes' he always felt like his was more bland. Just muddy brown with the occasional dusting of a lighter colour he hadn't quite yet figured out the name of. Was it grey or tan? Greyan? He had no idea, nor did it really matter.

He didn't want to make Gabriel worry, but it seems as though he'd gone ahead and done that anyway.

"It means...this place doesn't feel like home anymore."He admitted, his voice quiet and weak as though his throat was hurting."I just don't know why?Why now?"

There is a family of deer nearby. Hunt Opportunity

Gabriel grunted softly, taking a step forward to reach out, nip the side of his mate’s ear. There was no reason to go and look like that. This was an honest discussion. No feeling bad, that wasn’t the point. And if it ended with sourness and a bitter taste, then it wouldn’t happen again, surely; that wasn’t what the older wolf wanted at all. “Because it ain’t home, cabrón.” For him, it never was. The gamma made it work because Askan was here, and Askan needed it to work – and he needed wanted to be near Askan. “Because time changes all things, yeah? And we saw Jessie’s true colors.”

Drestig, well – he liked him. He did. There was something kinda paternal about the guy, but his choice in mate? Maybe it was different between the two of them. Surely, he was different with Askan than he was any other wolf on the entire planet. But he just couldn’t abide by calling a pack subordinate stupid. And he never would.

So yeah, it made total sense to him that it stopped feeling like Askan’s home. The dark wolf rumbled softly, bumping his shoulder into his mate’s. “How long you been feeling like this, anyways?”

REYES | Dead man walking.

Askan grunted and shot his mate a sour look for the ear tug. What was that for? Before he even had time to ask Reyes began to speak and once again his words carried an insurmountable weight.It was true, it this place didn't feel like home now but it once had been. He didn't want to just throw it all away when the going got tough. They didn't toss him out when he'd gotten hurt, when he'd mourned for all those long weeks. He owed them more than he could ever say and in turn felt duty bound to stay. But was that even the right thing to do?

His heart said no but his head was just a confusing flip-floppy indecisive mess. Yes, no, yes no, back and forth till it made his head ache.

Jessie wasn't a bad person, he'd never feel that way about her but his mate had a point. He had always known she was a little rough around the edges, but to hear that she still thought so low of him...Well, honestly it hurt. It still did and was-in part- one of the many reasons he wanted to stay. To prove her wrong, to show he wasn't what she thought he was.The thought of doing that though, of shoving his emotions aside like that, he wasn't sure he was strong enough. If he could even live like that, just pretending he was okay when he clearly wasn't.

Reyes no doubt would have thrown a fit if he tried.

"Not that long."He admitted with a shrug. "Do you think....they'll hate me when we leave?"

When rather than if. Had his mind already been made? Damn....Why did this have to be so hard?

"Just seems like history is repeating itself. Running away from my problems again. More wolves abandoning the field, again. When will it end, Gabe?"

“No.” Reyes had to stop and consider that answer for a minute. “The Old Man won’t – not if we say something to him before we go. Dunno about Jessie. She can be kinda…mercurial, and if speaking our minds was enough to get us on the Shit List…” The older wolf rolled his shoulders in a shrug. At one point, he had thought the Rye alpha was a bit like his own mother, but after the incident with the Hearthwood River scouts, well… Mama Reyes would have never said shit like that, no matter what sort of dumb stunt he pulled. No matter how angry he was. You didn’t punish loyalty with degradation. You just didn’t.

His ear flicked and his snout snaked out, biting Askan’s ear a second time. This time, his teeth came down a little harder. “Shut up. Don’t talk like that. I didn’t give my life away to this pack, and neither did you. I hunted, I guarded the border – never took a free ride, did my damn job, and didn’t like the treatment in return. That isn’t abandonment, Askan, that’s the freedom to move on. I’m not someone’s damn pet. If you didn’t leave, then what? Stick around and let it happen over and over?” Reyes raised a brow, his tail twitching behind him. “Tell me how taking the easy road, avoiding confrontation -- Tell me how that’s running away from problems?”

REYES | Dead man walking.

Maybe Drestig would reserve his judgement, but Askan couldn't help but fear that the same couldn't be said for Jessie. He didn't harbour resent towards her, as his mate did, but the die was cast and there was no turning back. If anyone was going to take this badly it would be her.

Askan hadn't anticipated that sort of reaction from his mate but once the deed was done he couldn't help but wonder if it was well deserved. Was he being stupid again? Reyes certainly made it seem so. But his fears were not so easily washed away, nor was the brief spark of annoyance as he swiped at his throbbing ear with a paw. He'd made his point loud and clear, but did he have to be so rough? Ouch.

"I know, I never said you were."He snapped, with more venom than he'd intended. He sighed and shook his head, willing away the rawness of it all. This wasn't befitting of him, and yet the sense of trepidation felt impossible to fend off. Like he was trying to chase his shadow.

"It's just hard, that's all. You know how I feel about change and..."He sighed again.

Damn, was this what he'd become? A hesitant and feeble mess? Screw that. He'd joined Drestig after a while of consideration and it seemed right that'd he'd leave that way too.This wasn't a spur of the moment choice and if anyone assumed it was then they didn't know him nearly as well as they thought.

"You're right, I hate to admit it but you are. So we leave then? Try and find greener pastures, just the two of us?"Because if there was one constant in his life, it was Reyes.