Windsong Fjord Tell me how I got this far

As he had elected to do times before, Gent did nothing to disturb her grief. Merely being present was the best that he could do, knowing that silver words did not exist when it came to this breed of pain. Her truepenny husband as he had sworn to be, the shade king gently set his skull atop hers and held her through the tears and the shudders. When they subsided and she stirred, he pulled back as she did to meet her molten gaze. He witnessed that shadow of a smile, but it wasn't enough this time. Feeling heavily as though something still were out of place, he did not lift a paw to 
remove himself despite the veracity of her statement within the diligent man's ears.

"Raela," he began, a deepness to his tone that would hopefully draw her in. "You know that they were wrong, don't you?"

His pale gaze would not leave her goldenrod pools, determined to see the truth within them. After all of this time, after all that they had been through and all that she had accomplished, did she still think there was any truth to what they had said and how they treated her? It wasn't just a weight that held her back from reaching her true potential. It was harming her, even to this day, and Gent wanted that to end, for her sake.

The black King remained still at her suggestion, and a look into his eyes told her that there was something still on his mind. She could almost feel the words sitting on the man's tongue before he finally spoke. It rooted her in place beside him. Raela's ears tipped forward at the mention of her name, and then back with that ever so perfectly placed question. 

"You know that they were wrong, don't you?"

Her sunshine eyes fell slowly to the stone beneath them as if dragged down by its weight. Did she? For a moment the Alphess stared hollowly at the ground, her tail curling protectively against her feet. The answer was obvious in her posture. She was Queen of White Fir Notch, and yet inside the matriarch was little more than a frightened, beaten child, and she knew it. "I know what they did was wrong," she offered, her tone rising like it was a question. That was only half the equation. A soft mountain breeze brushed past them both and Raela lifted her gaze. Were they not so close together the wind might have stolen her words before Gent ever heard them. 

"...I wish... I want to think they were wrong about me but..." She pursed her lips and cast her stare down again; furrowing her brows against the emotion. "I don't know," Raela mumbled, glancing to the side. There was the slightest hint of exasperation and irritation in the Queen's voice, perhaps for the injustice, perhaps aimed at herself. Wasn't she just being weak right now? And how could she agree with that definition of weakness and apply it to herself, when she so strongly believed it to otherwise be wrong? The old voices in her head had never really left. Maybe they never would. 

            

even if you're fallen, or strugglin'

The question obviously hit her hard, digging deep into the albatross that had been created by her spiteful kin. Still he held out hope that she would see some sunlight even at those depths, a diamond of truth that they all their hate and venom could not bury. When she brought her eyes up to face him again, that answer lingering in the air, the frown cut deeper into his muzzle as he began to see fully the grip the past still had on his wife. Despite the piling evidence, despite his faith and her experiences and desires she still held the conviction that she was nothing more than what they had allowed her to be.

Until now, Asurn had been a name to be wary of, to keep at a distance for the possibility of harm it fabricated for his family. Seeing her now, gaze lowered in self defeat, made smaller than she truly was, it was hate that settled within his heart. More than distrust, more than disgust, there would be penance to pay should any of the trespassers cross his path.

"When have they been right?" he asked her, brows knitting with his concern. She'd been given time and reason enough to see through this, he could no longer let it rest with the assumption that she would sort through it on her own. She had stood by him through doubt and demons, kept him alive when his self worth had bottomed out. Now it was his turn to take the time to work through the tangled threads within her beautiful mind.

"I've seen you down, I've seen you vulnerable. I have never seen you weak, Raela."

there's still beauty in what we do

The words he spoke could have come straight out of her own tumultuous mind. She squinted at his feet, at the ground, pressing her eyebrows together more and more as each nagging contradiction nipped at the others. If one had to describe her face, the words 'confused' or 'conflicted' would've been apt. 'Torn' was even better, though it didn't feel  like a decision the woman was trying to make so much as a fight she was being caught in the middle of. An everlasting, eternal fight like that of the sun and clouds for control of the sky, or rivals over a carcass. What was the prize in this match though?

