Hearthwood River What is and what should never be

@Lilya

It had been stupid of her to even consider leaving her daughter or Lorcan, he'd been so good despite her current state. He brought her food and stuck his head in to check up on her but he also gave her her space to figure things out. Poor Oksana had been suffering and Inna felt badly for bit she didn't know how to explain it to her daughter. She also didn't want to upset or worry Oksana about things that Inna wasn't certain about. The Raven had been reminded more and more of how it had been with her mother after her father's death. She still have very little desire to do anything including leaving the den. She hadn't figured anything out and she hadn't heard from Lachesis about the meeting with Jessie.

Everyday she felt worse and worse and she didn't know how to make things better. She knew this wasn't like her, that she was supposed to be stronger than this but she just couldn't do it anymore. Pretend that she could get past her mother's death, be a good mom to Oksana, and the model pack mate. What Inna did know was she couldn't stay in her den forever no matter how tempting that might be. So she drug herself out of the den for for the second time that day but this time it wasn't to get a drink and return. This time she was going to try and stay out and go for a walk, maybe it would do her some good. The Raven weaved her way through the trees slowly taking her time.

~Table by Jacqueline

Please see Kajika's OOC profile for OOC preferences, thank you.

 

Lilya had been keeping herself busy, checking the borders and marking them carefully, hunting, all while trying to keep an eye on all five children… she felt like the busywork distracted her from her thoughts, her insecurities, and her doubts. It was in the process of figuring this entire situation out that she found herself noticing Inna’s behavior. Of course, it only caused her worry. The woman hadn’t been acting like herself, and she hadn’t been since her mother’s death, even more so since the events that took place at the Rye wolves’ borders. Perhaps that was what had subconsciously drawn her to the girl’s scent.

In all honesty, she hadn’t registered that she was following her until she was just barely out of eyesight from her, and though it had been a coincidence at first, she grew more certain that she should talk to her with every step. “Inna?” She called out as she made her presence known, her icy blue eyes hinting with sympathy. She knew what she was going through – she’d gone through enough loss and pain herself to last her a lifetime. She’d been Lekalta, and she’d been Inna too. She’d been Risaela. She’d seen her loved ones torn apart in front of her, she’d mourned them to the point where she barely recognized herself and she’d run away from the overwhelming grief.

She just had to figure out how exactly to approach the topic. Telling her that she knew the pain she was going through and that things would get better would not, in fact, make this situation better and Lilya feared it might make the Baranski shut down even more.

“S’alright if we talk?” She wasn’t going to force her to talk to her if she didn't want to, and she trusted the girl knew that.

The forest was cool and the ground beneath her paws damp as she traveled through the forest. The bird song had filtered into her den and was muffled when she had been unwilling to leave it. Now it seemed so much louder and Inna was thankful for the cover of the trees as it blocked the bright light of the sun. That was only a reminder that the world was going on without her mother in it and part of her felt like it should be mourning Kisla too just as she was. It was a childish thing to think she knew that but she missed her mother, Kisla would be able to help her and she wanted to go to her mother.

Without realizing it her paws had carried her in the direction of her mother's den, a subconscious hope that Kisla would be inside she supposed. She tore her gaze from the opening of the den when she heard her name called. She recognized the voice to belong to Lilya. The Raven couldn’t help but worry about what this might mean. Was she bringing word of what had happened with Jessie when Lachesis had gone to talk to her. Maybe Lilya had noticed she hadn't been attending to her duties and was coming to speak to her about that.

When the alpha appeared Inna lowered her posture and averted her gaze, ears flattening against her head and tail curling under her. “Yes, of course,” she said quietly when Lilya asked if they could talk. “Is there something you need me to do? Watch the children perhaps?” She may not feel up to doing much but she couldn't deny the order of one of her Alpha's. She felt that it had been made clear things in Hearthwood were different since her mother's passing and she needed to abide by it. She wasn't sure if Hearthwood was still her home but she didn't want to lose it because of her behavior. After what happened at wild rye she felt she needed to be careful for Oksana's sake.

~Table by Jacqueline

Please see Kajika's OOC profile for OOC preferences, thank you.

