Desperado

Lucifer's Gorge

I'm not your son.

Still the words stung her. She felt so ashamed of herself for the way she'd reacted to her son, and she grimaced when she remembered the way she'd given him a sound slap for disobeying her, because she couldn't control her own anger. She refused to lose him- not to another wolf, and not to his beliefs. She couldn't stand the thought of having him grow up and doubt that she was his mother. She couldn't tell him the truth, but she wanted him to accept her as his mother anyway. Even if he had been an orphan, he wouldn't have remembered his mother anyway. The way the story went, she'd found him almost immediately after he'd been born. His 'maternal mother' would have spent less than an hour with him. And still he'd rejected her, even though she'd raised him herself thus far.

Part of her still believed she'd done the right thing- she had to make sure he wouldn't get himself hurt or killed...But there had to be an easier way, there just had to be. Why couldn't he love her unconditionally, the way Nova and Aponi loved Naira? Why couldn't he just follow her rules because she was right, and he loved her? Why couldn't he just make things simple?

She moved along the mountain toward the fearsome gorge, scouting out any scent trails left behind mountain goats. She found very little but wasn't terribly surprised- they likely avoided this territory all the same. The drop was steep and the climb was craggy, but she moved along nimbly, even though she was so distracted. The cool evening breeze pushed at her, as though trying to punish her for the way she'd treated her son. And when she couldn't reason with herself any more, she sat down, hung her head and felt the tears stream down her cheeks.

(This post was last modified: Dec 12, 2013, 06:18 PM by Sagacity.)

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Black paws tested the rocks as he moved about the outskirts of the fearsome gorge. This area he had never explored before, and so it took him awhile to maneuver his large body well enough to traverse this side of the Pass. He almost looked like a baby goat working their new spindly legs on the mountain side. His black mass was easily seen against the contrast of the rocks lit up by light and so he didn't plan on catching anything to eat anytime soon. He was keeping to these parts in order to stay out of a direct line of fire while spreading his scent. The wolves along these parts seemed to keep to themselves, and commanded a certain type of respect when crossed. It wasn't particularly friendly, but Faol was fine with it. He only came here for one reason thus far, and it wasn't to make friends.

He had moved quite a ways from his starting point, the gorge now in sight. The climb didn't become any easier, and he began to pant, even with the cooling sensation of the evening wind. He was just about to stop and take a quick rest when the wind shifted for a moment carrying with it a well known scent. Immediately, yellow eyes searched for her, scanning the rocks and into the distance; even though it was unlikely he would see her gray color among the rocks. He had not a moments rest when he suddenly felt the pulse of blood through his limbs and it seemed as if his large black paws had turned small and swift.

Black nose touched the ground blowing dust about his face as he tried to pick up her trail and eventually he did. As quietly as he could he made his way along her trail, knowing he must not be too far behind - it still smelled fresh in the crisp air. It only took him a few moments before he laid eyes on the silver female, her fur softly being caressed by the breeze. A faint smile crossed his blackened snout for only a moment until he realized her head was hung.

He had arrived from behind her and stood silent for a mere moment until his paws moved forward in what seemed like an autonomic response. Faol approached from beside her. His dark, silver-flecked fur mingled with chrome as he ran his side along hers in affectionate greeting. He didn't stop for a moment to think what she might think about it - he was just happy to see her again.

(This post was last modified: Sep 21, 2013, 03:35 PM by Faol.)

While she knew it was not fit for the pack's second-in-command to sit and lallygag, she could not help but give herself the freedom of the moment. The wind helped to clear her thoughts, though she still felt muddled and confused. Had she done the right thing by perpetuating this lie? Was she doing damage to her own son by lying to him day in and day out? Or was she doing the right thing and protecting him from death by telling him and all the other wolves in the pack that he'd been an orphan? She was still not sure she wanted to know the truth; but for now, it seemed like no matter what she did, she'd feel wrong in one way or another.

She did not hear or smell Faol as he approached, not until he closed the small gap between them and took his place at her side. Her head lifted slightly in surprise but she did not turn her face to him, as she did not want for him to see the sombre expression or the tears that ran slowly down her cheeks. Instead, she accepted his presence and welcomed him there, moving sideways so that she could feel the warmth as it left his fur, and lean against his tough shoulder. Wordlessly, she sank against him, and leaned her head against his shoulder, nuzzling her muzzle into the thick fur of his neck to hide the eyes which were glazed over with tears. She didn't know what to say, or if she had the strength to say anything, so instead she simply welcomed him into her heart and leaned against his shoulder with the faith that he would not pull away.

