Sanguine Cove The Distance Has Grown

It was more and more clear to the older man that he and Chan had a lot to work through. Kajika was angry with himself for letting things get this bad between him and his godson. That hadn't ever been his intention when they had spoken last. He just didn't understand why Chan had to leave his family and friends. He was starting to believe that he just didn't fully understand the situation with his godson. When the youngeran admitted to him that his words had made Chan feel like he was wrong in his choices Kajika shook his head.

"I'm sorry Chan, I didn't mean to make you feel that way." He apologized. Remembering the last conversation theyd had he knew the younger man was right. The words he'd spoken weren't going to help Chan feel better about his choices. "I hope you can understand that I'm only concerned about your safety and happiness." That had always been Kajika's main concern for Chan since he was a young pup.

The Tallis man listened as Chan expressed what he was truly feeling. Again Chan was right and Kajika knew that this was what needed to be sorted out. "You do deserve more respect Chan, the things you've done since I've been here in the cove. The way you handled things when Aleister's daughter went missing. I was very proud of the way you handled that and the way you've stepped up for this pack when they needed you. I did pass judgment on you and the choice that your making to leave but maybe I don't fully understand why you feel so compelled to go. Maybe we can talk about that?" He suggested.

Maybe if he understood better it would help him to let his godson go out into the world on his own.

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The apology caused Chan's ears to lean back, a hopeful glint re-entering his eyes. Did he finally say the right words to make the other man understand? I'm only concerned, Kajika explained, and the younger wolf wanted to insist then just say that! but his godfather wasn't finished speaking just then.

The affirmation that the man was proud of him also helped, though as was natural for Chan he couldn't help but feel the praise undue, especially when it came to young Kateri. Still, it was clear the other man was genuinely trying his best and he felt himself relaxing, even if not completely. Maybe we can talk about that? Chan breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes. I would appreciate that. Really."

Kajika was trying to do everything he could to fix his mistakes with his godson. It was tearing him up inside that they were at odds. After hearing what Chan had to say he apologized for anything that he'd said that had hurt the younger man. It had become painfully obvious that what he'd said before had done the damage.

There was only one thing left to do amd that was to try and better understand Chan's position in all of this. The dark man watched his godson for any sign that this conversation might be going better than the last. Then the younger man seemed agreeable to talking further. Kajika offered a smile amd a nod.

"I'm glad to hear you say that," he stated, "I suppose we could start with why you feel like you need to travel away from the cove." That was the part that Kajika didn't understand the most. "Can you tell me why it's so important?"

(This post was last modified: Feb 03, 2022, 04:57 PM by Kajika.)

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Already, Chan wasn't certain that he could. His lips parted then closed again as he found himself wanting to correct the verbiage his godfather had chosen. This was part of the problem, he knew. If it was so nebulous to him, how could he expect others who didn't feel the same pull to understand? As Kajika had said, he only left because of the danger, not because he'd chosen to live a separate life.

Briefly he wondered a query that was not novel - what about his godfather's birth pack? Perhaps it was something more horrible than simple, and he did not yet ask the question.

"... it's what I want," he finally clarified, even though he understood this might very well hurt rather than help his case.

"A year ago, I thought... that it was like a vocation, you know? There's this wolf, @Sawyer, apparently he doesn't belong to a pack but he goes among them all and takes messages and goods back and forth and just... helps where he's needed without being held down and I really want that."

He paused, gaze lowering briefly as though searching the snow at his paws would help him find the words.

"... now it feels like... I'm missing something. Something that isn't here. It's just not."

This time around Kajika wasn't going to dismiss his godson so easily. He truly wanted to understand why Chan would choose to leave his family and friends instead of staying with them. Especially Moon, neither the dark man or her knew how long they had left in this world. He didn't want Chan to miss out on whatever time that was and Kajika feared that his godson would regret the time that he was away if something happened and he wasn't there for it.

The older man put those feelings aside because this wasn't about him. This was about Chan and his reasons for going however the words that slipped from the young Eastfall didn't help Kajika to change his mind on the situation. Frankly it just wasn't good enough. This time though he kept his mouth shut and let Chan continue.

The reasoning that was presented to him next did start to make the picture more clear. Kajika nodded along with Chan's words as he spoke them and then he gave them considerable thought before speaking.

"I see, tell me if I'm wrong but you don't feel like you can help a lot of people by staying in the pack? So is it your goal to help as many wolves as you can?" That Qasim what he'd gathered from what Cham had said and then for the second part of what his godson had said.

Kajika sat back onnhis haunches as he thought that through. "I do understand the feeling of missing something. The need to go out and find it. I really do understand but what happens if you don't find it?"

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Chan of course was not being clear enough, not yet, and he had to fight off the thought that he might never be for Kajika. This was difficult for him, defending his own self instead of others. It was always easier to walk away, to swallow costs when he felt they were isolated to his own bearing. He remained steadied by reminding himself continuously to breathe, even and rhythmically.

"I know I can help others by staying here," he attempted to clarify first, "and it's not like I'll stop coming through the Lore and doing everything I can for you guys when I'm here I'm just... asking that you guys trust me to not always be right here, that if life takes me elsewhere I can go without being resented for it. I mean... what do you really want me to do here, Uncle? Wait for everything to come to me, to not act at all because I might not find what finally makes me feel whole? Or just do all that until you and mom are dead and Nash somehow sheds years of trauma and all of Aleister's kids grow up and then all of Nash's and-... and when do I get to live for me?"

Kajika had always been the one to stay put once he found a place. Sure there had been times that he'd left his home in search of a new one. There were reasons behind those and he supposed that all wolves who wandered each had their own reasons just as he was sure that Chan did. Now it was up to him to listen to his godson and try to understand the reasons that he needed to go. So as Chan spoke laying it all out for him Kajika sat back on his haunches and gave the young man his full attention.

