Jasper Rocks as long as you love me, this could get ugly

For @Veho~

honeymoon is over, roses on the floor

July 28th; Afternoon; Rain; 60 ° F, 16 ° C.

By now the two of them had come to a point where they were just rolling through the motions. The smiles in passing one another were fewer. What brief touches and nuzzles were shared were just what they were: touches. Rook was starting to wonder now just what the sabbatical had done for Veho. Perhaps he shouldn't have gone at all - and, at the event of Ophelia's passing, he should have taken it then. Maybe the Veho he had waited for would have returned.

Today, Rook hadn't strayed far from the Old Bear Den. Since he had gotten up this morning, he hadn't checked up on Amaryllis, Merida, and Mouse yet. He vowed to himself that he would do that later. A good walk (or patrol) in the rain was his main priority right now. Something had to be done and Rook was done waiting to have a moment with his partner. If Veho wasn't going to actively seek him out then he was going to find him and make that connection. Any kind of connection. Just to see where they each stood in relation to the other. When Veho had left, they had been at odds; now, in the wake of new cubs with all their previous yearlings scattered to the wilderness, it was hard to say.

The Lyall stiffly fell back into step, peering through the trees and sniffing about until he picked up a recent scent trail that told of Veho's possible location. With a sore heart and heavy paws, he set off in hopes of a flash of gray fur...

Veho couldn’t remember how he got here – didn’t remember the morning or waking up, or if he even slept.  The Ancestors were here, somewhere, but they didn’t speak, no matter how many mushrooms he swallowed down.  Ophelia hadn’t spoken to him just yet, and he wondered if she was mad at him.  Or if she’d gotten lost somewhere on the way between this world and the next.  Truthfully, he preferred the first. 

But he was so beyond the thick of his own skull, it was hard for the grey wolf to prefer much of anything at all. 

There were a great many things he should be doing – as an alpha, or as a parent, or even as a friend to someone who’d lost a child – but for the first time in a very long time, Veho was simply Veho.  With Ophelia’s death came the horrid realization he had no idea how to be such a wolf, nor how to deal with such grief – Neha’s loss was nothing like the burning, searing, stabbing pain that came with losing one’s own child.  Ancestors only knew if Felix and Joan were there to greet her, too. 

He was half-laying in the water – the mushrooms made him hot, maybe, it was hard to remember – when his pale eyes fell upon the wolf he’d taken up with seasons ago. “They won’t talk to me,” he remarked, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, as if his pupils weren’t blown, as if it were any other day. “It has been a very long time, you know.  I think they are angry.” 

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 12:43 PM by Veho.)

honeymoon is over, roses on the floor

Through the mist and rain he had followed the river until he found what he had been looking for. There, halfway in the shallows was Grizzly Hollow's Leader, undoubtedly soaked to the undercoat. Rook's mismatched eyes widened as he sprinted over, relieved when Veho acknowledged him. This particular spot, among a few others along this part of Jasper Rocks, was one that Rook could not visit without remembering what nearly happened before the medicine man had stumbled upon him. He had to take a few breaths until he calmed the frantic beating of his heart.

Even if they hadn't spoken (in depth or at length) for a while, Rook still understood their language. His ears perked forward; there was no question about who the 'they' Veho spoke of was. The Ancestors... Veho's Ancestors. The Lyall edged closer to the river's edge, standing still for a moment before setting his forepaws wrist-deep in the water. "I know," he acknowledged, his tone of voice just loud enough to be heard over the babbling current. "But what for? You haven't done anything wrong."

Here, is where Rook might have offered some advice, but he still knew too little to fully understand the Ancestors who inhabited a realm well beyond the waking one. All he could do was be there...

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, peering over to see the state of Veho's nose, wondering if its sheen was normal or simply wet from the river. "Can I get you something?"

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

"Haven't I?"

Veho was fairly certain he had, either in this life or the past. He could have listed a great many things from this life alone. Becoming a leader was fine -- until he stayed a leader when he said he wouldn't. Was he still helping them?  Had anything actually good happened in Grizzly Hollow since he'd taken over the male alpha role?  The questions might have continued, has his trail of thought not faded way like spring's flowers as they entered into the summer seasons. 

The wolf crooked his head at an awkward angle, squinting pale eyes up at the younger wolf. They were not the same twin moons they were once, but dull coins held old to a another man. But what was he paying for?

"She hasn't, either. I hope she isn't lost." His voice warbled and he shook his head, changing direction abruptly as he lurched to his feet. "Do you love her?  Amaryllis?  She has what I don't. Maybe that's why they're angry. Why they took her--"

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 12:44 PM by Veho.)

