Windsong Fjord just a few more months then we'll be fine

Don’t touch me she instructed, and he obeyed, reclaiming that step forward he had taken and swinging his muzzle away, out toward the expansive tundra beyond the fjord. Still listening, but finally beginning to accept that this was something he could not help. It hurt, perhaps even more than her initial confession. All of that pain, and nothing he could do about any of it? His heart clenched at the thought, and the edges of his lips pulled downward in a deep frown.

Chan felt incredibly small and disempowered. Help was all he'd ever been able to give.

Cole insisted there was no changing her trajectory, and her allusion to suicide caused a pained spasm to cross his features. More loss was never the answer. She might have felt her death would mean nothing, but Chan refused to believe that even the most troubled wolves could not still add something worthwhile and necessary to the world. He was thankful she seemed to dismiss the idea, but still his worries had only increased by mention of the notion. She meant to say goodbye, but he couldn't let it go just yet.

"Taking for granted what you helped steal from others isn't the tribute you think it is. It's insulting, honestly."

The words were not spoken with anger or disgust, but as though they were facts. For Chan, they were.

"You can convince yourself you've got nothing left to give, but it's not true."

(This post was last modified: Oct 21, 2022, 02:40 AM by Chan.)

As she’d half come to anticipate from the other, he couldn’t let her go. And though the ghost had managed to regain her composure, to a degree, she found that she could not muster the anger that typically masked and was a reprieve from all of the other emotions.

The point he made, or tried to make, anyway, was kind of a new one, though - at least the first part. Maybe there were still ways she could be useful, too, but what those were… the ghost did not know. Even so, it was something Cole hadn’t considered, and it gave her reason to pause her stride. At least for a few moments.

”You’re right,” she agreed quietly, good eye focusing on the ground beneath her forepaws for a moment. That was another reason, she supposed, not to take the easy way out. ”But this isn’t meant to be a tribute. It is retribution.”

This time, though, there was no bite to the response. Colette did not want to argue, not yet, but instead, explain her thoughts, and possibly understand his. ”Besides, what could I possibly have to give, or hope to do, that would be meaningful? Because, for the life of me, I don’t know.” A part of the ghost hoped desperately that Chan would be able to give her a solid answer. Or at least enough to think over and make sense of, later. Anything.

The other part, though, expected nothing more than the same sort of drivel she’d heard many times, from many others and in various contexts, throughout her existence.

(This post was last modified: Oct 03, 2022, 05:03 AM by Colette.)

Retribution. The word brought on a bad taste in his mouth, just as the idea of her taking her own life had. Vengeance, getting even- some even called it justice. Whatever term was used, Chan had no use for it, and felt confident that he never would. 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,' after all.

She was still talking though, and he would certainly take that. All she had to leave him was one single thread of hope, a sliver of a chance that this could still end up alright. His ears leaned back, and there was a tinge of earnest desperation in his voice now.

"Anything. There's no making loss of life 'right,' it'll probably never feel like enough but anything is better than just a void where you and everything you could be was."

It was difficult to pick the right words, and honestly he wasn't sure if they even existed to properly encompass how strongly he felt on this subject. To him, it was as simple as addition. Something was always better than nothing, right? All the while it would be difficult, he didn't expect her to ever be able to fully shed the guilt she must feel or even come to truly like herself again. Wasn't that the punishment she sought, though? Instead of giving in to it and letting it steal her life too, she needed to fight to continue on in spite of it in memory of them.

"... giving back to something, even if it's just helping keep your pack fed and protected, how couldn't that be better than just giving up... ?"

Anything, he answered. What came after further pricked the ghost’s conscience, and it did demonstrate he understood this could never be fixed. But was it really worth trying, if that was the case? Was anything really better than her just.. disappearing?

Chan sounded like he was pleading. Which continued to wrench her heart in ways she’d not felt for a long while. A part of her debated just accepting what he’d said, whether or not it proved doable in the long term, to try to spare him some future concern. Then he was speaking again, a.. suggestion of sorts, perhaps, tied to the inquiry. A pack. Belonging, providing. Those things might be helpful and even therapeutic, but it would never feel right.

”It might be,” the ghost admitted again, taking a breath to turn once more to face her company, taking care to continue her response without any anger or emotion. ”But if I were to try to settle somewhere, with others.. would that not also be just as insulting to the memories of those I’ve harmed - dead and living?" That, too, felt unfair and unjust. Because inevitably, undoubtedly, if she stayed anywhere, bonds would be made, and relationships forged. Those were things Colette also hoped to avoid. And things she certainly didn’t deserve.

”I cannot justify allowing myself to have the things in my life, that I took from them. And.. if there is such a thing as fate.. or karma, I’d rather not put anyone else at risk, when it comes for me.” And she could see it. Settling in somewhere, only for some kind of tragedy to strike and start taking any friends or loved ones she might have away. That would be a deserved level of cosmic justice right there - but not something others, like Reika, or her new friends should face. ”So.. that leaves me stuck. Maybe I can still try to help anyone I meet along the way, do what I can, here and there. But a pack.. friends? I can’t.”

That could never be. And it left her only one path.

(This post was last modified: Oct 31, 2022, 04:14 PM by Colette.)

sorry i've been so slow on this, really struggling to find the right words for chan to express himself with lol. thank u for your patience as always. <3

It might be. She gave him inches and he spun them into miles of a hopeful fabric. These small things, this brief lingering of hers, would help ease his conscience in the future when circumstances forced him back to the shelter of the Cove. Her own fate would end up left in the paws of others, but at least they were ones he fully trusted.

