Grizzly Hollow Now I got you in my space I won’t let go [M]

For the lovely @Nineva

Elias wasn't stupid. After what he'd done he knew he couldn't go back to the Heights,  and hanging around the Willows didn't seem like a good idea either. And so he wandered the south, gradually heading north-west, at a complete and utter loss at what to do. At the time it hadn't seemed so bad- he'd been so eager to make up for his past transgressions- but now he could see that he had sinned. That @Ravenna had been toying with him and worse yet, had used him. Like he was something to be thrown away, tossed aside as if he no longer mattered.

Even if that hadn't been her intention, it hurt. He had been willing to give her everything, anything to make her smile and all she did was take and take till Elias wasn't even sure if he had anything left to give.

He limped along through the snow and slush with a  uncharacteristic grimace tugging at his lips. He didn't smell of her, not anymore, rolling in the snow had washed it all away but the feeling of guilt remained, clinging to his coat and infecting his mind. Such a stupid stupid boy, a fool masquerading as man. If anyone ever found out...they would all hate him. Heck, if his family could see him now...Did they feel shame as they looked down on him? Spite and anger. He had been warned, though one had ever outright explained spring to him, restraint and self control had always been expected of him. Elias was supposed to be better than this, wiser, and yet he had repeated the sins of his Father.

He was awful, scum of the earth.

Elias shuffled to a stop and blankly looked up at the tightly packed cedars and evergreens, his tail hanging limp behind him. Was this far enough? Would his sins follow him here too?

(This post was last modified: Mar 06, 2018, 08:03 PM by Elias.)

but it was a trick

and the clock struck twelve

The freedom tasted wondrous on her tongue. Her heat had set in as she had expected it to, a familiar struggle but this time, she could give in to her instincts. Would give in to her instincts, for despite not having a pack to assist in their nurturing, Nineva wanted children. They would be the start of the legacy she wanted to forge; a family that was hers, that she could protect without fearing others would corrupt and disappoint them, that she could teach to do right in the world.

And she would be lying if she said her mind hadn't already drifted toward Elias a time or two as a possible donor to give her desires life. He was large and strong in stature, despite his odd amputations, and possessed tenacity. His genes would do well with her own. There were plenty of reasons not to seek him out, however, and as she moved through the forest, leaving her scent like beacons upon the rough bark of the trees, Nineva decided she would let the ebb and flow of the universe decide. She wouldn't have anyone small or sickly, of course, but ultimately, the father would be inconsequential. The children would be hers alone.

But then, of course, he was there, like he always seemed to be. Down again, it would appear. She watched him, briefly wondering if her presence would only compound his worries.

Oh well.

Nineva slipped forward and made herself known.

"You're awfully far from home again."

In fact, he didn't smell of pack like he had before. Had his worries come true?

(This post was last modified: Mar 06, 2018, 10:49 PM by Nineva.)

They had to stop meeting like this, or at least that's what Elias would have thought if he knew what was good for him. The little spark of relief he felt in his chest made it evident that he did not, that he had changed very little in the time they had spent apart. As per usual Nineva cut right to the chase, her words were curt, but not unkind as she emerged from between the trees like a phantom. He took in the sight of her, the curves of her body and the cold, steely nature of her gaze. It appeared she hadn't changed that much either, perhaps Elias wasn't truly lost. Or so he could hope.

He sighed, long and airy, then his lips twitched up into a tight smile. Elias didn't want her to see him like this, to know he was so glum and gloomy, just like the last time they had met. But the weight upon his shoulders was hard to shift, he couldn't just shake it off and strive on as if nothing was wrong. Things were wrong, he'd done wrong and yet, Elias didn't have the nerve to tell her. The thought of those eyes, light and dark, staring at him with disgust and resentment was too much for him to stomach. He wouldn't lie, he didn't have it in him, but he wouldn't speak of his sins either. Saying them aloud would no doubt make them feel all the more real, overwhelming.

"Mmm, you know how it is. I worry and I- it all gets too much sometimes."He shrugged, not making a move to step any closer.

Elias might have screwed up but his nose still worked. Nineva smelled just as sweet, as tempting, as Ravenna had done that day. To get any closer would be...frankly, stupid. And yet he remained. She was his friend, right? He held the memory of their last meeting close to his chest, like a safety blanket. Nineva always knew what to say, what to do, he longed to be like her and would have done anything to call her conviction and strength his own. Alas, it was not to be. All he could do was bask in her glory and hope it rubbed off on him, even if only a little.

"And...you? Are you okay?" She had her own worries and grief, she needn't worry about him. Elias would be fine, he always was.

(This post was last modified: Mar 06, 2018, 09:39 PM by Elias.)

but it was a trick

and the clock struck twelve

Immediately there was a difference. He tried to smile, and she had to wonder how long it would take him to catch on that his attempt to don a mask only made things worse. Nineva had to guess that there was something worse crawling beneath his skin that before, or, perhaps, he did not want to repeat the last time? Maybe he was simply trying to avoid her lecturing, but that was an assumption that didn't sit well beneath her skull. Looking at him, with that fake smile and his strained gaze, she could feel it in her bones; he wasn't just concerned, he was suffering.

