Sanguine Cove your dreams may cave

Backdated to 3/17, after Chan seeks out Aleister, for @Moonshadow only.

After sorting things out with the newly-elected leader, and now knowing what his next step was, Chan felt ready to lend some mental bandwidth toward sorting through his emotions. His heart ached, knowing that this was a moment he would have gone to his father for, were the man still alive. Tagg had always been his firstborn's chosen confidant, and turning to him had been second nature.

Thankfully, he was lucky enough to still have his mother. As much as he felt assured that she would understand him, having already blessed his wandering ways, there was still a kernel of fear festering inside of him. The thought of disappointing or hurting her, like he had Lila and Nash, genuinely scared him. The thought of keeping it from her, however, was far worse.

"Mom?" he called out as he neared, tracking her down by scent.

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

The night before had been wonderful as she and her family reclaimed part of the lake as their own. It wasnt the exact cove that she had come to love but something new and still close was perfect for them. The large ebony woman moved easily along their new borders marking them as she went. It was therapeutic and was now a needed daily task. Moon took in a deep breath, her lungs filling with the scents of pine and white fir. Her silver dusted tail swayed easily at her hocks as her similarly colored eyes scanned the dense forest around her. A familiar voice cut through the air causing her gaze to fall upon her eldest child. A wide smile made its way upon her maw as she turned her large frame towards him. "Mornin' love!" she called out before closing the distance between them. The dark mother greeted her son with a nudge and nibble to his cheek. After taking a moment to greet her miracle pup Moonshadow moved back and sat a few feet away. "How are ya?" she asked her mind moving back to the night before. Chan had left the claiming pretty hastily and she was concerned. Not wanting to pry Moon was going to wait to seek out her agouti child but it seemed like he had other plans.

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His mother greeted him with her usual pep, and he tried to return it but an anxiety he rarely felt had crept into his limbs and made his motions feel... awkward. Chan gave her a smile, but then it dropped, as he decided to cut to the chase. He'd thought about it on the way to her, all that he'd say and how he'd go about it. The man had wanted to just say, 'hey, I'm probably gonna be gone after Summer,' and see what impact it had. There were plans for mitigation from there depending on how Moonshadow reacted, but instead his tongue froze as his brows knit.

When it finally thawed, he asked slowly, "Mom, how long do you see me staying here?"

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

His anxiety and worry was not lost on the mother. She knew her eldest better than he may think despite how much time they had spent apart. His smile was short lived as his mismatched gaze met her pale she could see the gears turning. Ever since he could walk Chan was always exploring, his paws seeming to never run out of energy. His wanderlust and desire to travel was no surprise to her and the dark mother would have been lying if she thought he would stay on the mountain forever. Though she did hope that it would always be some sort of home base for him. A place to rest, recharge and be loved by family before heading off again.

Green and grey orbs refocused as a question tentatively left the son's lips. "Mom, how long do you see me staying here?". The question turned her smile from a upbeat one to more of a sad one. She took a moment to look over her boy, taking in how much he had grown. "As long as ya are happy here". Moonshadow answered honestly. She knew exactly where he was going with this now that he had verbalized it. "Ever since ya opened your eyes ya have had wanderin' paws." She chuckled lightly at the memory of his tiny wriggling plump puppy form always making a run for the mouth of the den. He had definitely kept the first time mother on her toes at all times.

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Chan hated seeing the change in her smile, even though he knew that all of this was simply a part of life. Goodbyes happened, every day. It was normal. Right? And then, you got to say hello again, with the strength of new stories and knowledge and bonds inside. Like everything else, it was a cycle. Breaking @Nash's heart had felt so wrong, though, so far out of that rhythm. 

She used the word happy, and Chan promptly felt his eyes begin to prickle. Wanderin' paws, that was certainly him. Was it a good thing, though? Bad? Neutral?

"It's," he paused, realizing his voice had thickened. This wasn't something he wanted to be worked up about, but there was this knot inside of his chest and the only way to untie it was to press forward regardless of the emotions passing through him and infecting his words.

"It's okay not to be happy here, right?"

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

Ma baby! :'( <3

The brief glaze across his eyes made her heart lurch. Never did she want to see her children in any form of pain. It pained her just as much if not more than it did them whenever she witnessed their pain. All she wanted to do was take it away and make them feel better. He uttered a word before stopping the emotion thick in his tone. A quiet whine fell from the onyx woman as she moved to embrace him. She wrapped her head around his shoulders and pulled him into her. He asked if it was okay to not be happy there and she simply hugged him tighter in an initial response. She held her child for a few moments before releasing him and moving back just enough to look at him. She couldnt help the sadness in her eyes but it wasnt Chan's fault. If he wasnt happy that was okay, no matter how others felt. "Of course it is love" she reassured him with a smile. "This will always be home but that doesn't mean it's the only place ya have to be. Ya have to do what or go where ya are happy. Baby birds dont stay in the nest forever." Moon gave his cheek a nudge. It would be okay, they would be okay and so would she.

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His mother's embrace and pursuant words helped greatly to ease the pain in his heart. Chan leaned into her, gathering his hindquarters beneath hi m and snuggling against her chest as though he were still that bright-eyed and itchy-pawed pup. When she pulled away, he looked up at her with uncharacteristically sad eyes. Their gloom eased as she spoke, comforting and assuring him, just as he had needed.

"... Nash wants me to stay. I think... I think Lila did too," his words were softly spoken.

"I think I really let them down."

Chan wasn't sure if he was looking for answers or further reassurance, or just trying to get it off his chest. It was festering inside, that's all he knew. It needed to be let out, and he was so thankful his mother was here for him.

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

The dark mother took her child in an embrace and when he leaned into her just as he had when he was a pup jerked at her heart. It swelled with love and sadness at the same time. When she pulled away to look at him the mirrored sadness in her mismatched gaze tore at her heart. Seeing him so upset and hurt caused her more pain than the notion of him leaving. The large onyx woman was very much an empath, feeling the feelings of others, especially those of her children.

His words were slow and soft, explaining how Nash wants him to stay and that he thought Lila did too. The next set of words concerned the older Eastfall more. "Ya haven't let anyone down." she replied making it point to meet his gaze. "Your brother just doesn't understand, and that is neither of y'all's faults. He loves ya more than anythin'. He's just scared of losin' ya. I'm not fully sure about Lila, but I do know she cares for ya. Neither of them have experienced ya leavin' and comin' back. So maybe they think ya are leaving for good?" She offered hoping that maybe thinking of how they are interpreting his departure will alleviate the guilt he is feeling. She knew exactly why @Nash was feeling the way he was and she would seek him out.

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Chan met his mother's gaze at first, but it slowly slid away toward the ground as she continued. That was what he'd gleaned from the situation too, and it felt good to have that validated. He hoped she was right, that they would both come around and that this damage didn't linger. What if he couldn't prove it to them? What if his attempts were never good enough?

It was so much easier when you could walk away from a closed door, and faces you were okay with never seeing again. Chan sighed, releasing some emotional tension.

"I wish I could just fast forward to them trusting me."

(This post was last modified: May 26, 2021, 02:24 AM by Chan.)

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

His two tone gaze met hers but easily slid to the ground as she spoke to him. When she finished her possible explanation the tawny child sighed and the mother could physically see some of the tension he carried disappear. "I wish I could just fast forward to them trusting me." A quiet whine came from the woman as she nudged his cheek. "I'm sure they do love, they just may not trust the situation. Which is not your fault. Ya still have to make yourself happy."

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