Nothing good comes without loss

I suppose, Nash said, and Chan smiled. He felt confident his brother would understand some day, with just a little more worldly experience under his belt. Then Al was brought up, along with their skewed binary, and Chan laughed again.

"Nah. I just met Aquene proper, and I still don't even know the other woman's name, so it musta been him or Mom."

As it was, despite the Slayer's young age and given that Aleister had yet to take a wife or husband, Chan was happy that they were still going to have puppies around this year. While part of him feared he was gonna fuck things up for them like he had his own little siblings and cousins, he tried to stay realistic and remember that everything that had happened back then had been so far out of his paws that it should have been understandable that he'd been unable to stop it.

"You're glad Al doesn't wander or that he ain't a brat?" he asked with a playful grin.

His teasing accepted with ease, Nash smiled at the mention of their mom. She seemed to collect lost young ladies that had nowhere else to go. It was something he was kind of proud of. She didn't want anyone to have to live without a home if she could help it.

He just wished Staryn could be here to enjoy their new home too.

Nash didn't really care how they'd gotten their members or who or why; they were a pack, and they were strong enough to keep it. That was what mattered.

"You're glad Al doesn't wander or that he ain't a brat?"

Chan was grinning, but Nash was suddenly serious. "Both," he said earnestly, looking into his brother's face fully.

Nash shifted into an even more somber state, drawing Chan's attention to his features. He blinked back at his brother, mismatched eyes searching the other's for a hint of what exactly it was that he was so serious about. It only then hit him that there was something the younger Eastfall was worried about, and that certainly wouldn't do. Neither would coddling, however. Chan mirrored his brother's serious disposition as he replied.

"Aleister was a traveler before this. He might find out it makes him happier than leading," he spoke with a softened voice, trying not to utterly upset Nash while also preparing him for the possibility -- because it was very much real.

Sorry, this is a super duper short one.

Chan was quick to match Nash's sincerity, dropping the joking tone just as quickly as they'd picked it up. His voice was quiet, almost gentle, but anything from reassuring. Nash stopped walking.

"Would he leave us?" he asked, voice still quiet as he watched his brother.

Chan tensed with the sudden weight of the conversation as it rolled over their shoulders. Sudden for him, anyways, unknowing that Nash had sought him out for more than just a run-of-the-mill chat. His ears eased back an inch with uncertainty. His brother's response certainly didn't bode well.

"He could," Chan answered solemnly, but only out of respect for Nash's feelings. The thought that Aleister might one day pass off leadership and head back out into the world was not sad to him, it was life.

"We all have the right to do what makes up happy, even if it takes us somewhere else."

Chan's ears twitched, and Nash knew that they were coming to some sort of point, though he didn't think it was a point he would like. He'd sought his brother out to see what was bothering him and help him to fix it, so they could go on happier. He'd come to Chan hoping to make things better. What was happening instead?

His brother's voice seemed almost cautious, though maybe that was just how Nash was interpreting it. A pit formed in Nash's stomach. "Are we still talking about Aleister?"

Chan stared hard at his brother. He hadn't been intending to shift the focus off of Al, but it was like there was an animal inside of his stomach, tearing it apart. He knew this worry in Nash's eyes and voice, knew what it meant for his own plans. They weren't on the same page, he couldn't pretend otherwise anymore.

So he blurted it out.

"Nash, you know I'm still going to travel, right? Once I know you and Mom are okay?"

The silence seemed to stretch on forever as the brothers stared at each other. Even the air around them seemed still.

"You know I'm still going to travel, right?"

Nash's ears flattened and all of the feelings of abandonment and fear rose from the wells he'd hidden them in. It was like coming back home to find the place deserted without even a scent trail to follow, only this time it was worse, knowing it was coming. He couldn't fathom why. He couldn't understand why Chan would come home, would help found the pack, only turn turn around and leave again.

That explains why he left the claiming so soon.

He felt so very small again. A thousand things swirled around inside Nash, but all he could manage to squeak out was, "Did... did I do something wrong?"

The response that played vividly over Nash's face caused a pit to open inside of Chan, swallowing everything and leaving an awful ache. He was hurting him, so much worse than it had Lila, and he'd never wanted to do that. His teeth clenched together, so hard that the muscles in his jaw quivered. Maybe it hit hard because he knew there was nothing he was able, or willing, to do about it.

Staying and sacrificing what he wanted in life, what he needed to make himself feel complete, was not an option he was willing to entertain. Maybe that made him selfish, a bad big brother, but if that was all true it just meant he needed to get the hell out even faster, right?

Chan forced himself to steady, swallowing that overwhelming sense of failing someone he loved, as Nash spoke. It broke his heart even more, but caused his train of thought to jump back onto track, away from one of defeat and self-loathing. Chan didn't need to shut down and disappear, he needed to help his brother understand.

"No, of course you haven't. Nash, I love you. Your the best brother I could've ever asked for. I just..."

The words were difficult to find, and he felt pressured to get them perfect.

"... that's my life, Nash. I love traveling. I love helping wolves, strangers and friends and packs, every one, I love empowering them to help themselves. I'm not done with it, not by a long shot."

(This post was last modified: Apr 18, 2021, 11:00 PM by Chan.)

He was completely oblivious to what was going on inside of Chan. Nash was so focused on how much he hurt, how confused he was, that he was struggling to process anything else. How did he deal with this? He'd never... he tried to push it down, to wrap it up in a nice ball and swallow all the bad emotions and understand, but it wasn't working this time. He couldn't make it go away.

Chan's voice swam through Nash's ears, and it took a moment for the younger Eastfall to really digest them. What it meant was that he was leaving. Chan was going away. He'd promised to stay, to make sure Nash wasn't alone, to take care of him. He'd been alone for so long and finally got his family back and it wasn't long enough, there hadn't been enough time, and already Chan was breaking his promise.

But Chan had known he loved traveling and meeting strangers and making friends. He had to have known he wasn't done, that he wasn't going to stay for long. How could he not have?

So he wasn't breaking a promise.

He'd lied.

A thousand hurtful things leapt to Nash's lips. He wanted to snarl and fight and release his anger and hurt upon the world, and Chan most of all, but something held him back. He didn't want to push his brother away any more than he'd somehow already done. Everything bled away, leaving only grief. "But... you promised."