Her mind? If that was it, the Asurns were winning just by being a combatant. She could have no real freedom like this; perhaps this was why they succeeded. “Never seen her weak”...? The matriarch dragged her gaze toward him for a fleeting second. How could vulnerability be anything but weakness? … What am I saying? Raela sighed deeply, letting her head sink again. She had to say something; she couldn't just sit here, but everything on her tongue was wrong. What was she supposed to do when all the unborn sentences attacked each other? 

A defeated hum came out of her lungs instead. Nothing but her deepest thoughts would do. "My heart wants to say you're right, my head says you're wrong and I'm stupid," a wry smile slipped almost involuntarily onto the side of her muzzle. She knew how silly this was, when said aloud. It faded though with the knowledge that that meant her head was owned by them. It wasn't a revolutionary concept per se, but thinking about it like this always hit hard. She was a mess, like always. How calm it must be between those icy pools. Rae bet Gent didn't secretly despise himself. Her voice and expression seemed to bottom out suddenly, and fall flat on the stone. "It's funny how I can only truly say this isn't weakness when it isn't me."       

            

Her answer brought him to the realization that maybe there was nothing he could say that she hadn't already told herself. Yet outside reassurance was still important, to strengthen the part of her that argued in favor of her self worth. He had learned that lesson himself several times over. What could be done, then, for her to move past the doubt and reach that possibility of savoir-faire he knew she had stored? It ultimately fell to her, and that made Gent feel weaker than he liked in the face of her demons.

"I would've agreed with those darker thoughts of yours," he admitted, eyes moving forward to take in the blue sky, "just a short few years ago. Life, and wolves like you, taught me better."

Gent wished dearly that he could show just how great the impact she'd had on him was. There was so much about him now that he hadn't been before, that he wouldn't have thought possible and that wolves such as his father would've stomped down and burned away. Yet she had found that sliver of light within him and pulled it out, stretching it and giving it power. There weren't words to describe what that meant, how incredible she was for it.

"I wish... I had better words for this, for you. I know you don't expect it, but."

But he wanted it all the same, knew that she deserved that peace. Patience would be the key, however. This one conversation, a single sunrise would not cure the disease of self-doubt the Asurns had infected her with. Gent would simply have to hold faith in her and their progress together, and be the steadfast landing that she could always come to when needed.

"Whenever you can't shake the thoughts, keep coming to me. I'll let you look through my eyes, so you can see how beautifully indomitable you really are."

(This post was last modified: Nov 23, 2016, 09:42 PM by Gent.)

Though her face was solemn and void-looking, her ears were acutely turned his way; wondering just what the great black behemoth would reply with. When Gent's low voice rumbled, her golden gaze shifted imperceptibly his way. She really had made an imprint on the man, and his open admission brought a soft smile back onto the woman's downtrodden face. She just had to look at him then, to pull back from the edge to soak in his words, his gratitude and his sheer effort. The man was trying, and it was suddenly so obvious how much effort he was really expending. 

Raela's eyes moved across his brows, his cheeks, as if looking for something but perfectly content not to find it. The Notch matriarch wanted to respond, but Gent was faster. The words slipped from the King's mouth like pure sunlight. It was beautiful, and even more breathtaking to come from him. The warmth in Raela's chest welled up to her eyes in a different kind of emotion. It was too pure to be a lie; and who was she to think that he didn't love what he saw in her. Whether it was really there or not suddenly mattered so little. 

In her mind she mouthed a choked 'thank you,' but in reality the Queen simply reached out to kiss his muzzle; strong and sincere. Her face slid down against his black-furred neck once again, but this time she grinned. A harsh sniff punctuated their parting, as well as Raela's final attempt to collect herself so that she could resemble something of a leader by the time they made it down the mountain. She stood, regarding him with a sweet smile. Gent really was all she would ever need; he was more than enough. It was so much more than enough for someone to try this hard, just for her.   

Raela tipped her head in the direction of their path, and waited for her mate to rise. She wasn't going anywhere without her best friend by her side.  

            

That made a change. He felt it as well as saw it, and it affected him profoundly. They connected once more, and he took his time tracing his muzzle over her crown and down her neck, atop each ridge of her shoulder blades. When their eyes met again, he pressed a sincere smile onto his lips, happy to see that she could do the same. It made it all worth it, letting go of the ice and allowing vulnerability into his life, to see her look at him like that.

She moved and so did he, tied as faithfully to her as her own shadow.