Fallen Tree Cove The Room Where It Happens [M]

 @Lunette sorry this took so long! Set after this thread, so on 2/1 <3 
Edit: This thread is mature because of talk of depression and suicidal thoughts. Please take heed!

I have loved the stars too fondly

Namid didn’t say anything to her child as they moved, traveling along the upper part of the slopes that dipped down into the sandy beaches that circled the edged along the lake. Snow crunched under paw but that was the only sound that was emitted from the queen. She played over what she should say in her head, swimming in uncharted territory. She’d never had to reprimand any of her children this way and she’d certainly never had any of her children behave in such a way. The only things she’d had to do was pull them apart from each other for the occasional little spat they’d had as puppies but that had been it. The pale mother had never expected this sort of behavior to come from her youngest and most quiet. There had to be a reason, she just didn’t know what it could be.

The queen led them up to the birthing den where she’d had all of them, a largely secluded area that overlooked the lake but housed a den built into the side of one of the jutting, rocky areas. She slowed, finally, before moving to sit in the middle of the clearing. Her mismatched gaze leveling on the young girl and she was quiet for a moment longer before taking in a breath. “Would you like to explain what happened?” she asked simply. Her voice was level, still caring but not happy either. Gentle, as always.

To be fearful of the night

(This post was last modified: May 06, 2017, 02:11 AM by Namid.)

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

It was a long road, the one to oblivion.

It was lined by trees, dusted by snow, adorned with the paw prints of her mother. Lunette did her best not to step in them, and on occasion, even turned to look at the long, lonely line of her own ones. Sometimes, she expected them to be gone—it felt so surreal, and her desire to sink through the earth was so strong she expected it to happen any moment. She wondered what it would feel like when the world opened up its mouth to swallow her.

She did not know how long they walked. She did not know where they walked. The only thing marking the passing of time was her frenzied heartbeat, and her uneven, shallow breaths. She walked as if dazed, but somehow too fast, her eyes either blanked out or flitting nervously from tree to tree, doing her best to not take anything in at all.

The worst part wasn't the tension her mother exuded. The worst part was not knowing where she stood on the matter—if she knew what Lunette felt, or if she was like the others. Except for Kajika, of course.

They stopped. It was too soon, and yet not soon enough; she wanted to walk forever, so this moment would never come, but the road had been agonizing and she was, briefly, relieved that it was over. From the corner of her eye, she saw Namid sit down, but Lunette did no such thing. She remained standing, bowed and broken, head hanging and tail still limp. She said nothing. Did nothing—barely even breathed. The words came, a question she wasn't sure she understood, and she dragged in a hopeless breath through clenched teeth.

"Moonshadow stepped in in front of me," she said, quiet, her voice barely more than a whisper. Then, she said no more. It was, after all, what had happened, and she wasn't sure anyone wanted to listen to her explanations anyway. Best she just nod and smile and conform and slowly choke herself, until there was nothing left but the expectations she met.

I have loved the stars too fondly

Her child looked positively stricken as the mother looked upon her, everything about her now cowering. It was a stark contrast to the image of hostility that had been shown not 15 minutes beforehand. She waited for the answer to tumble from the youngest Vuesain’s lips, wanting to understand why her sweet little girl would think it was ever okay to speak to another packmate in such a manner. They owed so much to Moonshadow, she couldn’t allow the behavior toward the dark woman to slide no matter how much she wanted to simply hug Lunette.

“Moonshadow stepped in front of me,” she offered weakly and the woman’s brows raised. That was her reason? Because she’d simply been protecting the girl under her mother’s orders? “Lunette, Moonshadow was simply following my orders. You are young and still have much to learn. I know it is frustrating to have to be looked after by everything but you must understand, you are my entire world. If anything were to ever happen to you I do not know what I would do with myself. If you are going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me,” she responded with knit brows and a gentle frown tugging at her blackened lips.

To be fearful of the night

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

She was not watching—she never wanted to see again. She never wanted to read the expression on another's face, or hear the meaning twining around their voice. Never again did she want to witness their intent, whether good or ill. Never again did she want to be around anyone. Never again did she want the yoke of expectation placed upon her.

She crumbled under it; she could never be alone. She would never be strong enough. Never good enough.

