Kingsfall how the rest will go

Finally, there was a tiny shift in his expression. It softened, just a little, which was enough for one corner of Cole’s mouth to tug upward in a tiny smile. She didn’t miss, of course, how that only happened when the line of questioning turned away from him. Why didn’t she think of herself as one of them?

”That’s something I don’t want to talk about,” the ghost murmured, controlling her tone carefully. As her company had been, the reaction wasn’t defensive so much as just the truth. Or if anything, meant to keep from burdening him with her issues.

”You know most of it already. More than them. I’m sure you can figure the rest out.” They’d talked it all over before and didn't need to rehash it now. The things Chan knew about her were still a secret, as far as she was aware. If the rest of them had known, Cole doubted she would have been allowed to remain amongst the group for this long. Doubted they’d have even let her walk away alive…

It felt like she was living a lie, and on borrowed time. That, along with having to see someone she’d once loved - and still did - live his life with another, would be too much for almost anyone. To walk away though, would feel like she was walking out on something.

(This post was last modified: Mar 18, 2023, 04:08 PM by Colette.)

Chan's lips twitched with a grimace at that familiar phrase. Fair. He couldn't be a hypocrite forever, pushing everyone else to face their demons when he refused to sit with his own. The far past wasn't what he sought to discuss, though. He was trying to untangle Colette's more recent choices, to pin down what was happening with her without assuming it all had to do with him. Even though it was very much looking that way.

"But... you joined them. You were going to leave and you stayed, so... was that never supposed to be permanent or is this, because of me?"

Was he too much of a reminder of the past, an upset to the equilibrium she might have found? It made his stomach squirm, thinking his mere presence could forever be poison to her. What was worse was that she had tried only to be pushed away... Chan hoped she gave him a different reason.

But… he continued on, evidently not quite able to glean her thoughts, or content to let the subject rest. A very small flicker of annoyance passed through her, but Cole didn’t allow that to make itself known outwardly except with a soft sigh and the gentle twitching of one paw. If anything, it was mostly sadness and regret that she felt.

The ghost could not hide her wince as he hit the matter head-on. Because of me?

Once more she took a breath before attempting an answer. ”If you were living somewhere, and every day, you had to watch someone you’d once loved spend that time with another, would you stay?” There was nothing accusatory there, no hatred or spite. No self pity, either, because there was no point. She wasn’t even quite expecting an answer. Cole was happy Chan had managed to find another to devote his time to, but that didn’t mean she necessarily wanted to be a first-hand witness to it.

An everyday reminder of all she’d lost, of what maybe could’ve been and never would be now, for her. No more late-night conversations or antics, no more gentle touches or sharing warmth on the coldest days. Nobody she could cling to as hers and hers alone. Like everything else, just a cold emptiness in the space where something much better could’ve been.

”I stayed because I felt I still had a job to do, here. But with you and Flair back, and that new kid.. my job feels almost done. This place doesn't need me anymore, unless...” she trailed off, uncertain of how or even if she wanted to ask about that. But it was one way the ghost could convince herself to stay, now.

Colette confirmed what he feared, but not in a way he was expecting. As realization began to dawn with each word, his eyes widened slightly with surprise. Two-fold, was it? There was so much depth that could be read into her claims, and Chan was at a loss as to which thread to follow. Assumptions made would still be just that, leaving him with far too many questions still to ask.

Was this still about the past, or was she speaking of contemporary feelings? What exactly had she seen her job as, wasn't it alright if she needed them in return? Unless what?

For a moment, he didn't have words. His gaze drifted toward the ground at her paws, deeply considering this moment and all the implications surrounding them. As had every conversation he'd held with Colette since her coming to the Lore, this felt critically important. The fear of making the wrong choices, of saying the wrong things, pressed in around his heart.

"Unless what?" he asked at last, bicolored gaze raising to meet hers.

"What do you need, Cole?"

As she’d half anticipated, there wasn’t any response to the inquiry. What could someone say to something like that, anyway? Even under conventional circumstances, Colette was going to assume the answer from most wolves would be no. The pack had quite possibly just seen an example of that.

But, especially in this specific case, when there was so much between them? So many memories and secrets. She couldn’t blame Chan for not wishing to answer the inquiry. Or for not prying further into her thoughts, and part of her was grateful, for she didn’t want to elaborate on any of it.

He wasn’t entirely silent though, for he did pose questions where she’d left off. What do you need?

Strangely, the tiniest of smiles once more graced her countenance, though Cole shook her head gently. That was not where her thoughts had been heading. ”Not me. It’s about you and Flair, and the rest of this pack. What you need,” she answered, taking in a breath and keeping her gaze fixed with his.

”I know about Jethro and Finley. But if you and Flair have plans, too, this pack will need every able-bodied provider it can get.” Or in her case, semi-able bodied. But as Chan had once said, even she was better than the nothing that would be in her place if she left. One family of pups was hard enough to manage, but if spring was going to give them two?

”I wouldn’t dream of leaving this group in that situation.” As horribly painful as it would be to see firsthand a former lover live with someone else, she’d want to be here to do everything possible to ensure things went right for Flair and Chan this time. That took precedence over her own stupid feelings.

(This post was last modified: Mar 19, 2023, 11:04 PM by Colette.)

She continued to confound him. There had been a time where he'd thought he'd known Colette like the back of his own paw, but all that was washed away as though they were starting anew. Chan could not pin her or her thoughts down, didn't know how to even begin trying, mostly because he felt like he was dealing with a cornered hare. That if he said the wrong thing, dug too deep, all this good she was building for herself would crumble and she'd flee.

Like what had happened with @Aquene.

