Shallows Edge [m] though this house feels like an old lost song that calls for me to play along

Mature for some discussion of depression. I would like this to be a relatively quick thread due to IRL circumstances, I need to cut back on characters but didn't want to leave anyone wondering. @Reyes @Askan and @Sachiel -- any or all of you <3

Nothing was wrong per say. Sure there were still the coyotes and now pesky neighbors but everyone still seemed to be keeping it together. Everyone except her. It felt like over the last few months there had grown to be a monolithic weight on her that no one could see -- no one could feel -- but her. If she had been smarter it likely would have been obvious the signs of depression that had gradually consumed her. It was not a process that had just happened over night and perhaps that was why she had been oblivious to it. The lack of interest and lack of go-getting attitude she had always had. And most times if she was not consumed by lethargic feelings she was ready to lash out at anyone who tried to contact her.

She had grown tired of being nothing more than a ghost though. She felt she was not doing anyone any good by sticking around here like a stubborn leech. She loved the Edge with her entire being but it felt wrong to become one of the wolves she hated the most. After a few on and off weeks of thinking she had finally found the courage. It was awfully hard and wrong but it had to be done before someone called her out on her changed habits.

The yearling stood on the western borders, staring out in hopes that maybe one of them would just appear but the more time passed the worse she felt. Gut clenched and thoughts of cowardliness. Awkwardly she tipped her head back and let out a small, shaky call for the wolves that had always been there for her through it all.

I don't care if heaven won't take me back

Askan had a lot on his plate, but he liked to think he was keeping on top of it all. Maybe he should have been more observant, should have noticed sooner, but as far as he was concerned everything in the Shallows was more or less fine. At least until he heard Hawthorne let out a short, sombre call.

Askan's brows drew together bounded through the forest and only slowed when her dark form came into sight. Usually, she stood tall with her shoulders square, but Askan couldn't help but feel as though she was smaller than before. Like something had changed, something in her had crumbled away. Unable to stop himself, Askan greeted her with a gentle head bump to her shoulder. He wasn't so good at this caring thing but...she was family. It didn't matter that Selwyn blood didn't coarse through her veins, she was the closest thing to a daughter he had.

"What's wrong? He pulled away and soon cut to the chase. Even now he didn't have it in him to dawdle.

(This post was last modified: Aug 19, 2018, 02:41 PM by Askan.)

He should have known something was wrong.

Off.

Different. The relationship between the dynamic duo had become… strained—was that the right word to use?—in the recent weeks. Sachiel struggled with the changes because he could not help but blame himself. Should he have tried harder to reach out to her? Should he have attempted to console her, even when she did not want to be consoled or doted on? Should he have pushed his way through the barrier she had put up? She had grown distant in the recent weeks and at first he blamed it on the coyotes, as they had been having a similar effect on him. He was losing interest in the things he had pursued before and become a shell of himself as he meandered, lifelessly, through the Edge. Desperately trying to find a way to put his crimson-black thoughts at ease and make himself useful to the pack.

But then he realized it was something more. Something that he could not help her with—which made Sachiel feel even shittier.

Not being able to help his best friend made him feel useless and sick.

Which made him feel even shittier.

The call did not come as a surprise to the boy but it pulled on his gut all the same, causing a frown to immediately crease his handsome features and push his body forward. His legs struggled to find their footing at first as his heart began to beat rapidly within his chest. He was going to lose her—the most important wolf in his life. Far more important than his dads and his biological parents (although only one of them mattered to the boy). He had always put her needs above his own but he felt as though he had failed her. As though he had not been good enough for her. Deep down he knew it was something she had to deal with—on her own—but it did not stop him from feeling guilty. Nor did it cause the worry that bubbled furiously within him to lessen.

He arrived at the borders on unsteady legs, his mismatched gaze settling on his peppered companion as he (temporarily) ignored the presence of the yellow-eyed Selwyn. He marched forward, his creamy paws dragging across the soft ground as he closed the distance between them.

He had never felt so blue-black; it was as though his whole world was crashing in on itself. It pained him to see Hawthorne look so … lost—but it pained him even more knowing he couldn’t fix her. You’re g-going—aren’t you? His voice cracked as his breath hitched in the back of his throat.

