Underground Sea you make a fine shrine in me

For @Sahalie only.

you feel like fire

With all that had gone on; the whirlwind of Morganna taking her leave along with most of the pack's useful members, his father disappearing hot on her trail, Attica's birth and the relationship he had formed with her in taking over her care, Renier's return and Angier and Niles' departure; one thing had managed to remain constant for the ghostly teenager, and that was in keeping his promise to his friend. Through all of it he had made sure to continue visiting her regularly, even if just for a few precious hours before they had to go their separate ways. Parts of his life as it was were shared with her, the boy far more at ease ever since the night he'd crawled to her with his broken heart, but always he was far more interested in what was occurring in her own world. Everything she did enraptured him, in awe of how one wolf could be so consistently free and happy.

Yet it had taken this long to finally gather the courage to invite her at night to this place, and to convince himself to bring along the gem he had dug up weeks ago. Why the thought of it all made him nervous, he wasn't entirely sure. Perhaps he felt that the more he made it clear she was important to him, the more he risked her seeing it as an albatross and opting out of their friendship altogether. Maybe it was as simple as the way Elettra had shaken up his thoughts with that single word, woman. Whatever it was, he knew that it wasn't fair to mistrust her, and so now despite the tension in his chest he forced himself to try and be at ease as he led her through the tunnels that connected their worlds.

It was dark until the threshold. The moon was full and bright, but still the light that carried down into the cavern was soft and shy against the shadows. The water was peaceful and smooth as it mirrored the night sky, the atmosphere it created light and airy. So unlike his first time here at night, when Morganna had held her rally. That was one of many reasons why he had wanted to bring Sahalie here; so that she could further help him erase the bad memories with ones that were new and fond.

He stopped there, just outside the tunnel, and turned his eyes to his company to take in her reaction, hoping dearly that this could make her happy.

guiding me back home

Usually the pair would meet on her side of the mountain. She was not sure if that was because things were not going so well for Sven or if the two just preferred to be in the east. But the girl had no problem with such a small request to join Sven in the mountain tunnels where they had met nearly a year ago now. She felt bad, even, that they had not been able to meet for awhile when she had gone north to see Hearthwood River and when she had been busy tending to the children. Worse, though because of how distracted she had been worrying herself over Alastor and his absence from her life. She had nearly forgotten their promise to meet up several times. Going with him to the underground pool seemed an easy way to make it up to him, even if Sven did not see it that way. She was not quite sure how Sven saw it: his pale form glowing in the half-light as they wandered through the night seemed tense.

Though she hadn't really known what their destination would be, the moment her paws touched the lip of the tunnel and her eyes flashed with the soft moonlight in the reflection pool she knew they had arrived and that this was the place. It felt oddly relaxing, meditative, to stand here and stare into the hazy light and breath in the heavy, wet air infused with star-glow. The girl sighed with contentment. "It's lovely, here." Why was it so hard to enjoy it though? After several seconds she felt some shame creep into her heart along with some of the old sadness as she found herself wishing she could share the moment with Alastor. 

Instead of Sven? The question galled her. Not having an answer for her heart made it even worse. Sighing more sadly this time, the girl began to chew on her lip and wonder how she could be so cruel and deny Sven the pleasure of having her in this moment, having her full attention. Why, Sven was just as nice as Alastor, wasn't he? Then again, why should she even be thinking in these terms?

"How have things been with you?" she asked in a somber, quiet voice.

She smiled, just softly, and oh that sigh... her words curled his own lips, and he forced his eyes away from her to move forward. That he could share something so purely good with another wolf filled his heart, and somehow that it was Sahalie made it all the more significant for him. The only thing better would have been to have @Attica with them, and he made the mental note then to bring her someday soon so she could see this as well. Sven wanted dearly for both of them to know nothing but beauty.

Reaching the water's edge, it shared its glow with him. His pale coat captured the reflecting light and held it, and he had to wonder if Sahalie's dark fur would manage to do the same. Turning his head to beckon her closer, his words were frozen within his throat as he realized she looked differently now. Rather than mirthful, she seemed wistful and another breath escaped her lips, this time sinking his heart. What had happened in such a short time? Had he done something wrong?