(Jethro and Finley? That felt out of left field, especially considering Chan viewed the former as younger than he really was now, a nephew-figure, and the latter as a same-aged peer. But then, he'd been gone for almost a year, and just because that was his relationship to each of them didn't mean theirs needed to reflect as much. Most of all? It wasn't his business.)

His focus was on the mild disbelief he felt at Cole's claims in wanting to help him and Flair ensure a new litter's safety, his muzzle shaking back and forth without his intending the gesture. Chan wanted to grin, wag his tail and take joy in such a meaningful gift but... what of those doubts she had been expressing? Was that really what she wanted to do, or was this forced?

"Cole..."

Briefly, a sadness welled up. The desire to go back in time, to when their relationship had been simple, stable, deep. He swallowed it back, decided he didn't need to put his emotions onto her, even if they were driven by empathy. Colette was more than capable of making these decisions for herself. Chan closed his eyes, took a breath, and let it out in a sigh along with some of his tension.

He looked to Cole again with an small, but earnest, smile and what was left of his tail waved.

"That would mean a lot to me. It shouldn't be an obligation though, okay? You still deserve to think about yourself."

An answer to her veiled question was not immediately forthcoming, but when he did speak, Chan seemed to allude to as much. It would mean a lot to him, and Cole didn’t miss the small smile, either. She felt a tiny wave of relief at that. He wouldn’t mind sharing a home with her, for however long she was to stay, now.

The ghost once more gave her head a gentle shake at the portion that came after, though. ”No. Without this pack and my duties, there’s nothing else out there for me,” she breathed, hoping that he’d let that rest, too.

To think about herself. What was there even to consider? To leave would mean she was alone again, purposeless and directionless, with nothing but her own painful memories for company. Aging, and in need of a new home. As weeks had passed and she’d finally grown accustomed to this forest, the idea of returning to that sort of existence was not one she relished either.

”It’s not just an obligation, I want to do it, too. Having a purpose helps.” But, Chan had been the one to tell her something like that, too. He probably already knew that.

”I promise I’ll keep out of your way as much as I can. Don’t worry about me,” just in case any of her formerly expressed feelings were mutual. She could imagine it would be an adjustment for him, too.

”You've got other things to be thinkin' about, anyway.” Things that took precedence over certain feelings. It wasn't explicitly said, but Cole hoped her happiness for him was translated in the words, and in her soft smile. She hoped things would be good for him, here. And it'd be her job to see that they were for as long as she remained among the group.

(This post was last modified: Mar 20, 2023, 02:58 PM by Colette.)

Did they have to be so separate, though? Chan was learning, slowly but surely, that not everything could be talked through. Cole had done well starting to untangle those myriad of knots, whether she knew or not, without him present at all. Just because he wasn't constantly privy to the subtle changes didn't mean she wasn't still doing well for herself. Again, he reminded himself to back off just a little, to allow both of them room to breathe.

Instead of drowning himself in sadness that was, ultimately, of his own conjuring.

Still, he shook his head again, finding the urge to clarify just a few things more.

"You've never been in my way, Cole. You're the one that was avoiding me, remember?" an upward tick of his smile, hopefully communicating he did not mean this accusatorily.

"If you want this to be your home, I want that for you too. And if not, that's alright too. But... most of all... if you're allowed to worry about me, you gotta expect me to think of you too."

Perhaps this could be called a compromise? An olive branch? Maybe she thought he worried this too was a ruse, and it wasn't as though the thought hadn't crossed his mind; that her presence could bring something bad. Hadn't Flair's past done the same, though? Couldn't all of theirs? Sure, Cole's was a lot more murder-y, but like his fox-colored friend had said; if they let themselves be consumed by fear, they might as well be dead.

Chan would rather believe the sun was dawning than setting, and that there was plenty of room under its warm rays for Colette.

(This post was last modified: Mar 22, 2023, 01:07 AM by Chan.)

This time, it was his turn to remind her of something that she’d once said. While once she might’ve bristled as said comment, the ghost simply bowed her head in a nod once more, allowing herself to mirror the small smile that was given. And to accept the comment for what it was.

”I know. Didn’t mean it that way, just..” she spoke, pausing for a moment to think and search for the correct words. ”Didn’t want you to think I was trying to get all up in your business too much. And I will.. probably need some space. From time to time.” Some of that would be unavoidable if they were going to share a home. But she anticipated some boundaries, too, even if they’d only be one way. For she’d certainly be enforcing some. Some days would be easier than others, she was sure, when dealing with her darkness and feelings that came and went. But she wouldn’t let them interfere with her goal.

Chan’s compromise was also not something Colette was overly thrilled with. The thought of anyone worrying about her was not something she enjoyed or was comfortable with. Certainly, it wasn’t something she wanted, much less deserved. Unlike previous occasions though, she didn’t feel like arguing about it.

At least, not with the same fervor she once would’ve. ”Fine. Just.. try not to think about me too much, then.” She spoke, attempting to inject a bit of mirth into the statement. She didn’t anticipate he would, once he settled in. But just in case..

Chan hoped that his smile would speak of understanding, that maimed tail of his continuing to wag. Normally, he would have been moved to hug another in a moment like this, but strove to respect Cole's particular boundaries instead. Maybe one day, she could allow herself to fully participate in these simple, warm moments like that again. Either way, he was deeply thankful for her at this time, and had always hoped that whatever it looked like, Colette would find her happy ending.

"Deal," he chuckled and beamed, longteeth making an appearance past dark lips.

"I won't take anymore of your time."

The words were spoken lightly, and a step was taken back. If she had anything more to say he would be all ears, but he wanted her to know that her right to space was indeed honored and without any offense taken. He was more than willing to give the time necessary to rebuild their friendship, even if it was only ever a fraction of what it had once been.

Better than a void.