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He was taken aback when nothing was said to him. A slight elevation of her head, but her silver face lay hidden from his eyes. Of course it was not the way he had imagined meeting Sage when he spotted her in the distance. He felt as she sank against his thick black fur, attempting to bury her face in his pelt. His brow furrowed in confusion, but he didn't want to say the wrong thing. He wanted to just stay here, to let her stay buried in his chest in silence - but after a moment he spoke. While standing immobile his chest resonated with the deepness of his voice. "Sage? Has something happened?" he piqued. His attempts at gentleness were not always the most graceful, but he wanted to understand what was going on. "I hope no one has done anything to hurt you," he added, his jaw clenching tight enough to grind his canines together.

The black male then fell silent, waiting for her response. There wasn't much more he had to say, nor wanted too. As dark as it seemed, he was relishing this moment here, her stresses aside, because only once had they been so close. Softly he craned his neck downward and nuzzled her in silent reassurance. His eyes did not search for hers. She had made an effort to hide herself from him and he didn't want to create further anger or embarrassment. He just felt her head against the heavy rising and falling of his breath and waited until she was ready to speak. After all, what are friends for?

(This post was last modified: Sep 24, 2013, 08:21 PM by Faol.)

She was grateful that Faol did not move away, nor did he try to pry her gaze up to meet his. She'd since controlled her tears and now only felt the pain of a lump in her heart, like a smouldering piece of coal which weighed heavily upon her soul, cruel and hot. She felt better having Faol there, quiet and patient, allowing for silence to exist as long as she needed it to. He allowed her that peace which gave her the strength to find words and breath which would not be interrupted by a trembling fear.

"No," She said, shaking her head gently. She'd felt the thrum of a growl threatening Faol's voice when he wondered aloud if anyone had hurt her. She knew he'd meant physically, though in truth, Mercy had hurt her, just not in the way that she thought Faol meant. And right now, she knew that she was the one who'd hurt herself, with this tangle of lies surrounding the true parenthood of her son. "It's Mercy." She said, her tone no longer so sad, but with a tinge of frustration to show that she was at her wit's end.

She was a first time mother and felt lost. She didn't want to admit it, because she felt it made her sound young and foolish, incapable of dealing with a child. But it would have been so much easier, she thought, had he actually been raised as her son- if she'd been able to tell everyone the truth. Mercy wouldn't have any reason to doubt himself then. "He's getting to the point where he's questioning me because I'm not his biological mother."

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Although it was a relief to Faol to hear that no one had hurt Sage, he obviously assumed that this was a matter of emotion. He could feel the hurt in her voice even as she denied his questions, but there was truth within them. She then admitted to who her assailant was, and it was her young son, Mercy. He was confused as to how a young boy could cause his mother to come to tears, but just like his pack mates Faol didn't know of the secrets Sagacity hid so well. Of course there was to be some frustration when one is a parent. Faol was unaware of these because he had fathered no children of his own - or at least none that he knew of. Quietly, he waited for her to explain herself, but her ending statement only caused more confusion.

His face furrowed in confusion, but it wasn't the time to start asking questions that might make the situation worse. However, he didn't know another way to understand the predicament and so he took a deep breath and tried to speak gently."Have you told Mercy how he was found? That if it weren't for you that he might not be alive?" he asked, trying to catch her gaze. he was far from gentle, but his words were direct and each had meaning. He hoped she knew that he offered her all the support she could desire in silence, but when it came to words he was known for not beating around the bush. He didn't have personal experience in the workings of biological family, as his was ripped from him at such a young age, but he understood that your mother was not always the being who gave you life.

The peppery male didn't know Sage's background, where she came from and what her family dynamic was, but he was sure that being a young and adoptive mother that the road wasn't going to be paved with gold. He once more craned his head down to pass her a sweep of reassurance as he awaited her answer.

Faol's suggestion was an intelligent one- to tell Mercy that he wouldn't have otherwise survived, but this was something that the boy already knew. The suggestion, heartfelt and with the intention of possibly alleviating the pain, brought a wan smile to Sagacity's face. She was touched that he'd thought of doing something like that- it was the same thought that came to her mind very often...If only he could see that she was doing everything she could for him, but the boy was young, foolish and stubborn. Children often went down that path- she had as well, but it had ended with her leaving her family behind, and as much as she knew she should've understanded the want to be independent, she couldn't bear to see Mercy leave just because he felt like he didn't belong.

"He knows," She said softly, eyes flickering up to his for a moment. The smile had faded from her features once again to a gentle frown. She shook her head gently. "He's just so stubborn. I think it makes him feel like we're pitying him, or that he wasn't supposed to happen, I think." She said. She paused for a moment, considering a thought which had always haunted her. She considered her words carefully before she spoke again.

"Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been more prudent to lie; tell him that I was his mother, and that his father had left, or passed away." She said. "At least he wouldn't feel out of place, and he wouldn't be loved any differently." She said. "I think it'd be too hard, though...Lying to him, for his entire life." And what a contradiction it was, for her to be saying that- considering that she was doing just that anyway.

(This post was last modified: Nov 07, 2013, 04:17 PM by Sagacity.)