"Good," he answered without bon mot, quick to dismiss the topic of himself when there was clearly something more pressing going on. Curling back around, he faced her fully with concern evident upon his features.

"What's wrong?"

She hadn't meant for her tranquil facade to slip from her face, but Sven must have caught it all the same. Now he was looking at her with such worry, worry that felt personal, like he was worried that he'd done something. The girl shook her head quickly, not answering quite yet as she continued to feel each small prick of guilt. Larkspur had told her not to make it all about herself, and she was trying—oh was she trying—not to, but somehow the response was to make it all about Alastor and not at all about Sven. She was really just hurting everyone in the long run, it seemed. Sahalie tried to smile, to brighten her stance and look a little more alive, but in the end she just shifted her weight to the ground and sighed.

"Idunno, I had a friend back home who went a way for a bit," In the back of her mind she heard an old man's voice echo boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend. The words seemed to grow louder, helped along by the shape of the cavernous tunnels. "I just miss them is all." Them. What reason did she have to avoid gender? The idea that she was avoiding it at all was sort of silly. She wasn't guilty. She hadn't done nothing wrong. There was no reason for her to keep another boy from Sven. "Al.... Al, he was supposed to help me figure this whole leadership thing out, ya know? Idunno if I expected him to lead beside me or anything. I just..."

"I feel lost, ya know?" For a moment her eyes rested on his own, her pupils waning and waxing before they jumped suddenly back towards the moon in the water, "Larkspur said I'm being self-centered about it all. And he's right. So I'm just sorta trying to get everything back on track, figure out my goals and stuff. Stay positive."

He'd pointed it out in hopes of giving her an opening to relax and confide in him, but instead she hesitated and her posture became awkward in its insincerity. This was very much unlike the girl he knew, and it worried him all the more. Whatever this was, it must be something rather big to have such an effect on her, right? His ears cupped forward as he listened diligently once she finally began to speak. When the first of it was out, he felt he might understand. Sympathy crept over his features his own experiences put the words 'went away for a bit' through a particularly specific filter.

Someone had walked out of Sahalie's life, and despite the words chosen, they probably weren't coming back. Maybe she was realizing that, maybe she wasn't. Sven took a step forward, closer, wanting to comfort her against this pain he so easily recognized. Then she kept talking and his legs stilled.

This Al, who left, he was to... help her, with becoming an alpha? Maybe even be the one that stood next to her in that position? Something in his throat became lodged as his mind suddenly reeled, filling in words she never said to fill blanks she probably wasn't entirely aware she'd left open for him. He tried not to, but he couldn't help but lock onto it. All he knew, was that leadership mostly was shared by mates. That Nicolo stood beside his grandmother and not her husband was only circumstance, not the way things should be. Maybe it was different for Sahalie's pack... but why did he want that reassurance?

Suddenly, this outing and his gift all felt rather inappropriate, and he experienced a weird sense of guilt once more as he recalled his nonna's voice referring to Halie as a 'woman,' and he wished he knew why but at the same time also wished he could stop thinking about it altogether.

She then said she felt lost without this other boy, and he was unable to hold her gaze, instead looking at the water's edge. She dropped another name, and he wasn't sure what to say about the rest of it. What was self-centered about being sad, about missing someone? There was probably more to the story. There was clearly a lot he didn't know about Sahalie Tainn, despite his efforts. That made his gut twist unpleasantly, to realize that he was nowhere near as close to her as he'd thought he was. As he wanted to be.

"It hurts when anyone walks away," he remarked quietly, genuinely unsure of what to say at all but knowing he needed to get out something.

"It's okay to be sad about it for a bit. You taught me that."

Whatever it was she and this Larkspur talked about, it made him uncomfortable to think that anyone who call Halie self-centered. She was the farthest thing from it that he knew. That someone might try and stifle her emotions, much less in a way similar as to what was done to him, was upsetting. He didn't want to assume that was what had happened, however.

"I mean... you know I'm always here to help you, right? Whatever you need to do, I'm just... a few tunnels away."