Nineva took a few deliberate steps toward him, crown lowering as her body instinctively tried to tell him that she meant no harm. It didn't quite reach her steely gaze, and her mouth was the same thin and stern shape it always took, but maybe he could perceive past that.

He turned the focus onto her, and she had to wonder if he was attempting to deflect or if there was really a reason he might think she wasn't alright. Did he think she might be struggling with the condition March had saddled her with? She certainly wasn't what one might label a damsel in distress. No matter if Zerxes himself was still out there, she could hold her own.

"I've an itch I can't scratch myself. It's a blast," she answered simply, more to brush away change of subject than to actually reassure him. Couldn't he see she was fine?

"How does your pack feel about you taking off when it gets too much?"

Was he pushing his luck? Or did he live in a mountainous version of the Hollow?

Elias remained where he was but Nineva did the exact opposite, she moved ever closer. There was something different in her stance, slow and careful as though she was doing her best not to spook Elias, not to send him running for the hills. It was a nice gesture, Elias supposed, and he could tell that this sort of behaviour didn't come naturally to the spectre- that she was born to stand tall, rather than stoop down low as Elias so often did. It was a strange sight, but Elias saw her effort for what it was, an attempt to make him feel better, to prove that she wasn't here to make his day any worse than it already was.

His tail swished behind him, slow and steady, as a smile-more earnest this time- appeared on his face. Nin was special, wasn't she? She always seemed to understand, could read him like an open book. It was nice, really, being understood for what he was and better yet she had never tried to change him, mould him into something he wasn't. He adored her, truly, with all he had and more.

And then she said she wasn't doing so well, and his expression dropped like a stone to the bottom of a lake.

"Ahhh, I'm so sorry Nin." He told her, empathetic, as though her discomfort was his own. She deserved so much better, he would have given her the sky if she asked...or would have died trying.

She had a point though, one that made Elias tilt his head in thought. "Well uh...Kyna is...She has a lot to deal with at the moment and I don't want to get under her paws. Her mate is away on business and she's- well...I'm not going to speak ill of her but you know... she's tense."He fumbled away through his sentences till he trailed off, feeling as though he'd spoken a lot but said very little.

"I just want to help so...if staying away for the time being even does a little, I'll be happy."He concluded, still not quite telling the truth.

He itched to move closer, to take in her scent and maybe steal a touch or two but- again, it occurred to him that it wasn't a good idea at all. He was strong and resolute, he could do this. Probably. Maybe? Unlikely.

but it was a trick

and the clock struck twelve

Sorry he said, but it really wasn't so bad. Annoying, certainly, but the flames would be cooled soon enough and then she would have what she wanted. The sacrifice was small.

Her ears perked forward as he gave her sparse details, committing it all to memory as the diplomacy in her future might call for any of it. That wasn't to say she was asking just for such information, however; she truly did care about his problem and anything that could help her help him. Was he simply a wolf always down on his luck without the direction to get himself out, or did he seek out and put himself in these positions? She'd have to find out.

Anyways, it sounded like a lot of drama. Which she was accustomed to, but also tired of, all thanks to her coming of age within this very forest. Was their struggling at least valid, or inflicted upon them? Or was there own incompetence and poor decision making wreaking havoc? She wished she knew whether to encourage Elias to fight the tide or pull himself from the waters altogether. He said he wouldn't believe in violence if it came to that, but what of the rest of it?

"Absence always hurts instead of helps," she spoke gravely, averting her gaze for a moment to survey their surroundings. Maybe that was why Tomen took off; his parents had done an excellent job of making him feel like nothing but a nuisance. She recalled the time he broke down, the only time he had taken for his own problems, and how much he had blamed himself for when in reality, none of it had anything to do with him. Yet here she was, standing alone atop the ashes of the Hollow because he had gone.

Well, that was unfair. Right now she wasn't alone alone.

"It's not good for you there, Elias. If it was, you'd be there now. Why stay? Why put yourself through this and hide the inevitable from them?"

Elias followed her line of sight as she gazed at the trees. To him they were just that, trees, but once he looked back at Nin he noticed that all was not as it seemed. It was slight, he wouldn't have even noticed it if they weren't standing so close but... there was an unmistakable sense of sadness in her eyes. One of longing and loss. He remembered the question she had asked him underground- have you never grieved?- and felt something akin to stabbing sensation in his chest. Nineva had been hurt by the absence of someone she cared for, that much was obvious. And this place was either part of it, or it reminded her of times she would rather forget. Elias couldn't tell, and didn't dare to ask which it was.

"I know," he said, softly.

He wanted to continue but it became apparent Nin had more to say. Her words brought a frown to his face. He opened his mouth to argue, to insist things weren't quite as bad as he made them out to be but- her words hit home. He was hiding things from them. From the start he had made it clear his purpose in the Lore was to look for Thuban, that he might not be here forever, but it was more than that. He had sinned over and over, if Kyna knew she would no doubt be as furious as a raging inferno. And Greer...Elias imagined he would see nothing but disappointment in those ghostly grey eyes of his. He liked to think he could sweep this all under the rug, pretend he'd never... done Ravenna, so to speak. But could he, the guilt was already eating away at him, chipping away at his consciousness. It hurt, Nineva was right, he was suffering.