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It seemed that Sage had thought of these things before, and shared them with Mercy, but his rebellious efforts were still there. All he was trying to do was offer help, but he was given a small attempted smile for his efforts, and this made him feel like he was on the right path. His words had not come across to harsh. It was hard for Faol to wrap his mind around all the emotions that Sage tried to explain to him that Mercy was feeling, but it wasn't something he knew. He could fathom that the boy felt lost, with the wonder of his biological parents, but why did it matter? They were gone. His family, the ones who have raised him and earned his love in all respect, were here in Nomad's Pass with him. Surely it just had to be the burning curiosity of a young man.

Faol turned his head from Sage, a slight chuckle in the tone of his voice. "I remember when I was his age. A little asshole that probably needed put in my place," he said, shaking his head with the sudden images of years past. "But, I grew out of it eventually. It will take time, and all you can do is try to guide him. You're his mother after all," he said reassuringly. A small smile pressed at the corners of his maw as he tried to lure her from her lost feelings.

Sage's last thoughts confused him, but they seemed like reasonable answers. His expression tightened together and a stern look seeped into his yellow eyes. "I don't think that lying would ever be the right answer. Eventually he would find out. Those kinds of things don't stay secrets forever - and what we he be to think then?" he said, his ears tilting backwords as he searched for her gaze.

What Faol said about himself as a youngster did marvels to brighten Sagacity's mood. She smiled a bit and looked up at him, her eyes no longer filled with sadness but rather with warmth. Here he was, putting up with her, when she was in one of her weakest states yet. She did not like to look weak or vulnerable, but while he was by her side she felt neither of those; she didn't feel ashamed anymore, by her reaction. He'd simply accepted it, and had embraced her all the same. And now here he was, like a guardian angel, seeking to comfort her and bring a smile to her face. She wasn't completely sure that he was being honest- but when she considered her own childhood, and the way she'd left well before she should have, she found his story all the more believable. Maybe he was right- Mercy would grow out of it. "I think you're right," She said. And I can only hope he grows into a man like you, She thought, and seriously considered vocalizing those very words, but kept them quiet instead, not knowing whether it was appropriate to say them or not.

When he spoke about lying and how it might be a detriment, Sagacity had a difficult time trying to figure out what she should do. Technically, she already was lying to him. Faol seemed to think that eventually Mercy would find out the truth and she looked up at him then, but then reminded herself of the fact that she alone knew the truth. Not even Rhysis knew that he'd fathered a son. Unless she told him, no one would ever know that Mercy was in fact her biological son. So when Faol told her it wouldn't be a good idea to lie, she had to reverse the scenario, and take his words to mean that in her situation, she shouldn't tell him the truth. Not for a while, anyway. She didn't necessarily agree with Faol when he said that secrets couldn't last forever...Not in this situation. Not when the truth could potentially get them both killed- and it might get Faol kicked out of the pack as well for helping to perpetuate her lie, even though he didn't know it existed. It was much safer for all concerned if she didn't tell Mercy the truth. Not until she was sure absolutely no one would be hurt- at least physically- from it.

Instead, of continuing with her lie, she instead spoke the truth to Faol, though he wouldn't have known all the undercurrents that swept below her words. "I wish it could be simple. I wish he was mine, without ever having known any different, so we could live as a normal family. It's all I want," She confessed. "I want a family. A functional family."

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It seemed that Faol's story had lightened the mood a bit and it caused a small smile to crease her face, and in turn parted his for a mere moment. Sage was in a predicament he couldn't quite understand, but he did his best to offer what small advice he could. Of course he didn't know all the underlying facts, the things being hidden, but whether he would have known about them would have done little to change the way he viewed the situation. However, the silver woman agreed with him and his words felt successful. Even though Faol knew little of the boy he still felt that he should offer his best paw forward, at least for Sage's sake, and try to help her work her way through the rough water. From what he could infer Mercy seemed like a handful and he doubted this was the last he would hear about the boy in times to come.

After a moments pause to collect their thoughts Sage spoke the confession of just wanting a family. A happy, functional family. This struck a chord in Faol's chest, hitting the metaphorical pits of his heart. Although he had been very lucky to have lived the life he did, he wasn't far from the same desires. Nomad's Pass had been the closest thing to "family" that he'd yet to experience and so he could understand her plight. He let a heavy breath escape his chest and allowed it to fully expel before turning his face from her. A fake chuckle in his tone as he spoke,"Don't we all?" he nearly whispered. He had never outwardly vocalized his need for such a thing, but the thought was always there.

"I don't think that all family is born. Family is earned. Sometimes the one's we choose become the ones most important to us," he said, his eyes intentionally lingering on her for a moment longer than usual. His eyes shifted inadvertently from her silver figure and he fell quiet. This wasn't what she had asked him for and so he corrected himself with silence.