The atmosphere was oddly tense for a mood that anyone else would have expected to by sympathetic. Sahalie, caught in-between her own desire to be brave and the boiling sensation of guilt at the pit of her stomach, saw between her flickering glances back and forth that Sven was hesitating. On what word, she was not sure. Was it "Al," was it "he," was it "leader," or any of the dozen she had flung out into the cavern. Her ears flickered, but eventually settled again in a position that was slightly twisted back. If she had no idea which of her words had caused him discomfort she could have no idea what to say to alleviate anything. And, depending on what the word was, Sahalie was not sure "taking it back" would really be the right answer, because she had meant all the things she had said.

But she knew when Sven would not even hold her gaze when she spoke of missing Al that this was the problem. But even knowing this did not answer more questions than it generated: Did Sven not like the idea of Al specifically or the idea of Sahalie missing anyone? Did Sven want her to miss him, too, when he was not around? Did Sven just hate that she had been abandoned? It felt wrong to probe Sven with any of these questions. It was too targeted. Sahalie told herself that it would all come out anyway, so she sighed and stared in the pool and awaited his response.

At first she felt her chin tipping in a nod before suddenly she froze. What? Who had said anything about walking away. Alastor had not walked away. Her mouth opened before she realized she had been incredibly vague with Sven, not actually describing anything about the circumstances surrounding Alastor's departure. Many wolves who "went away" usually left without a word. Her face turned towards the white boy in acknowledgement that, yeah, she had said it was okay to be sad. But it felt as though she had overindulged and had gone beyond the "for a bit" part. She shrugged.

"It's not okay, though, for me to just...worry about how this impacts my life, though. Al left to go look for his sister. Like.. I should be worried about him. I am. But sometimes it all just gets drowned out," her tone seemed barely able to keep it together, lost somewhere being argumentative and imploring, though she wasn't sure what it was she wanted Sven to see, "And that's not okay but it's hard to stop myself."

"And ....and..." She faltered, her eyes trying to find his, "What if I told you I needed you with me in Oak Tree Bend? Would you come? What if that was what I needed?" These were the things she couldn't ask, but it felt as though she would be lost without someone to advise her. Sure, there was Lark, but he would not be around for ever. Somehow she found reasons to discount him when it came down to being by her side at the end of it all. "That's selfish too." But it was unfair to compare Alastor and Sven in her head this way. It wasn't Sven's fault that he had a family, had a child to attend to. Alastor was an orphan and more or less free to do as he wanted, free to do what Sahalie wanted. But clearly family would always be a sticking point: it was why he was gone now.

His brows knitted more tightly together in concentrated thought as she rebuffed his reassurance. She didn't need to do much in terms of convincing him that what she said was right, as it was easy to recognize that he did not have the full story. In fact he had precious few details and those were not enough to draw conclusions. He wanted to know though, and that was where his difficulties lie, was in understanding. All he could do was relate what was occurring with her to his own experiences, and it forced him to ask the question, was he a selfish wolf?

She claimed she was thinking of herself as though such consideration was wrong and he had to look back at all the anger he had held because of what others had done and the impact it had on him and the others. Wasn't that important, though? If a wolf cared about another, they would consider the effects their actions had on the other. That they thought the consequences worth it, the pain they would cause justifiable... that mattered, didn't it? Leaving was never the right choice, leaving could never be explained, even if it was 'temporary', even if...

Even if it was a girl as special as Sahalie asking you to do it.

Finally his silver eyes looked up to her again, at a loss for words and emotions. Was that really what she might one day want of him? Or would it all stay hypothetical? The answer felt incredibly important regardless, and the weight of it paralyzed his tongue. Worst of it all, was that the no didn't come so easy to him.

His hesitation seemed to physically press in on him, and he pinched his eyes shut for a moment in an attempt to get a clearer hold upon his thoughts. When they opened again they sought the moonlit floor, and what came out of his mouth was perhaps further postponement.

"My father left for the same reason," he told her for the first time, "left the pack even though we're already struggling, left Attica even though her mother had just abandoned her too, left me even though..." his eyes darkened and narrowed as emotion leaked into his voice, his chest constricting with the effort of fighting it back, "even though he promised that he would stay to help me. Would help me fix things, make things right he decided out of nowhere that he missed her too much and that was more important than all of us and I know..." deep breath, a mindful moment as he tried to let the frustration and the hurt and the resentment slide back down into its hiding place, "I know I'm projecting."

His eyes connected with her face once more, softer now. He didn't want to push her around, to dictate what she should feel with some emotional stemwinder. It wasn't at all why he was sharing with this. Just as she did, he simply wanted to be understood.

