Jasper Rocks as long as you love me, this could get ugly

“I am not good. My daughter is dead and I’m alive to say.”

Shouldn’t parents give up their lives for their children? It was a bit of a double standard – he’d never blamed his own parents for the loss of his sister when there was clearly nothing they could do – but Veho had always held himself to a higher standard than any other wolf. Only fair, wasn’t it? Couldn’t control the others, only himself. Only what he did.

His legs wobbled again and down he tumbled, stiff limbs gone to wet noodles as he fell awkwardly to his belly, and then his side. With his nose barely above water, he didn’t seem to care at all, not that it was in one of his ears. The water lapped at him, cold and relentless – or maybe it was the guilt eating at him from all sides. At least his entire head was wet now, and he didn’t have to debate just why his cheeks were soaked and his eyes burned. Veho gave a shuddering sigh.

“I should have helped her. Or…” Eyes slipped shut. He wasn’t sure what else to say, not anymore. It felt empty, and hollow – who was he when all the anger and sadness was drained away? “I don’t hate him. Mouse. Or Merida, or Roland, or Aegir. Any of them. But I am cursed, clearly. All mine are gone now. Can’t do that to any more children. Can’t. I should have known. Seen. Ancestors are guiding paws – not mine, but away. Mine were firmly planted. Not listening, perhaps. But I can’t hear them now. I want to.”

Veho made a lame attempt to curl all his limbs to himself, like a child himself, as if he could make himself small, as if he could make all the hurt stop. “I don’t think…I know who I am.” Father. Leader. Healer. Lover. Those where all whats, not whos, and besides, he wasn’t very good at any of them. When he opened his eyes again, they weren’t quite as cloudy. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I failed.”

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 01:38 PM by Aideen.)

It was clear by now that Veho needed to grieve. The pain was too great, too fresh, too much. Rook couldn't fix it. He could not bring Ophelia back, he could not take back what had already happened, and he was presently unable to prove to Veho that he was good. As the Macieo fell into the water, Rook darted forward, looming over the man he loved, whose face was half submerged. He touched his nose to Veho's with a small whine. For such a small gesture, he hoped his message was clear: Hey, it's okay that you're not okay. I'm here.

"No one truly knows who they are in the end," Rook assured him, voice now tentative and quiet. "But those who see you sometimes do." His lips trembled in a frail smile. It was possibly daring, to say such a thing, but in that moment the Lyall saw for himself what remained of his partner. He saw son's adoptive father, his pack superior, his father's healer, his lover...

He saved his defensive and combative words for another time, for when Veho was more likely to hear them. Rook need only remember that he was going to fight, fight to make Veho remember just who he was. If he was not himself, he at least had to remember that he was apart of something bigger, that Rook's life had been halved so that the Macieo could inhabit the space he had made for him. Most important of all, he had to remind himself to tell his mate that he had not failed - and, that, if he chose to reject the idea, life did go on. Rook had failed his father, had failed his twin, had failed his family in so many ways, had failed Quil and her sister Cinder... and after it all, he still stood - even now as he tried to shoulder Veho's own pain.

"I know what you should do," he offered, standing fully in the water now as he turned about look in the water down upon Veho's so that they stood opposite each other. To the ear that remained out of the water, he asked, "Would you like to hear it?"

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2017, 07:16 PM by Rook.)

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

“Who am I?”

Was there an answer to that question? If there was, he didn’t expect Rook to have it – maybe he could catch glimpses of it, sometimes, underneath all the darkness and misery that currently blanketed the wolf – and he certainly didn’t have the right to ask. It was a rhetorical question, he thought to himself, if only because he didn’t want to know the answer to it. In the wake of everything that happened, he was fairly certain he did not want an honest assessment just now.

But Rook said something else, and Veho was relieved to have something – anything – else to focus on. Once he could feel his legs again, he pulled them towards his frame, this time struggling to get them beneath his chest instead of simply holding them close. The leader struggled upwards in an awkward position, water leaking from his ear, but he could hear now, at least. Soggy ears cupped forward and he waited, a bit like a child who was promised an epic fantasy before he tucked up for sleep. “I want to hear it,” he whispered, almost reverent, as if a voice too loud would break whatever spell had fallen over the two men just then. “I want to hear it. Please.”

Rook didn't even answer when Veho questioned who he was. It would be a long road, he was sure, but he held in high confidence that, one day, Veho would break through the haze and see himself as Rook did. They'd take it one step at a time, one day at a time. The Lyall's tail gave a small wag as he heard that little trace of eagerness, the note emphasized when repeated and the addition of a 'Please.' Rook's smile stabilized for mere moments before returning to its wavering state. It was way too easy to verbally list what he could say:

Veho, you need to get up.
Veho, you need to get out of the water.
Veho, just listen, let me tell you who you are.
Veho, I love you.
Veho. Stop it.
Just. Stop. It.
Shush.
I love you.
I love you...

None of it he found was helpful at all.

His lips parted in a puff of inaudible breath as he exhaled. He touched his nose to that still-dry ear and placed a kiss at its base. Had the moment been a little more lighthearted, he might have added a bit of playful teeth action, but he held back. They were going to take things slow. He had to remember that. He lifted his head and muzzle up and away from the Veho's crown. "Keep breathing," he murmured. He sat down in the water at Veho's back, placing a wet forepaw lightly upon that gray shoulder. His tail remained at the water's surface behind him, the air trapped within and underneath its bottlebrush form keeping it afloat. "Just breathe. Just for now."

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

Rook gathered himself, and so did Veho – but where the beta was finding the appropriate words for such a delicate moment, the older wolf was simply rearranging himself at the lip of the water. Half-sitting, he shuffled until he finally removed himself from the small waves, giving his head a small shake as drops continued to fall from his ear. But for all that he moved, his focus never left his mate at all, waiting almost desperately for the secret Rook was about to reveal. The masked wolf might not have lost a child, but he did lose a parent not so long ago – and that was when their roles had shifted.

Idly, the back of his mind wondered if those roles should shift again. Surely, Rook was more stable than he – but if he wanted, he’d ask, wouldn’t he? And until then, Veho couldn’t bear to shoulder anyone else with such a heavy burden.

So he listened, ears forward, and was given such simple words in return. Though simple, they were not irrelevant, and he gave pause, humming softly under his breath. Just breathe. Nothing else. No thinking. No seeking out the Ancestors. It made a quiet mind, and at this moment, there was little he needed more than that very thing.

“I can do that,” he whispered, reaching forward to touch his nose to Rook’s. “I can do that.”

Fade.

Seems like a good place to archive/fade unless you'd like another post?  (We should totally go for another thread...  <3

Quivering bearish ears shook as Rook stared after Veho, watching as he partially sat up. The Second backed up a bit and sat down. He wanted to give him a little bit more space. A shiver scurried down his spine, the contact made with their noses igniting a spark that Rook had written off as near-extinguished. There was hope yet.

He gave a small, still quiet smile. "Shhh," he hushed, a wave of relief overcoming him within. His eyes closed as he sighed. For some time, he was sure he would cherish this moment. In truth, this wasn't exactly the man he swooned over but it was clear by now that he was still there - and, that was more than enough. They would recover from this. Rook would will it until there was nothing else he could do or there was simply nothing else left for them to give to and take from one another.

Right now, they had this: the perfect chance to begin again, to recover and to heal.

Rook lapped at the water droplets clinging to Veho's dripping whiskers, simpering all the while as he thought to himself. Things would get better from here on out.

(Fade.)

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.