There's never a last time

@Chan for 12/8

Nash was... Depressed, to say the least. He'd thought he was over this. Things were going well. Chan was staying the winter, and @Aquene ... Well, Nash really enjoyed her company and she was on his mind a lot and... He wasn't sure he was ready to sort those feelings just yet anymore.

Not with so many members of the pack missing. Kip had vanished, leaving her children behind; Nori was gone, and his own mother had disappeared again... And then there was Daes. While Nash worried most about his mother, even though she'd returned, and niece, his thoughts lingered on his friend. At least, he'd thought they were friends. He was so excited to have brought another healer to help Aquene out and now he'd gone and Nash felt like he'd personally let her down.

They were all gone and he couldn't find them.

He'd been abandoned. Again.

(This post was last modified: Dec 16, 2021, 07:32 PM by Nash.)

Chan expected that Nash was not taking the pack's recent losses well, given the feelings he'd voiced in the past as well as the trauma that his older brother knew of but had not been around for. With Moonshadow gone, even just for a handful of days, Chan himself had often felt like he couldn't breathe. The possibility of losing his mother, especially to something preventable, clawed viciously inside of his chest. With her returned to them, however, and the certainty of Kip and Nori being elsewhere growing as no signs of death were found (a relief to Chan, even if it might not feel the same to the others), he finally did not feel guilt for taking time to talk.

Nash's familiar form darkened the shadows that already cloaked the ground, and the elder Eastfall pursued it.

"Nash?"

Nash was wandering, as he frequently did when he was stuck in his thoughts, but he shouldn't have been surprised to hear Chan calling out to him and his steps crunching in the snow. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk, but it was his brother he couldn't just turn him away.

Nash sighed and paused to allow him to catch up. "Hey, Chan," he said. There was no point in trying to hide his mood; his mother and brother had a way of picking up on it anyway. Might as well save himself the effort. "What's up?" he asked.

Maybe talking would do him some good anyway.

It seemed clear that Nash was not even attempting to hide the turmoil held inside. Chan could see sadness in his eyes, and his own usually-cheerful countenance grimaced with sympathy. 

"Wanted to check in, see how you're doing. I know it sucks, taking so many hits at once..."

He was feeling it too, but he knew the pain they each experienced was vastly different in nature and depth. It came with age, with experiencing loss over and over and over again. Nash would likely be there sooner than he anticipated, the way things seemed to always go for the wolves of Relic Lore.

Nash had suspected why his brother might have sought him out, but his words confirmed it. Of course he'd know that Nash was still broken, even if he himself sometimes felt like he was getting better. He let out a short bark of ill laughter. "Yeah," he said without really looking up. "I've taken more before." Yeah, he was worried about them, but he'd lost his whole pack at once before. He was gearing up to lose Chan in a few months. At least with him he had some warning, and at least this time he still had a home and a family here.

He sighed. "How're the pups handling it?" he asked. Chan interacted with them more than he did, which was something Nash really ought to change.

Chan was listening, but struggled to come up with viable responses. His words wouldn't change much, and Nash didn't exactly seem ready to vent... He seated himself in the snow, thinking in silence for a moment.

"I mean... guess they could be taking it worse."

They were their father's kids; not real talkative to begin with. They likely could barely understand the emotions roiling in their chests much less express them. How well could any pup take losing their mother so young, and with no good explanation for it?

"Life can be real fuckin' cruel sometimes."

It wasn't fair, in any measure, but it was the hand they had all been dealt regardless.

Chan sat, and after a short deliberation Nash decided to mirror him. The cold of the snow seeped into his fur, but he couldn't find it in himself to care right now. He nodded sadly. "I suppose they're still trying to process it," he agreed. "It's harder to accept life's rockfalls as a pup." He internally cringed at his choice of words; 'rockfall' probably wasn't the best one, but he supposed in this mindset he shouldn't be surprised.

Nash sighed again and decided to make a wild topic change. Or, maybe not that wild. It was sort of related. "Remember when we talked a couple months ago, and you said I could come with you, if I wanted?" He clearly remembered asking, and then the next few days of fighting the urge to simply run away. "I, uh... I don't think I'm going to."

Chan's ears twisted at his brother's choice of words, a vivid imagining of Tagg being crushed flashing through his mind. It bothered him further that imagine was all he could do when his poor sibling had first-hand footage permanently playing in his head. He would've talked about it, but Nash was changing the topic before Chan could even part his jaws. He found himself struggling between respecting the younger wolf's choice to circumvent the subject and pushing him to talk it through because he felt strongly that it would help.

It was still interesting what Nash did choose to bring up.

"Oh?" he asked, certain that there was a little more to it than that.

Nash didn't miss the twist of his brother's ears, but was grateful when the older Eastfall didn't push the matter. He had no doubt Chan knew exactly where the term had come from and why Nash had quickly moved on. He spent enough nights waking himself to the memory of watching his father take his final breaths; he didn't need to dwell on it during the day too.

Thankfully, Chan took interest in what his younger brother chose to bring up. He merely prompted him to continue, so Nash obliged. "I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I'll admit I almost just... ran away. I don't know what was going through my head, but I'm glad that I didn't. I... well, there's something new."

It was hard to have experience with those kinds of feelings when one spent most of their adolescence alone. Even so, Nash knew what it meant when his chest grew warm every time he thought of her, and the way he felt better whenever he was with her... but did she feel the same? Whether she did or not, it would come out of him soon enough, he was sure, and he didn't think he could bring himself to leave her even if she didn't return his affections.

He took a deep breath; he hadn't said this to anyone yet, and his brother seemed like a reasonable confidant before he took that fateful step. "I've been spending a lot of time with Aquene and I think... I think there might be something there, and I want to stay and see what it is," he said. "She makes me feel... amazing, and wherever she is, it's where I want to be." He looked at his brother imploringly. "I still love you and I'll miss you, but I know why you want to go. I hope you understand why I... can't."

Almost ran away? It wasn't something he was expecting, he certainly hadn't noticed any signs that would be coming. Even knowing how easily one could do such a thing, without apparent warning, he still felt a pang of guilt and concern. Knowing his little brother had struggled so deeply and Chan hadn't caught on much less helped stung.

Regardless, his features remained cleanly pressed, free of the turmoil within. None of that should burden Nash, especially while he was trying to tell him something that was clearly very important to him.

... there's something new.

Chan's tilted gently to the side, evidence of his genuine interest, as he began to listen to Nash talk about Aquene. While he'd noticed the two becoming close, he hadn't assumed it was a romantic relationship. It made him happy to hear that it might be. To his knowledge, Nash didn't have any experience with love. The first time was usually a wonderful thing, and it was all but guaranteed to be for Nash with the kind, grounded medic. Not only that, but his brother deserved to love and feel attached to something outside of his family and this land. He was going to grow so much, and - yes, there it was.

Chan would only get to see it in the frozen slices of times in which he visited. It was sad, but something he'd known he was sacrificing at one point or another.

"That's wonderful, Nash," Chan spoke, voice soft with emotion.

"You don't owe me anything. I just want you happy. I'm so glad you've found someone you love."

(This post was last modified: Jan 12, 2022, 03:51 AM by Chan.)