Hearthwood River Permanence of Change

 @Lilya Backdating this to 3/31 before Lorcan arrives in Hearthwood.

Between the time she'd come home from her time with Lorcan and talking with Lachesis she knew it was a possibility that she could have pups. Perhaps she didn't want to accept it or didn't want to believe what Alek and her mother had said.  Inna didn't really think about it too much but when she had found out she'd only had one thing on her mind and that was whether or not to tell Lorcan.  Now that she had done that and he had helped to make her feel better and not so alone in her situation.  Being back in Hearthwood though with time to think about what she was about to go through. Without Lorcan by her side helping her and comforting her she was starting to feel the fear creep in.

Inna wanted nothing more than to be a good mother to her children and make sure they had all they needed.  It was the fear that she might not be able to provide them all they needed, that she couldn't be there for them like the would need her to be.  Most of all she was afraid of having them especially after what had happened to Naira the year before.  She hadn't been in Hearthwood then but she had heard about it. What if the same thing happened to her and like Lachesis Lorcan was helpless to save her.

Surely her mother could have eased all of her fears but she felt that Kisla was still angry with her.  It left her feeling like it might be best to give her mother some time, she hoped Kisla wouldn't stay angry with her forever.  Inna didn't know if it would help but she remembered Lachesis’ words concerning Lilya. Though her opinion of the woman as a leader wasn't very great she thought maybe this would be different.  Since they were both going through this for the first time maybe they could help each other somehow.  So once she'd finished her duties she went in search of the beta and soon found her. “Lilya,” she called to get her attention.

(This post was last modified: Apr 03, 2017, 02:04 AM by Inna.)

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Lilya had finally settled down to enjoy a rabbit she’d caught while patrolling the borders. She was still intent on doing as much as she could until Lachesis no longer permitted it for not just her health, but the health of their children. She had to keep reminding herself to eat. She’d been feeling so nauseated that her appetite wasn’t completely there. Lilya. She heard her name, a call for her attention as the sparrow raised her head, peering around until she caught sight of the Baranski child… a child who was about to become a mother in her own right. She’d heard about it, and smelled the change in scent as well but she hadn’t talked to the girl herself. She wasn’t sure her company would be welcomed.

She herself felt nervous about this whole ordeal – three litters in the Hearthwood lands would be hard to maintain, but she had to have hope that it’d all work out in the end. Then there was the fact that she was still recovering, for the most part, from the damage done by that damned Monadnock traitor, the one with the haunting yellow eyes that’d recently started popping up in her nightmares… they were lessened with Lachesis around, but they weren’t gone completely. There were some things that would never escape her mind. Still, she did not blame Inna. Hadn’t Lilya herself also caved to the changes of the season? She’d be a hypocrite to be angry with her.

A small lopsided smile approached her features as she greeted her in return, her tail waving softly on the ground behind her. “’ello, Inna!” Her earthy accent greeted as she nudged the rabbit. “Ah was just ‘bout ta sit down and ‘ave a snack… it ain’t much but ya can ‘ave a bite if ya want.” She offered with a soft nudge. They both were now eating for more than one, after all.

With the understandable anger that she'd been met with upon her return Inna had been hesitant to approach any of the wolves in Hearthwood.  Lachesis had been the kindest but the ebony Baranski still sensed a disappointment in her.  That cut her deep because she and the healer had grown so close since her time away from Hearthwood to find herself.  He had become like a mentor to her and now she felt as though she'd put a small rift between them after breaking pack law.  It was another relationship she would have to find some way to repair.

So it was with hesitation she had sought out Lilya afraid she would come face to face with anger and disappointment. Inna wasn't sure how much more of it she could bare even if she did deserve it.  So when she finally found the beta having a snack Inna immediately lowered her posture as she approached. Though Inna had her concerns about the woman leading the pack Inna hadn't really had the chance to interact with her otherwise.  She hoped that Lilya wouldn't be so angry with her she'd send her away.

Her tail swayed a little at the greeting which was pleasantly kind.  This gave Inna some hope that she might have found someone that wasn't so upset with her.  When she reached her Inna offered her a polite yet respectful smile as she took up a place close to where the beta and her rabbit lay.  “Hello, I'm sorry to interrupt but I thought…,” Inna trailed off not sure if she should even voice what she thought.  She hoped Lilya would be able to figure out.  She also couldn't ignore what the rabbit was doing to her but when Lilya ffered the Baranski shook her head, “I appreciate the offer but I couldn't,”she had yet to provide for her pack the way she should.