"But I just... I don't know how else to see it. I've never known anyone that really came back," Renier he was still waiting to disappear any morning now, "... I've never heard a good reason for what it costs." And...

"I just wish I could protect you from that. From any pain. You've done so much for me, more than you could ever imagine, and I wish... I could be everything you needed. That... that's not enough, though. If I leave, the Ridge dies. I can't justify that. Even for you."

He sighed, haunches lowering to the ground to give his rigid muscles some rest. His gaze sought the ground once more before lifting again, still without clarity. This was definitely not how the night was supposed to go.

"I can visit you every day, if that's what you want... I... Halie... why would you need that? For me to live there?"

sahalie make no sense because she's a teenage girl LOL. trying to channel my inner 16 year old.

She couldn't place the look in his eyes and it worried her. For the first time his colorless eyes gave her a chill. Sven screwed his eyes shut and her ears pressed farther back against her head, feeling awful now at the pain she was causing him. And for what? Nothing was going to change about the situation. Sahalie didn't expect him to leave Willow Ridge to come over to her side of the mountain. How badly did she want it though? What kind of impact would that have on her life? She enjoyed Sven's company, but would she like spending more time with him? He was a smart wolf, but she had never really relied on him for advice in the same way that she had Larkspur or Alastor. Sahalie had to wonder if she was trying to replace Alastor that badly. Sven had his own strengths. She tried to tell herself that she was friends with Sven for different reasons than she was friends with Alastor.

Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend.

Entirely miserable, the girl listened to the boy as he brought up his father. She wanted to groan, wanting to say "<i>me too</i>," never being able to forget her own father running away with Naira to look for Nayeli, but she felt too sick. She wasn't sure how this would be the same reason Sven would go to Oak Tree Bend. Was it the same at all? Her eyebrows rose. Did Sven think of her in the way her father might have thought about Nayeli or Sven's father felt about Attica's mother? Her whole body was so tense that it was shivering. The girl was unsure where any of this was going or how they had reached this point. She wanted it to stop.

Sure, so few wolves came back, but Sahalie was not sure how to keep anyone from leaving, to fault their reasons for doing anything. Drestig and Jessie, she saw now, had their own reasons for leaving, no matter how much it pained her. Larkspur had left and come back. Alastor, his reason felt good to her and he would come back. She was sure. The girl did not really want any part of the bitterness that Sven gripped so tightly. Besides, she thought with an audible huff, she did not need protection like everyone thought. She could not stop herself from thinking of all the things Al had said about protecting her. Why was it always like this?

But finally the universe reached its end: the limit of what it could make other wolves do for Sahalie. Sniffling, the girl nodded, staring at the water. The Ridge had been sick for a long time, and she was quite convinced now that Sven was the sap holding it all together. Certainly his fading grandmother and his "bad crazy" great uncle were not doing it. She knew it would collapse. Was she just waiting for him to abandon ship before it sunk anyways? She took a deep breath. Her voice was soft and dejected, her eyes focused on the water, "I don't know. I guess I was just wondering the boundary...was..." She wasn't sure how true this was. "I just... I don't know. It's. If you were living here... maybe we could stand a chance."

"I'm just afraid of what winter will bring. We'll all grow up and things are gunna happen and we'll get busy. You'll probably step up and become leader of the Ridge and I'll.. I'll lead the Bend. And we'll never see each other and...I dunno. I just wondered if I could see myself with you" Sven was a good man. He was strong. It made more sense to the girl to have him lead by her side if Alastor wouldn't come home. Except Alastor was coming home. Her stomach did sickening, confusing flips as she sighed.

(This post was last modified: Oct 10, 2016, 03:42 AM by Sahalie.)

Yeah, this really was not where the night was meant to go. Where did he want it to go? If there had been any intentions before, they were lost now in the waves of emotions she kept sending his way. Her every reaction affected him deeply, and the worst it seemed he was making her feel the more guilt and frustration he felt. It started to make sense to him that maybe, despite all of her patience and all of her acceptance, he wasn't good for Sahalie.

Maybe he'd let in so much poison that now he was poison.