 

She let a soft frown settle across her features when the girl asked if there was something that she could do for the queen. Lilya shook her head. “S’not what ya can do fer me, Inna.” She tried to explain softly before she continued. “Ah wanted ta check up on you and see how you were doin’. Ah know yer mother’s death hit ya hard, n’everything since then ‘as been a little hectic.” She was different, and Lilya would be a fool to not notice it. Lilya might be the one thrust into new responsibilities with the matriarch’s death, but Inna was the one who lost her mother, and only remaining parent.

Lilya knew a thing or two about what that was like, and under similar circumstances… her entire family gone for the sake of another pack wanting to fluff their fur and act superior… just as the feline had decided to do with Kisla. “S’there anythin’ Ah can do ta help..?” She wasn’t going to ask if the woman was okay, because evidently she wasn’t. To be frank, she missed the old Inna, the one who was never afraid to speak her mind, even if Lilya wasn’t too fond of the consequences that might bring down on them. “Ah can watch Oksana r’something if ya need some time ta sort things out, or a wolf who’ll just listen… Ah’m just worried ‘bout ya Inna.” There was the truth.

The Raven fully expected for something to be said about not doing her duties or to be asked to do something. After all it was an alpha's job to make sure the pack was still getting taken care of. She was completely thrown with what Lilya said and the fact she was checking up on her. She licked her lips nervously, “Um, it’s been...hard...not having her here, I miss her but I'm okay.” She supposed that was the right answer, she was a little better? More so than she had been a few days ago and she wasn't curled in her den. “I have good days and bad ones I guess,” she added. She wasn't really sure about it, she let her gaze drop to her paws. Even though she had her opinions about the woman before her she didn't want to lie to her either but In a didn't have the answers, she didn't know if she would ever be okay again, too much had happened.

Without thinking her gaze went to the woman as she asked if there was anything she could do. Inna shook her head, “I couldn't ask you have so much now...I mean I appreciate it but the pack needs you.” Inna didn't even know how Lilya could help her when she was so stuck that she didn't know how to make it better. “I don't know what to do,” she quietly admitted before letting her gaze avert once more. “Oksana? She hasn't been misbehaving has she? She knows better, I'm sorry if she's not been doing what she's supposed to. You don't have to worry about me you have so much other stuff I'm sure I will be okay.” The last thing she wanted to do was be a burden on her pack mates and especially her Alpha's. She'd already done that though she supposed with Lachesis having to visit Jessie and not doing her duties. Her brow furrowed, “I just...I'm trying to do better and I'm sorry that I haven't been working as hard,” she licked her lips nervously again, I know winter is coming and I need to do my part and…” she started to ramble before she finally trailed off after realizing what she was doing.

~Table by Jacqueline

Please see Kajika's OOC profile for OOC preferences, thank you.

 

Lilya understood, to an extent. Everyone grieved in different forms. “Yer part of the pack… means ya need me to.” It wasn’t something she could just sit aside and watch happen… she was hurting, in pain, and it ached, pulling at the sparrow’s heart in ways similar to finding out about her own family’s massacre. She heard her soft whisper before she changed the topic to Oksana. “Oksana’s been a sweetheart, Inna.” Lilya insisted stubbornly with a soft smile. “Ah invited ‘er ta join my girls n’I fer some ‘unting.” She figured it would be a good experience for her to bond with her agemates, her daughters too…

“Inna… ah know what it’s like ta lose someone close ta me in such a tragic way… ya need to grieve – we all do n’it always appears in different ways ta different wolves.” She explained softly – was Lilya upset with how the situation with the Rye wolves had been handled, as told to her by Lachesis? Yes. Did she blame the girl for acting out? Not at all. Not with everything that’s happened and it was a lapse of judgement on hers and Lachesis’s part to send someone else rather than going to tell Jessie themselves. “Jus’ promise ta try… it takes time, n’it’s not something that’s gonna go away.” She hoped she didn’t sound like a broken record at this point – she just didn’t want to see anything bad befall the Baranski woman because of her mother’s death.