As he listened things started to fall into place for the older man. He understood what Chan was saying and in all honesty he couldn't help but agree with his reasons. Heck, at one point hadn't he done the exact same thing. That was how he'd found himself in Fallen Tree Cove in the first place.

"Listen Chan, I understand I really do. I get that while Aleister hasn't been able to lead these past months you've put your life on hold. That now it's your chance to go and seek out or run across that one thing makes the feeling inside go away. I really hope that you find it Chan and while I hope it's not too far away I also know that it can be. When I left my birth pack it was to find a place that had morals and values that I could agree with. I traveled a long time and far away to find it. That's how I ended up in Fallen Tree Cove."

Kajika looked down at his paws, "I hope you can understand my worries for you though?" He asked looking up at his godson. Kajika knew he wasn't the young man's father but that didn't mean he didn't care or worry any less.

"If you would like I can look after your mother and Nash while you're gone. Make sure they're alright?" Kajika knew that Nash had the healer but another wolf on his side couldn't hurt. After all he did need to work on his relationship with his other godson.

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Kajika assured his godson that he understood, and Chan hoped dearly that was true. It was what he most wanted, whether that was selfish or not. He hung on every following word, seeking for them to confirm that they had truly found a bridge and that the other man was not simply tired of disagreeing, or trying a new tactic. His ears stood ever taller as Kajika's natal pack was finally brought up, even if vaguely. It didn't appear to be the same - Chan was not leaving because he disagreed with the pack's mindset, and that disparity did matter. Kajika had always known of his reasons and drive, the younger wolf was beginning to realize.

I hope you can understand my worries for you though? he asked, and Chan was earnest when he answered quietly, "I do."

If you would like I can look after your mother and Nash while you're gone. Make sure they're alright? The corners of his lips lifted in a subtle smile.

"I know you will, whether I'm here or not," he assured. He knew that Kajika cared about the Eastfall family, that he wanted to do his best for them and the Cove.

"... I worked hard this year, to make sure they have a solid foundation," the words came slow even as they remained pointed, purposeful. Chan did not like to tout his own deeds, but he felt it was important that his Godfather know just how much he really did prioritize his family's happiness and wellbeing.

"I've gotten to know every wolf here, plenty of which I brought into the pack myself. They're good wolves and I trust them. I found this place, where water and food are particularly plentiful and we don't have to worry about slides, and I helped them build it up. I formed a friendship with our neighbors, who've reliably been there for us and provide us with critical flora and are even wanting to take on the kids for a few weeks so they can meet others their age and learn and grow. I made sure that Aleister has everything a leader needs going forward, that everything's properly delegated... I'm leaving my family in the best paws they could possibly be in, and I will continue to come back to ensure that things stay that way. I promise. Okay?"

(This post was last modified: Feb 26, 2022, 09:11 PM by Chan.)

Kajika hoped that sharing about his past and what had led him to the lore in the first place would help. He wanted Chan to know that he understood his need to leave the pack. To go out and find whatever it was he was looking for. Now that he understood better it didn't matter if his godson knew what he was looking for or not. There was something that he needed to find to make his life whole. In the older man's eyes it was no different than him searching for a place that was better than what he'd grown up in because that was what had made him whole. It had made him feel content with his life.

Even now he'd left the home he'd created with Birtie to find Moonshadow. He had known that being at his beat friends side would make him feel whole again where he'd felt like something was missing the past two years because she wasn't there.

Still the old man worried that his godson wouldn't understand that he was worried. He cared very deeply for the Eastfall man, he always had, and he didn't want to see anything happen to him. When he expressed that Chan assured him that he did understand. Kajika nodded, "Before you go Chan I want you to know that even though we aren't blood you've always been like a son to me." That was important for him to tell the younger man.

Kajika also wanted Chan to know that he would be happy to look after his family while he was gone. The words that came from him made The dark man smile, "That is true, old habits die hard I suppose," he joked, "I've been looking after your mother since the day I found her and brought her back to the cove. She's looked after me too when I was having a really rough time of things. It's what we do me and her. I would also like the chance to get to know your brother better because I didn't have that before." Kajika was sad about the fact that he didn't know his other godson as well as he knew Chan.

The older man shook his head as Chan proclaimed how hard he'd worked this year. Chan explained everything that he'd done for the pack and for his family. Kajika moved forward and embraced Chan, "You don't have to defend yourself to me. I know you've worked hard. I may not have been here the entire time that you were doing all of that but I have seen the results. You also don't have to defend how much you love your family to me." He stepped back and looked Chan in the eyes. "I might be old but I'm not blind. I have seen the results of your efforts. This pack that you've helped create is exactly what a good pack should be. You are a good man Chan I could always see that."

The memory that stuck out most in his mind when he looked at his godson was the day he'd taught him to catch Crayfish in lake. It always made him smile especially now to see the man that pup had grown into.

"Perhaps when you return on your visits we can spend some time together. You can tell me all about your adventures," he offered with a smile as he looked upon his godson.

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When Kajika pulled him in for a hug, Chan found himself melting into the embrace as though he still was that small, bright eyed pup. He closed his eyes and leaned his hefty skull against the other man's chest as he listened to his assurances and praise. Finally the wall he'd so swiftly erected against his godfather began to break down, no longer feeling the threat of judgment and rejection. He let out a breath, stress and tension flowing out of his body along with the carbon dioxide.

"... thank you," was about all he could say at the moment, voice quiet and nearly wavering. Another breath.

"Of course. Let's... I mean, if you want, could we... go for a walk?"

Go back to normal, now that this was settled?