And, for the first time since he had met Pumpkin Eyes all those months ago, Sachiel met her tangerine gaze with his mismatched pools. For once, orange didn’t look so bad.

But it looked sad. Blue-orange.

It was all wrong.

ridge is a mature character

aka he curses a lot due to his frustation with his memory loss

x

ridge associates colours with moods/feelings & uses them to describe others

@Reyes you're still welcome to hop in<3

She was consumed with misery and guilt at the sight of Askan. His touch was like fire against her already ashy fur. Her mouth felt dry at his question, jaws parted but the Selwyn found herself unable to make a sound. Suddenly she was so ashamed and so damn worried. She did not feel like a Selwyn in that moment. The yearling couldn't help but feel that no matter how far she had tried to distance herself from her blood relatives, she was showing all those horrible traits in this moment. Askan deserved a much better daughter than her.

The arrival of Sachiel only burned her more but he didn't touch her. No, he did something far worse. He had finally met her gaze after all this time. Those ashamed feelings only flared within her gut. Why did he have to finally look at her now? At the lowest of it all? She regretted calling for them. She should have been a coward and fled in the night.

I...I have to leave. She choked out as she fluttered her gaze between the two Selwyns. I don't feel right and I can't stay here and mope. I can't become what I hate. Her ears shrunk back against her head as she looked away from them, expecting the coldness of their sympathy to turn into heated anger.

Because who could ever love a leaver?

I don't care if heaven won't take me back

Fuck, her words were hard to hear. Askan's ears flicked back against his skull as he gritted his teeth. Worse yet, how had Sachiel managed to figure it out before him? Was Askan blind, a fool? He knew they were close, that they used to be practically joint at the hip but- Maybe Askan just didn't want to see, perhaps he'd deliberately turned a blind eye, and now it was too late. She'd made up her mind, or at the very least she thought she'd been forced into a corner. Askan was quick to dispel that.

"You don't have to do anything." He insisted, his tone firm despite the slight quake in his voice. "Or go anywhere."

He just didn't understand what had brought this on. What didn't feel right? Who and what did she hate? She was shrinking back, ears flat against her skill with her lips down turned, like she thought Askan would beat her, or something equally as ridiculous. He wasn't mad, he was just confused, lost, and more than a little dazed. He needed to understand, it felt as though he'd stepped into thick, churned mud. And that every time he tried to pull his paw out it would make him sink even deeper, till he was up to his knees with no chance of escape.

"Tell me- us- what's wrong. We can help." They had to. The thought of her leaving was...beyond his contemplation, unthinkable.

(This post was last modified: Aug 19, 2018, 02:41 PM by Askan.)

He wanted nothing more than to step forward and collide into her. But his paws remained rooted to the ground as his legs began to tremble. Sachiel knew there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could say. The look on her face said it all. Her decision had been made and there was nothing he could do to persuade her into staying … or could he? Even if he had been successful in convincing her to stay… what if she wasn’t happy? What if he couldn’t make her happy? The back of his throat burned as he swallowed unspoken words, his ears falling flat against his crown as he took a tentative step forward. His stomach hurt. His eyes prickled with unshed tears. He felt sick.

He did not know how to … how to exist without Pumpkin Eyes.

But it was clear that she felt as though she could exist without him.

This was what she needed. He couldn’t be selfish no matter how fucking badly he wanted to be. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.

I-I— he couldn’t form words. His tongue struggled to string words together in a sentence that made sense because nothing made sense.

He did not know if anything would ever make sense.

Blue-orange. Blue-black. It was all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

He stepped forward, hesitant at first before he flung himself against her, his chin draping over her shoulder as he embraced her tight against his chest. H-how can I help? He mumbled into her fur as he refused to let her go just yet. He wasn’t ready to see her leave. Not now, not ever. Even if it was what she needed.

It was all wrong.

ridge is a mature character

aka he curses a lot due to his frustation with his memory loss

x

ridge associates colours with moods/feelings & uses them to describe others

this will be my last post with hawthorne in this thread -- thanks for showing up yall and being with her through it all<3

I have to. She quickly snapped back before a look of guilt swept over her features. He didn't know what was going on in her head and yet she couldn't help but feel so frustrated. Couldn't they see?