It had become clear she couldn't be there for the pack like she had wanted to be. She'd tried so hard right after but this time she couldn't handle her mother's loss and everything else that had followed. It was up to Lilya and Lachesis now, it was the only way. She nodded at the woman's words, “Thank you, If I need to talk I will come find you.” There was a lot that Inna need to figure out on her own. She'd lost her mother and didn't even know if her sister was still alive. In a felt like so much had changed and she didn't know how to deal with it. Her ears came forward as Lilya spoke of Oksana and a flash of guilt crossed her face. She had not been there for her daughter like she should have been and it upset her, “I'm glad to hear it. I hope she has been behaving herself.” The pup was a good girl and knew to follow the rules but Inna also knew there would come a time where she would test the waters. “I think she will like that and it will be good for her. I tried to teach her a little before but then…” Inna didn't finish she was sure Lilya knew.

As Lilya spoke of her experience and how grieving was different for everyone Inna had the feeling it was her way of showing the Raven she understood. “I thought I could be strong and get through, that I was going to be okay,” she looked at her paws, “But I'm not. Losing my mom and Lekalta it's just too much.” Inna sighed. So much had happened and she had stayed strong for herself, the pack, and Oksana. She let everyone believe that it didn't bother her the way things had ended with Alek and that Orren and Karina were gone. She let everyone believe she was over her father's death but it wasn't true. Everyday she thought about her family and how they were gone and how was she to continue without them? “I promise to try,” she said meeting Lilya's eyes, “I know it will take time and maybe I should have taken it before before trying to be strong for the pack. I want to promise but I'm afraid I will let everyone down.” She'd already let her daughter down and Lachesis maybe even Lorcan Inna didn't know anymore. “I've been thinking about my father a lot lately,” she said but didn't elaborate. She felt he would be disappointed with her for hiding herself away and not facing what troubled her.

~Table by Jacqueline

Please see Kajika's OOC profile for OOC preferences, thank you.

 

Lilya honestly hoped that Inna was serious when she said that she’d find her if she ever needed to talk. But only time could really tell that. For now, Lilya saw that there was nothing more she could say or do until Inna decided to take her offer up and speak to her. Lilya was no therapist, but she knew she could help if given the chance, right? Lilya understood what Inna meant when she trailed off, a sympathetic glance. She knew the feeling, not being able to concentrate on one thing, feeling like she’d let other down constantly.

She offered a sympathetic smile to the girl, and she nodded. “N’that’s alright… s’a lot for any wolf ta go through… n’if ya add the fact that yer a new mom on top of it… honestly, m’impressed ya’ve held it tagether this well.” It was true – she could admire that in Inna. Everyone had their faults, but they all also had their strengths. “Take yer time now… th’River is strong. We’ll survive – what matters is yer health.” Recovering from a loss that grave took its toll on a wolf’s mental state – Lilya knew that better htan anyone.

Inna knew she'd made her mistakes and she'd lost a lot in the past year. So often she felt like a shell of herself and wondered if she would ever be herself again. While she wanted to for her mother and Oksana she knew she would never be. She would never be the same old Inna who cared about the wellbeing of everyone and worked hard for her pack because she loved Hearthwood. She was sad now, it kept her from a lot as she just kept falling. Would she ever be able to talk to Lilya? The Raven didn't know. She felt that this was something she had to work out in her own mind.

Then the alpha said something that caused Inna's head to cante to the side. “Thank you,” she said shyly to The compliment, “I’m not sure how I gave either and lately I don't think I've been doing that well. If it weren't for Oksana I'm not really sure where I would get at this point.” Probably in a worse place than she already was but at least she had her daughter to keep her tethered. Inna nodded, “I will and I will try to find a way to get through this. I know I need to be there for the pack and my daughter. I need to get better.” The question was how? Inna wasn't exactly sure how she could get through everything she'd been through in the past year of her life.

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Lilya nodded, listening carefully to the young woman’s words. She was trying to find some way to break through to her still, but it might require a little more thought. Inna promised to try and get better and to that Lilya gave a swift nod. “I’d love to stay and talk more, but I promised my girls I’d take them out today… I’m sure they’re already looking for me.” She offered apologetically with a soft frown. “Don’t hesitate to find me if you need anything or someone to talk to.” She encouraged softly as she turned to make her exit, a woof goodbye as she pushed her way back through the trees of the Kingsfall towards the den she and her family shared.

Lilya Exit