So she would have to live in the shadow, a bitter, feeble creature, fickle and fragile. “Lunette, Moonshadow was simply following my orders.” No. You never told her to step in front of me. You never told her anything at all. “You are young and still have much to learn.” Then let me learn. “I know it is frustrating to have to be looked after by everything but you must understand, you are my entire world. If anything were to ever happen to you I do not know what I would do with myself.” But something will happen to me—the day you decide I'm magically old enough, and yet know nothing, for I was never trusted. And what if something happens to Ismena? You let her go.

Lunette would never be her sister. Lunette would never be anything but a mouse. “If you are going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me,” her mother finished, and Lunette kept staring through the ground. Surely, laying in the mountain would be better than constantly letting everyone down.

She wasn't even mad. She had been.. irritated, to put it mildly, and in the heat of things it bothered her that Moonshadow had done such a simple mistake as stepping in in front of her. It had seemed deliberate, but either it was cruel or misguided—the latter, she had realized, was the truth.

Lunette had been in no danger, but as a worthless little girl, she had no voice, for she was not worth defending. "I understand, Mama," was all she said, apathetic and dead as the snow all around them.

I have loved the stars too fondly

There was no reaction from her child, no indication other than the falling of her breath that she was really alive and feeling anything at all. Nothing that showed what she had been before and Namid had to wonder if she’d just imagined the whole incident. But she knew she hadn’t and somewhere in her daughter was something wanting to be let out, a frustrated self that she hid away from the world. Lunette had always been gentle and shy but in a different way than her littermate. While Ismena had been curious and meek in her endeavors Lunette was mostly just...terrified. Terror brought up many things in a wolf and the queen suspected they’d just witnessed a bit of what Lunette’s terror could provoke.

“Lunette, honey, please talk to me. I just want to understand because I have never seen you like that. It is not a bad thing to have a little fire but if you let it stay inside it will burn you from the inside out. What are you thinking, what are you feeling,” she pleaded. She wanted to help her youngest with everything that she had but she couldn’t help her if she didn’t tell her what was going on.

To be fearful of the night

A young deer has been separated from the rest of its herd. Hunt Opportunity

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

And was that letting her down, too? Was that failing to meet expectations? Had she not said what her mother wanted? She thought she had—but she hadn't, clearly. She didn't know what else to do about it, though. She just stood there, head bowed, the words washing over her like water. They didn't mean anything. They didn't change anything. They didn't do anything but provoke that bitter thing in her, the one that curled up and sneered and snarled, if you want to understand, then why were you so quick to judge?. Hadn't they already cast their judgment on her? Hadn't they already decided she'd been in the wrong, out of line..? And corrected it.

Her breath puffed into little clouds. A little fire. She didn't want to call it fire—it didn't feel like fire. It had felt like.. strength. Courage. Tasted of confidence, of certainty, of finally knowing what was right and wrong in a situation. When she had dared to trust her intuition, it had done nothing but shatter her and drive all the pieces firmly into the ground.

"Nothing," she finally said, her voice smoke rising up—her entire body smoke, fur rippling in the breeze, spotted with snow. She wanted to be smoke and drift away, away from this... whatever it was. Her mother's attempt to care for her, and her inability to accept it, the walls thrown too high and something at the top of them yelling make up your goddamn mind. It didn't feel like love, when initiated in such a way. She raised her head a fraction. "I feel nothing. I want to be dead. There is nothing to understand." Defiance had crept into her eyes, into the lines around her mouth, sat like something hot behind her teeth wanting to be spat out as she dug her grave one foot deeper.

I have loved the stars too fondly

The mother watched a war rage behind those brown eyes that she adored so. She wanted to take the pain away, remove the worry that plagued the youngest Vuesain child. And, internally she cursed herself. This had to be her doing. Her blood flowed through the child’s veins, which meant her weakness must have as well. And, this thought was perhaps the most terrifying of all. To think that Lunette might be experiencing the same darkness she went through was horrible. It was something she shuddered to think of and something she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy, much less her pup.

Suddenly, a flicker could be seen in the pale girl’s eyes by the crease of her brow and the speeding of her breath. She watched life spill out, but it was not virtuous or loving. It was a sickness, as she understood it, and the light flickering there was of a different flame than she thought belonged.

"I feel nothing. I want to be dead. There is nothing to understand."