You can't help. It's too late for that and I've gotta help myself. What kind of grown wolf would I be if I always depended on others for everything? She buried her face into the tawny coat of Sachiel, breathing in his scent. It was comforting and warming but not enough to fix the damage her own mind had done. I'll come back if you'll ever have me but for now...I've got to figure some shit out. Elsewhere. Alone. Her voice seemed to shake softly as she pulled away from Plant Boy and crept towards Askan. They had never been touchy feely but she couldn't forgive herself if she never gave him a proper goodbye. She'd aim to plant her head into the plush fur of his chest if he'd allow it. She wouldn't linger for too long before pulling away, a mumbled combination of love you and sorry fell from her lips as she glanced between the both of them.

She loved them both. She would miss them both and she was terribly sorry to both. Staying any longer would do more damage than good.

Quickly she slunk off into the forest and towards the mountain.

-exit-

I don't care if heaven won't take me back

Askan didn't understand what was going on, try as he might he just couldn't slot the pieces together in his head. Where were the rounded corners that just clicked? Everything all seemed so jagged and sharp, like her words were pressing into his skin, leaving deep wounds that would take weeks, if not months to heal.

He wanted to cut her down, to tear her nonsense to shreds but...He had no right to tell her how she could and couldn't feel. If this was what she truly wanted then they had to deal with it. Askan pulled in a deep breath, then exhaled through his teeth. His knee jerk reaction was to say she would always be welcome, no matter what, but he found that he couldn't muster the strength to say them right now. He wasn't yelling, nor was he puffed up and growling. He was just quiet, accepting, as he leaned into her embrace.

And then she was gone.

Maybe she would return, or maybe not, he supposed time would only tell.

"Sachiel, let's go." He said, after a long, heavy, moment of silence. Askan just couldn't stand the thought of leaving the boy alone, not after he'd had his other half torn from his side.

You can’t help.

Sachiel could actually feel his heart breaking at her words as his body began to tremble. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say. She had made up her mind and nothing would change it. No matter how much he begged and pleaded… He swallowed the words that hesitated on the tip of his tongue. There was no point in wasting them. He clung to her for a moment longer, refusing to let go until she pulled away and stepped toward Askan. His head sank, ears flattened against the back of his crown as he remained rooted to the spot. He refused to look at her a second time for he knew the moment he met her pumpkin gaze the tears that threatened to spill from his mismatched eyes would fall. He barely registered the jumble of words that came next—he had never felt so numb. So empty. Was this how she felt?

And just like that she was gone. Only her scent lingered, stinging his nostrils as he struggled to control his breathing. It had not even hurt this much to leave his family … but then again Hawthorne was his family. Hell, he loved her more than any of his immediate family. She was everything to him.

Sachiel, let’s go.

He shook his head. He wanted—needed—to be alone. The tawny boy wasn’t going to chase after his greyscale friend but he wasn’t ready to return to the shallows. I-I— he started, his voice week as he kept his gaze glued to the ground, not yet. Please. I just—I just want to be alone. He didn’t allow the ebony Edge Lord to answer, nor did he care if he was going against an order from his leader. He stepped away from Askan and disappeared into the tears, his head still hanging low as salty tears began to drip from the tip of his nose…

Exit.

ridge is a mature character

aka he curses a lot due to his frustation with his memory loss

x

ridge associates colours with moods/feelings & uses them to describe others

I don't care if heaven won't take me back

He should have seen that coming, should've known that Sachiel needed a little time to himself. Rather than get all worked up about it, Askan simply nodded. His words had not been an order, as such, more of a suggestion. Spitting commands was the last thing on Askan's mind, if Sachiel wanted to leave then he was welcome to. The Edge Lord would seek him out later, hopefully after he'd had some time to...do whatever he needed.

"Yeah...sure."

The duo parted ways, Sachiel went off in one direction and Askan in the other. Reyes needed to know, he'd been the one to recruit her, to bring her into their family. And maybe...the Selwyn needed a little time too. Today had been a tough one, the Selwyn needed some space and maybe some scissors to cut through the tangled thoughts in his head.

Fade