His offer was cast aside, answered instead with musings that had possibly been lurking in the darkest corners of Veho's mind since he had left. Veho felt terrible; and, as Rook saw, he also looked terrible. It probably wasn't a good time to go back to the time when they both shouldered responsibilities as Leader and Second - not yet. What Rook ultimately heard, though, was worry. This wasn't new. Frankly, if it wasn't him, it was his partner...

"You know Ophelia better than I do," he reminded. "But you and I both know that she couldn't have gotten lost. She knows how to find her own way. She is her father's daughter after all." He might have mentioned the Whitebark blood in Ophelia's veins, but the likeness to her aunt @Namid came first - would probably always come first.

The Leader wobbled onto his feet. Beside him, Rook trembled, half-anticipating to 'catch' Veho if he stumbled in the shallows. Then, he plummeted to the deep end, something the Lyall knew he could not escape. He had prepared for this in the time that Veho had been gone - whether he was ready or not, depended on just how well his answers were perceived. Rook Lyall could not lie, that was a fact.

At first, Rook did not understand. How Veho was considering himself punished for something he didn't have. What was that? The incorrect anatomy? It was ridiculous. The masked male made a face as he looked at his partner's drenched chest and underbelly. "I love her," he admitted, his tone of voice slow and calculated. "But not in the way I love you. I've found, in the time that you were away, that I love you deeper, greater..."

He paused, his two-toned eyes dropping to the water at his feet before seeking the fur along the older man's cheek. "You have to know, Veho. You have to... You know that I love you. So very, very much, right?" His head tilted and he studied Veho's posture, what clues his body language would give him as to what the other man was feeling apart from guilt and grief. "Where you see loss, there is life, too, if you could see it. We've a son, Mouse." He might have tacked on that they had a daughter too, but he had yet to observe whether or not Amaryllis had decided that she was on-board with the whole three-parent thing he had proposed (or so he thought) some time ago. At this point, he wasn't even sure if Merida called Veho "Dad" or not. Mouse, on the other hand, had just gotten the "Dada" part down. "They couldn't be so cruel as to only take... they've given you - us - some joy, even if only something... small."

Rook wished he could have apologized for Ophelia's death, for Felix's wandering paws, for Joan's sudden disappearance, but it was not him that was at fault. Not directly. What had come and gone had, simply, gone. If he could see that, surely Veho was able to also. If not, Rook was determined to shine his light on the shadow his partner had become. "I've been where you are," he said, his voice low. "The bottom is comforting. It's dark and there's so much you can do because the others can't see just where you've gone. You play with your blame and your anxieties and your hurt; you cut yourself open on the inside because there was so much you could have done, should have done. I know it all, Merlin... The river is nice, but I will not stand idly by and wait for it to carry you away."

Oh, how the tables had turned.

"Tell me everything. It will hurt and it will change things - for the good or for the worst - but I want to hear all of it. I didn't claim you as my partner, my lover, my true mate, for nothing, Veho."

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

Shallow water has trapped several fish in a small pond. Hunt Opportunity

No, he didn't know. 

No, that wasn't their son. 

He had no part in that. There was no discussion. Didn't name the boy, didn't help (outside of the birth itself, but there was no reason not to help a wolf in need) with anything involved in raising. Didn't. Couldn't. Perhaps the child was better for it -- clearly, his own trio hadn't benefitted from his care. When the best you could hope was that they weren't dead, well...

Veho laughed aimlessly. Joylessly. 

"Do not. Could you replace Tomen with Merritt?  Each wolf is his, or her, own. And Ophelia cannot be replaced by anyone.  I will not. She was the only good one."

The only one that stayed, of his four. Maybe she should have left too. Maybe she would have lived. Veho wasn't certain about much of anything anymore. Only that he clearly had not accomplished what he'd once set out to do. "Do you love me?  Or only the idea. I am a great many ideas. Unfulfilled promises, and they are very mad. My paws are on the wrong path. But which?  Namid does no different and hers are fine. Maybe we were never welcome here at all. Ghosts. There are ghosts, I think. Strangers. Ah, but my girl, there she is. I never should have doubted such a good wolf."

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 12:45 PM by Veho.)

Veho laughed. He laughed and any semblance of Rook's confidence fell away - even if only for a moment.

"Do not," the grey man had started, going on as to point out that Rook was replacing his eldest son for his youngest, Ophelia for someone else, that Ophelia had been the good one. Rook's breath caught in his chest and he had to keep a hold of himself to keep from interrupting him. More accusations. More words that certainly did not belong to his Veho, the man he had fallen in love with so many seasons ago. What was concerning was just how deep Veho was troubled about it all, about Ophelia's untimely, unfortunate fate...