(This post was last modified: Apr 05, 2017, 04:01 PM by Inna.)

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What good would it do to be upset with Inna? Lilya had a feeling that she was already paying for her mistakes with everyone else, even if she never saw it directly. Hell, the only thing Lilya saw that protected herself was the fact that Lachesis was leader, so in a way, she sympathized. The way the girl trailed her thoughts off caused a frown on her features, trying to figure out what had caused such hesitance. “It’s alright… m’always open ta company.” She tried her best to assure her that it was honestly okay. “Inna, what’s pullin’ at yer crown?” She offered the young girl the opportunity to talk.

It was ironic, almost, because usually she was in Inna’s shoes. Unsure if she should say anything or even what she could say that would be acceptable and it just felt weird. “Yes, ya can n’I insist… we’re pack Inna… n’yer not jus’ eatin’ fer one anymore.” She was insisting now as she nudged a rabbit towards her. Was that what was bothering her? Had she lost her appetite? Perhaps she could go see Lachesis about it? Lilya still wasn’t completely convinced that the issue lied in the rabbit itself as much as it did actually taking the food itself.

There is a moose carcass that has been scavenged by coyotes nearby. +15 Health

When she'd decided to take Lachesis advice she truly wasn't sure how the beta would react to her. Lachesis had been kind but the disappointment had been there and it tore at her but would Lilya be the same? Kind but a disappointment or anger under the surface that could be detected but never voiced or would she be like Kisla and readily voice her feelings? Inna couldn't be sure so she approached with caution not wanting to make things much worse. The greeting she'd received however set her back a little, that perhaps she truly didn't have to be alone in the pack. There had been plenty of times she wished Lorcan could be there, he set her at ease but she couldn't ask that of him. “Thank you,” she said quietly at Lilya’s reassurance. The second then offered her an opening to start the conversation, she brought her orange gaze up to meet Lilya's, “I was wondering how you were doing? Lachesis said this was you first litter and I was thinking we could talk…,” she trailed off once more after speaking so quickly and let her gaze drop to her paws, “Are you afraid?” She asked almost whispering.

Lilya had nudged the rabbit toward her insisting that Inna have some, Inna shook her head once more. She was hungry and she knew she needed to eat but she had out her pack in a bad place. More mouths to feed, more pups to worry about and she needed to be the one to make up what she and and her pups would take from the pack. “I'm sorry Lilya, I know you're insisting but I really can't I haven't...And I just...I just can't right now.” Inna nudged the rabbit back toward the beta, “You should have all of it. I really am sorry.” Later Inna would hunt and it would hopefully go better then her hunt that morning. When it did she could eat because she had replaced what she would take. Then it would be fair and she wouldn't be taking from the pack and the pups of the Alpha’s.

(This post was last modified: Apr 05, 2017, 04:27 PM by Inna.)

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It was a loaded question that Inna pursued. “Ah’m terrified.” She responded quietly as her paw scraped at the ground. “Ah didn’t ‘ave a mother like yers… I never ‘ad a nurturin’ environment an’ Ah’m afraid of failin’ these pups.” She’d never disclosed to the other River wolf details of her past, and she didn’t necessarily intend to now… they were rough wounds, but she also wasn’t about to lie about her thoughts to the other mother either. “Yer lucky ta have ‘ad Kisla and Lachesis and e’eryone… Ah’d ‘ave given a heart n’ a half ta have half of what we ‘ave here.” She’d have given her entire life to be raised somewhat normal… a frown finding her features when the stubborn almost-adult insisted that she couldn’t take the rabbit.

If there was one thing to credit the second with, it was her stubbornness that other wolves take care of themselves. She knew what it was like to be in dangerous situations, to lack food because others were too busy fighting a fight and she wasn’t going to take any of this guilt-inspired martyrdom from the Baranski child. “At first it was just a bite… but now Ah insist ya eat the whole damned thing.” She replied with a frown. “Ah’m not ‘bout ta let ya starve yerself or yer cubs because yer feelin’ guilty or afraid… it ain’t responsible of me or you. We can replace it later… just eat up.” She didn’t want to order the girl to eat it but she was getting to that point that she seriously considered calling for @Lachesis if she refused one more time.