Everything seemed to stop. Time, her breathing, her heart. No, her heart didn’t stop. The cracks already placed there by her other children’s absences expanded, branching out until finally a chunk fell to the pit of her stomach.  Lunette wanted to...die? Why. Why. What had she done wrong? What had she said? Had she loved her too poorly? Too much? For the life of her she couldn’t understand. The images that flashed through her mind were ones that she saw in her nightmares at night. The bodies of Aleister, Ismena, Cernan, and now Lunette as well. Lifeless. Failure. She had failed them, all of them in one way or another. She fought to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from her mismatched gaze, auds lowering as her body throbbed with the pain of even the thought of her baby’s death.

“What did I do? I am so sorry my darling for anything I might have said or done that would you want to…” she couldn’t dare speak the words. “But there is everything to understand. I want to help you! Please, let me help you,” she pleaded.

To be fearful of the night

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

There.

She'd done it.

She'd ruined everything.

Like pieces of shattered glass falling before her eyes, her mother crumbled at the defiant words. It wasn't exactly what Lunette had wanted—the last thing she wanted to do was to inflict pain upon her family, but.. She had been pressed for the truth, and bitterly, angrily, she had shared it, because obviously they hadn't been able to see it for themselves—obviously, they didn't live the same. If they, too, had spent all their time terrified of upsetting anyone, and wishing the earth would swallow them, surely they would've understood earlier? And not made such a big deal of it?

Lunette didn't want to die. She wanted to be dead. There was a difference, wider than the mountain. She had absolutely no interest in ensuring her own death. It would be..cowardly, too easy, and heavens forbid anything in her life was ever easy.

She just wouldn't mind being dead already.

She had lived so long like this—her entire life, in fact—that it wasn't terrifying news anymore. It wasn't a big deal. It just was, much less crippling than the voice in her head and the sickening effect of her heart rushing. She had failed, somehow, she had let someone down, done something wrong. It destroyed her. It destroyed her world. On the other hand—she wanted to be dead. No big deal. It'd be nice and quiet and she wouldn't be able to upset anyone or care about anything at all. It was much, much worse living through the sessions in which her mind gnawed and tore at her.

But in the midst of it all, she found her mother cracking, and she was unable to do anything about it. That voice in her willed her to take it back, act normal, but all she could do was look at her mother with a kind of sympathy that felt much too arrogant for her own like. Poor Mama, being so afraid—don't worry, everything is just as it was two days ago. Nothing had changed except Lunette would wake up tomorrow and be dead scared of both Tagg and Moonshadow, and nurture the world's biggest grudge towards Neha. Her desire to be dead would not have changed at all.

Actually, that thing in her eyes? It felt more like pity.

"Mama," she began, much too calm for the situation, "it's nothing you did, and it's nothing you didn't, either." She had come to the conclusion that she had just been born this way. It sucked, but it wasn't her mother's fault. "I—" What? I don't think you can help me? No one could help her. The monster had to remain a secret. "Don't worry," she settled on (lame, I know). "Nothing's changed. I'll be alright."

I have loved the stars too fondly

The pale woman was at such a loss. She felt like she was the most useless wolf in the world. Where had she gone wrong? Where had they gone wrong? All she’d ever done was try to be kind, try to be understanding. She’d gotten stomped on, pummeled under the paws of those who had entered their borders and those who had arrived from her very womb. Cernan, Ismena, and Aleister. They had all left her, one with a word but the others with nothing. They’d left her with an empty space in her heart and yet she’d managed to pick her shattered self up off the ground and stumble along like nothing had ever happened. She couldn’t blame Lunette for how she felt because she knew she couldn’t help it. Lord knew Namid hadn’t been able to, but a certain part of her was afraid. Afraid that she, too, would leave them. Whether it be that she left this world or left the pack.

There was pity in those chocolate eyes. When had the woman become someone to pity? She was a queen, regal and strong, yet in that moment she felt anything but. It felt like her dear child was speaking to her in reverse rolls. Yet she wasn’t the one in a downhill spiral, she wasn’t the one that wanted death. She insisted that there was nothing that the Star Dancer could have done but she couldn’t quite accept that. She would be alright but she didn’t want Lunette to be alright. She wanted her to be perfect, fantastic, wonderful, anything better than alright.

For someone in such a place of power she felt so powerless.

“I cannot not worry, unfortunately. But...please do not do anything reckless. Please. I have already lost your sister and two of your brothers, I cannot lose you,” she said quietly.

To be fearful of the night