"What would you have me do?" He asked, stepping a little closer to her. He didn't know what he wanted, let alone needed, but did she? He hoped so.

Elias pressed his forehead against her shoulder and sighed-rather indulgently breathing in her scent. It was almost fitting that he was born due to a mistake, a lapse of judgement, and here he was having done the exact same thing only days ago.

(This post was last modified: Mar 07, 2018, 04:58 PM by Elias.)

but it was a trick

and the clock struck twelve

In all honesty, she expected him to disagree with her, to dig up reasons why she was wrong and lay them out for her to either accept or refute. It was the kind of wolf he seemed to be, one that would rather accept excuses or blame himself than acknowledge the faults in others. Because it wouldn't be his fault that this pack was putting him through so much, that he couldn't align his heart with theirs. It might not be theirs either, or it could. But it certainly wasn't Elias'.

He didn't, however, and not only did his simple question catch her off guard in this aspect, but for once she didn't have an answer readily available for him. It was quite the large one, filled with moving pieces and intricate details that she was still blind to. Most of all, it shouldn't be her choice, and yet that was how he had phrased it: what would you have me do?

She didn't shy away from his touch, instead resting her long throat and muzzle atop his bowed neck as she thought. She'd gone a long time without the kind of touching that was once so commonplace, but inch by inch he was returning that familiarity to her. That comfort.

"I have an idea, you know," she finally broke the silence to say, her words a tad slower than normal, indicating that she was still thinking on what was to be said.

"It's more selfish than informed, however. It's by no means what you should do. You'd be the only one to know what's right, Elias. I don't know enough about what's going on to have something concrete for you. I have a possibility, though. A real one."

Though no one had been unkind to him during his stay in Relic Lore this was what Elias needed most of all: acceptance, comfort. Nineva could see his flaws as clear as day, heck, she'd even made a point to even draw attention to them, and yet she still remained. At times she could be blunt, maybe even a little bit mean but he never lied or tried to pull wool over Elias' eyes. She said things as they were, how she perceived them to be, and that was a trait Elias respected.

He half expected for her to pull away and be repulsed by his touch, but she did not. In fact, she did quite the opposite and held him in a soothing embrace, one that reminded him of home. He allowed his eyes to flit closed as he just revelled in the moment, the companionship she so generously offered. It was a bonus that she smelled wonderful, but it wasn't as if Elias was trying to cop a feel. She could have smelled of manure and he would have still wanted a cuddle, heck he wouldn't even have minded if he got some of it on himself. It would have been worth it in the end.

Finally, Nineva found her words. Elias opened his eyes and tipped his ears to listen, pulling away just a little so he could read her expression as she spoke. If she had an idea then Elias was all ears, he nodded, eager to hear what she had to say. Whatever it was it had to be better than what he had, jack squat. Rather than divulging her thoughts right away, Nin did something different that Elias marked as odd, she explained her reasoning and made it quite clear that it was a selfish thought. Strange.

And yet the prospect of something tangible and real... was leagues better than his hopes and fears, things that might never come to fruition. Elias decided he wanted to hear what she had to say.

"And...what is it? It doesn't involve hurting anyone does it?"Elias mumbled, only to feel a little silly for asking. "You know I don't like that sort of thing." He then amended, giving her shoulder a light bump. Surely she would understand.

but it was a trick

and the clock struck twelve

Elias was receptive, that was easily noticeable. Was he that much at a loss, or perhaps he trusted her that deeply already? Maybe it was both. She hoped she deserved whatever amount of faith he was putting in her. Nineva knew herself to be honest, only acted with conviction and never risked wronging others. Yet she had made mistakes before, and the wolves around her had shared the burden for them. She wasn't a wolf that let fear dictate her path in life, but she couldn't help but take a moment to hope silently that Elias would not be a casualty to her error.

He asked if she wanted him to hurt someone, and she snorted humorlessly. The man should know better than that. Still, it took another pause before she was ready to speak again, as it occurred to her that she had never had to ask another wolf to stay with her before. Despite having ended up without a hint of where any wolf she'd known now was, Nineva had been lucky enough to be wanted and cherished as she'd grown up.

"Leave them and stay with me."

It was, on the surface, a horrible thing to ask. Yet what good was he to them if his heart wasn't fully in it anyways? He was bending for them and would one day break, hurting himself and the pack along with it. If he came with her...

"I won't ever ask you to compromise your values. I wouldn't ask you to support something unjust. You could be happy, then. At your best. If... that's what you want."

She almost felt arrogant, as though she were claiming to be enough purpose for himself in and of herself, to be the answer to all of his problems. Nineva hoped Elias saw what she truly meant; simply that if neither of them forced the other to bend, they could both stand tall together. That this would be better for him and that she wanted that opportunity for him.