Once the first dagger had pierced, surely the additions others would hurt no more than that.

For a time, Rook just breathed, trying to wrap his head around what had afflicted his partner. He squinted into those pale eyes, recognized that the Leader was under the influence and, more than likely, susceptible to the extreme ends of their conversation. Maybe this wasn't the time to talk. He would have to change his game plan and he would bring this up another time, remind Veho what he had said.

"That isn't fair," he countered without yelling or a wounded tone. "You're putting words in my mouth, but you listen here: You are not on the wrong path. You are on your own path. You don't like it? Go elsewhere then." As soon as those last three words had left his lips, he realized that each one rang true. He had meant it to mean that Veho could change his path, but found that he was also fine with the literal meaning of it. "Maybe we were never welcome here. Maybe... I don't know..."

He stared at the side of Veho's face, his tail limp behind him. "I love you. How dare you question that." He swallowed hard, "There are ghosts here, but they're mine, my parents', my family's." They welcomed me... He backed up onto the river bank, moving his wet paws back into the silt and sitting down.

"Ophelia was good," he agreed, sighing at the thought of her absence. "I'm sorry for your loss." She'll come around in time, he wanted to mention, but found himself withholding it. It wasn't his place to say. "You're good, too, Veho. You're a good father. I hope you know that, even after and through all this."

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

"How dare I?"

Veho's lips curled into an ugly snarl, something finally lighting in dead eyes. How dare he -- he left, over and over again, after so many promises, after tying him to this haunted place. And no warning at all!  His Ancestors were bogged down somewhere with Rook's and he'd been looking in all the wrong places.  He laughed again, and there was something wet on his face. He wasn't laughing at all. Another sob ripped through him, sharp and violent, and he stepped backwards. 

"My daughter is DEAD!" He howled, "And you--  You--  Good!?  I am not good, she is DEAD, and my friends are gone and you want me to love the child you made with a woman I trusted. That you love. Where do you see me, anyways?"  He laughed again. It still didn't sound like laughter at all.  Maybe this was why his parents couldn't have a second litter. Maybe. Maybe he was cursed.  "I am sad, I am so hopelessly sad.  What is left?  Am I even real?  This place broke its promise to me -- I am trapped, hopelessly. My own doing. And I could never leave my poor daughter here. She'll be so lonely. Ah. That's why they are mad, isn't it?  I broke the promise. All this time, I thought maybe I was bound to Love, but I was bound by Duty long before. And I cursed you with this. And this place. That's where they went. Why they won't talk. I've lost it, haven't I?  I broke my deal and I've lost my skill. And I've cursed you all."

He stumbled back towards the river with a great sigh. He was getting hot again. "I broke my promise, didn't I?"

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 12:47 PM by Veho.)

(Mistah) Your words are shaking me, giving me whiplash
(Mistah) We're on a trampoline and soon we're gonna crash
But, ah ah ah, ah ah ah
As long as you love me, this could get ugly...
- Jaira Burns, "Ugly"

---

More of his proclamations met with the opposite reaction of what Rook had been expecting. This time, there came a snarl, followed by more of that hollow laughter... or, more like sobs. Rook's ears fell, startled as the man howled. He made it clear just exactly what was causing this rift. His daughter dead. He did not consider himself as "good." His friends were gone. There was probably no chance in hell Mouse would have a place as Veho's adopted/surrogate son. In regards to the last query, so be it... Rook had given him a chance. It would be up to Mouse sometime down the road if he would keep "Dada."

The Lyall had to steel himself. In his head to kept having to remind himself that the mushrooms had an effect on Veho; he had just never been around to witness it having such an impact on him and, oh boy, was this bad. Very bad. What topped it all was the verbal confirmation that he was sad - not just sad, but hopelessly sad. Then there were strong words: real, broke, trapped, leave, lonely... love, duty, cursed... lost. It was almost too much to bear. If anything, the Leader had been right and now the pack was suffering from the lack of communication.

"Veho," he wanted the Macieo's full attention, as much as he could muster up or spare. "You didn't break your promise. You didn't curse me with anything. You aren't cursed and Ophelia will not be lonely." She had Rook's brothers to play with, she even had Borden out there somewhere to keep an eye on her. Maybe even her aunt Neha, but Rook would never mention that either. He stared at the waterlogged man, who had gone back into the shallow water. Rook slowly stood up, still wanting to sit next to the man whom he believed still held his heart - it was in there, somewhere, maybe not with Veho's own but hidden beneath the black and the darkness that had accumulated within. "Tell me more... what I can do to help you, what you feel." He grimaced at the back of Veho's head. I asked too much of you. I knew it all along, really.

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 06:25 PM by Rook.)

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.