When Hearthwood's second admitted that she too was terrified Inna felt a little more at ease, “I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.” Lilya's admittance was almost like her gaining permission to be terrified. So far she'd tried to remain strong and firm but she knew she couldn't stay that way forever. Lilya spoke about not having a mother like hers which she chose to ignore, she was lucky her mother hadn't chased her out of Hearthwood. “I am too, I'm afraid I am going to do something wrong and let them down or something will happen and I won't know what to do.” It was a little hard to admit that to the woman since she didn't know her especially well but she supposed in this instance she had to share something. “Hearthwood is a good place to grow up and I want my children to grow up her running through the same forest I did and playing in the same river I spent my childhood playing in.” That was one thing Inna had never wavered on, she wanted her children to have the childhood she'd had because it was a good one. It was probably the comment that Lilya made next that raked her nerves the most, she debated letting the woman know exactly where everyone stood in the matter but she decided it really wasn't worth it in the end. It was her cross to bear and she would do that alone, “Yeah, lucky,” she said quietly despite the only luck she felt was the fact she still had a place to call home and raise her children.

Lilya wasn't happy that Inna had refused the rabbit twice so it had become Lilya insisting her to eat the whole rabbit. She the woman continued to speak Inna grew more irritated with the woman and her not understanding but she'd promised Lachesis she would do this. She would talk to Lilya since they we were first time mothers. So she gave in and settled down to eat the rabbit, she would have to replace it herself later. “ It's not about guilt or being afraid,” she finally said after chewing her first bite, “It's about making sure the pack is taken care of and that your litter and my mother's litter survive. I broke pack law and made things harder for the pack so I need to do my part to help make sure all of our litters survive. The pack always must come first.”

(This post was last modified: Apr 18, 2017, 12:59 AM by Inna.)

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Lilya let a soft smile, relief flooding it and her eyes, when Inna admitted her own fear. She was terrified of not being a good mother, of not knowing what to do… just like Lilya herself. “M’fraid Ah’m gonna do somethin’ wrong… that they’re gonna hate me.” That soft smile faded into a frown at the other woman’s remarks about ‘lucky’… it would be worse. Kisla could have driven her out, and she could be raising these pups as a loner. She could be raising them in a war… the woman might not realize it, but Lilya was envious of the life that Inna had grown up with. She’d wished she’d had that herself.

The other woman’s explanation did not convince her, but Lilya felt relief that she took the rabbit… it still sounded like guilt to Lilya… she knew what it sounded like because she felt it so often, and how crippling it could be, the thoughts it could give a wolf about themselves. “Ya know, we both did.” She reminded her with a soft tone. Lilya wasn’t a leader, she shouldn’t have bred… regardless of whether or not Lachesis was the father, it wasn’t her right to do so. “What matters is makin’ sure that all the pups r’cared for… not just Kisla’s n’not just ours… n’that’ll only ‘appen if ya take care of yerself… yer eatin’ for multiple now, n’we’ve all been ‘unting as much as we can, one rabbit’ll be fine…” She was certain if anything changed, and they couldn’t spare a rabbit, that action would be taken.

Inna was glad to know that she wasn't the only one that had fears when it came to being a first time mother. Mostly Inna was afraid that something would go wrong during the birth but Lilya brought up something else that though she’d thought about hadn't really concerned her. “I'm sure you'll be great and you have Lachesis, he’s really great. He's been in my life since I was born and he’s always been there if I needed him.” The healer had become more a part of her life lately, a support she hadn't known she'd needed. “I worry some too about not being a good mom but then I think about how much I love them already and I don't think I could be a bad mother to them. As long as I show them everyday how much they mean to me how could they not feel loved?” Inna thought about Kyrios and how much he seemed to hate Lachesis, how angry he was at his father. She knew that had not been her alphas fault, that was the work of Kjors, she was sure that Lachesis had shown his pups everyday that he loved them. How could he not when he showed pups that weren't even his how much he cared. She would do the same and give them what they needed to make it in the world.

She wanted to explain to Lilya and maybe help her to understand why it had been so important that she not take the rabbit before she had replaced it. It seemed however that the second felt she had committed the same crime as the Ebony Baranski. Inna shook her head, “I don't think that you did. Lachesis has the right and being that he and my… well you get the picture. He chose you Lilya which gave you the right.” Inna had gone outside the pack and bred with Lorcan who was from another pack, she owned that and did what she could to pay her penance for her crime. Inna nodded at Lilya’s words, “I just don't want my actions to affect the pack more than they already have. I don't think I could carry the guilt if any of the pups died because I made a bad decision.”

(This post was last modified: Apr 23, 2017, 03:04 AM by Inna.)

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