The boundary? What, of what he'd do for her? Unable to relate, to put it into perspective for himself, he merely watched her with an edge of hopelessness as she pressed on with her words. When 'maybe we could stand a chance' passed from her lips he felt his jaws clench together, something sinking into oblivion within the depths of his guts. More and more he was losing grasp of what she was thinking and she spoke of drifting apart and that hurt.

Her prediction that he would one day lead the Ridge surprised him, the boy having never genuinely considered the idea before. If anything, he'd thought he'd be supporting his father or even, when everything had fallen apart, Niles on his way to the throne. As much as he wanted to take on responsibility and fix things, he was not a leader. The boy was a supporter. None of that was really the point though, the distance or the situation. With meant those thoughts that had tried to creep into his mind when Elettra had told him her thoughts on the gift that was still stowed away within the cavern. The ones that made him feel uncomfortable and so he had avoided them even though being with her was continuously bringing them up.

Now she had just said it and something felt immensely wrong.

"You... why..."

His forelegs were rigid as they held his weight and his tongue failed him. Something even whispered that maybe instead of answering, he should just tell her good night. Instead of being a comfort, a distraction or anything remotely needed he had just worsened her problems. His mind raced to trace backwards through their conversation to try and root out his first mistake, to what had led them to this point. This Al guy leaving. Finally he settled with just blurting what was bothering him most.

"You don't... even seem fond of the idea, I mean... why are you even thinking about this? Is it... did you even think this of me or are you just..." it was difficult to word what he was feeling, he didn't want to come across as mistrusting or insulting, but it was hard to avoid certain phrasing, "trying to make sure you've got the options you need, now that, that other guy might not work out?"

Her leadership was still, at the least, half a year or so away. Surely she wouldn't be expected to take a mate so quickly even if she reached her goal, so why did she feel so rushed to decide on something like this? Where was this pressure coming from that he felt? And why was it making him feel so badly? It seemed as though he should be happy that she would consider him, but instead he just felt weighted and unnerved.

"Don't pretend you feel more for me than you really do. Please. Not you."

this is Not Your Father's Sahalie™

Sahalie considered laying down on the ground and pressing herself into the coolness of the floor just to feel anything else. At least the chill of the rock might have brought relief from her rising temperature. The other alternative was finding a crevice in a rock to jam herself into. Sahalie longed for the comfort and pressure of another wolf beside her but it would have been more than wrong to ask Sven to do any of that. She wanted to feel the weight of some sort of reality against her. It sure didn't feel like anything was real anymore. She spoke phrases she didn't even know the meaning to and heard things even more senseless come from Sven's mouth. He seemed so hurt, so frustrated. My fault, her head throbbed painfully, My fault. She wanted the boy to continue talking and she also really, really didn't.

Was her attitude more wounding to him than her insulting offer to abandon Willow Ridge? It didn't mattered, she'd said it already anyway. But he was absolutely right: she wasn't fond of the idea. In fact she hated all the dead ends in every scenarios she ran in her head. They all lead to choices that meant losing something she had been holding on to for a long time without realizing it. Countless, contradictory, alternate day dreams played out behind her eyelids for hours and hours after the silver boy had left the Bend and every one of them left her feeling sour.

The accusation Sven leveled against the girl was the final straw, and without realizing what she was doing or saying she roared back, "I'm CONFUSED okay? I really like you Sven. I like you and I like Al." There. She'd said it. Probably shouldn't have said it to Sven but there was no Kyna or Marina to be found. "I don't like thinking about this stuff, it messes me up inside. Loving my family and pack mates feels so right, but other feelings just. I don't know. Love fucked my dad up. Love fucks a lot of things up." She had never admitted this to anyone before, but it had affected her every move as her heart began to awkaen. Love had ruined Sven's dad, apparently. Romantic love just felt, to the girl, like a strange, ugly perversion of something that was supposed to be pure, simple, and uncomplicated.

Somehow she couldn't stop it.

"I didn't even want any of it until suddenly Al was gone and it was all I could think about for days. I don't know what's happening and I hate it." She felt sick, as if there was something wrong with her, "I want to be able to...to. I don't know. Cause yeah, it sounds exactly like you said. Like I'm making sure I don't end up alone."

But if romantic love was wrong, what did it mean that she felt the beginnings of it for two wolves?

"It makes me hate myself."