She asked if going toward the sunlight was turning her back on the shadows of her past trespasses, and Chan shook his muzzle subtly, briefly 'no,' as he listened to her continue with her reasoning.

'Maybe I can still try to help anyone I meet along the way, do what I can, here and there.'

He would be thankful for that, truly. It was better than taking her own life or otherwise severing herself completely from the world as he'd so feared she would. Colette was capable of much more, however; he would not doubt that no matter how deeply she did.

"If karma's worth a damn, it'll have accurate aim," he dismissed lightly, not truly a believer of even that simple system much less their ability to properly anticipate such an enigmatic thing.

"No one's expecting you to be at peace. I'm asking you to be brave, Cole. I know you have it in you otherwise you wouldn't be here with us now. You don't have to suffer loudly or even in plain sight for it to be earnest, and I can't imagine there's much worse than the pain you must feel inside living with what you did. Wallowing, making a pariah of yourself, does that really strengthen it?"

The ever-so-slight shake of his head did not go unnoticed by her one-eyed gaze. Chan did not think it would be an insult to those she’d harmed to allow herself some kind of bond with others. Although she wished she could be convinced by that, to allow herself to feel the same, Colette did not think it possible. At least not completely. But at least it was something to think about.

He appeared as well to dismiss her concerns of fate or karma, prompting the ghost to tip her head to one side skeptically. ”That is what I fear most. You reap what you sow,” she murmured. She could only hope nobody else would be harmed when that debt came due.

What he had to say next did genuinely provide her with something more to think about, too. She didn’t agree with all of it, but she couldn’t completely discount most of what he’d said here today, either. Most of this was.. a difference of opinion. Nobody could be wrong in what they thought, most of the time.

”Don’t know that I’ve got any bravery left. I’m here ‘cause of Reika. Because I probably owe her my life. Won’t walk out on a debt like that. But.. being alone?” Colette paused, taking a breath and then an additional moment or two to collect her thoughts and try to formulate them into words. ”At least I know nothing bad’s gonna happen to anyone because of me, that way. My problems are mine alone, and I’m not burdening anyone else with them. I do find some peace in that.”

Compared to the guilt and pain, it was hardly significant. But it was something, at least. Sometimes, that was just enough to keep her going. ”I hate myself for hurting you, too. Always will. I still wish we’d not met again, but..” once more the ghost found herself momentarily lost for words, and she idly scratched one paw at the ground.

”Thank you for not hating me, for it. For believing in me and.. trying.” With that, the ghost attempted a smile, a small one, but genuine. That was Chan, though. And why she still cared for and respected the hell out of the man, despite their differences. He stuck to his principles and hadn’t let bad things break him.

oh it’s all good. This's a bit wordy but I’m.. pleasantly surprised by the turn this thread took, too. I think we might be good to fade here though, unless you’ve got more c:

She didn't want others caring for her so that they didn't have to experience loss, he gleaned. Didn't want to disappoint Reika, didn't want to risk forming her own attachments. Scared to try, as so many were. She had the strength and the mettle, but she had to make the choice to utilize them. That wasn't something he could do for her by any measure, but thankfully knowing helped alleviate that internal pressure to do so. So did her claim of gratitude, and seeing that little glimmer of something more than numb. His tail wagged, the arcs small but earnest.

"... I promised I'd come back to visit you, remember?"

Maybe she had hoped it had been a half-baked assurance, but Chan had never vowed as much to any other wolf not related to him by blood. That was a heavy thing for Chan, to anchor himself in that way and attempt to control his future, but that was how close he had felt to her even despite their disagreements. This was all different now, of course, but...

"I was planning to pass through the Basin on my way to the ocean with Flair n' Gwen. Maybe you were right about it being dangerous for me there now. Maybe, by showing up, you've actually saved our lives."

Perhaps not. Thanks to Colette, despite her role in the whole affair, Chan hadn't had to find out the hard way. He gave a small shrug and a smile that nearly mirrored her own. He could never be happy for all of this, but that didn't mean he couldn't cherish what little good had managed to survive. Chan took a step to the side, ready to give her space again now that his fears had settled some and continue with his own plans for the day.

"I hope I see you around, Cole."

eee i'm happy with it too. :3 also finally named the pack they were in together 'rainwater basin' so yeah sorry about that lol kept forgetting it needed done still. you can archive whenever you're ready. <3

(This post was last modified: Dec 08, 2022, 06:49 AM by Chan.)

The promise he spoke of had, in fact been forgotten. Or perhaps more accurately, pushed aside by the destruction of an empire and memories of more atrocities experienced in a matter of weeks than any wolf should ever have to see in a lifetime. Even though Cole was glad the promise hadn’t come to fruition, she did remember. And the inquiry prompted a broadening of her smile, and a small nod.

Chan then admitted something more, and whether or not it was true, the ghost would cling to it. At very least, she supposed, she’d spared him and his friends from finding out about what’d happened in a way that likely would’ve hurt a lot more. Again, Cole offered a tiny nod. That was another tiny bit of light to cling to, in this whole screwed-up series of things.

And while she still wasn’t quite sure she’d go as far as hoping to meet again, she was certainly far less opposed to that possibility than she’d been only a short while ago. ”Like I said, I’ll.. be around. And thank you.. again.” While nothing could ever absolve her guilt, not being hated by one of the few wolves that'd ever actually meant something to her was a start. She’d still be here, at least for a while. Until that debt to Reika was paid or she was sure the kid would be alright alone.



--fade/exit ^^